01-16-2007, 02:20 AM
I relate it to dropping in on a ramp at a skatepark (inline, skateboard, or bike) Its easy once you work up the courage to do it, and if you ever slip up (and you inevitably do) its very painful.
01-16-2007, 02:20 AM
01-16-2007, 09:25 AM
Being social equates to boredom, frustration and sensory overload.
01-16-2007, 10:07 AM
"what is the hardest part of being social?"
Humans.
The very worst situation is when you have a partner or friend who knows you have problems socialising but has lost patience and tries to clumsily force the situation - i.e. by saying out loud (within hearing distance of the 'target') "why don't you talk to....", or "say hello to...". Makes me want to kill people.
Humans.
The very worst situation is when you have a partner or friend who knows you have problems socialising but has lost patience and tries to clumsily force the situation - i.e. by saying out loud (within hearing distance of the 'target') "why don't you talk to....", or "say hello to...". Makes me want to kill people.
01-17-2007, 03:14 AM
The hardest part for me is when I beat myself up over the occasional slip-up.
01-19-2007, 08:44 AM
When I meet a person that I think is genuinely cool, or that I can feel a certain chemistry with, and I'm able to have a normal dialogue with them, and everything seems so clear and easy, and the next time I see them the feeling is completely lost and I know I'll never be able to make the potential relationship I might have had with that person become a reality. It's like in your mind you know exactly what needs to be said and you can envision saying it with total confidence, but somewhere between there and your mouth it becomes weak and choppy and makes you sound unsure of yourself.
01-20-2007, 06:46 PM
I would say most of the difficult things about social interaction have this basic principle at the center:
The fact that you can't always assume that what someone says/does is what they really mean.
It took me till my first year of college to truly understand that.
Now I second-guess and overanalyze everything...which is almost as bad as not understanding the concept in the first place.
The fact that you can't always assume that what someone says/does is what they really mean.
It took me till my first year of college to truly understand that.
Now I second-guess and overanalyze everything...which is almost as bad as not understanding the concept in the first place.
01-21-2007, 12:00 AM
I never figure out what happened or how things went until afterwards, when I'm far enough out of the situation to analyze it objectively in instant-replay or reruns, by which time it's too late to do anything about it except try to learn better for next time. Still, it's hard to learn to recognize future social opportunity when I never identify possible opportunities until after the fact, by which time I can't confirm whether it was an actual opportunity or just wishful thinking in hindsight!
I'm also often too overwhelmed, or at least struggling to keep up, to remember about making eye contact (usually in unfamiliar circumstances or meeting someone I don't know), so I wind up staring at some other feature of interest (anything weird: hair, makeup, whiskers, jewelry, etc.); however, if it's a better friend I feel more comfortable with, I'll stare a hole right into their retinas! Eye contact is mostly an all-or nothing binary switch for me, so now I'm learning to flip that switch more often and trying to figure out when.
By now, since I found out about the importance of eye contact to NTs -- I've found people do seem to treat me nicer when I try to make eye contact at all -- and have been forcing myself to stay aware of that fact and practice-practice-practice, it's not so much about finding the "Goldilocks" happy medium of "more than too little and less than too much" anymore, as it's now more down to the subtler and more confounding issue of timing, when to engage and disengage contact for what periodic duration and in what rhythm or frequency.
The best system I've settled on so far is: keep glancing at their eyes; don't hold your gaze there if they're not looking at yours also; when your eyes do meet with theirs, hold your gaze on their pupils until they look away, then disengage eye contact whenever they do. Lather, rinse, repeat. Still, this leaves the thorny question of whose eyes to start glancing at and when! Certainly anyone you're talking with, or anyone you find attractive even if they're across the room.
I've had to develop some sense for dealing with the "deer in the headlights / light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train" anxiety that comes with full-on direct eye contact; hard to describe the Jedi Mind Trick involved in coping, but it's kinda like easing into a too-hot bath and sticking with it until you eventually acclimate or can tolerate the new level/type of stimulus. Takes a lot of practice, just try to stay calm and eye-engaged for as long as you can, break off if/when you have to, repeat.
I once heard that pupils dilate when a person is looking at someone they find attractive, so I notice that fact now whenever it happens; however, noticing it doesn't solve the problem of knowing what to do about it and how!
Most NTs are still too quick for me and will give up trying to establish any contact before I even realize I should mebbe try to start, so I've learned to just accept that fact and resign myself to letting it slide; even if I could synch-up with the quick-eyed ones, they'd be expecting me to keep that up that level all the time with them, which would be just too exhausting to maintain anyway.
