I have lived my whole social life with the feeling that I have always missed something, a meaning, a joke, the whole point. I am never quite sure where to look when I speak to somebody, how long I should look at them for, should I look away now?, is that eye contact from them because I have said something stupid. It's exhausting. I am married with two children, am a practising part time school nurse, and generally manage all of these things, but it takes an enormous amount of thought, mental coaching, practise and watching how other people deal with situations and modelling on those whom I admire. I have been doing this consciously since my late teens, when I emerged from school painfully inept in adult social situations where others seemed so mature and capable. At parties, I would sit by the bookcase and read books, or offer to do all the dishes in the kitchen. I now have a handful of good friends that I spend time with once or twice a week, but it took me ages to make friends when we moved to a new town, and I still find it a struggle to know what to say and how to initiate friendships without getting bamboozled and feeling down on myself. I have learned to become a good listener, because I have learned that if I talk alot I lose track of how to keep the conversation a conversation and not a monologue. I'm really down on myself at the moment, and although I am not hoping that I have Aspergers, I really would prefer that than to think I am just a useless social bungle. I feel that I have to prepare for social contact, rehearse greetings, think about the way I come across, concentrate on body language and eye contact. After a couple of hours of this I am exhausted and sometimes I end up being short tempered with my kids because I'm spent emotionally. Ironically, I love people, and find them fascinating, but I am beginning to realise that I think of them as interesting subjects, and have to remind myself of their humanity. I have read a bit about Aspergers on the internet, and so much has made me think "wow, maybe I'm not so weird". I have never talked to anyone about this. I feel extremely alone and lately have felt quite depressed frustrated with myself. If I have Aspergers, how do I find out, and what do I do from here? If anyone has time to answer I would really appreciate a few words!
It sounds very much like you might have AS.
However I've met people who have pretty much all the traits you have, and still aren't AS.
Can you afford a couple hours with a siagnostic shrink?
Or if you want to get a better idea,
tests and
diagnostic criteria from some creeps who consider it a developmental disorder. Used to call homosexuality a sexual disorder, and still call drug dependence a disorder, so you can't take them seriously. Only way to get a diagnosis of AS, though. Though if you have the neurotype, you might find a doctor who'll tweak the "disease" guidelines a bit.
Hi rosewell, I noticed that everything you said was based on social skills.
Autism and Asperger's are based on a 'triad of impairments'.
It affects areas dealing with social skills, communication overall, and routines, rituals and obsessions.
Do you have difficulties with imagining what people might be thinking in situations? Do you have trouble changing routine? Do you have obsessions? Do you find it hard to plan ahead?
If any problems that you have are purely social then you could have some form of social anxiety, or avoidant pesonality issues.
Thanks Quintucket and Amy for replying. I have thought about what you said, Amy, about the triad of impairments. I frequently become interested in an issue/topic/idea and it is all I can think about for weeks, and all I want to do or read about. I get quite anxious if I don't get much spare time to devote to whatever the interest of the moment may be. As for planning ahead, I get befuddled alot, although I have routines that I have developed in order to survive with the children. It doesn't take much to throw me off, though, and I get stressed and angry, and there have been more mornings than I care to count where my son and I have driven to school both in tears. I also get stressed out if I have more than one or two things to do/ remember. I need lists, reminder phone calls etc. I'm not good at all at planning a shift at work, although over the past 15 years I have finally worked out how to write a shift plan that works for me. I can't do agency nursing, though, as I find it impossible to work in a new place as a once off, it takes me too long to get use to a workplace to be going to a different one every day.
As far as imagining the thoughts of other people, sometimes I can, often I get it quite wrong, and have lost friends through poor judgement, and I have had some marital difficulties caused by my enormous difficulties understanding the dynamics of an intimate relationship, the thoughts and needs of another adult, I am disasterously bad at coping with the day to day emotional ups and downs of my husband and sons, although I work really hard at staying calm and not always taking everything literally and straight to heart. Maybe all of this means I am a normal person, but I have always felt off-beat, and my husband often says that I have a very unusual mind and although he loves it, he doesnt understand it. I guess that is what I'm trying to do now - understand my mind.
I think it would be worth getting tested. Just to help you understand yourself better. The whole process of testing with my son was eye opening for both my husband and I. There were so many questions that indicated we had no idea what most children, what most people, were like. The things I answered yes to ... I had no idea they weren't "normal." While the testing was obviously most revealing about my son, it also taught us a lot about ourselves, and as many parents of Aspies come to realize, we ourselves have many Aspie traits, albeit I don't think I have enough of them to receive a diagnosis of Aspergers (just enough to combine genes with my husband and make all the traits far more prevalent and pronounced in my child). ANYWAY, whatever the process would conclude, the process itself is probably worthwhile for you, since you seem to yearn for a better understanding of what makes you tick.