Aspies For Freedom

I know i'm not the only one here who struggles with trying to be social, and not really getting very far.  Many times i end up embarrassing myself because I cannot explain myself clearly, or i say something completely opposite of what i mean.... but i would say the hardest thing for me is understanding relationships.   I find it odd that i am so interested in social activities to the point that i am going to school for recreation and leisure, and i don't think i have all the social skills required for it.  I hope that my skills will be acheived before i go out in the work force.

but i was wondering what do you Aspies find the hardest to heal with about the whole social aspect of life?  Do you find it harder to find jobs. dating? friendships?  understanding relationships? understanding why people do certain things?

m, i agree with you.  I think this is something that everyone struggles with, but i also know from personal experience that some people are just mean and will manipulate people to get what they want... which means they will pretend to be your friend and such.... it hurts!!!

fubar, i also agree, it's so hard, i havea difficult time doing this.  I have 3 really close friends, and yet, i still struggle tryingto figure out how i know they are really my friends... they have supported me through everything, but i know they are my friends because i yelled and screamed at them tryingto push them away, and they just loved me... made me really uncomfy at first, but now i enjoy their company!  but i don't really have other friends my age, my best friends are about 10 years older than me at least! it's hard for me now, evenat 25 to make aquaintences into friends... i feel for ya!

The hardest thing for me about social life boils down to the littlest things like interaction with people living with me.


I sweat over simple things like if someone asks me if I wanted something to drink or if I have to ask someone where this or that is, or anything really.

I hardly socialize with others as I don't go out much, but soon when I begin to study I guess all that will change. I'm really nervous about it.. my stomach turns just thinking about it.

Honestly i'm just fine in a crowd as long as people leave me alone, but for some reason my quietness attracts people to come over and say "ohh where are you from, blah blah blah" and then they expect me to trail around wherever they go and whoever else they hang out with, I've done this for years!!!  

Sometimes I feel now like I'm just going to have to cut that! But i'm too shy to do that, I just want to do my own thing and no one bugs me!!!!!!!!!!! Is that too much to ask for!!

Sorry, alittle stressed today.

The answer might be different each time you asked, but right now I'd say: Predicting future behavior from past trends. Just because someone has been good to me, does that mean they will continue to be? Will they suddenly begin to hate me? Except for my mother and my roommate, I don't know. I lost a friend once when I said I didn't trust him. It was the truth--I had only known him for a year, how was I supposed to know what he would do or how he would act? I even get mildly nervous when I go for walks, because I have no reason to expect that drivers won't just keep going when I'm in the crosswalk.

but the thing that I have issues with Dixie, is the fact that i have a hard time applying what i learned from one situation to another relatioship or situation, which is difficult....  i can never figure out how i got in the situation, and to everyone around me it's soo obvious.... i end up obsessing over those situations, so i don't make the same mistakes... which i end up doing....  but i think i have started to understand what questions to ask myself, butas my friend tells me, i keep making the same mistakes over and over!

Meeting someone new and not knowing

1.  What they like/are interested in talking about
2.  What kinds of behavior they will and will not tolerate
3.  What they expect to see in terms of body language, behavior, ect.

That, and meeting people I have not seen for a long time.  That's actually worse; they expect you to know things about them and be friendly, but you've been apart so long, you don't remember them very well- and besides which, they've changed.  That's always so difficult for me, I end up usually not trying to befriend them again.

Couldbecousin:  I once told an african american girl I had just met, by the name of Mahogany, "Your name matches your skin."
Of course, she was horribly offended and now considers me a racist.   :oops:

This is one of the funniest things so far in here. :grin: Personally I wouldn't even understand it that way. All of these occasions sound like very witty dark humour. Keep doing it, I'm quite sure there's someone there who can laugh at it instead of taking it personally.

There was a similar situation at work today. Some co-worker who was on a holiday brought her little kid, girl, age about 4 or 5. She froliced around cheerfully and asked people who they were. Another co-worker asked the kid if she knew who she was. I went away for a while and then it hit me, the most wittiest thing ever to say to that kid. It went like this:

Me: And do you know who I am?
Her: No! Tee hee!
Me: I am... :evil: YOUR WORST NIGHTMAAAAARRREEGHHH :evil: (deep growl)

Then she would panic and cry and I'd just laugh with co-workers and say something like "Oh I love kids." :grin: And everyone would have thought it was funny instead of thinking I'm a kid-hating psychopatic **** with no feelings. I know at least 3 persons who would've laughed their asses off in that situation. I also know 300 other persons who would've thought it was insensitive and rude.

But alas, they had left by the time I came back. Such a pity. It would've been fun.

One difficult thing in socializing is that you can never be sure if they understand your humour.

EDIT: Ok, who screwed up the BBcode?

