Aspies For Freedom

I would probably say that if someone looked introspective in a group of people funly chatting, to invite them to say what was on their mind and hopefully worry less about it and have fun with the rest of us.  The chance of their being AS or offended may not occur to me.

The more socially skillful will encourage you to participate by asking your opinion, or some will even try to find something you find more engaging.  These people are few and far between.  

I've had the comment directed at me on more occasions than I can remember.  Generally it made me feel self conscious about it and made me quieter.  

I've also had the 'what's on your mind' comment?  Usually I'm thinking about what people have said, but have trouble sharing half thought out ideas.  Or I may have become distracted by a dent on the table or something.  When this happened I used to pretend that I was thinking some private thought and didn't wish to share, but now I just tell people and they deal with my quirks how they please.

At least you know it's well meant.  That's the main thing.

I'm a NT, but I've been hearing that one all my life too.  

  Some people are fascinated by someone that doesn't say much.   I've found that some people believe that a very quiet person must be very smart.  It's not uncommon for very smart people to be a little socially awkward.  Often, NT that have this belief will try to get a quiet person to start talking because they expect him or her to have something profound to say.  

  I've also found that some people are attracted to quiet people because they find them "mysterious".   If you don't say much, they just get curious about what you are thinking.

I think any suggestion that contains the word "just" is pretty short-sighted.  

It also seems to support an idea I have that theory of mind deficits are just a stereotype of Autism, that everybody assumes everybody else is the same as they are unless shown otherwise.  It's just that most people are similar enough that their assumptions about one another are not quite as jarring as ours are about them, or theirs are about us.  

This is also backed up by the panoply of rediculously false ideas people have had about us, especially the one that goes "We know he has no idea how he feels because he cannot express it."  Which I have actually, in person heard, although not about me.  

Others actually have had the audacity to try and tell me about me, things that don't even have anything to do with my autism (Well, maybe, maybe not.  I have a strong dislike of authority, and that's mostly what they're whining about).  Most of their conclusions are so profoundly stupid it would be funny, were it not so intensely annoying.

I get that sometimes.  It irritates me, and I want to say, "Maybe I'm just listening!", because usually that's the case.  It *really* bugs me when I get it from younger co-workers while at work -- I'm an adult and am more than capable of deciding when I want to state my opinion; why's that so hard for them to understand?

Because I can't. Why NT's never get this no matter what they get told I have no idea...

(note: to nitpick, I could join in, but the discomfort from many social situations and the resulting bad feelings that come out of it make it better for me just to not do so.)

I get this a lot too. Actually, if my parents are there (and I'm 18 mind you) they'll turn to my parents and say "she's shy isn't she?". I always want to say "and she's still standing in front of you". Mostly I just smile dumbly or nod/say yes and continue not talking until I have something to say.

I think it is like how people say "wow, you're tall" to tall people.

:roll:

I get this almost anytime I am with people, that arent close family.
It usually just makes me nervous and even more quiet. I am normally quiet cause I dont have anything to say, so why try to say something? If I have something to say, I will say it, and then I may not shut up for a while

This was a great discussion on this topic though

"Gee, you're quiet."
"I didn't have anything I wanted to say."

or

"Gee, you'e quiet."
"As soon as you start discussing something interesting I'll join in."

how about this one, to really throw 'em off??  :wink:

'gee, you're quiet.'

say nothing, but just make eye contact, nod your head expressionlessly, and go back to your thoughts.

mostly i'm kidding, but sometimes i actually do use that one on my roommate (who knows i'm as, but doesn't really 'get it' or want to).  obviously, it's not so good for makin' new friends, lol!

Yes...and me too...they always say "She is so quiet" or "She is so serious"Irritating.I don't know why NTs say it...

Ask them: "How long have you known me?"

or worse "well you're ok talking to me/us"

Good one!  Make 'em sweat...heh heh heh :razz:  I must confess,  having become a lot more socially adept myself over many years, I have been guilty myself of pestering quiet people to be sure they're "OK" so that I can return to my good mood without guilt.  It's actually a clumsy attempt at empathizing, I think, but, as Alison points out, it's also a kind of demand that the quiet person must make ME feel at ease.  One of the biggest social problems I have is my assumption that I am not entitled to my good mood if I am in the presence of someone who is (or seems) unhappy.  "You seem quiet" is, I suspect, a kind of half-hearted attempt to do "the right thing"---the questioner wants to show some concern for your state of mind before returning to conversation.  

As for "getting out more," that reminds me of a warning from a friend (not necessarily NT but far more people-focused than I) who found out I'm online a lot and told me, "Don't get too sucked into it.  Remember your REAL life," or something like that.  I think all the media coverage of online predators & stalkers has convinced some people that all online relationships are deceptive & therefore unhealthy, and that the only human interaction that counts as such is face-to-face talking or phone calling.  Well, my REAL life is in my head, and if I told family & friends about HALF the stuff that goes on in my head, they'd see only a sad loser who needs a lot of help. :?   A friend whom I told about my interest in AS---a social worker friend who may have worked with AS people at some point---immediately said, "But YOU'RE not autistic!"  I have twice asked my own sister for any recollections she might have of my odd traits over the years, so I can mention these things in a future evaluation...both requests have been ignored, as if I never made them!  Even if she e-mailed me to say, "No, I don't remember a thing, I think you're being dramatic," or "You've really freaked me out, give me time," I could accept it, but instead my request has not even been acknowledged!  I have shared more of my REAL life, that is, the quirky contents of my mind, with everyone on the forum in the 5 weeks or so of my membership than I have shared with most friends & family, even my therapists, over my lifetime!  I am only now beginning to realize how "different" I am from others, and how important my patterns of daydreaming, lack of empathy, feelings of detachment from family, etc., might be to figuring out what's going on with my brain.  I simply have not found any way to explain most of my inner workings in the context of my so-called "real life" relationships.  No disrespect to the family, friends, or even therapists...but my so-called "real life," for me, is background noise, something I have to attend to periodically, sometimes fun, sometimes a pain in the ***, but never as important as the world of my imagination.  Pretty hard to say THAT in a social setting! :?

EDIT: Upon reflection some of this post sounds ungrateful to many friends & family members who have in fact listened to many of my problems over the years, such as depression & OCD, & tried to help.  The trouble is, the very deep-rooted differences between me & my family & friends---the detachment, the lack of empathy, the allegiance to my daydream world---are hard to talk about anywhere but in this forum; before coming here, I kept these things largely to myself because I didn't even know they COULD be talked about.  I told my very first therapist a little about my daydream world and the relationships I have in it, and his reaction was that we were going to "sit these people down, right here in the office, and talk to them"---it sounded to me as if he intended to shame me into "reality" with some sort of tough-love tactics ("Well, what are these people saying?  If they're so real to you, where are they?")  I didn't stay long there!  I have always had this feeling of detachment & alienation, sometimes more strongly than others, but it is my nature for as long as I can remember.  Not having any years of full engagement in the "real world," I have no basis for comparison, I can't say, "I've had this PROBLEM for x number of years."  So while I have always "felt different," I have never known---till very recently---which of my differences might have some diagnostic significance.  There didn't seem to be an explanation for my being this way.  So I have kept most of my oddness to myself.  How could I tell a sibling, for instance, "Don't take this the wrong way, but I really don't LOVE you the way I'm supposed to"?  How could I make a conventional therapist see my daydreaming as anything more than pathetic escapism?  Sorry to go on so long, but this is NOT a rant, just an attempt to explain that my family & friends are good people who simply are so different from me that I can't tell them most of THIS...and let me add that I DON'T need to get out more! :smile: