Aspies For Freedom

I used to think my oddness was down to being gay. So did other people. I only worked out my aspergers in the last few years.The fact that i am attracted  to others of the same sex was/is a coincidence. I was initially attracted to outgoing very camp gay people. I found them amusing and unusual. A bit like myself. However i do find them a bit wearisome now - with all that attention  seeking.
I also didn't think it helped me relate to the wider world. Aspies so often don't get the mannerisms of our contemporaries.The very things that we need to fit in with our work coleagues neigbours in every day life. I like a range of people but feel more comfortable  being around with ordinary looking guys.

Gay and Aspie?

That's my boyfriend, Erich -- the happiest relationship I've ever had.

"that one-girl letter-writing crusade I went on against Pat Robertson..."

LOL! I don't think that's just a gay thing. I think pretty much everybody has figured out how crazy that old coot is.

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Pat_Robertson

"Not gay but not very blokey. I have no affinity with ... things blokey blokes get into."

ROTFLMAO! "Blokey blokes"!! That's hilarious; I never heard that before. (I'm American)

"Blokey" = "Stereotypically masculine"? We would maybe say "butch" or "macho"

Love it. I'm adding that to my vocabulary.

Great! I know "yobbo", always liked that one.  -- what's an "ocker"?

So am I better off emailing him tomorrow, or speaking to him on Wednesday (or Monday if he's not there)?  

=== Talk to him. E-mailing may freak him out -- you know "How did you know my name? Why are you e-mailing me?" He might feel "stalked."

And what should I say?  == Just say "Hey, were'nt you in my ______ class last semester? We're taking a lot of the same classes. What's your major? Have you taken _______ yet?

Keep it about classes and non-personal stuff at first. See if he's responsive. Who knows, you may not even like his personality after you talk to him. Right now it's just hormones...


Should I outright tell him about my crush? == NO NO NO NO NO. Most guys are prety *** and reactionary about gay stuff. Don't lead with "I want to jump on you."

should I try to befriend him first (which is going to be kinda awkward, since I don't have the greatest social skills, particularly around outgoing, attractive guys like him).

=== yeah *sigh* that's the rough part. But don't rush it. First just be some guy he knows in class. Let things happen slowly, if they happen at all. It would be a mistake to make rash assumptions.

The built-in problem is that Asperger's often makes it particularly hard to pick up on the little subtle "is he or isn't he gay?" signals.

g o   s l o w l y

" I don't agree with making assumptions or making friends on the basis of sexual feeling when that is in doubt. It would be better to persue someone who is openly gay "

That's a very odd post, Michael.

What do you mean by "persue someone who is openly gay"? Richard doesn't know the guy, so how would he know if the guy is gay? Would he be wearing a dress, or an "I'M GAY" t-shirt?

People try to meet people all the time because they are sexually attracted. Straight people do it. I've had women get friendly with me because they were attracted -- should they restrict their flirting to men who are "openly straight"? What would THAT look like?

"if I was the guy concerned this is how I would react."

And that might be how Dan would react, too. Or it might not. My point is that ALL people act on a set of assumptions and on a set of possibilities when they are attracted to someone. And we get to know them in order to test those assumptions and explore the possibilities. If you don't take the step, you remain paralyzed and miss the opportunity. Straight people are usually quite open about communicating their attractions. gay people have the same right.

It is not an insult for someone to think you're gay, nor is it an insult for someone to think you're straight. It's not wrong for someone to want to get to know you because they feel an attraction to you.

I'm not insulted when women think I'm straight. If I sense they are trying to initiate a sexual relationship, I casually mention something that indicates that I'm gay. If she persists after I make it clear that I'm gay, then I have to be more direct. "You realize i'm gay, right?" I'm totally open to friendships with women, but i do want them to understand that I'm gay and not interested in them sexually.

RichardL, you do need to pay attention to signals from Dan or Chris as to their sexuality. They will probably say something to indicate they are straight or, if they sense you're "interested" they may drop a hint that they're gay. I know that all this "hinting" and "sensing" is very NT and can be very frustrating or confusing for Aspies, but it's the eay the game is played . I hate the game, but it is what it is.

One very important question: RichardL, how "out" are you? Do people realize you're gay? Are you comfortable telling them? If not, the guessing game could go on forever.

