My son is almost 21. We were living in Turkey when he was born. I knew before birth that he was going to be different as I first felt him move at 12 weeks into the pregnancy, which my obstetrician informed me was impossible. As it was my 2nd pregnancy I could distinguish the difference between a baby moving inside me and the after effects of a meal I'd not digested properly!
He was diagnosed at 2 with ADHD, then with Asperger's at 4. Bringing him up in Turkey had it's advantages and disadvantages. My marriage was not strong either. However, he was not a child who was agressive. He only came across cruelty when he started school though. He didn't have the cunning to "look out" for himself when other children, aware of his vulnerable condition constantly got him into trouble, or worked him up to such a point that they knew the exact level to back off and act innocent before he snapped and the teacher then stepped in to deal with his outburst. We were legally bound to send him to school. His IQ was over the normal literacy level so he couldn't attend a special needs school. So we used to take it on ourselves to make sure that the teachers at his school knew that we as parents refused to allow him to be subjected to the constant teasing. It worked and his teachers changed. At the end of primary school we took him out of a state school and put him into a private secondary school and there he flourished. He became relaxed, popular and enjoyed going to school for the first time.
These children are extremely vulnerable. They have no one to fight their cause but their family. Please do not let your child be bullied. They remember every little incident and can relate it in detail far more easily than any child without Asperger's for years and years.
I've gone on a lot so I'll close now, but I can't stress enough how much more these children need their parents' close scrutiny while away at school. They need to understand that the situation they are in is secure, because life is hard enough for them already.
I stumbled on this site and joined today. I love it. Thank you all for being here.
Oh, my! My OB/GYN told me I couldn't possibly have felt my baby move at 13 weeks. But I know I did. My husband felt him at 20 weeks. He was my first and I thought before I had him that he may rip through my stomach before it was over. He despised the elastic waist band of maternity pants and would push at it with his foot. My second son never hurt when he moved.
At 2 my older (Aspy) son was diagnosed ADHD, then Asperger's at 4. He rolled, crawled and walked early. At 9 months he would line toys perfectly straight by size and scream if they were moved. He's never played with toys in the "traditional" or expected manner. I've always known he was special. And I mean that in the best sense of the word.
I was so surprised to see so many similiarities that I had to comment on it. I stumbled onto this site today with no intention of posting so soon!
The rest of my post is not directed toward Keeley, nor any other individual:
We have been fortunate that our school (private) has read everything we've brought them and have incorporated some of the recommended methods to help him with his learning style. It is a small school which helps considerably, I think. He is allowed to be an individual while expected to behave and live up to his potential.
Yet even in this environment, we have had to deal with bullying. It seems one child on the playground waits until everyone is lining up and the teacher is preoccupied so that he can trip or punch him.
He is very sensitive and even in the normal way of children wanting to play with other kids, hurt by what he sees as a personal rejection.
I agree that it is something that can stay with them for a very long time and have a devastating effect on their self-esteem. So, I think that bullying must be stopped at all costs. However, I do realize it may not be possible for the child of the OP to be removed from or even transferred to a different school, as choices in our community are extremely limited as it may be in their community.
If there is any way to stop the bullying, including removing from that school, of course, it should be done.
If it is not possible to remove him, going up the chain of command and persistently demanding it stop should be pursued. Individual therapy to learn ways of stopping it, coping with it, and preventing or improving self-esteem issues may be warranted.
Please don't flame me for saying something other than "Pull him out now". I think if it is possible that should happen. But in reality, it is not always possible. So these are some things that occurred to me as part of an alternative.
Yeesh, sorry for the really long-winded post! It's just so wonderful to have found this resource.
My 13 year old also has had violent meltdowns - it is REALLY important for all the other people around him to stay calm and in control (although I do realise that is extremely difficult).
I am lucky that he is much smaller than I am so I am able to hold him and remove any 'weapons' he has armed himself with. I do not believe he wants to carry out any of his threats - he really appreciates us saying, calmly, "We will NOT allow you to do that, however angry you are." as it makes him safe, even though he has lost control.
He is now in a much better school where he is allowed to spend as much time in his 'safe place' - the school library - as he wants, whenever he wants. The staff there even unlock the teachers' private resource room for him to use when the library becomes busy.
The 'meltdowns' have abated and I am sure that this is because he has more control over his life, which we find extremely important. If you feel that your life is controlled by others, unpredictable and possibly malignant, how are you supposed to cope when you are only thirteen and, as an Aspie, have never understood how or why the world operates as it does?
Sorry to go on, I am new to this site and as someone else remarked what a wonderful resource. :grin:
Well I thought this was a forum for parents to give each other support. You people are the first "community" of Asperger's experienced people I have come across. I think the world I've been living in until now, filled with the people who only hear about Asperger's for the first time when I talk about it, is the one for me.
I was clearly wrong to think there would be any communication here.
I wish you well. You clearly need all the support you can give eachother. But please try not to be so critical of eachother, because it is clear that eachother is all you have.
