Aspies For Freedom

Hi,

I'm new here...

I have been referred to see if I have AS. I have a child with a dx of AS, and a parent with a dx of AS too.

I feel sure that I do have AS, but since my referral my life seems to be imploding :cry:  I feel as though I'm finally creeping towards some degree of self-knowledge, but this has had profound consequences in the rest of my life

My marriage is falling to bits, as I have become painfully aware that I have always internalised everything. I'm also making my dearest friend (who also has AS) unhappy too.

I feel as though my rather sad attempt to be my 'real' self is causing nothing but unhappiness. In my late teens I made a conscious decision to 'pretend to be normal', as I felt so abnormal and dysfunctional (not knowing about AS then) that I felt this was the only way to survive. Now I feel as though the only option I have is to go back to living inside my head, as I am causing so much unhappiness.

Sorry to drone on Has anyone else found the journey to dx and self-awareness this desperate??

Bridie

Not really as I lived with it from childhood. And I was diagnosed professionally. It takes some time to own yourself, though.

I feel sad for you too that your real self seems to be getting in the way.

I think you have to love and accept yourself.

At least you know now who and what you are.

How are you going to repair your relationships in the light of this knowledge and wisdom?

This could be why my father doesn't admit that he has AS.

His social cluelessness is beyond normal even for most AS I know, though he insists that he knows more about social skills (by virtue of having lived longer), than I do.

As long as he denies that he has AS to the point of being unbearable at times, we have to tolerate him based on that fact.

Once he acknowledges it, he has to stop telling us things that we already know in minute detail, stop eating half the food in the house, stop patronizing us for things he does, learn to take criticism (see previous item, he loves doling out unsolicited and irrelevant advice).

That said, I don't see how it could cause him problems similar to what you have to admit it.  His case is perhaps somwhat the opposite of yours.

Aside from that, I've been diagnosed for almost eight years, and I'm still legally a minor, so I don't know.

Bridie you could consider working with a therapist. You will get to know human psychology and yourself much better and help with your relationships

Bridie, the recognition that you have AS can be a shock for some people (even though its not a bad thing it can still be a shock) it does take time to mentally work through it.
You wont feel like this forever if that is any help, as with many things in life it takes a period of time to re-adjust.

What Amy says is true. Initial shock and then things can only get better. Remember you are still who you are :-) even my therapist panicked and freaked out when my diagnosis was done

Bridie,
I'll be honest and write that your post seems rather odd to me. You claim to have a parent, a child and a best friend who are all aspies, and the family aspies are diagnosed to boot. To be completely honest, this strains credibility with me. If your parent was diagnosed formally with AS they must have got this diagnosis as an adult, as AS wasn't a recognised diagnosis when they would have been a child. Getting an AS diagnosis as an adult isn't impossible, but in some regions it's apparently pretty difficult, and uncommon compared to child diagnosis.

You wrote

What do you mean by "internalised everything"? I know when most women use this phrase they mean blaming one's self for bad stuff that is rightly the fault of others. According to gender stereotypes, this kind of self-blaming is a typically feminine behaviour. Just yesterday I heard a man making a joke about this very behaviour in women on the radio. "So much like a woman to assume that it was your fault" he said. This all seems odd to me, as this kind of "internalising" is not a typical aspie behaviour, in fact the aspies who I know IRL tend to do the opposite, stuff up and then blame someone else or blame circumstances or even blame inanimate objects. And not politely, either! Also, aspie behaviours tend not to resemble typical feminine behaviours, as one might expect if autism is "the extreme male brain".

I also find it a bit odd that you suddenly acting like your real self is upsetting your aspie friend. I've never felt the necessity to act NT when I'm with my closest loved ones (who are either autistic or unusual). It seems odd to me that acting like an aspie should bother your aspie friend, as I'd assume that you would both have always felt relaxed in each others' company enough to not put on any acts to begin with.

Hi Lili Marlene,

Well, what can I say?...my parent was diagnosed last year, during assessments for mental health problems. And my child was diagnosed 11 years ago, because I fought and fought at a time when AS was not very well-recognised! Sorry if you find this all hard to believe, but it's the truth.

I shan't post anymore...I had thought I would find support on this site during a hugely difficult time for me, but your reply is so aggressive, I really don't have the emotional energy to justify myself to you or anyone else.

Bridie

Personally I think internalising doesnt mean self blame.

To me it would mean keeping thoughts inside rather than expressing them, like an internal dialogue.

Agreed. I do this as well. I would even smile and look "OK" when actually I am completely falling apart inside and nobody knows.

Bridie, I would not turn to this forum for emotional support, simply because we deserve and owe to ourselves to have professional counseling during difficult times.

Many people, who have problems themselves and who are not qualified to give you support, post here and their subjective views could upset you.

Thats one reason why essentially we aren't a support forum, but we can try and offer some support if people wished to post it.

What is this supposed to like Alcholic Anonymous?  Are we supposed to sit around and admit we have AS and admit we have wronged so many other people because of our AS?  Come ON!  Maybe I have hurt others by some careless comments but I really can not be expected to compensate for my lack of empathy totally.  I have been victimized more often because of my AS.

I refuse to feel guilty because of my AS.  What I need is acceptance more than forgiveness.  I have to accept myself and others who have autism as well.  So that means any autistic relatives too.  Whose family is perfect anyway?  

Why make it your goal in life to make someone else admit they have AS?  Just worry about your own problems and accept that you can not change people.  I do not need people trying to change me or things about my AS.  That is where all this ABA stuff is coming from.  

I am also tired of people just expecting too much from me because I have a high IQ and good education.  Then when I fail, they call me stupid or criticize me from not taking opportunities that I do not realize exist.  I just want a simple job in a safe quiet place which seems too much to ask for.

I just have to try to be the best person with AS that I can be.

After I had been diagnosed it made me certain my past in a different light, but I didnt feel the need to apologise to people.

This is an interesting thought though, if aspies apologise less or more than others.
I will make a poll.

Hear hear!  I quit my job as a conveyancing officer for a law firm because it was too stressful, got my qualifications and moved to my current job because I enjoy looking after kiddies with their unique take on life.  But my husband is always telling me I should get a 'real' job again.  I realise having a class of pre-schoolers is not an exalted position and doesn't get paid very well at all, but I'm (mostly) happier than when I was in the high paid high stress level occupation.  And how come educating pre-schoolers is looked at as a waste, anyhow?  I think it's got to be one of the more important jobs - I'm helping to shape the next generation!

Alison

Bridie,

My reply wasn't aggressive it was honest. I find that neurotypical people often have difficulty telling the difference, because they seldom see examples of pure honesty in their social lives, and seem to assume that comments from others that they don't like must be intentional aggression. I get this kind of reaction all the time from a female NT family member.

You say that you fought and fought for your child's AS diagnosis. Am I supposed to feel sorry for you because of this, or is this supposed to be some kind of evidence for the accuracy of this diagnosis? I'd find a diagnosis more believable if it was the unsolicited and uninfluenced opinion of an experienced clinician with genuine knowledge and expertise. If you seek a professional diagnosis, then you're obliged to accept the professional opinion, regardless or your own opinions.