Aspies For Freedom

Hello!  I am male, gay, NT, and working towards a close relationship with an AS partner.  I fell in love with him for his straightforwardness and similar interests in music, humor, and gaming.  I wanted to throw my two cents in the discussion because, even though I knew he had AS, I still wasn't fully prepared for what that meant.

First of all, he lives in the UK and I live on the west coast in the US.  We haven't had a chance to meet yet, and have interacted only online.  Normally, we just chat in IMs, but we have spoken occasionally in Skype and used video from time to time.

When we first started "dating" online, he was very close and affectionate, with lots of descriptive text and suggestion expressing a loving bond between us.  Then, right about the time we decided "let's be a couple", this ended and things became almost civil, like just good friends.  I was extremely confused, and worried, that I had done something wrong to warrant his being hesitant to continue the closeness.  I stopped being close myself, thinking that perhaps it made him uncomfortable (which is something I did not want to do) and wondered if maybe he was no longer interested.  I finally came right out and asked "Do you still like being a couple?" and got an instant "Of course!" reply back.

Still confused, I went online looking for advice, and ended up with Ms. Aston's "Aspergers in Love" book.  I'm really glad I got it, because it never occurred to me that once we were partnered as we are, he might see the need to be "courting" anymore.  Armed with this new knowledge, I reassured him that I still cared very deeply for him and that I was sorry I hadn't expressed it more often.  This was well received.

I have noticed that I cannot get him to tell me how he feels about me, because it appears to make him uncomfortable.  The times we have been in voice in Skype, I am very careful not to mention relationship issues, because it makes him very awkward and uncomfortable.  Even using text to talk about our relationship causes him to get very quiet.  I understand now that he may just not know how to express it.  I do wish I had some way of being sure that he cares about me as deeply as I for him.  Is there any other way I could discover this, without making him feel uncomfortable?  I trust what he tells me about wanting to be partnered, because I now see that he most likely sees no reason to tell those "white lies" that NT folks do to try and make others feel better.  Still, I wish I had better confirmation of his feelings.  I hope there's some advice you all could give me.

In November, I hope to travel to the UK to visit him in person, and hopefully over the course of a week will be able to tell if we belong together.  If it looks like we do, I start making plans to move my life from the US to the UK.  That's a very big step for me, and I wish I was more positive about our relationship, to know if it will be okay.

Will it be easier to tell his feelings for me in person, when we finally meet?  How can I be sure how he feels?  I have a strong desire to be close in a relationship: cuddling, etc.  I know he has had a previous boyfriend, and he has talked about the closeness they shared, so I think he is comfortable with it.  If I want to be close but are concerned he might not want to be, because of being uncomfortable, should I just come right out and ask "Is it okay if I do this?" and things along that line?

Anyway, I hope this makes sense...  I'm very much in love, and at times I am worried  that I could end up suffering heartbreak due to miscommunication.

Also, for those who have read it, what do you think about Aston's book I mentioned?  I have found it to be a little daunting at times, but I feel my love is strong enough to accept the extra attention that I might need to give to help the relationship work.

Oh yes, it's very difficult to tell at the moment.  We know we both want a long term relationship, and are comfortable with each other online.  What we don't know is if it will work in person.  A visit will help decide that, I'm hoping.  I also hope I'll be able to talk to him about it.  Will he be able to tell me what he wants in a relationship?  And will he want to provide the things I am looking for too?  

Ah, good idea, thanks!  Now that I think of it, my same questions could be true of any couple... Don't know why I was thinking of only same sex ones.

Thanks EvilZakkie, this sounds like exactly what's happening!  We do have fun, a lot of it, when we're visiting online, but it's just no longer close and love-oriented as it used to be.

Well, sometimes I just feel moved to say how I feel about him...  I've told him about liking to do this, but I hope by doing so I'm not annoying him with it.   From what I've read, he would tell me flat out if it was annoying him...?

Thanks for the replies, everyone... And thanks, earthmonkey, for your story too!  I only hope when we do meet I can remember all this so I don't get the wrong signal, or him from me.  I always try to follow the platinum rule, where you do unto others as they would have you do unto them.  Once I know what they would have me do, anyway...  I hope he'll be able to tell me.

Actually, although I truly enjoy being close with someone now, it's a recent thing, as of this year.  Before that, I could accept quick hugs and handshakes but nothing more.  My family wasn't physical as I grew up (no hugs or kisses, etc) except for my father who would delight in sneaking up behind me and tickling me.  I guess it made me a little jumpy, and even now I get a little freaked out when someone touches me and I don't expect it.

I'll try to post something in the "Aspie/NT long-distance Relationship" too in a little while.  Thanks again Max!

--JC

Great, more gay talk...

Why do the religious nuts hate them?  What did they do to them?