Good luck!
Yeah 11-13 is going to be the worst of it!
I can relate to your trouble with violent fits. :wink: My son Aiden has not been "officially" diagnosed though the genetic doctor did admit he has some form of autism. His mental capabilites are fairly normal until he becomes aggitated or confused. :mad: Aiden has speech problems so he gets frustrated when no one can understand him. He does know some sign language that was taught by the therapists when he lost his hearing due to a ruptured ear drum. :evil: :$ ~:-( My son also has thrown rocks at me. He screams like a dying cat & screeches & swears. His eyes turn red making him look like a possesed demon. :twisted: It takes 5 people to hold him down for shots or blood work. :oops: Unfortunatly, I am a single parent which means I have to work & can't always come to teacher meetings. The stress he has caused of late at soccer is making me tired & depressed. I am hoping to find him a team with a mature coach. The coach he has right now is only 16 & doesn't understand about kids with disabilities. His mother insinuated that Aidenwasn't welcome back at practice. There are going to be words with the U9 commissioner about descrimination. I feel is though it is my fault Aiden is this way. The school said I was ADD but I'm probably more like him. I hate being touched & am notorious for swinging at people that sneak up on me. I also have a terrible temper & don't remember what occured after I cool down. Aiden & I are kind of both in our own little worlds when at home. Hopefully Donna you can help your child with his behavior issues. Aiden & I are going to counseling this week for his anger issues.
Question, I've been reading thru all of this. I am in a relationship with someone who has a little brother with Aspergers. Any of you try good old fashioned discipline instead of using this "Syndrome" as a crutch to fail as a parent? Even a rat learns not to drink from a bottle of water with electricity hooked up to it. Yet you choose to comprimise with these children because they are "different". I have a son of my own who was raised with wooden spoon. Someone once told me to "pick your battles" with a child with AS... Yet, as a parent, why do you need to pick, when you win every one? Don't forget, these are your kids, not your buddies, not your friends, raise them, don't "hang out" with them. It worked for our parents, it can work for you too.
DW-a-mom thank you for putting that troll in his place.So many times I have had people tell me "just make your kid mind". You can explain autism or aspergers till you are blue in the face and still someone is going to say "just send him home with me for a while and Ill straighten him out". :mad: I dont pretend to know everything about aspergers but I know you cant just shut it off.People that want to condemn without knowing are the people that have caused my DS to withdraw in public.
Belinda
the problem with the 11 year old boy, I think, is asperger's combined with adolescence. I remember when I was younger, I used to go CRAZY over frustration with growing up. Girls were especially frustrating because not only was I changing and had no idea what the world was like, but they were changing and some of them were getting bitchy. So that made them even more complex.
Hi all,
I think my aspie son may be taking a turn for the worse.
Diagnosed at age 6, he's now 11 years old. Had all the usual aspie stuff, not noticing body language and thinking literally and all the usual stuff with the syndrome. Now seems to have taken a turn for the worse and I do not know exactly what to do.
All of a sudden and just last week he started having temper tantrums. These are not the kicking, screaming, banging the desk kind, rather they are exceptionally violent, lasting anywhere from an hour to over a day.
I notice a violent stage of property destruction and vile verbal language getting worse as he gets more agitated. I just had a couple windows in my house broken after throwing things through them. Then he has this catatonic state that lasts until everything calms, about half hour. Other time he acts completely bizarre, silly and so forth a few hours and then calms down. It happened when we grounded him for cursing three days ago. My husband had to wrestle him to the ground so he wouldnt flip over the table. That was the first. The third was just yesterday after I and my husband got in an argument about a bill (nothing even about him) we had received. He was in his room. We started arguing in living room. Before I knew he had the bedroom window busted. He ran outside and we find him walking the street during night. He also threatened violence and suicide. My husband argues with him after we find him. He talks about torturing some rabbit he finds. Then tells my husband if he doesnt shut up that he will stab himself with a knife. Husband tells him -then kill yourself if you want to do it.- He doesnt harm himself and then throws a book at my husband chest.
He had three episodes of this. This stuff just started. Never had anything like this before. Im quite scared.
Is there any medications that can ease these meltdowns? Has had minor meltdowns before, yelling and banging his hands and whatever. Nothing like this.
I *am* an aspie, and had a bad time during my teens. First of all, on top of Aspergers a mood disorder, bipolar, emerged at that time and wasn't treated. Secondly, school got harder, peer pressure (which I never gave into) drove me crazy, the high school was huge (I hate crowds) and I started cutting class and hanging with some not-so-nice kids. Fortunately, my morals, which I refuse to compromise, forbade me from drugs or early sex, but I did throw some pretty wild tantrums. The more my parents would try to calm me, the more I couldn't. It was best to leave me alone so I could calm myself or they'd escalate. I don't know what was the Aspergers and what was the bipolar, or if it was both. I continued to have unstable moods and tantrums into adulthood until I started medication...for me it's Paxil and Klonopin, which work miracles for my moods. I have no meltdowns anymore. Make sure your child is not experiencing a co-morbid condition. I know it's easier to get a diagnosis of co-morbids in the US than in some other places. I'm not thrilled with everything our country does, but I like our mental healthcare system more than any other countries because we can at least pick and choose our own professionals. And they are not afraid to give us honest labels, such as bipolar, when we are still teens. Without my meds, I'd probably not be able to live in society. It is NOT this way for all or most Aspies though. But it's MY reality.
