I was out hiking by myself today and I was thinking a lot about AS and why I think I "might" have it. While I was thinking I suddenly remembered this story from my childhood...
It was when I was maybe in middle school in the summer time. I think I was riding my bike around and I stopped to talk to some class mates of mine. I don't remember what it was about but I think at the time I thought they were being friendly with me. Then all of a sudden they whip their penises out and started urinating on me and started laughing at me as I ran away. I rushed home on my bike, cleaned myself off while I cried. I just remember feeling so humiliated and de-humanized. I wonder if they were playing with me the whole time and I didn't realize it until the end. I was so gullible when I was young and sometimes I am still that way today.
I suppose I could be just making up the details in my mind so that it fits in better, but it seems to me like something that might to an AS type child. *shrug*
Being bullied by a group of peers in a premeditated and planned way, for no reason known to the victim, can happen to aspies. A group of NTs just decides based on something about the aspie that marks him/her as an outsider, that he/she is "fair game". It can even happen to adult aspies in work situations (but obviously not the same mode of bullying as described here). It's horrible and I think probably not too common, but I've certainly seen planned group bullying episodes. Only a couple of weeks ago as I walked past a school kindergarten-grade playground I overheard a group of little kids chanting in unison a nasty taunt to a lone child that had the word "autistic" in it.
It's a good thing that a teacher broke the group up before I got a chance to. :evil:
I come down like the wrath of god if I see this sort of thing in the playground.
And it's not always the case that the bully/ies have traumatic home lives. One kid is a total terror and he seems to have a sonar-like ability to find the children who aspies and bully them. He's usually the ring leader and has a group of other boys and girls who follow his lead.
Yet when I've spoken to his father about this behaviour, "Oh, it's not Joshie's fault, he's a little angel, he'd never hurt a fly, he's just a boisterous little boy, but he's harmless really..." etc etc. Joshie is a pampered little prince and his father seems to be the main culprit.
This boy's mother does not seem to be wearing the same rose-coloured blinkers as her husband and has been working with myself and the room leader to make his behaviour more acceptable.
I keep a close eye on him now, because he's begun to target Declan, who is an aspie kid. Declan likes to play by himself or sit and read, and for some reason this makes Joshua decide "It's bullying time." I make sure Joshua is steered away before he can do anything nasty.
But WHY do NTs so consistently DO this? It makes no sense whatsoever. Personally I'd like to flush "darling harmless little Joshua" down the toilet.
Alison
Alison
Well the more I have thought about it I am not sure if I am just looking for a reason to be different or to explain why I don't seem to fit into the world. I guess it would be hard to know for sure without just geting tested and that may still be sort of not conclusive anyway.
It is interesting you mention NT's doing such teasing. I thought I usually typed as an INTP yet think I have some INFP traits. I wouldn't have typed the kids that usually teased me when I was young as NT's but I am not a very good judge of a people's personalities either.
i am aspy
i'm sure there are several more uplifting reasons why you "might be aspy"
but yeah, in middle school/early high school i was sometimes targetted by the dumb* boys who thought picking on other boys was cool and not really twisted and messed up even in a sexual sense.
it's usually around the age that they want to be playful with girls,
but of course in school, that's called sexual harrassment,
so instead dumb boys sexually harass other boys
Aspy has a potential to be somewhat androgynous,
so sometimes we are the closest thing they have to girls.
except their reactions are of hate and not love.
so i see the connection.
*i say "dumb" as in those who can't be themselves.
Interesting.. Thanks Rockie for that different point of view.
I would say that I think I do have feminine traits but mostly from a personality standpoint and not so much from a physical point of view. At least as far as I know, but I will say that I don't think I am very good looking for a guy... *shrug*
I think what has been troubling me so much lately is just lack of any hope of finding someone special in my life. I just need lots of time to adjust to a women and to be comfortable around them, but they have long since blown me off or decided that I am just friend material by that point. It is hard to find people through freinds, because I only have a few freinds left and they are usually all busy these days with their own lives.
For instance I had this enTJ woman that I got to know, then really began to like and feel comfortable around over period of many years at work. However, she really shot me down at one point about a year back, because of religious differences. Now she has this other boyfriend whom sounds like they could have simmilar differences. Go figure... The other day she wrote me an e-mail about her relationship because she had asked me previously how my "match making" was going. So this yesterday and today I have been really depressed and all I can think of doing lately is sometimes I rock myself back and forth to try to relax myself as I don't know what else to do anymore. I have so much pain inside I don't know how to really deal with it anymore... Sometimes I just want to die to get it all over with....
Geek Engineer, I have been there myself, I have felt hopeless and wanted to die, and I am very glad to be alive now and finding my own little pockets of the world instead of trying to fit into ALL of it, which not even my most popular peers can do. When I come here and read other people's stories, *including yours,* I feel that I am at home. Please don't give up. Keep coming here!
Thanks couldbecousin .. I just needed to get that off my chest.. I actually might have to go see a psychologist again.. I have been getting a little scared with my desire to end things lately as the feeling have been stronger lately then ever before, but I think it mostly has to do with this enTJ thing. I probably just need to get over it and move on I guess, but these seems to be a common theme in my life so it hurts...
EDIT: ...I just haven't been really able to find a "little pocket" of the world to belong to these days which makes it worse..
Mr. Geek Engineer, two things I want you to take to heart:
First, most people have relationship issues. Trying to find a match is difficult. It's stressful. And it makes you vulnerable. Know that the feelings of worry and insecurity are normal and they are OK. It's part of the process. It does not, at all, mean the possbility is hopeless. I got married late myself. Build a life that you enjoy and that satisfies you, and then keep your eyes open for that special person who might just co-exist in that universe. Not the other way around.
Second, friends CAN become spouses. Some of my favorite "how we met stories" are the friends who were friends first. Turning it around is always risky and takes a lot of guts, but it makes a great "how we met" story. I'm thinking of 2 examples .... one, where my friend was asking her guy friend for advice about someone she was dating. His answer was, "I don't think I can help you with this kind of thing anymore. Truth is, I wish WE were dating." They've now been married 20 years. Another, my friend had been spending a lot of time with this male friend, but he had never tried to kiss her or anything. She liked him, but figured he wasn't all that attracted to her. She decided she was going to set him up with me, and told him that one evening. He said OK, and left her house. Then he came back. And explained that he didn't want to be set up with someone else, that he wanted to be with her, and what would it take to make that happen? They've now been married 12 years.
I KNOW that saying how you really feel is risky. But how can you know what the other person is feeling if you don't try? Life is too short to not take risks. Be prepared for rejection; hope for something else.
Let your female friend(s) know how you feel. Being married to your best friend is the greatest thing on earth.