Another big problem I have is with what I call "buffer overrun" and "signal-to-noise ratios"; i.e., extracting what someone is saying and deciphering it into intelligible speech when there's too much noise in my environment -- and by "noise", I don't just mean auditory. It could be too much stuff going on, too many people, scents, other distractions. The more stimulus I have to try and filter out or process, the higher the noise floor leaves less headroom for extracting and deciphering conversation.
As that speech-processing buffer gets smaller/shorter, I will tend to truncate either the start and/or end of what someone was saying so will need them to reapeat that missing part(s). At an extreme, everything they said just gets completely garbled, so I will either get what they said totally wrong (if I don't realize it got garbled in transmission, or if I'm just limping along, doing my all just trying to keep up), or I'd need them to restate the whole thing. People don't seem to like having to repeat themselves, even worse the more times they have to repeat the same thing. By now, if I can't make sense of it after the first repeat, I just say, "Sorry, I didn't follow that" and leave it up to them if it's worth re-repeating or just let it drop.
I'm also often too overwhelmed, or at least struggling to keep up, to remember about making eye contact (usually in unfamiliar circumstances or meeting someone I don't know), so I wind up staring at some other feature of interest (anything weird: hair, makeup, whiskers, jewelry, etc.); however, if it's a better friend I feel more comfortable with, I'll stare a hole right into their retinas! Eye contact is mostly an all-or nothing binary switch for me, so now I'm learning to flip that switch more often and trying to figure out when.
By now, since I found out about the importance of eye contact to NTs -- I've found people do seem to treat me nicer when I try to make eye contact at all -- and have been forcing myself to stay aware of that fact and practice-practice-practice, it's not so much about finding the "Goldilocks" happy medium of "more than too little and less than too much" anymore, as it's now more down to the subtler and more confounding issue of timing, when to engage and disengage contact for what periodic duration and in what rhythm or frequency.
The best system I've settled on so far is: keep glancing at their eyes; don't hold your gaze there if they're not looking at yours also; when your eyes do meet with theirs, hold your gaze on their pupils until they look away, then disengage eye contact whenever they do. Lather, rinse, repeat. Still, this leaves the thorny question of whose eyes to start glancing at and when! Certainly anyone you're talking with, or anyone you find attractive even if they're across the room.
I've had to develop some sense for dealing with the "deer in the headlights / light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train" anxiety that comes with full-on direct eye contact; hard to describe the Jedi Mind Trick involved in coping, but it's kinda like easing into a too-hot bath and sticking with it until you eventually acclimate or can tolerate the new level/type of stimulus. Takes a lot of practice, just try to stay calm and eye-engaged for as long as you can, break off if/when you have to, repeat.
I once heard that pupils dilate when a person is looking at someone they find attractive, so I notice that fact now whenever it happens; however, noticing it doesn't solve the problem of knowing what to do about it and how!
Most NTs are still too quick for me and will give up trying to establish any contact before I even realize I should mebbe try to start, so I've learned to just accept that fact and resign myself to letting it slide; even if I could synch-up with the quick-eyed ones, they'd be expecting me to keep that up that level all the time with them, which would be just too exhausting to maintain anyway.
Another big problem I have is with what I call "buffer overrun" and "signal-to-noise ratios"; i.e., extracting what someone is saying and deciphering it into intelligible speech when there's too much noise in my environment -- and by "noise", I don't just mean auditory. It could be too much stuff going on, too many people, scents, other distractions. The more stimulus I have to try and filter out or process, the higher the noise floor leaves less headroom for extracting and deciphering conversation.
As that speech-processing buffer gets smaller/shorter, I will tend to truncate either the start and/or end of what someone was saying so will need them to reapeat that missing part(s). At an extreme, everything they said just gets completely garbled, so I will either get what they said totally wrong (if I don't realize it got garbled in transmission, or if I'm just limping along, doing my all just trying to keep up), or I'd need them to restate the whole thing. People don't seem to like having to repeat themselves, even worse the more times they have to repeat the same thing. By now, if I can't make sense of it after the first repeat, I just say, "Sorry, I didn't follow that" and leave it up to them if it's worth re-repeating or just let it drop.
01-22-2007, 03:16 PM
Mum used to say to me "why don't you talk to x or y (former classmates)" after I'd left school and we were going out of church. There was a reason I didn't want to talk to some of them and that was we'd either grown apart or they were jealous of me. I would still talk to some though. It was very embarrassing but I'm sure she meant it for the best.
01-25-2007, 05:46 PM
I think the hardest part of being social is not letting the people you trust convince you to continue to contact someone that you thought was your friend, but then realized were just talking to YOU because THEIR parents were telling THEM to contact YOU.
02-04-2007, 08:19 AM
I find it hard just to try and approach someone new like so many people I know do.
