Aspies For Freedom

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Well I having been hanging around INTP central for a while and I heard about AS there and once I read about it I realized that I could potentially have it. I was looking at this again tonight and finally decided to join a forum and see if I would have anything in common with people who have AS.

When I was a baby my mom said she would rock me a lot as that would seem to be the only way to calm me down. To this day repetitive motion has a tendency to relax me, and I was watching a show on the discovery channel a while back that indicated that can be an autistic like trait. My childhood was filled with being bullied constantly and feeling like I was different than everyone else so I would usually try to keep to myself most of the time. I did have a few good friends but not very many. Especially when I was young I did have a hard time understanding another persons point of view as well as I didn't understand sarcasm very well at all either. I would usually take people literally especially when I was young. I still do it sometimes or I am just slow to recognize it fast enough.  

I had a lot of trouble in grade school which made me sort of fight the teachers and they even put me in special classes made me take these motor ability tests etc. They wanted to take me to do more tests but my parents fought with the school over it so they didn't do it. My parents didn't think anything was wrong with me. My mom always thought I was just a square peg the school was trying to fit into a round hole. At a young age I had a knack for figuring out how to fix things and later found I had a natural ability for understanding science. After fifth grade I found this old electronics self learning machine my uncle gave me. I decided to do it over the summer and really got into it and liked it. I found I really like algebra and electronics. Eventually Radio Shack became my favorite store. Ha Ha… I was also engrossed into computers at a young age as well and would write programs etc. I also found I loved building things and designing things in general. English on the other hand was my weak spot too. I am a very bad speller and I also didn't really do well with grammar either. Math in general I could understand much better it but I was not a genius at it either.

In both middle and high school for the most part I wasn’t interested in girls or at least I didn’t make it a part of my life to be “looking” for somebody. I was mainly focused on my studies and I had the goal of being an electrical engineer. I did end up getting sort of "pushed" into asking a girl out my senior year. I did it but it was a pretty awkward experience with me and I even fell in love (so I thought at least) and I didn’t know how to handle it at all. I ended up going to the doctor at one point and got diagnosed with chronic fatigue. I was too secretive to tell the doctor, but I knew it was from all the stress that was going on with me liking this girl. I couldn’t even talk to her about it at all as I was so nervous over it. I ended up writing her a letter about it and many years later figured out that I messed it all up.

In college I didn’t really look either and found a few friends I would hang around with, but again I was afraid of crowds and didn’t like dancing etc. Usually I had to be forced to do things like that. I certainly found a few girls I sort of liked but it just never materialized into anything. I just couldn’t get close to them in a way. Even the whole concept of "touching" made me very nervous. There was one women I got along well with, but we always talked it never went further than that. She is a story in itself so I won't go there for now.

My work is pretty much the only thing I am successful at and I have been lucky to find a good place that recognizes my talents and doesn’t expect me to be the manager type. I am very good at learning new things on the fly and the job I have found that most people in the company respect that very much. I recently got caught up in this layoff mess and almost lost my job but now I they are trying to get me back in to a different group.

So here I am 33 never had a girlfriend in my life or even kissed or affectionately touched one. I have learned to hug women just out of being nice recently but I dislike doing it. I think it would be very difficult or me to get to that level as well. Every time I go out and “try” to find someone I just get nervous and blow it. It seems if I give up and don‘t try anymore women tend to not take any notice. At least that I am aware of anyway. The last one was an ENFJ (MBTI) which was quite recently and I had met on an internet dating sight. I learned a lot from just e-mailing with her back and forth, and I say I struggled to understand her ways of objective “testing” of my personality. I was putting so much energy into it because I just knew that I we were miss-communicating and I didn‘t understand why. I finally gained understanding at one point after struggling for maybe a month of this, but it was like discovering E=MC^2 or something. I had to understand it at a fundamental level in order for me to understand what I wasn’t getting. Then I was exhausted from the ordeal because I was obsessing over it so much. I had to sleep almost the entire weekend after that ordeal. She eventually stopped writing me back so I figure I blew it, but I don’t know for sure.

I usually don’t "look" for women but every so often. Sometimes I just wish there was someone out there for me. I can’t seem to find her no matter were I look or don‘t look. Usually once I fail once I take it pretty hard because I usually put a lot of energy into it. Then I give up for a few years and then try it again. I do get depressed over it often sometimes because I am all alone and by myself most of the time as all my few friends are now married and have busy lives of there own now. They all seem to wonder why I am not married yet. Me I just wonder why it is so hard for me to find someone yet so easy for them. I have felt better lately now that maybe there is a logical explanation for all of this and that helps. However, I don’t know for sure if I really have AS or not. I suppose it could be something else, or I am just a loser who knows..

Well I hope I didn’t bore you guys to death with my life story but I figured it would be the useful to see if people who have AS could relate to any of these things. I don’t know if I want to get tested or not. Part of me would like to know if this is why I have such trouble with relationships especially with women.
Hi Geek
Welcome to AFF.  I don't know if you're an aspie or not--that's your exploration to do. I'm an INTP/INTJ type and have long since given up on the relationship hunt, realizing that I'm truly contented with a circle of friends and don't need/don't want a significant other. What you're describing is potentially a sort of social difficulty that could be NT (myers briggs) and/or aspieness. I think there's some aspies that post to INTP central.  But from my perspective at least, you're welcome to join in and ask questions here.  You could try taking some of the online tests that Amy has posted.
Hi Geek engineer, as energeia said, try taking some of the online tests for a general guide.
We do have a friendship site where you could meet other people on the spectrum, if you find online relationships comfortable.
http://www.aspiefriends.aspiesforfreedom.com

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Maybe just think I need a relationship to make sure I always have a good friend around. *shrug*


You sound like me, and I was diagnosed with AS :smile:  I want someone and yet I don't.  When I start to get in a relationship with someone I get freaked out. What do I next and so forth.  Many of times they don't feel right to me at all.  I think people with AS traits have a hard time with what NT find to be natural.  

