I seem to lack the ability to mask my feelings. Or even worse, I have this tendency to amplify my feelings through my facial expressions no matter how hard I try to contain them. When I talk with my daughter and am passionate about the advise I give her she thinks I'm angry when nothing could be further from the truth. My wife too. My boss too. My friends too. Strangers too. My dogs too. The stranger at the ticket counter at the airport too.
It seems that I wear my heart not on my sleeve but instead on my face. Passion or excitement always come across as anger or frustration.
How do we change this?
You can say with words what your emotions are: I am very happy, sad, excited etc.
I wish more nts would do that. I can not always tell people's emotions from their tone of voice, facial expression or hidden meanings. If they would just tell me "I was angry that you did this......" or whatever. Alot of times I think my husband is angry with me but really he is angry about something else or just tired. Sometimes I ask him how he is feeling.
Non-verbal communication is verbal or written communication. You can not practice in front of mirror unless you know those emotions on other people's faces.
Yes, I do that. But it seems my facial expression overrules the words coming out of my mouth. For instance:
My daughter asked me to proof a history paper. I did and had some constructive coments about structure and some ideas about how she could make it more interesting. I was excited to be helping her because (a) she does not often ask, and (b) the topic is one dear to my heart. I am and avid reader and thirsty sponge of all things civil war. Well, she mistook my passion and glee to help for anger and frustration.....I can't figure it out. As she stormed away I beseeched her to stay, that I was not upset in any way, just wanted to give her some help...she would hear nothing of it and so I took it as a failure to communicate on my part.
This is not isolated. It happens to me alot. I have started taking the approach of warning people I talk with to not give my facial expression much consideration, but that seems to just draw them to it even more.
Tough nut to crack.
Thats interesting, I think I am the opposite. I must have a blank/sad expression a lot as people used to give me the line 'whats wrong/cheer up it might never happen'.
bruisedorange, I know that you mean. The facial expressions I do tend to fall into naturally are apparently way too intense (or just plain "off") for most NTs to deal with, and as a child and teenager I ran into constant problems because of this. I've learned to mask it a little better, but people still think I'm really alarmed when I think I'm expressing mild concern, or that I'm very angry when I'm just a little frustrated, or that I'm sad when I'm just...normal. It's tough to get around...it's one thing when I know the people closely and can say, "Look, my face doesn't always match up with what I'm actually feeling,", but it's something else entirely at work, or in public, or when I was in school.
One thing that helped me understand better what I was doing that was being misinterpreted was actually in my artist's anatomy book. At the end, there was an appendix showing facial expression as matched up to mood, and often what muscle groups or parts of the face conveyed certain emotions the strongest. I personally found this helpful because it was like having a reference sheet for how most NTs were going to interpret whatever I happened to be doing with my face that was throwing them off.
Thanks Elanivalae. Nice way of looking at this. It seems that the tiniest of muscle movement around the eyes, forehead and mouth speak greater volumes than what comes out of the mouth. I suppose everone can learn to control their environments better by really understanding whats in the back of your artists anatomy book.
But it all seems so involuntary...that I'm not really sure I can control it even if I had the book in hand and the time of the communcation.
OH I was confused. I thought you were talking about an appendix (as in appendicitis) in your anatomy book. I was picturing an appendix with a face.
It seems that I wear my heart not on my sleeve but instead on my face. Passion or excitement always come across as anger or frustration.
This happens to me just the same... you describe it very well.
in careful concentration i've found that i cross the boundary of being extremely chatty or surly, yet trying to just say it,
yet still utterly getting some people into a very strange state,
they gain forked tongues (get mad almost immediately)
and will not cease arguing if i don't make some kind of submission to them.
....why?
doesn't the response always seem a little bit irrational to you?
my impression is that area of the psyche we use for being social and chatty, corresponds to a place that is very private in a Neurotypical individual's psyche (or one that is otherwise twangered when we speak to them a certain way). this to me explains why they do not easily think their way out of the state either. right?
"I can't figure it out. As she stormed away I beseeched her to stay, that I was not upset in any way, just wanted to give her some help...she would hear nothing of it and so I took it as a failure to communicate on my part. "
i see it in your experience, definitely....see, in a situation like this, i would have thought your daughter would have simply grown a little puzzled, move to asking... "Huh? What did you say?"
as in i would expect her to simply not understand you,
rather than completely misinterpret what you'd just said.
in my own situations i also get completely stunned by the person i have offended absolutely denying me when i tell them that I am not upset....
before I thought my partner had aspiesh tendencies, I used to be really baffled by his reactions/non-reactions. In fact, I was really rude once and asked if he had had a really bad face-lift at some time that had left his face immobilised! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
I now say things like "I'm sad/tired, etc, and I need a hug!" to make it obvious, although he doesn't yet do the same to me. I don't think there is anything wrong with "stating the bleeding obvious" because to some people it isn't obvious, and can cause hurt if it isn't said. I have NT family members who also expect other people to be telepathic about their feelings, so I think that saying what you feel/think should be a good thing, not just something you are expected to "read" from expression/body language. I would go with the verbalisation myself. If my partner is not actually smiling, he looks cross/judgemental, and that was very offputting. It's not now. Hope this helps/shares. cheers Capra
I have the "Mona Lisa" smile... My stepfather calls it a "mask"... he gets upset with me because he cannot read me... and he thinks I am making the asperger's stuff up. My mother denies that a doctor gave me a diagnosis at 3... but she is clearly concerned that I will not turn out normal... At 39 it is too late.
Coming to terms with the fact that faces make little sense to me has been freeing.
But....I can read aspies...LOL... the angry face, sad face, blank face... they are all starting points for very amazing and beautiful expressions. I can feel aspie faces... in fact that is how I know I am dealing with an aspie. There are lots and lots of us out there... most will never be diagnosed.
I just don't understand how people can do this stuff automatically - it is so baffling.
Instincts:shock:...[/quote][/code]
Wish I had the answer, BruisedOrange.
I apparently do the same, presenting the visual appearance of an emotion I'm not feeling. But I don't know what it is I do! Usually, I'm assumed to be down or bothered by something, when I'm absolutely not. But in my assurances that I'm fine, I seem to make it even worse.
Oh well.
I'm learning to smile more at people now, but still have a fair amount of trouble in expressing emotions non-verbally. I suppose one advantage though is I have few frown or laughter lines on my face and so look younger than my real age.
In my experience there are very few faults that can't be compensated for by simply acknowledging them and having a good, self-deprecating sense of humor about them.
Example:
--Man, I suck at hiding my emotions, don't I?
--Guess I shouldn't go to acting school after all, should I?
--Start singing the Beatles song "Act Naturally"
That's what I normally do, anyway. Laugh, laugh, laugh.
Remember that while a lot of this stuff really sucks, it's kind of funny and entertaining when we stop and think about it.