Aspies For Freedom

Except for the consoling, that's pretty much what I always had problems with.  Job interviews are easy for me.  I have a topic.

I don't know how to end a conversation whether in person or on the phone.

I don't know how to get a person to go home or go away when I am no longer interested in having them around.

I don't know when to go home or go away when someone else is no longer interested in having ME around!

I don't know how to keep a lagging conversation going...I don't mind lags in a conversation, but I realize others DO mind.

I don't know how to determine a person's level of knowledge and or interest in a topic and adjust the depth and duration accordingly (I tend to go too deep and too long).

I can't do "small talk". Most people's relationships and friendships seem stunningly shallow to me.

I don't know when people are kidding around or teasing me. I take things too literally and too personally.

Often people don't understand when I am joking around...they don't get my sense of humor...they seem easily offended.

I can't invite people to do things with me unless I am absolutely sure they would want to...but how can I tell?

When people invite me to do things I am unable to say no, even if I am not interested. I worry saying no would be rude. I don't know how to decline offers politely.

When people ask "How are you?" I actually tell them and then wonder why they immediately lose interest. It seems phony to just say "Fine, and you?" when I don't feel fine and don't care how they "are".

I don't understand jealousy. I don't understand fidelity. I don't understand religious "moral" sensibilities. I've gotten into trouble a couple of times because of this.

When someone says "I love you" it always rings hollow to me. I don't really understand what it means or how I am supposed to feel when they say it, and I don't feel comfortable saying it back to them as they seem to expect me to.  I usually reply, "Okay." or "I know, you said that before." People either laugh this off, or get really depressed because they don't think their love is being "returned"...when really I might like them a lot I just don't know the proper way to convince them of this fact.

My 7-year-old AS son had a similar incident earlier this summer -- though I don't know if it occurred because he's AS or because he's 7 years old.  :?:

We were visiting a neighborhood park and there were a few other kids there, whom my son and my 5-year-old NT daughter were more than happy to play with.  Our neighborhood is rather diverse, and on this particular day we were actually the only caucasians there. I think this newfound minority status registered on some level with my son. You'll understand what I'm talking about shortly.

We eventually wandered over to the swings, minus my husband who wanted to check "the game" on our car radio. (He does this frequently. He can be social for a time then needs to withdraw. My guess is that he is also AS.) Anyway, I was having some difficulty trying to push both kids at once ("pumping" is still a weak skill for them) when a slightly older African American girl came over and very kindly offered to help. I thanked her and she pushed my son for a while, then her parents called her to go home. I reminded my son to thank her as she was leaving, which he did.  He then smiled a reflective smile and remarked rather loudly how "our family color is white."  :shock:  

Thankfully, the African American family was far enough away and absorbed enough in their own affairs by that time that they did not hear him. I did not want to have to go through the awkward explanation of how my son's not a racist, he just randomly blurts out observations from time to time. They seemed like reasonable enough people to judge by their daughter, but still.

I gently informed my son that it isn't considered polite to point out people's skin color. At this, he became rather distraught -- he looked almost ready to cry. He hates insults that much, that when reading a story he refuses to read the words "stupid" or "jerk." So now I had to explain to him that in the past and even still now some people treat others badly just because their skin is a different color. I told him I know it's stupid. (Oops, used the "stupid" word -- but he's okay with calling actions stupid, just not people.) But, I said, it's because of this treatment that people don't like to have this difference pointed out to them.

He "got it" and felt better then, but I did feel bad about distressing him over something he did in all innocence. On the other hand, if he makes remarks like that to someone a little less understanding he's going to get his butt kicked.  :?

When being around other people and being social I have three catatgories:

The first catagory is a list of things not to do that might hurt myself or others. This is the first and most important catagory that has to be kept when being social, it is absolutey important that this catagory of rules be followed at all times if I have to let go of getting things done in the second catagory to keep this one then I will. I rarely ever don't get this whole list kept. This is the most important one and I am very clear on what is on this list. Fortunately this is the smallest catagory too.
A few examples from this list:
no banging biting hairpulling
(this could be called the Very Obvious List, its a very clear one.)

The second catagory is a list of things that are not hurtful but also not to do because others can get very upset if you do them. This is a larger catagory and it sometimes still has to be updated and added to. Keeping to this list is harder than the first and I can't always keep all of these as well as the first catogory but I think I do most of it most of the time.
a few examples from this list:
no screaming picking scratching (screaming is Very Obvious but it goes on this list instead of the one above because it doesn't hurt others. More of these are Fairly Obvioius but not all of them.)

