Aspies For Freedom

Turning acquaintancies into friends. Meeting them outside the hobbies, work or school. Networking. Talking about emotions, needs, desires and worries. Treating each person differently, instead of applying the same formula on all. Separating friendliness from seduction. Consoling someone. Sharing interests. Relating to worries. Responding to teasing. Making them understand.

Just something that pops into mind.

Imagine having the contact info for like 100 persons and still you don't feel like going for a beer or two with any of them. Not that they invite you either.

I don't know that you ever completely heal when trust is betrayed.  Unfortunately (or I guess fortunately), the betrayal influences possible future relationships.   I have had friends I have known for 20 years and still would not trust them with intimate details of my life.  Yet, I have trusted someone completely after only knowing them for 3 months.  

I think issues regarding trust and betrayal are not unique to either the Aspie world or the NT world.  What I do think is unique to each is how we handle the betrayal of trust.

Just an NT thought (or two).

Dixie

Darby,

Actually, I have given this very topic a lot of thought recently, as I too, tend to repeat my mistakes.  Of course, immediately after being "burned" by someone, I am more restrained and less trusting right after the event.  New trust will not be fostered close to this event.

However, as time passes and the memories fade (and the emotions associated with the events), my recall tends to downplay how upset I was at the betrayal, and once again, I repeat my mistake.

Dixie

Hmm, for a (fairly) likable ( :lol: ) & socially adept chatterbox, I can think of so many answers to this that I'll have to respond in little chapters!

The first thing that comes to mind:  Remembering my manners when meeting NEW people.  I tend to stick to the same little group---family, work friends, a few friends outside work---year after year. Since I know them, I can socialize with them almost on automatic pilot, by which I mean, I can chat with them unguardedly, one foot in the conversation & the other in my dream world as I like to be, without offending them.  But when I meet new people, I have to watch it or I will innocently say things that just turn out wrong.  Since I am always kind of half-here & half-checked-out, I get careless in new settings; when I visited my sister & her in-laws last year, at age 39, my sister had to gesture discreetly to me to wait for the others to get their food before eating my own (it WAS a buffet), and to wait my turn in conversation (I only interrupted once, but still...)  :oops:  Seeing a woman on the bus with buzz-cut hair, I thought happily, "That's just the haircut I would get if I didn't worry about what other people thought!" and if she'd spoken to me first I would probably have blurted that right out, meaning it as a sincere compliment!  A few years ago, at a dog show, I told the owner of a magnificent St. Bernard that he (the dog, not the owner!) had a head "like a pumpkin!" and was a bit hurt and baffled when she answered, "I take offense to that!"  Things like this tend to happen when I go somewhere new---but since I seldom DO go anywhere new, they don't happen often.  I guess you could argue that I need practice & therefore should "get out more," but at 40, I KNOW the way I'm supposed to act, I just seem to have to reload the social-graces program every time I meet new people.  It isn't hard, it just takes a moment's reminder to myself, but I think the fact that I DO have to remind myself of it at all, esp. given the fact that I really do "get" social cues & shades of meaning in most interactions, says something about the degree of detachment between me & the world of other people.

Its even worse when you have the contact info and you want to do something but you don't know how to do it.

Never knowing who can be trusted.  Being unable to tell if someone is screwing with you or genuinely likes you.  Being unable to tell when and how you have ****** this last one up.

Luai: Don't you just hate it?  I've thought of a few more:

A very young cashier at a store got on the subject of smoking and  said, "My mom didn't start smoking till she was 35, she had me when she was only 18," and I stupidly said something like, "Well, yeah, when you have a baby that young, you lose your teen years"!!!  She was polite enough not to react angrily but she really didn't need to hear a total stranger hinting to her that her birth deprived her mom of youth. :oops:

Meeting new people about 5 years ago at a cookout, I put my foot in my mouth TWICE in about 15 minutes: first, I met a female friend of the host (I either wasn't told or didn't hear that she was in fact his FRIEND), noticed a resemblance between the two of them, and blurted out, "You & he sure LOOK like mother & son!"  Glaring: "I'm NOT his mother!"  :oops:  Then I chatted with the host's REAL mother, who mentioned in passing that her son was settling down more, didn't go out drinking much anymore, to which I replied, "Oh yeah, a guy I work with used to have a drinking problem too."  Slightly baffled: "Oh, I didn't say my son had a PROBLEM."  :oops:  How do I manage to DO this?  I don't do it EVERY time I'm somewhere new, but considering how few new places I go to & how few new people I meet, I seem to have a pretty high batting average... :?

And I'm FORTY.

I also have trouble ordering at counters.  I'm not scared or ashamed or anything, I just can't seem to bring the words out of my mouth.  Even if I'm at the same restaurant I always go to, and ordering the same thing I always do.  It's like trying to get that penny thats stuck under a bookshelf--you know you'l get it, but you have to work hard to ignore what people think about it because it's really slowgoing.  It's actually relatively rare that I'll be unable to say something, but with ordering from a counter it never fails.  

I think it has something to do with the fact that I'll be planning to go up and make my order, and the person asks me what I want, so now I have to deal with a question instead.

I am fairly antisocial, but I am still  liked. and have a large circle of mates :smile:

I am fairly antisocial, but I am still  liked. and have a large circle of mates :smile:

Anyone frusterated with the idea that the only way to meet people, is through work or hobbies? What happened to clubs based on common interests, or community get-togethers at the park district? I guess only children have a hard time finding opportunities to interact with others.

Socialization is pretty difficult for me, my social skills aren’t good. On top of it I am pretty introverted and reserved. I like doing things a lot by myself and do not have great desire for the company of others.

Socialization is something I really want to improve on, so I can do well in my life professionally, romantically and maybe socially (although I do not have a desire very much to be popular or have tons of friends)

It's just somehow tiring. I don't know exactly why.
I do however quite like being social, but I only like it for limited periods of time. Usually when it comes to going out at weekends I'd really rather not, but I do value my friendships so I often go anyway. Most of my friends seem to want company all the time and I try to explain that I need time by myself, and I think they're gradually starting to get it.

Anyway, when it comes to actual conversations I'm fine, though I don't generally bring up new topics, so I think conversations with me often contain awkward silences.

Being worried about things like: did i express myself correctly or did i blow the conversation with saying something gayishly stupid and hurting my public image. Trying to show (the correct) emotions/expressions when someone is speaking to me