I'm also a Gay Aspie and have had problems in the dating scene that all relate in the end to my AS because my partner's have not been able to understand and/or they can't cope with it.
However, at the same time... I am still as proud as I am to be an Aspie just as proud as I am to be Gay, and if someone can't handle my AS...
That's their problem because the AS is who I am and I refuse to be someone who I'm not.
I am straight, I like women. I really like them. Just it seems that I have very bad luck, or am really illiterate in this aspect.
I am 26 and have had just 3 girlfriends. Never had sex, although I would like to, someday.
I finished the relationship with my first, just because I didnt feel like going to visit her... I prefered to stay at home. So, one day I telephoned her and put an end to the relationship. Its weird and stupid, but at the time I felt it as the right thing to do. (1 month)
My second girlfriend was a really good kisser. we just kissed once. Then she went on vacations and qhen she returned things were very different. She did not speak to me... she seemed distant. We where in the same classroom. So I told her that the best thing was to end the relationship and she was ok. (3months)
My third girlfriend had a terrible character. But somehow, I cope with all her bulling and eventually she began to treat me fine. I had a lot of kisses and hugs with her. But one day, I just felt bad about the relationship. So i decided to write down in a paper everything I thought about the subject. All I remembered about the things she had done to me, her thoughts about religion, politics; the way her family treated me, etc.
At the end I read all that and frightened myself... So I talked to her and told her that I did not loved her anymore.. I have not seen her in 1.5 years. although I might miss her a little bit.
Is this normal?
I am reading all this and I think that I am very bad person and shouldnt date anymore.
Would you qualify me as asexual or just a very dummy straight?
I forgot to say that my last relation lasted for 2.5 years, it was quite a record. I had a lot of troubles during the relationship. She kept being disgusted if I did not dated her more than once in a week. She was jealous of my computer. And a lot more, I just have forgotten. But I managed to see her twice a week, and then as we did some social work together I just somehow got used to see her daily and at the end dated her three times a week. I never talked to much on the phone with her, and couldnt convince her to open an account on messenger or anything related so we could chat.
At the end I was really adapted to see her around, as It feels when anybody of my family is around. I did not feel stresses or anything.
But then I had to write it all down... By writing it down I saw a general picture of herself and decided that I did not wanted to be with her... even though sometimes I feel as if i did wrong. Argghhhh!!! Also I think that it will be very difficult to find another one and make her accept me....
By seeing all this I that you may see that sometimes I just think too much about me and tend to neglect others feelings.
Ziyaret have you ever seen a question like this on an Aspie quiz:
"I can be rude, tactless, or unaware that others may be bothered by what I say"
If so, you may want to take heed and adjust your responses appropriately. I found learning to apply a little bit of tact, here and there, is not really that difficult. If you've read my posts you can see that I (like you) can sometimes be blunt, and find little need to inhibit a knee-jerk angry response. I can be a firy, stubborn bastard.
However, it seems to be you who are offending more people on this board. I suggest you clean up your image for your own sake.
as some idiot always says when anyone posts off topic, "BIRDWALK"
Who said that before? I don't remember.
Why would you want to hang around an un-salubrious place such as that, Ziyaret.
BTW, what country do you live in? I think you would find that the USA actually has quite a low birthrate like nearly all other Western countries.
In fact, in some of the Western countries, there is a negative birthrate and that is why the governments are doing things such as paying a baby bonus to people to encourage them to have more children.
You can thank contraception for all this.
You can thank contraception for all this.
We certainly need more people in the world (in fact how about the whole world now, since the whole Western civ basically "subscribes" without thinking.. mindlessness) to agree that contraception is like brushing your teeth or remembering to put on socks, something we do every day without having to think about any conceivable factor below the surface.
How about the new "chewable contraceptive pill" ads (factual in the US, where I live)... next thing you know they might as well sell Gummi Bear contraceptive chews.
I hope I'm not seen as sexist... wary of "reproductive techonology" more like it. And annoyed by the incessantly mindless state of consciousness more characteristic of NTs than those with AS. Not saying such a state doesn't have its virtues; indeed it would be nice if I could socialize in a group while having the entire detailed list of things to do today, tomorrow, and six weeks from now being perfectly juggled somewhere in my brain AT THE SAME TIME.. but..
aargh. They just DON'T THINK!!!
Such a graphic description. You've obviously given it a lot of vivid thought to it.