I'm glad i'm not alone... I tend to hang around the same people who accept me, and my quirks as they call em... but yeah, meeting new people is always a challenge...  last night there were some really cute guys at my mom's place.  (they are biking across canada, and needed a place to stay, so they tented in my mom's back yard.)  The guys were so cute, and around my age... and I had lots and lots of books around me, as i am still doing a research report on AS... and he asked me what i was doing, i told him i was researching about asperger's, he then asked me what it was and how i knew about it.... i didn't want to tell him right away that i had it - because many people look down on me for it as soon as they find out... so i told him i knew many people that had it... and that seemed to satisfy him, but i was trying so hard to remember all the social cues and stuff, but i still am worried that he might have caught on...

so this makes me wonder,  if it's this difficult to talk to the opposite sex, what will dating be like?  Can anyone tell me possitives and negatives about their dating experiences?  I'm hoping to date soon, but, i want to know more, before i jump into the dating game!

I thought of another social situation which is very hard for me.

I can't walk up to a counter and order something.  I just get so completely terrified, I stammer and sound stupid, and don't speak clearly.  The same thing happens when I am talking to a waiter/waitress.  I suppose it's because I don't want to offend them, but I'm not sure.
And also:
I can't be the first person in a group, can't be in the front, can't be the leader.  I always have to find some way to end up behind someone, following them.  I don't know why, but being in the front of a group frightens me.

I am relatively social and very much well liked, but I still get freaked out in many social situations.

I'm the same way,  out side of the normal social stuff ido, i get freaked out.. even within my ocial circles i get freaked otu sometimes.. it all depends on how much is goin on... i'm usually great for a while.. and then everything happens at once and that's what i can't handle..  my friends are starting to realize not to be sarcastic or joke with me... or tease me when i'm really down...  it's hard to actually tell them, cuz most oft he time they think i am joking around... but i'm starting to understand how to!

Another one:
I also cannot perform in any way; singing, public speaking, even just a lousy school presentation, scares me to the point where I almost cannot speak.
I also cannot deal with people I *used* to know, but haven't spoken to for a long time; and also, people I ought to know, but don't, like classmates I rarely talk to or distant relatives.

For me, the hardest part of being social is talking to my friends with my mother's supervision. She wants me to be perfect. I often get nervous and excited while meeting new people in front of her face, so I will move my hands around when I talk, as if my hands were stress balls. mom often trys to give me tips on how to relax. but i still can't control my nervousness. if mom didn't have to be such a perfectionist, i probably would be more relaxed.

If being sociable is important to you (perhaps in the workplace, finding a partner or just because you hate being alone), that's one thing.  It will probably never feel like the most natural thing, and failure is very possible, but that's just the way things are for us.

If being sociable is not absolutely vital to you, or is merely a requirement of fitting in (because being sociable is What Everyone Does), then why bother?  Why go to such lengths when it is so much easier (on you) to say "I'd rather not" and unconventionally turn down social invites (in a nice, friendly manner).  

I always wanted friends, a friend, ANY friend.  I was singularly bad at it.  When I DID succeed, I was horrified to find that I didn't actually want any real contact with the friend because my hobbies and interests were far more important to me.  It was great to be able to say I had a 'best friend' (only friend, as it happened) in conversation, but in reality I wanted to keep her as a remote friend.  Someone who says 'friend' on the label, but who did not feature in my life, with whom I wanted no contact.  The friend became a bit of an obligation, and a horrible drain on my time.  I never expected to feel like that.

So now I CHOOSE not to be sociable.  I'm pleasant, friendly even - and I imagine no-one would even guess.  But if anyone tries to establish any greater level of contact, I do back away from the situation.  It's just not me, not at all what I'm good at and not what I want in life.

Therefore, I think the fight is only worth fighting if being sociable is very important to you.

1. Not inadvertantly saying or doing something rude. I'm very blunt, and it seems I can act overly familiar with people I don't know very well yet. What it boils down to is that there's not always much of a filter between my whims and my actions.

2. Figuring out flirting. I'm almost always oblivious to it when I'm being flirted with, and I'm never quite sure how to approach someone I'm attracted to or have a crush on. I panic slightly, and either I'm tongue-tied, regressing to the awkward, stuttery, repetitive way I spoke in childhood, or I blurt out the first thing that pops into my mind ("You have really stubby fingers!").

3. Knowing when to talk and when to stop talking.

4. Following the thread of a conversation. Sometimes I get stuck on something someone's said, and by the time I'm through mulling it over everybody's talking about a completely different subject and I don't really know how it happened. Sometimes spoken words seem to take a long time to reach me, and the sounds are strange and unintelligible for a moment between the point at which I hear them and the point at which I understand. It's like English is not my native language, although I can understand it fluently.

5. Feeling alienated. Sometimes I really despair over the unknowableness of other people and wonder whether any human relationship really means anything at all. Fortunately, this isn't always. Only on occasion, when things are quiet, and my friends are talking about something I don't understand, and I think about people I've known who I never see or speak to anymore, and I realize the distances that are between us. All of us.