The third catagory is much harder and I never do get all of this list or anywhere near it because it is this impossible huge and always growing catagory. Also because my priorities are for the first two lists.
This is the Subtle Infinite List that is also not mostly consisting of don't it has quite a few do's, things that it is necessary to recall to act on and do. Timing for many of these is also very difficult to me. I do them too early or the other person is where they can't see when I start to do them too late.
a few examples from this list:
don't make faces, start then keep looking at a person's face when they are looking and talking until they are done, make a smile, don't fidget (the whole little stims don't do subcatagory goes here), etc to infinity.
This list contains more the Subtle and Less Obvious and I don't like to think about this list. Its hard to think about it sitting here in my apartment. I can think about it a little more when I am having to be social at that time.

To me being social is like driving a car (which I also can't do but at least nobody gets killed if you can't drive a conversation). There are completely too many things to try to keep track of and its exactly like looking ahead at the road ahead and trying to watch the spedomoter then look at the mirror on the side, pay attention to how much you are pressing on the gas look at the spedometer agian notice how far other cars are from uyou and if you are in the right place in your own lane and is there a turn and how far to start stopping  and put the signal on and then you're not looking at the mirror or this other mirror and I can't even explain it there is just way too much going on trying to drive a car that I cannot possibly do all at once even if I had 16 eyes on my head I could not I cannnot coordinate all of that and being social and having a conversation with 99% of people (and ohboy if there is more than one of them at a time too) is just like that to me.

I prefer to be alone or to only go outside with my friend John (for other reasons besides social also) and sometimes for short things about greetings and so forth in some places I copy him because he is much better at these things and people seem to like him.

Droopy

I get very nervous, wondering what to say next. I get so worried about what to say next that sometimes I miss what the other person said. I either talk too much or can't think of anything to say, and I'm usually happy when it's time to leave. Even with good friends that I'm comfortable with, I can only take so much socializing, then I need to rest.

hi. new user here. for me, i'm really anti-social at the moment. the people who i thought were my friends used me for alcohol so i want nothing to do with them. i never go anywhere, bc most of the time, i'd have to go alone. i can't talk to strangers. when i go to parties, i just sit there bored. if someone comes up to me, then great. i'll try to have fun.

it takes me awhile to feel comfortable around a new friend. i always worry about saying the wrong thing. also when i meet new friends, i hardly say much. sometimes they get offended bc i don't say much. when i'm around new people, i clam up.

I do not understand why saying this could be considered offensive.

For me, the hardest part of being social is the exhaustion. Also, I am not really good at subtle interactions when dealing with people. Unfortunately, I have learned to mask this with humour based around confused double meanings. Other people can not tell when I am joking or when I really have misunderstood what was meant.

the hardest part for me, and anybody else whether they're NT or AS I'm sure, is walking up to someone and talking.

Talking is easy. Generating a target response from the recipient is much much much harder, and intimidating.  It helps me to understand something about the person before meeting them, and to have some clear goals (and scripts) to use in the interaction.

Unfortunately, free-form social interaction for its own sake is something I find very difficult and a bit pointless. Adding structure helps - for example going to see a film with a friend with the aim of discussing it afterwards.

i can't meet people in real life. one main reason is i don't go out much, but it's just impossible. i meet people on craigslist.com. most of the time it doesn't work out though. i'm planning a move next year and i'm going to force myself to be social. it's going to be hard but it's what i do. i want to meet as many people as i can, bc being antisocial now sucks!

Knowing how often to keep in touch with people who are only regularly friends over the internet (MSN, etc) and how to do it effectively is my hardest thing to judge.

Starting a conversation and carrying on a conversation are what I find the hardest.

I have no problem with ending one since most end on there own anyway when they run out of things to ask me and I stand there waiting for them to do something. If they carry on relentless and I am in a position where telling somebody to go away will work I will. I usually do this as soon as the other person stops speaking for a moment and I will say "bye" or "you can go away now" loudly.

The people you have to socialise with.

It's time-consuming, especially if I'm on my way somewhere and I bump into a talker that is slow. When I go out to my folks I'm a little scared that I will bump into a neighbor when it's time to take the bus home again. I run slow to the bus stop and stand there 10 minutes because I'm so shaky.

The hardest part of being social is that you have to read the other persons' minds all the time. I really hate doing that, so i prefer listening to some CDs, old tapes and good-old records rather than attempting to understand all you *** humans!!