Aspies For Freedom

Some of you have posted about trying to fake normality and how stressful it is. This would relate to the topic of how to get more respect; and the Reader's Digest once had an orticle on this more general topic.

This whi is somewhat important to many NT's would be much more crucial to those with autism/AS, of course. And that's why I thought that a new thread would be warranted.

On one of the other forums, there was a guy who said the same thing you said about faking normality. For a few years he had a good job and a wife and children. But one day it was just too stressful and he couldn't do it anymore; then, before he knew it, things started soming down around him. He lost his job and ended up facing divorce.

There was a time when I did something similar; but it was much less stressful because I faked being stable and purposeful, instead of faking normality. Still, it came to an end because something unexpected knocked me off balance.


I went to a place where nobody knew me enrolled in a trade school, and told a pretty good story when asked how I could live without working -- had good jobs in previous years -- saved money instead of living the "yuppie" life style like my friends and colleagues --- . That was a damn lie, of course, but nobody had any reason to mot believe it, as long as I acted the part.

One thing crucial to acting the part was being a good student. On more than one occasion, that was what got me to class on time when I felt like staying in bed a little bit longer or seeing the end of an interesting movie. More subtle but just as important was valuing my time -- not hanging around coffee shops or convenience stores or walking the streets obviously bored and looking for a distraction.

What about the need to talk about my problems sometimes? I *did* sometimes call "hotline" numbers in other parts of the country ... and sometimes phoned my family and a couple of friends of the family. Of course it's a relief to get something off my chest, but the respect that comes from keeping up a good front is a whole lot better. And that's what kept me from confiding in anyone in any physical proximity!

Actually there was a small element of faking normality. In a store there was a bumper sticker "Girls just like to have fund$" -- an allusion to Michael Jackson's song about "girls just like to have fun" -- also saying that women, generally, are gold diggers. I very definitely *did* feel that women generally were gold diggers; but still chose to not display that sticker. Why? just an awareness that the negative attitude toward women was one of the things that made people look askance. This, very definitely, was a case of not speaking my mind in order to look more "normal". But did it involve a great deal of effort? Was it stressful? Nor really -- surely nothing compared to the above-mentioned things in the previous two paragraphs.


One day there was a twelve-hour power outage, and I screamed in frustration. The police came and I told them that I was afraid of the good in the fridge spoiling. I told the officer my concern about some $100 worth of food in the fridge going to waste; and he replied "Look at all the darkness on these streets. Others have the same problem and aren't making any commotion." But as you all know, there was something else much harder to cope with, namely the electronic devices (e.g. computer, TV ... etc) being temporarily useless.

People were, of course, genuinely mystified by my feeling that I was affected in ways that they weren't; and genuinely wondered why I would be so unhinged by something that they considered just a minor annoyance. So I probably looked more like a sociopath than one who is stable and purposeful.

I think there comes a time when it just takes too much energy to fake it any more. One has had enough and it is just too much to face being a phony any more. Maybe it is like having a nervous break down or a meltdown or something like that - just one more supposedly "little" thing such as a power outage or someone speaking a bit snappily is the final straw.

I can't help wondering if this post will seem totally out of place, but as I read this thread, I couldn't help wondering, "who knows what normal is anyway?"  The example of the bumper sticker ... I think most peolpe restrain certain impulses out of the knowledge that someone else might find it upsetting, and choosing not to display a controversial belief is one area that is common.  To me, that isn't faking, it is being private and / or considerate of others.

There ARE rules society likes people to play by that I know my son thinks are ridiculous and has no desire to follow (but, then, he is only nine).  He couldn't care less if he picks his nose, eats his buggers, and fails to flush the toilet.  A toddler doesn't, either.   Most of these rules aren't instinctive; they are taught.  It's just that NT's seem to "get" the reason for them faster, while kids like my son need to learn the hard way the consequences society has for those who ignore common etiquette rules.  He complains of being teased for picking his nose and my respone remains a simple, "then don't do it."

I have seen kids that were "different" try very hard, and in very misguided ways, to be like the other kids.  Trying to acquire a way of walking, a speech pattern, that they think other kids will look up to.  It doesn't come off very well.

It must be a very fine line to learn:  what are rules of society you follow in the interest of everyone getting along (like flushing the toilet - no one will convince me that my son doesn't need to learn to do this), and what norms are window dressing that are more successfully left ignored (slang, fashion, and popular interests).  I hope I can help my son be successful in knowing the difference.  He has his definite own taste in clothes, and we support that.  He is interested in lots of things other kids aren't; we support that, too.  He can't play sports well; so be it (although we do encourage him to engage in physical activity he likes because it is healthier).  And so on.  I'll take to task anyone who dares tease him about any of those things.

I know there are places and times anyone can feel forced to put on an act.  I've done it.  But no one can do that day after day.  You need to find a road that is more comfortable.

But you still should remember to wash your hands after the using the restroom.

Yes, I agree that it is important to find interests that suit us and where we can make a positive contribution to society eg. by joining Amnesty International.

For years, I tried to fake being "normal" (and probably was okay at it until I was suddenly expected to become independent and make my way in society).

It eventually led to several breakdowns and years of searching for answers.

D W - A Mom, I agree that kids have to be taught that nose picking and not flushing the toilet will lead to rude comments from other people but sometimes it's hard to do this with Aspie kids as they'll have no concept as to why others might find these things objectionable.

I still sometimes get into trouble for talking about yukky subjects at the dinner table because of forgetting that some people don't have such a strong stomach as me.

You stick your head up above the crowd and sooner or later someone will throw a rock at it.

Yeah, don't I know it.  :evil:

D W A Mom, something occurred to me today. Could your son be not flushing the toilet because he hates the sound of the toilet flushing? I know this can be a concern with some really young children and some are afraid they will fall down the toilet too.

Yes, I think even Dr Spock said something of the sort in his book where he was talking about toilet training. Some kids are also so proud of their "creations", they don't want to flush them away.

There has to be a way of gently encouraging them to see that unfortunately, others might not have the same view. It's awkward if they are at school or at somebody else's place, because the other people probably wouldn't understand.

It's even worse in the workplace and I'm just as guilty as anybody else of getting grumpy if somebody has done Number 2's and not flushed properly. At home though, I have more tolerance for some reason.

Number 1's don't bother me if they aren't flushed but some people have a big hissy fit even about them.

If only they could see how ridiculous they look!

No, neither do I.  :?

She was just being very rude and silly so she was the one with a problem. Probably nobody ever stood up to her before.

"How to get more respect from people around you" Yes a good topic for a thread.
I noticed you comment on this thread. Is your comment by way of an example of what behaviours are conducive for getting respect or best avoided. Or was it more of a bit a "getting to know the inner Timelord thing".

I get respect from my actions.

So should you.

I didn't read any slight here.
Paranoia?
Does it concern you that your actions aren't respected Timelord? Many of them have good reason not to be, but I thought you just didn't care.