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I guess it is hard to know if I am just being a hypochondriac over it and thinking there is something wrong with me when there isn't. I guess if I were to find out that I did have AS it would be like "oh so that explains a lot of things" sort of feeling.


Your not being hypochondriac.  Would help if I tell you I am a few years old then you and still live at home, have NEVERED had a relationship with anyone, and don't have any friends.  It was only recently that I just wanted to know what was wrong with me.  I went to a phsycologist who specialized in AS.  Though at the time of my diagnosis I didn't even know what AS was.  I had no idea that they pshcyologist specialized in it.

I don't look eccentric and I can make eye contact with people, however I have the same problems. My don't show external they are internal.  



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It just seems like I have to learn the "hard way" and I am 5-10 years behind everyone else my age.


Geek Engineer I feel the same way about me.  I have always been a slow learner in LOVE, emotional stuff, and believe me for my age; I don't act it at all.  I always used to consider myself a "late bloomer" so to speak, and like you things have gotten better with age, but I am just like you with developmental issues, i am behind 10 years or more  :smile:

Your not a loser and my guess you probably do have a lot of austistic traits. The problem is with a lot of pshcylogist out there won't consider someone AS unless they physicall (externally) show eccentric traits.

You are probably like me. You don't show it on the outside.  The one great thing about my phsychologist is he reconginzed my traits buy studying what I told him about my lifestyle.

Not being married or ever having a relationship, OBESSED with music and put it before people.  Not likeing to be touched, having a hard time understand and feeling of love, etc.  

If you saw me you would never know I have those AS traits, but if you were going to go by my lifestyle, well then let's say you would for sure understand.  

At work it very hard for me to relate to all these woman here in the office.  Talk about feeling lonely. It sure feels bad when I can't relate to how it feels to be a mother and wife.  I am not in the least interested.

I think if you could find a doc. who specializes in AS and get a diagnosis that would answer a lot of your questions.  If you are intersted my doc. is in Phoenix, AZ

He is awesome because he has done a lot of research on AS and doesn't follow the DMS for critieria.  He looks at your life style and what is bothering you and what not.  Also talks to you about what your child hood was like.

Believe me if someone was to judge me merely on my eccentric traits on the outside I believe I wouldn't even qualify.

Take Care!

Hello Geek Engineer!

I'll try to be brief, as it's late.

There was so much in your first post that I could identify with. You certainly do seem to fit into the aspie stereotype, being a geek and an engineer, and being unlucky in love etc. Do you know about the link that some autism experts have found between autism and engineering? I myself have a close relative who is an engineer with a great love of electronics and who is a terrible speller. This kind of mind is coded for in the genes, so traits like this can be found in autistics and also in our family members.

Some advice:

- forget the Myers Briggs crap

- I think you're an aspie, based on what you've written

- aspies sometimes find that their best chance at having a marriage-type relationship is with another aspie, so it is possible that you have had no luck with relationships due to the fact that your best match is an uncommon type, who can be hard to meet, as aspies are often quite reclusive in lifestyle, or avoid noisy and crowded places (like singles bars).
This is something that I realised myself when I was fed up with never meeting the kind of guy that I wanted to meet. I figured that the odds were stacked against this happening, but I just got lucky and met my aspie husband through another aspie that I knew. Do you have any geeky mates? Do any of them have sisters or female cousins?

It could also be possible that you have personal characteristics that would make a relationship with any other female a challenge. Some aspies are very egocentric, which can appear to be selfishness, and it can also contribute towards any tendency towards selfishness. Some aspies take little care of their own appearance and grooming. Some aspies are very serious or don't have a sense ofhumour that is understood by others.

If you are interested in aspie females, I have some advice. There is one scientific theory about autism that says it is an extremely male-type brain. So it follows that aspie females might not be the most feminine ladies in the world. There does seemto be an unusual number of bi or lesbian aspie females. Don't believe the idea that autistic females are much rarer than autistic males. I believe there are plenty of us, we just don't get diagnosed as autistic. Some aspie females do not wear skirts or long hair as they find these things to irritating to their senses. I never liked wearing skirts, even as a kid. Not sure why. Aspie females can have odd or unfeminine body language. The body language of famous autistic Temple Grandin has been described as "uncouth". Some autistics have not much body language and flat, unemotional voices. Have you ever watched the TV show "Daria"? Daria is an aspie in my opinion.

- good luck!
Sorry, Lili, I love the myers-briggs stuff. It gives me a great analytical framework for understanding where people are coming from. It can be misused, though, that's for sure. Geek, there are tons of NTs who have trouble with relationships of varying sorts and there are aspies who find true love (e.g., Alison and Ozymandias and Gareth/Amy on this board). Some people get lucky and meet "the one" and others learn how to get the needs met elsehow.
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