"I suspect that Chris may be straight, since he was sitting with two girls when I approached them. "

== On the other hand, gay guys usually seem to have female friends. Straight guys tend to socialize with other guys unless it's with a girlfriend.

"So what if it creeps them out that I'm gay?  If that's the case then I'm really not sure I want to be friends with them."

== I totally, totally, totally agree. When someone says "but if I come out, I'll lose my friends" I always think, "You can't lose your friends, you can only lose bigots and assholes."

Oh, there's lots of us out there.  I was one of the first "out" on the Net, back in 1995 (at the time I knew no one else who was gay and Aspie, so I decided to put something up on the web).  Anyway, it has since been determined that there seems to be a higher percentage of gay people among the Aspie community, than in the general population.

As for the rest of the gay community, I don't follow the stereotypes (surprise surprise!), and I decide who I associate with.  Got a reasonable circle of friends from various walks of life, which is fine by me.  I've also got a partner, who happens to be Aspie as well, which suits me.  My previous partner was NT, and we had some communication issues from time to time, despite a close relationship of almost 14 years.  Unfortunately, he passed away in 2005 from cancer. :-(

There is a Yahoo group for GLBT Aspies, if you're interested.  Just drop me a note.

Well, don't be disheartened by not being able to meet people in a club.  Clubs in my experience are the WORST places to meet people for Aspies, precisely because of the eye and mind games that are employed there.  However, there are plenty of places to meet people.  The Internet is a mixed bag.  The dating sites tend to be "meat markets" - OK to pick up a one night stand, if you are careful, but not the best place to meet anything more serious (that said, I did meet my partner in a chat room associated with one of the major dating sites, so there are exceptions to the rule).  My first partner was a friend of a friend of a guy I happened to chance upon on CB radio.

For me, I tend to meet other gay people most often in the general community.  I have a wide variety of interests (hobby and sporting), and I am in various clubs associated with those interests.  I have met gay people by chance through those clubs.  Eventually someone works me out or vice versa.  Similarly, Internet chat rooms and forums/mailing lists that are based on hobby interests can be a good place to meet people as well. One thing that I do notice is that my two partners both turned up when I was not really looking for someone and was just getting on with life and mixing with people either online or in real life.

More recently, I have joined hobby groups specifically for gay people such as Melbourne Frontrunners, a gay running club, and the Rainbow Amateur Radio Association, a club for gay radio hams (two of my interests).

Anyway, just a few thoughts on my life's experiences.

I'm beginning to think that I'm gay (I'm aspie, btw), but I'm not sure about what to do. The reason I think I'm gay is because I tend to talk to women and girls like friends do (certainly not flirting with them) and although I've had the odd crush on a girl, it was more for what they were like rather than how they looked. The main reason for my thinking I'm gay though is, through all this, I seem to be "turned on" (or attracted to) pictures of topless men (like those you see in shops with males modeling shorts, etc.).
   I'm worried to talk about it though, because I'm not sure how my parents and related family will react. Plus I have no idea what to do about looking for that "someone".

Any help/ advice?

Well, Max, I guess the answer is still yes, as I am still dependant on my parents. Fortunately both took this rather well. Although christian, neither my dad or mum seem to be "homophobic" - they're just a tad uncertain, since none of us has had past experiance with gays. My brotther's probably still clueless, not that it makes much difference....

Just  bit of a update onthings. Now in addion to myarents, my brother, Nan, and a few good friend now know that I'm gay (thre's no question of it to me now - where the nude babe pis on sme mgs digust me, topless hunk pics I just go 'wow' over). Aide from the iitil surprise to them, they're perfetly OK with, except for (unfortunately) my brother, Chris, who'd obviously prefer I was anything but gay. No problems have arison from it (especially since I'm not seeing anyone - strange that only my Nan asked if I had a "special friend"), and I hope that, in time, he'll get over his phobia.

*Applauds Mark*

Thank you Mark, I totally agree with you here, a persons private life is their business, no one else should poke at it unless that person specifiaclly WANTS someone else to know about it. And yes, people should not try a pressure someone into doing or thinking something, that's just WRONG.

Oh, btw, is anyone here living at/around Chelmsford? If so, you might want to check this site out : http://www.essexgaymen.org.uk/ - It's about a social gathering for Gay and Bisexual men in the Chelmsford and Maldon areas.