Aspies For Freedom

...with adult aspies/autistics.

I'm the mother of an autistic 5 year old daughter, and I'm not looking to start any debates.  I just want to ask some honest questions.

I would like to know what you wish your parents had/hadn't done when you were child regarding your diversity.  

What did you really need from them the most?

What are the most important things that the parents of AS children should know, from an insider's perspective?

And anything along those lines that you would like to mention.

I was a child of the nineteen sixties, and because I was not mentally *** nobody guessed I was autistic.  For decades I just thought my social awkwardness and loner, nerdy attitude were because I was "very shy".  I was lucky in that my parents and family were and have been extremely supportive.  

However, your question about the most important things parents should know is that their AS child is as valuable to society as anybody, and perhaps more so, given that so many of us are extemely bright and can aspire to high academic achievement, if NT society as a whole would just be a little bit more tolerant of our idiosyncracies.  

Accept your child for who they are, celebrate their differences and acknowledge their successes, as you would for an NT child.  Children need acceptance and will learn to like themselves if they get it from those they love.  

Oh, and please DON'T believe that guff you hear about us not being able to love.  We do, we just express it differently to how NTs would like to hear it.

Alison

I would like to know what you wish your parents had/hadn't done when you were child regarding your diversity.

Not ignored my suffering from bullying, and done something about it.

What did you really need from them the most?

Something interesting to do, to avoid boredom, a very bright child that doesn't have friends need something to occupy their mind.

What are the most important things that the parents of AS children should know, from an insider's perspective?

That its very hard or impossible to change behaviour, and nagging just makes it very stressful. Unless something is dangerous, any behaviour should be accepted and accomodated.

Keep in mind that your son may excell in certain areas and need help in areas which are different from what you may exspect.  In my case my mother would give me advice on things I didn't need help with and would get upset when I seemed to ignore her attemps at help and would then refuse to help me with the things I did need some help with.  Try to be patent, understanding and not take it personally if your son seems to not want your help with certain things while letting him know your there for him when he does want your help and be ready to try to help him when he does ask for your help.

Also the form of the help which may be helpful could be different.  You may want to ask questions like "how can I help you?" or "what help do you need?" or "what would be helpful to you?" and listen to your son to understand what help is needed rather jumping to conclusions on what help is needed.

Encourage open dialogs,  encourage appresiation for himself and other people. Encourage himself to see the best in himself and other people.  Encourage him to encourage himself and do the best he can do in whatever he enjoys doing and not to accept failure or attemps to limit him.

I guess thats enough for now...

Wow. I think it's amazing that you've posted that. I wish my parents had thought like that.

The thing I really wish they'd done is be on my side. When it was me against the world to side with me rather than the world. So when I was acting "oddly", not to react as everyone else did (derision, anger, isolation) but to be on my side.

There's very few safe places for an autie in the world as it is - if you, as a parent, can be a safe place for your kid then that is a wonderful and powerful thing to do.

My parents gave me what I needed the most, which was a safe space to develop naturally and be myself.

They never told me anything about autism, which was both good and bad.  The positive side was that I grew up with a very broad view of normal human diversity, but the downside was that I was very vulnerable to discrimination because I did not learn how to "pass" and did not understand that other people perceived my voice, etc., as abnormal.  I sometimes thought people were prejudiced against me for being a woman, having a regional accent from another part of the country, or some other cause.

It was a huge shock when I became aware (only a few years ago) that there were millions of people like me worldwide who were being treated like garbage.  That's when I got involved in advocacy.

The thing I needed most was love with no strings attached.

As an insider: Things might be different than they look like - ask, observe and try to find out.

Try not to assume too much. Your feelings on a subject might be very different. And let you daughter have the time she needs to devellop. That does not mean you got to sit down and wait if she learns something, but don't put too much pressure on her.

And explain the world to her and the people and their reactions. Why is someone sad or happy or astonished - what are all those difficult feelings about?

But, as every aspie is different, my wishes for myself might not fit the needs of your daughter - so watch her and find out what helps her and what not.

Good luck
Sibylle