Aspies For Freedom

... do some non-AS parents set SO much importance on their kid saying 'I love you'? To the point where if a kid cant or doesn't that must be a terrible terrible thing. Sure, it must be nice to hear, but is it really that important?

Al has NEVER said to me 'I love you Mummy' spontaneously, despite his large vocabulary but if I mention this, people think this is the most terrible thing in the world.

A few years ago, my mother was trying to get Alex to say this and I had to ask she didnt, because he was good humouredly saying what she wanted to please her, but y'know, rather robotically. I'd rather not have him say it at all than say it by rote. I dont want him saying it to please anyone else, me included. I certainly dont want him saying it to manipulate anyone, as many 8 year olds are capable of.

I KNOW Alex loves me by the way he briefly rests his forehead on mine, or his hand on my arm by the panicky squeak he gives if I'm not where he thinks when he wakes up, the way he looks at me and then has to have a sudden, joyful, beaming-smiled flap.

I dont understand it at all.

Maybe we place less emphasis on the spoken word than NTs do.
One of my common sayings is 'Actions speak louder than words'.

Bethduckie, I think the answer is that too many parents are insecure themselves.  Looking for their child to fill a void in them.  Same reason they get all freaked out when their child says "I hate you" or "I wish I had a different mommy."  A sense of humor with any child, AS or NT, goes a long way.  And paying attention to the non-verbals, like you do with your son, is the best way to "know."

Plus, maybe our society does in some sense believe in forced love.  "I am your parent therefore you MUST love me."  Well, people are individuals.  We can demand that our children listen to us, but we cannot demand that they love us.  Still, they do.  They really do.  Even my NT daughter who keeps wanting to order up a different model when she gets mad at me (I calmly ask her to describe the perfect mommy, which usually includes something along the lines of "she would let me do anything I want," and leads into a discussion of how boundaries actually help keep life happier; my AS son long ago outgrew that game).

Yes, and do the parents ever think that if they often told their child that they loved them, the child might copy what they said?

I think you're right, and often these same parents don't even notice how insecure they are making their child by saying that they wish they had a different (non-autistic) child.  It's very sad.

This sort of reminds me of the Mindy & Buttons cartoons from Animaniacs, where Mindy always would call her mom "lady" instead of mom. The mom would be kind of frusterated with it, but not push it.

Since Steven Speilberg made the cartoon, and now has been recently diagnosed Aspie, do you think that aspect of the cartoon might be poking fun at the Aspie experience? I've noticed Pinky and the Brain makes alot more sense now knowing that Steven is Aspie, Pinky is NT and the Brain is Aspie. So it's all about Aspie frustration with NTs.

I think the thing is that most of them DO.  But Asperger himself recognized that copying is one of the things that is difficult for autistics.  My mother tells me constantly she loves me, and sometimes I say it back, but I am more practically minded, and far more inclined to do and say nice things that, to me, have more substance behind them.

A lot of times it comes out as "loytu" same with other stock phrases like excuse me or entschuldigung.  I often say shummee, or schiu-gung, although more often I confuse the two phrases.  Eckschuldigung and ingscuse me are pretty common for me

Heck, my husband and I don't even say I love you to each other. The way we see it, we've been together for 12 years - he always goes to work to provide for his family and always comes home to us, he never goes out to hang out with friends, etc -I always take care of the home, the kids, the cooking, etc. We have all the respect in the world for each other, so in a way I think I would be insulted if he started saying'I love you' all the time because that would mean that he doesn't realize that I already know.

I always tell my girls that I love them. Sometimes they say it back, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they even say it first.

In my life the people who have hurt me the most are the ones who always tell me they love me, so I know to look past the words and focus on the substance and character of the person who is saying it.

Annie

That's funny!

Well, when I first visited Canada (I'm german), my penfriend there told me, that I had "**** good manners" and I was quite puzzled then. I understood that - even though I was tought that this word was not to be used in public - this was kind of a compliment, or a mentioning that my manners were too good. What I could not understand, was that manners coud be too good. I was about 18 then and first time on my own in a foreign-languaged country.

Then I tried to copy their behavior, especially the usage of sworewords - but I felt very uncomfortable, doing this! And it wasn't ok, either. Then I decided, to return to my usual self and be just good-mannered, even if they were making jokes about it  :lol:

There's a saying: When in (say any country), do as they do. Or: When you are at the coast: eat fish! But this just don't fit for me.

But as I visited the US later, too, I found, that the people I met there were quite polite to me. But this might be because I was from Europe and they were just hospitable.

Sibylle

Well, I sometimes do tell my kids that I love them, but more I try to show them by helping them. Trying to teach them to do everything on their own, they want or need to know.

As far as I know, I've never told my parents that I love them and I can't remember they did, but they showed me and I do my best to show them. As a child I would have needed them to tell me, for I did not understand the nonverbal signs of them loving me    And a long time of my life I just thought that my parents did not love me, especially because I was only born as a "backup" in case my brother died (what he did later, when I was almost adult).

Sibylle

See, that's the thing.  We need to bring people out of the midieval era and show them that science works as good as magic ever has.

People can be talking, but they won't always be verbally communicating.  Someone (I forget who, it was a while ago tht I saw it) on here said that smalltalk was actually non-verbal communication, and it makes sense too, because why would people prattle on about the weather when they can easily look outside?  It's the same with saying "I love you."  

At the same time, it seems that we have less trouble with demonstration, unless sensory issues intervene.  We expect the person to conclude logically that we care, because we would conclude logically that we care.  Whereas neurotypicals expect the conclusion to come from social formulae, because they would conclude it based on social formulae.  Thus, if the feeling is broken or altered, the feeling becomes invisible in spite of other signals that may even be quite blatant.  But if they're the "wrong" ones...

I agree. Even now, If I'm told off for something, I think it is because the other person must hate me. Even if I know intellectually that they don't, the emotiona feeling is that they don't like me.