I find it unconfortable to look someone straight in the eyes and end-up looking all over the place, though sometimes I force myself to anyway whcih is quite straining... because some people just seem to expect you to look them in the eye as you talk.
As I talk to someone, even if I know them really well and talk to them all the time, fidgit and move alot (one of my friends of 4-5 years from High-School almost everyday at lunch she would quickly press her hand against my leg yelling "Stop being so fidgity" and stuff cause I just couldn't (and still can't) seem to sit perfectly still (always changing the positions of my legs every few seconds and minutes)
I find it hard to tell sometimes when someone is joking around, and some of the most obvious actual jokes that people tell me, I won't get... my 2nd cousin she told me this joke and I thought she was being serious and she went: "I'm only kidding" (i get that one all the time)
I sometimes go out often, sometimes I rarely go out at all (sometimes I'll go out everyday of the week then hardly go out at all for another week or 2)... but usually when I do I'm either alone or just with my Grandmother... the person I trust the most of anyone and one of the people live with and dont try to meet anyone (hoping someone will come to me first) or my 2nd cousin who always has me meeting her friends for some reason... (As they are the best people at understanding the social problems I do have with AS)
I have a lot of trouble with loud noise... I am afraid of for example balloons because of the noise they popping and because of that I guess I act in the eyes of most NT's as a fool.. because at 20 years old I still plug my ears at just the most sight of a balloon and try to walk/run as fast as I can to get far away enough that I think "ok I dont think I'll hear it if it pops now" and my 1st ex-boyfriend when I did that in a big clothing store plugged my ears... told me 'straight to my face' how stupid i looked and how embarassing it was for him and all that stuff and that I shouldn't do that.
And the 2 things I hate the most about being social is:
1. Except for my new friends I just met a couple weeks ago and my family... usually when I meet someone new and start to feel close/confortable with and enjoy hanging around... I end up getting hurt or abused or they just suddenly dont wanna be friends anymore.
2. I am constantly told to speak-up and my 2ndcousin even though she does understand my AS really she still says when it comes to the volume of my voice: "Speak-up" "Plz speak-up" "I can't hear you your gonna have to speak-up" and the "Agrr.. you're gonna have to speak-up, I can't hear you... I'm getting fustrated" and yet will tell me she knows its not my fault.
Those things I gave example for all I find it so hard to be social most of the time because of all of that
I find it unconfortable to look someone straight in the eyes and end-up looking all over the place, though sometimes I force myself to anyway whcih is quite straining... because some people just seem to expect you to look them in the eye as you talk.
As I talk to someone, even if I know them really well and talk to them all the time, fidgit and move alot (one of my friends of 4-5 years from High-School almost everyday at lunch she would quickly press her hand against my leg yelling "Stop being so fidgity" and stuff cause I just couldn't (and still can't) seem to sit perfectly still (always changing the positions of my legs every few seconds and minutes)
I find it hard to tell sometimes when someone is joking around, and some of the most obvious actual jokes that people tell me, I won't get... my 2nd cousin she told me this joke and I thought she was being serious and she went: "I'm only kidding" (i get that one all the time)
I sometimes go out often, sometimes I rarely go out at all (sometimes I'll go out everyday of the week then hardly go out at all for another week or 2)... but usually when I do I'm either alone or just with my Grandmother... the person I trust the most of anyone and one of the people live with and dont try to meet anyone (hoping someone will come to me first) or my 2nd cousin who always has me meeting her friends for some reason... (As they are the best people at understanding the social problems I do have with AS)
I have a lot of trouble with loud noise... I am afraid of for example balloons because of the noise they popping and because of that I guess I act in the eyes of most NT's as a fool.. because at 20 years old I still plug my ears at just the most sight of a balloon and try to walk/run as fast as I can to get far away enough that I think "ok I dont think I'll hear it if it pops now" and my 1st ex-boyfriend when I did that in a big clothing store plugged my ears... told me 'straight to my face' how stupid i looked and how embarassing it was for him and all that stuff and that I shouldn't do that.
And the 2 things I hate the most about being social is:
1. Except for my new friends I just met a couple weeks ago and my family... usually when I meet someone new and start to feel close/confortable with and enjoy hanging around... I end up getting hurt or abused or they just suddenly dont wanna be friends anymore.
2. I am constantly told to speak-up and my 2ndcousin even though she does understand my AS really she still says when it comes to the volume of my voice: "Speak-up" "Plz speak-up" "I can't hear you your gonna have to speak-up" and the "Agrr.. you're gonna have to speak-up, I can't hear you... I'm getting fustrated" and yet will tell me she knows its not my fault.
