Aspies For Freedom

No wonder the poor kid is having meltdowns from the stress!  A different school might help, and perhaps you and your husband might think about a) not arguing, or
b) arguing only when you're sure your son can't overhear it.
My mum and dad having arguments were contributing factors to really awful tantrums in my teens; the angry screeching and buzzing was enough to make me want to throw myself off the roof.
Alison

I got my daughter a punching/kick boxing bag and put it up in the back yard for those days when she just wants to kick her frustrations out.  A bo staff (length of bamboo) is also a good release for her, she can use it to practise various martial art moves to help her calm down.  She now has an area under the pine trees in our back yard that she uses as a personal dojo, and it really helps her to wind down after a school day dealing with the norms and idiots.
Alison

I think there are a lot of good points above.  Have you implemented them and seen any positive effects?

My child is much younger but number 1 for keeping his tantrums down is to control his environment as much as possible so that he (a) feels safe in it and (b) doesn't get overtimulated.  You can't expect an Aspie child to learn as many rules at one time as you can an NT child; it is very important to pick your battles.  In other words, you may have to allow some cursing in order to focus on dangerous behavior.  If there are too many signals and instructions and rules coming in your child is simply going to start ignoring them all.

I have long been scared about how we will deal when my son gets to be older and physically stronger.  Right now I can physically hold him, but that won't always be the case.  Sometimes he just needs to explode.  Just needs to.

One thing I do know:  you get absolutely no where trying to engage or argue with an Aspie in the middle of a tantrum.  My son has gone to a different place in those times - he is too busy battling himself to be able to absorb anything from me.  You have to let your child finish the battle within himself before you engage him.  Otherwise, you just extend the tantrum and feed its power.

Create a safe place for your son to go when he needs a tantrum and insist that he carry out his tantrum in that place.  He should be able to absorb and follow that rule.  But, telling him to stop it or control himself  or to listen to you ... useless.  This is easy at home; much more difficult away from home.  But, see if you can come up with a plan of action for away from home as well.

Tell your husband that getting angry with your son at these moments is useless.  When the tantrum is over you can issue the preset and expected consequences necessary for everything he broke (I say preset and expected becasue it is important that you be very clear to your son, and that your son know, when he is not in a tantrum, what the consequences will be for certain actions he might take next time he is in one).  Calmly, matter of fact.  My son understands that he has to take responsibility for his actions while he is out of control, and he has no issue with it once he has calmed down.

Your son in entering a tough period in life, when hormones and emotions are racing through him that he doesn't understand and doesn't know how to deal with.  Tantrums are one of his ways of releasing that.  That doesn't mean you shouldn't work to control his environment to mitigate the tantrums, and that doesn't mean your son shouldn't take responsibility for what he does during his tantrums.  But, it should help you understand what is going on and why.  Getting angry at your son for having the tantrums isn't going to stop them.  If he knew how to stop them he wouldn't have them, it's that simple.

Good luck and I hope things improve soon.

I hadnn't noticed that ... but I can see the thought process.  I would suggest mothers helper and not babysitter, though, since you make a really valid point.  Even though the issues of handling a tantrum and being able to be successful around children are going to be separate 99% of the time, you can never be sure that the need to throw a tantrum won't happen while babysitting.

keeley I'm pretty sure one of the main things your son is "suffering" from, is your inability to accept him as he is. Rather than seeing him merely as an object of pity. He's a person, not a bird with a broken wing.

Assuming that someone is suffering, is to assume they are helpless. Which only continues the stigma towards those who are neurodiverse, are all like small little children, who can't do anything or function on their own. This may be the message you are sending to your son.

Perhaps if you looked at the ways to help him from the perspective of, how can I help him have control over his behaviour, vs the perspective of oh how he suffers, I'm the only one who can help him. Maybe he wants to feel some sense of independance from you, did you consider that?

Maybe your son is trying to act normal, because he feels it will satisfy you. That maybe then you'd stop treating him like a small child who needs mommy there to help him with his tantrums, and more like a man who can take care of himself, despite having some issues.

To assume others are as "unhappy" as you have assumed your son to be, is to claim that we all are not humans, that we're like pets that our parents need to take care of. I'm sure you can see how that is offensive to us, since it is a stigma that is still used to today, to convey how we need to be "cured" of our "suffering" when we're functioning just as well, if not better than neurotypicals.

