Aspies For Freedom

OK, I just returned home from a scheduled (routine) parent/teacher meeting at my youngest son’s school (U.S.), and I thought it might be grist for conversation here.  First, a little background.  This is a private school with a very low teacher to student ratio, and it specializes in helping kids with a variety of learning differences.  They utilize a teacher advocate system, whereby one teacher is assigned to be an advocate for my son while he is in school.  My wife attended with me, as did my son (he’s 12).

The primary purpose of the meeting was to review my son’s progress, and determine if any changes are needed in his Individual Education Plan.  My wife has handled many of these meetings by herself, and she’s pretty tough, but I guess it was my turn to play bad guy today.  I missed the first fifteen minutes or so because of a problem at work, but when I got there, the advocate was reviewing the IEP, and saying that my son was doing well overall.  The advocate asked my son if there were any concerns that he could think of, and he mentioned a couple of things, one being that he didn’t like it when his classmates rushed him.  He gave the example of them calling out “come on, hurry it up”, or something along that line.  The advocate then asked him why he thought that happened, and he said that he wasn’t sure.  She then said, “could it be that you were taking a long time?“, which eventually led to “what could you do to speed things up?”.  He offered up an idea, to which the advocate said, “oh no, that wouldn’t work, how about (something to do with listening, I can’t remember exactly).  At about this point I stopped the advocate and said that I was not sure that my son ought to be the expected to make an adjustment based on the kid‘s demands, when slow response (or failure to hear an instruction), is a part of his known behavior.  If the others are allowed to “correct” him in this way, he’s going to feel alienated or bullied, and I told her that the others should be told to back off.  I told her that this was an important issue, because my son has a history of being corrected by the group, and I would like for him to see that it’s not always a matter for him to fix, that the other kids should be a bit more tolerant.  The advocate agreed, but then launched into a speech about it being necessary to adapt, in order to improve his effectiveness (not a quote) later on as an adult.  

I don’t entirely disagree with that last statement, but I was seeing a bias, and started giving the advocate my view of pushing behaviors on kids like my son.  She then backed up somewhat, and she did tell my son that it was her intention that the other kids not be allowed to do this, and that no matter what they said, he should remember that he is every bit as valued as they are.  In the end, I got the impression she new what I was saying, but I’m not sure she really “gets it”.  

Please understand that I do think it’s proper for my son to try and make some adjustments in order to “fit in”, I just believe that it’s important that we as parents and teachers also understand the magnitude of what we ask, and ensure that our kids don’t feel like they’re faulty, or that they’re a disappointment to someone, when they don’t always succeed in that task.  Comments?

First thing, it is good that the child is allowed to be in the meeting, that is rare to happen here. And good that the child is allowed to have input. And good that your son is doing well overall.

I agree that if your son feels concerned that he is being rushed then they need to listed to that. It's logical that if it was simply a case of him speeding up and catching up with the other kids, then he would have already done that. If some things take him longer then that's how he works.

Hi dadman.  I agree with you about standing up for our kids.  They need to know that WE will always stand up for them.  They need to feel completly safe with us, and that we will love them no matter what.  I think you handled it very well.

Now having said that, we also have to watch how much we disagree with teachers and advocates INFRONT of our children.  They get all their  "cues" from us.  If they think we do not respect or like someone, then they pick up on it, and then real trouble could start.

You are SO right about not allowing the other kids to dictate how your son does in class.  If he feels free to be his self, then he will want to fit in more and particapate like the other kids.

But, this is just my opinion, I am quite sure someone here will disagree.

It is? Rare I mean. I remember my review meetings quite well. Everything they was going to be happening was ok'd with me before it was done, plus they requested feedback on areas I feel I need improvement, how school can help me achieve them, and how home can help me achieve them. Course, before I was 14 because I wasn't informed of my diagnosis I wasn't in the entire meeting...

And yes, congratulations on standing up for your kid

If you only had that from 14 and over then there were many years when you weren't present.
And remember that some children are not even told about their diagnosis, they find out at late teens or sometimes older.

No, I think there was a misunderstanding. I was in the full meeting from 14, and part of the meeting (which as far as I can tell from the meetings I was in post 14 were the parts that talked about me as a specific rather than Asperger's as a general) all through highschool.

Primary school I didn't have the AS diagnosis, as well as forgetting the specifics of how things were handled.

Trollete, you brought up a good point regarding disagreements. I prefer to deal with issues on-the-spot, but that's just not always the best, depending on the situation and present company.

Do English public schools break their Special Education classrooms down into various types?  For instance, we have LD (learning Disability), OHI (Other Health Impairment), etc.  Nothing in our state seems particularly well-suited to an Asperger's student, hence we use a private school (very expensive).

Sorry dadman, I can't help you there.  I live in South Georgia.  And fortunatly there is a VERY good public school here for my son.

English public schools, based on my experience of the english public education system, tend not to have special needs classrooms. An SSA (Special Support Assistant) going into classes that the person needs help in, on a basis of 'amount of hours' based upon the amount of help it's perceived that the person needs. Also, sometimes individual/small group sessions 1-3 times a week are put on, in place of lessons that it isn't felt the person needs (I seem to recall having one in English + in year 9, which was an exclusive class for people who were doing one rather than two modern languages, which has absolutely no bearing whatsoever on someone's ability with english, but there you are) (or in some cases after school, or during 'free periods' in the case of sixth form)