Those things I gave example for all I find it so hard to be social most of the time because of all of that
02-17-2007, 09:22 PM
I cant remember what its like to have most of these problems... If i ever did. I started taking meds for my Aspie when I was 16. my few friends at school dubbed them the happy pills because I became somewhat more "normal". I can now look people in the eyes, though alot of the time the people I'm talking to are using a computer or watching TV so I couldnt look into their eyes even if I wanted to. I never had the heightened senses or anything so thats never been an issue. I can socialise but I rarely go out so I dont really need to. I still have a very hard time making friends though, mainly cos my only real interest is Anime & if they're not into that I have nothing to talk about, not many people round here my age like anime. I cant even notice a change in my behaviour when I take them but every one around me does, espically my mother, she says if they ever stop making those pills she'll loose it, she barely managed to cope with how I was before I started taking them, she honestly doesnt think so could go back to how it was, as far as she was concerned it was a godsend.... & i cant tell any diff at all.
Though I still have absolutely no empathy, when the whole 9/11 thing happened my teacher gave this huge boring talk about it & asked how we felt, I said I didnt care cos it didnt interest me, I dont know the people so why should I care if someone I dont know got killed. Well he didnt like my answer so went on about how painful it would have been getting burnt to ash & went round the room again, though this time was only to get a reaction from me, & once again I said i dont care. Then he looked at me like I was some horrible monster & 1 of the snobby/popular girls said "what kind of person are you" & Im just thinking well I dont know them why should I care. Im also brutilly honest, I talk to my best friend all the time on the phone & she'll say something that I *know* is wrong/stupid so I'll start lecturing her bout it & i'll be a complete jackass & hurt her feelings... Only I dont realise until after shes gotten upset & has hung up the phone, then I think about what I said & I have to call her back & apollogise. Im also way more serious then I need to be about everything, one of my friends has even said on numerous occassions that Im so serious its funny. & all the time I'll be serious as hell & my friends will start laughing cos what I've done/said was quite funny but Im just to serious to notice how funny it is.
Though I still have absolutely no empathy, when the whole 9/11 thing happened my teacher gave this huge boring talk about it & asked how we felt, I said I didnt care cos it didnt interest me, I dont know the people so why should I care if someone I dont know got killed. Well he didnt like my answer so went on about how painful it would have been getting burnt to ash & went round the room again, though this time was only to get a reaction from me, & once again I said i dont care. Then he looked at me like I was some horrible monster & 1 of the snobby/popular girls said "what kind of person are you" & Im just thinking well I dont know them why should I care. Im also brutilly honest, I talk to my best friend all the time on the phone & she'll say something that I *know* is wrong/stupid so I'll start lecturing her bout it & i'll be a complete jackass & hurt her feelings... Only I dont realise until after shes gotten upset & has hung up the phone, then I think about what I said & I have to call her back & apollogise. Im also way more serious then I need to be about everything, one of my friends has even said on numerous occassions that Im so serious its funny. & all the time I'll be serious as hell & my friends will start laughing cos what I've done/said was quite funny but Im just to serious to notice how funny it is.
02-24-2007, 12:54 PM
Just the passing of time really scares me, especially when I realise how long it is since I was in school and how many people I've lost contact with ...
02-25-2007, 05:07 AM
Conversation to me is only truly enjoyable when there is a constant exchange of facts or a it's a discussion of a new idea which when talked about out loud brings greater understanding of it. As soon as the conversation waters down and becomes all wishy washy I lose interest. Very obviously...to the person I am talking to.
I am not exactly sure what I can do about this or even if I should bother to converse more like NT's do. It's very frustrating because it creates a disconnect between you and the person you are talking to. People constantly tell me I'm quiet. I only know NT people and have only known them all my life. The truth is that I enjoy a good chat, just most of the time I can't get into people's preferred manner of conversation.
I am not exactly sure what I can do about this or even if I should bother to converse more like NT's do. It's very frustrating because it creates a disconnect between you and the person you are talking to. People constantly tell me I'm quiet. I only know NT people and have only known them all my life. The truth is that I enjoy a good chat, just most of the time I can't get into people's preferred manner of conversation.
02-25-2007, 10:48 AM
The people you can't get away from.
03-05-2007, 03:00 AM
the bendiable rules like this one:
my 'peers'(NT's) in most of my clases seem to spend most to the hour and a half class period talking,'yak yak yak'.the teacher doesnt do much of any thing about it. i get talked to for for reading in class or listen to my CD player when most have i- pod,all after i have done my work.whats up with that?
my 'peers'(NT's) in most of my clases seem to spend most to the hour and a half class period talking,'yak yak yak'.the teacher doesnt do much of any thing about it. i get talked to for for reading in class or listen to my CD player when most have i- pod,all after i have done my work.whats up with that?