Finally Asperger's "sufferers" hate being pushed into anything? Oh I suppose if your son was without Asperger's Syndrome, you would view his choice not to go to the gym as a decision, rather than him being insolent.

Try to look at things from his perspective, rather than your own. Think about how you would feel if someone claimed you were suffering, that you don't know what is good for you so you need other people to have total control over your lives. In fact, go to this site:

http://isnt.autistics.org/

Perhaps you might gain an understading of what it is like to have who you are as a person, assumed to be something it is not. I don't mean to offend, but I do think that maybe this might help you, like a little sensitivity training.

Oh dear - another "Goodbye for ever!" email.
Alison

I didn't mean to come across as blunt, and if I do come across as blunt it is not because I have Asperger's Syndrome. If I was blunt and NT, people would call it being passionate instead. Oh, but everything considered negative having to do with someone who has something like Asperger's Syndrome, must be due to their condition and lack of understanding, right?

Lil' Marlene and I felt it was insensitive, for a person to come to a Asperger's Syndrome support site, and claim that we're sufferers. Which is a common misperception not only of those who are Autistic but who are handicapped. It is that kind of message that makes some people think, that murdering those who are Autistic or handicapped is a mercy killing. That they're saving their child from suffering.

We don't suffer, except for the general ignorance of those who refuse to see things from any perspective other than their own. Clearly I think keely might have been one of those moms, who had in past experience was immediately felt sorry for by claiming how much her son was suffering, and in turn she was suffering.

When she didn't get her usual response of "awww, it's so hard" and was delt some reality, she didn't know how to handle it other than attack me. Then she went back into victim mode, and acted as if nobody understood her son's suffering, and then left claiming this board wasn't supportive.

Support isn't feeling sorry for your child and yourself, and acting as if you're helpless to your child's DX. It's being strong and supporting your child, and seeing them as something beyond just someone with Asperger's Syndrome, and seeing them as a person. Once you do that, you are telling your child they are not a victim of their circumstances, that despite those circumstances they still can live a good life.

DW_a_mom, you're nice.  I vote we make you an honorary Aspie! :wink:
Alison

I agree. I don't really have anything to help. I just wanted to say that I went through a similar thing when I was 11 to 13 years old and starting puberty. But yeah. My mum pulled me out of school and started home schooling me. But even that ended up not working as I was just not interested.

Wow! Go DW! Go DW!...why is saying this starting to remind me of the cartoon Darkwing Duck? j/k :lol:

I never understood why boys acted so silly and teased and tormented the girls that they liked.  I thought they did it because they didn't like me and got insulted and withdrew even further into my shell.

It seems to be an "any publicity is good publicity" type of attention-getting thing.  But I was like you.  I would just get upset and try to avoid them even more. It seems as if I spent my entire education attempting to avoid everybody!  
Alison

Yeah, me too and now I look back on all the wasted opportunities (I don't so much mean the boys) but just in general.

I don't know if it's much point just grounding a child for cursing. Children often swear because they hear others doing it and then they think they are "cool" and "tough".

It isn't normal for kids to have tantrums that go for a day so some medical help is needed and maybe some medication to calm him down a bit.

Some meltdowns are caused by authority people forcing things upon Aspies even when they have been told by the people themselves that they will get upset about it. This has happened to me at work, and maybe a couple of times in school.

For instance, I was told I wasn't allowed to talk any more to a case officer who was helping with a return to work programme. I was very upset as he had been very helpful and we seemed to have established a good rapport. Anyway, I begged them not to make me hear him say goodbye over the phone. I told everybody concerned that I'd prefer the goodbye in writing. But no, they thought that would be too "cold and impersonal". I didn't think so, as I could have kept a copy of the e-mail.

Anyway, my director took the attitude I just had to "suck it up", and so I was pressured by various people to go to this phone hook-up and when told I wasn't allowed to talk to him any more, went ballistic and punched a hole in the wall with the top of my head. I'm usually a non-violent person and was not going to attack anybody in the room.

So, it can be the case that even when we have enough self-knowledge to know what is liable to trigger us off and when there are viable alternatives for authority figures to take, they still have to follow their preconceived notions and then trouble results.