Aspiedr - your writings assume too much.  I find it offensive that you assume that a male aspie is rarely capable of a mature relationship and is not capable of understanding the emotional needs of a female partner.  If they can't understand the emotional needs of a female partner, I don't see how they can understand the emotional needs of a male partner.  Understanding someone in a relationship requires communication, trust and the ability to work on the relationship when it has problems.  That is required for both sexes...  

Also there are actually plenty of differences amongst males to negate the idea of there being 'a way' to understand males and 'a way' to understand females.  There is only a way to understand individuals and that is communication and open-ness.  For the record, my partner and I are both Aspie and we have a good relationship. Sure, we have problems, but communication is the key to any relationship.

I don't agree that men and women don't have much in common.  Some of the people who have understood me best in my life have been and are men.  People are individuals - remember that.  There is a 'normal' heterosexual male culture that involves drinking, watching football and oogling women, but there are men who don't fit into this culture.  The homosexual male culture seems to require social skills from what I've noticed.  I would think it would be difficult for Aspie males in that regard... If you go out to homosexual clubs, then you are expected to dance and also to be able to talk, if you meet on the internet, there is also the talking and having a connection with the other person thing... without the internet or homosexual clubs though, you probably would have a worse problem in being able to find someone in a culture where it is still more acceptable to be heterosexual...

Also, it is a commonly accepted idea it seems in male culture that women are hard to understand. I believe this comes from the idea that men and women are so different and that they each have their ways of acting because they are a woman or because they are a man.  But there is no way set way for acting and being because of gender.  Try asking a woman questions about herself and listening to her answers, watch her body language to see what she is feeling (there is open body language and closed body language)... Understanding anyone takes effort and ALL relationships take effort, because we are all different people and act differently.  But separating the genders into personalities or saying one gender is impossible to understand is a sure way to have a relationship fail, because it means that you are not going to try to understand the other person based on who they are.

Also - aspiedr is a troll, please ignore him.  His posts are meant to insult.

It seems like you're only looking at this from your difficulties with women.  So from the other side of the fence, as an AS woman, I can tell you that social skills ARE important for a woman as well.  What you are referring to as judging someone purely based on looks are the people who are only looking for one-night stands and not relationships.  Sure there are plenty of them.  But if you want a relationship, social skills are very important... people want someone that their friends and family will like and who will not embarrass them.  This goes for both genders.

You really need to read this thread http://www.aspiesforfreedom.com/showthre...?tid=11318 that has Aspie women talking about men being attracted to them and then trying to change them from being so weird, wearing the wrong thing, being too excitable etc etc.  You obviously are only talking about NT women here and finding it difficult to understand them... That is probably because they are social types.  I struggle with those kinds of people too.

What you are talking about are behaviors that are learned and not innate to the particular gender.  They are learned in order to fit in.  But that certainly does mean that all people of a certain gender will act a certain way, because not everybody has the same impulses to fit in.

However, what I must point out is difficulty talking to someone you are attracted to is entirely separate to not understanding another gender.  This is more to do with shyness and not knowing what to say and being nervous... I've had these troubles with men I've been attracted to as well.

In the abortion thread, you said "Abortion is murder" - a direct quote.

In the post in this thread, you said "I would not stop someone from <being homosexual>... their choice, but I don't agree with it." - implying that you believe homosexuality is immoral.

In the "Aspies and Autism" thread, you said "Don't say "If we stand together, we will prevail" or any of that crap, we are talking about people who rip their clothes off and smear poop... who can not talk, people who are seriously DISABLED." - fairly straightforward.

You've now amended this to say you were talking about LFAs, so I'll amend my statement - You believe that abortion is murder, homosexuality is immoral, LFA's run around naked smearing poop.

I don't wish to give people a false impression of you, and I will be happy to offer an apology if you now say "Abortion is not murder, there is nothing wrong with a homosexual lifestyle, and most LFA's do not run around naked smearing poop on the walls".

Otherwise, no word twisting required.

Fair enough then - I apologise for stating things as bluntly as I did. At the time, it simply seemed to me to be what you were saying - any one of the three I could have debated, but all three at once just had me throw up my hands, so to speak.

*grins* Point taken - I don't see too many unreasonable people on the site, so it's easy to forget that some are ignorable.

I second this.

To LogicalConclusion: On the abortion thread, have a look at some of Tiggers comments. She's quite happy to stand her ground on issues that are important to her, but at the same time, she's mindful of the emotionally volatile nature of sensitive debates, she engages with the people that respond to her rather than attacking them, and she raises points without using overly emotive language. This is why her posts are considered carefully, while yours are dismissed.

*grins* No probs - You must be insomniacing too...

By now I've pretty much realised that he actually here for the purposes of finding people he can yell at. I don't think he's interested in debating in a real sense - no-one could be quite so stupid as to "accidentally" offend everyone on the site in the way he has.