If kids got grounded for cursing, just about every child in existence would be grounded!
Hi all,
I think my aspie son may be taking a turn for the worse.
Diagnosed at age 6, he's now 11 years old. Had all the usual aspie stuff, not noticing body language and thinking literally and all the usual stuff with the syndrome. Now seems to have taken a turn for the worse and I do not know exactly what to do.
All of a sudden and just last week he started having temper tantrums. These are not the kicking, screaming, banging the desk kind, rather they are exceptionally violent, lasting anywhere from an hour to over a day.
I notice a violent stage of property destruction and vile verbal language getting worse as he gets more agitated. I just had a couple windows in my house broken after throwing things through them. Then he has this catatonic state that lasts until everything calms, about half hour. Other time he acts completely bizarre, silly and so forth a few hours and then calms down. It happened when we grounded him for cursing three days ago. My husband had to wrestle him to the ground so he wouldnt flip over the table. That was the first. The third was just yesterday after I and my husband got in an argument about a bill (nothing even about him) we had received. He was in his room. We started arguing in living room. Before I knew he had the bedroom window busted. He ran outside and we find him walking the street during night. He also threatened violence and suicide. My husband argues with him after we find him. He talks about torturing some rabbit he finds. Then tells my husband if he doesnt shut up that he will stab himself with a knife. Husband tells him -then kill yourself if you want to do it.- He doesnt harm himself and then throws a book at my husband chest.
He had three episodes of this. This stuff just started. Never had anything like this before. Im quite scared.
Is there any medications that can ease these meltdowns? Has had minor meltdowns before, yelling and banging his hands and whatever. Nothing like this.
Consider Depression or Bipolar Disorder? Both usually involve great violence.
Do you & your husband argue constantly? He might be doing this stuff out of stress & angxiety.
One of the other problems is that your husband said 'Kill yourself if you want to do it,' when he was threatened with a knife.
That is a very bad idea. That's one way to make depression worse (if this is depression). Even if this isn't depression by itself, saying that will really worp someone's self-esteem.
Either way, I'm not trying to make you or your husband out to be bad parents. I'm just stating facts.
Plus, Aspies often take comments very literally. I think the husband would feel dreadful if his son followed his suggestion (even though it wasn't meant to be taken literally).
yeah.. got about halfway through and couldnt finish... yet.. but.. a comment about the suffering thing..
I really think any suffering I or any other Aspie go through is a direct or indirect result of everyone else's reactions to us and actions against us. Everyone else being your typical non understanding individual espcially ones inclined toward bullying or whatever..
It also doesn't help when one of your parents refuses to even acknowledge that anything might be 'wrong' with you, well.. at least 'wrong' as far as the norm is considered. I mean I am different, and ignoring it doesn't make it go away. Actually he almost called the police on me once because I was crying in his house, long story but I think after that he finally realized that he had to be a bit more understanding with me.
And yeah.. sorry.. I tend to go off on tangents...
I used to have all kinds of problems in high school and i still have problems controlling my emotions when I get very upset, I bang my desk or something. But I used to be worse.. but it didn't help that the school didn't want to deal with me and just stuck me in special education classes and stuff. I got sent to alternative school too.. which I actually liked it better... except for the tie... but I talked them into me staying there and not wearing a tie and that helped some, once I got more stablized, alot thanks to the teacher there, I went back to regular school for the last year. But it was never easy, and all of the 'suffering' was due to all this social stuff and other peoples reactions to me... however I found a few good friends that helped and I have one that helped me since middle school, it makes a difference, because feeling completely alone is practically unbearable, and i could see how some people could become detached and after enough lead to one of those shooting possibly... but its the people around them's fault... maybe not all of them, but several of them.
Sorry just random babble.. and no im not a psyco and im not even really violent.. i was just typing out a through trail my brain was on.
yeah ok.. I'm going to stop typing now or we'll be here all night... er. day.. er.. whatever.
I'm pretty sure if I were in your shoes I'd make a very quick trip to the doctor to see if there was some kind of physical problem, then next to the psychiatrist for some immediate serious professional help.
It's obvious how much you love your son. But I think the violence has escalated too far and you need to get professional help.
If nothing else, get some counseling for yourself so you can learn how to deal with this in a calm and helpful way.
Good luck--I'm really hoping you get some good results pretty soon.
PS My AS son loves ju jitsu and has now started to take boxing lessons. Would your son enjoy something like this?