I think you'll be disappointed when you start having sex with men, Ziyaret -- you'll discover they are no more interested in a relationship with you than women have been. It's not about gender or orientation. It's not about the women you call sluts or the men you call faggots. It's about you.
Is it even conceivable that you two guys could shake hands and apologize for wrongdoing to one another, to reduce the flame-throwing?
Why would you want to hang around an un-salubrious place such as that, Ziyaret.
BTW, what country do you live in? I think you would find that the USA actually has quite a low birthrate like nearly all other Western countries.
In fact, in some of the Western countries, there is a negative birthrate and that is why the governments are doing things such as paying a baby bonus to people to encourage them to have more children.
You can thank contraception for all this.
Yes, we have a very contraceptive minded society these days.
It's a fact though that most people wouldn't want to go back to the time when a woman had another baby every year or so and her health was often wrecked by the time she was 40.
Plus, it has now got so expensive to raise children and they find it harder to get work without an extensive education.
I don't know of any other answers besides the kinds of financial incentives some governments are giving for people to have more children.
I'm sure there's plenty of upsides to contraception, there's already overpopulation and it seems better to be able to control fertilization than not (a novel concept and empowering to women in many ways), and so on, but what people seem to forget is that contraception is not perfect and also that it has undeniably caused a crapload of problems. Subsequently, people don't attribute any of these problems to contraception... what I say is that mindless NTism is behind this. In this way: Everyone uses it (contraception), no one else thinks about it, therefore what "dirt" could possibly exist beneath the surface? Answer: none.
I know better. Personally in the days before AIDs I believe contraception led to a "free-for-all" attitude about sex that spread several more benign STDs around. An uglier problem now is that when/if contraception is used incorrectly, and fertilization happens, we of course have the moral dilemma of abortion and the horrifying "process" of certain abortion procedures which has me feel so repulsed I have almost vomited just by thinking about it.
And for those men and women who complain about porn (hardcore porn and in many ways, also the softer variety) you also have contraception to blame for that, largely. I am aware that pornography existed before "the pill" and so on, but that's a moot point when you think about it.
Contraception for everyone, every day, everywhere. Aldous Huxley was right, is all I have to say.
No, I havent got anything against white people having more babies. BUT, Im not overly concerned at this point that the white race is under threat of extinction. I dont particularly tie my indentity to being "white" nor do I think that whites should be the dominate racial group in terms of shear numbers.
I do worry about my people though... the Italians. They apparently have the lowest birthrate in Europe and this has been going on for a while now, not to mention the influx of other ethnic groups moving into Italy en masse. I am not against other groups coming into Italy, I am not racist or anything, but then again I think Italy should have enough of its own people, as well.
What are we going to do to solve this conundrum; and what could be causing such a low birthrate?
In a recent study, it was shown that over 90% of males with AS will have had at least one homosexual relationship before reaching the age of 30. The study supports previous studies which showed that aspies know sexuality only as it has been shown and taught to them by society. In other words, left without sexual guidance, a vast majority of male aspies would be homosexual.
Partners of aspies might be well served to pay attention to close male friends with whom the male aspie may be having an emotional, if not sexual relationship. Although many factors are believed to result in homosexuality, for a male aspie, it could be nearly impossible to ever fully understand the dynamics of a heterosexual relationship as they more than likely do not understand the emotional needs of a female partner.
In most cases, the only close, long term relationships a male aspie may have had would be with other men. Were a female partner of an aspie to look closely, she would more often than not find a very close male friend of the aspie. Although not always sexual, the male friend would tend to offer a potentially better match for the aspie as the male aspie has what has been described as the "ultimate male brain." With that brain, the male aspie is almost completely unable to fully understand and develop a full relationship with a woman.
As has previously been learned, aspies, especially male aspies, are rarely capable of mature relationships. In most cases, the relationships take on the patterns of what NT's would have experienced in their teens. Many female partners of male aspies believe that unwavering support of their aspie partner will foster a loving and caring relationship. Unfortunately, in most cases, the aspie is merely "play acting" what he believes he should offer his partner. His actions are more often than not carefully contrived actions designed to express feelings that he does not actually feel.
Sadly, the study has shown that most male aspies partner as an avoidance of being alone and to conform to societal norms. If the male aspie creates even minor concerns in his partner about his full involvement (loses interest in her needs and interests, obsesses about his own interests, etc), it is highly likely that he is in actuality homosexual and following guide posts to creating the illusion of a full relationship.
