Aspies For Freedom

It took me a few decades but when I was trying to figure out where my son got his aspergers I started realizing that my mother always seemed a bit different but it wasn't until recently that I concluded what would be obvious to someone familiar with Aspergers.

Imagine being raised by your child with Aspergers. I can tell you what that's like. My mother just couldn't connect with us. I thought it was a generation gap. My mother couldn't listen to us pour our hearts out. She couldn't hug us. Tell us she loved us. She had seven kids and I could never understand how it was that she had so many if she seemed to keep them at arms length.

We'd walk into the kitchen and ask her a question and she'd start saying her recipe aloud so she wouldn't get confused and mess up the meal. It meant "Leave the room." when she did that. So we'd stop talking and walk out.

When we did things that would upset any of our friend's moms had they been our mother, my mother would not get upset. She'd seem to just go inward. She never reacted outwardly.

I never saw my parents fight. They never argued behind closed doors. They discussed their differences if they had any.

I spent my 20s, 30s and 40s trying to figure out how to act in social situations. How I was supposed to respond if someone had good news, bad news, tragic news. How I was supposed to react at a baby shower, bridal shower, wedding reception, birthday party. In a group. On the phone.

It was all trial and error. Lots of error. And lots of anxiety.

It was good that your mother didn't react outwardly; maybe when she was younger people did that. But it must have been confusing for the children.

What was her own childhood like? How did she learn about social behaviour?

And how did she get along with your father? Did you all have the same father? (I'm sorry if this was rude.) She and he must have got along really well, emotionally, socially and sexually. It reminds me of something Lorna Wing said, and it was written by a man who had a son called G. It's on the OASIS website if you'd like to have a look.

Nice to meet you, I hope you get what you're looking for here.

I'm sure she did love you even if she couldn't show it. And she loved your brothers and sisters.

Did you end up acting like her and then you got into trouble for it because other people didn't understand?

Are any of your brothers and sisters on the spectrum or have the broader phenotype?

Hi aspiedaughter, are you saying you are an aspie yourself too? Or do you think that your mom was, it skipped a generation, then your child has it.

If you didn't know what to do in social situations in your 20s and so on, maybe its because you have (at least) aspie traits.

I have never heard of a perfect parent, your mom would have said the recipe out loud to help her concentrate, I do that, otherwise I lose my concentration and get mixed up. Its a logical thing to do.

Not being told that you were loved would not be nice, but it doesn't sound as if she was intentionally being neglectful. Also having 7 kids is a LOT of work on its own.