In conclusion, unfortunately, the study has shown that partners of such male aspies are highly likely to feel unfulfilled in their quest to partner with the aspie. Once the novelty of the relationship ends and the harder task of maintaining the relationship begins, the male aspie will falter as he is unable to be the partner she would want.
Women partnered to male aspies should be especially concerned were the male aspie frequently discuss a future with children as that is often an indicator of their belief that a child will deliver unconditional love. Similarly, the female should be careful in offering "unconditional love". She should, in fact, ask the tough questions of her male partner. If his answers are not direct and prompt, they are most likely responses designed to obtain a desired response and companionship.
Does anyone know if Jean-Pierre is fond of sock puppets....?
Is the suggestion here that if you're AS, male, and heterosexual... and you have lots of trouble connecting with women... you should "try out" the other side, simply because it's easier to find a partner?
As far as I can tell, Jean-Pierre/aspiedr is saying this... Tong_Duurai, don't tell me you, as well, think this is a novel idea?
Yes of course I have lots of difficulty with communication toward the opposite sex, but I am not homosexual. And, I don't feel I've just taken the "heterosexual identity" because Aspies tend to mimic cultural expectations... I've taken it because I'm attracted to women, and have been, noticeably, since at least age 15.
I would not claim to be 100% straight, however, like an alpha-male NT would. Nobody is really "100%" straight... but still... my natural attraction much prefers women, and I wouldn't just go in the other direction because "it's the easier way."
I like Tim's policy of just keeping the doors open for possibilities. Don't live in a binary world of either straight or gay. I just think sexuality is alot more complex than that. We connect with a variety of people and sometimes that can manifest in a sexual way or just platonic which is equally satisfying. He seems a lot more healthy psychologically than the world out there...............he refuses to live by biases and labels.
Er, well, some labels are quite useful... for instance, I find the Asperger label to be exceptionally useful for me, it helped me find the identity I seemed to lack for the first 25 years of life...
logicalconclusion,
I see that some of your words are not appreciated here, and this is not coming at the best time--you're a new member, and I'm guessing you don't want to get off on the wrong foot, here.
Use discretion, apologize to those offended, look around a bit... whatever it takes. See, I had a response very similar to Zakkie's. Some of the things you said are quite contrary to what AFF represents, and you can't be expecting us to just sit there and say nothing.
I'll respect you all if you can respect my position.
Asperger's and homosexuality are two separate syndromes. It may cause a level of uncomfortability when one is not homosexual and is classed as being such solely on the basis of a disability, mainly that being Asperger's itself.
This is not to cloud the issue of Asperger's with homophobia, but rather to protect the Aspies from an incorrect categorical label much as I would not like to be called a "playboy" simply because I am single. { I do not wish to further construe that "all homosexuals are promiscuous" which from general knowledge alone is not the case }
Yet, I find both of these incorrect labels to be of concern in my own case, as I am sure that others surely must.
I know what you're saying, Saint. I've had people in the past think/say I was gay because of unusual social behavior.
My father, who I believe has some form of AS, has treated my mother's brother (my uncle) poorly for most of his life. I believe my uncle has full-fledged AS and exhibits "meekness and oversensitive" traits (much like I do.) He's had a girlfriend before, but never married or had kids. Because my uncle is incredibly meek and never married, my father leaps to the "gay hypothesis," apparently my father does not like gays. He's said to me before "gays are very strange people," a few times. I didn't approve of his statement then, nor do I now.
Both my brother and I have AS and haven't done anything with the opposite sex, obviously because of communication problems and cultural expectations that don't match with our disposition. I overheard my father once talking about my 30 year old brother (who's never dated anyone, AFAIK), linking him to my uncle, saying something like "The queerness is in the blood, it runs in families." I was very bothered by this.
Lately my father has been criticizing my uncle several times a week. Just today I was offended again by what my father was saying about my mother's brother (she ended up crying afterwards), something like "I heard he was taking hormones when he was younger, maybe that's why he's so strange," etc. Asking my mother about it, apparently there's no truth to that statement, my father is just repeating old rumors for the sake of being mean.
It worries me for a few reasons. First of all both my brother and I have the same executive funtion deficit/communication problems that my uncle has; secondly, with this paranoid claim that he was taking hormones when he was younger, is there perhaps some "dark secret" I haven't been told?
Anyhow, the gist of it is, my father is confusing AS with homosexuality, and I don't like that he does that. My uncle is clearly impaired in ways that match up with Asperger's. My father's AS personality, on the other hand, reminds me of Yetti... (highly critical, blunt, and mean-spirited.)