Abubakar Tariq Nadama was a 5-year-old Maryland boy who died last summer as a result of a treatment intended to cure his autism. I think about Abubakar and his parents, and the choices they made believing they were helping their son. I find myself remembering our own such dilemma, when we put too much pressure on our autistic son, putting him in a very challenging classroom without adequate support, and he fell apart. Although we regained control over him, and in the process, we were forced to let go of our wish to cure him. In the process, we learned a very powerful lesson: If we contort ourselves and our kids to make them into something they’re not, might we be doing more harm than good? Abubakar’s case is extreme, but the question remains: How do we find just the right balance between helping - and hurting?
Even parents of children who are typically developing fall prey to the desire to push their children towards perfection, to develop every possible edge so that they might have it all, sometimes sacrificing their children’s and their own peace of mind and self-esteem in the process.
Rest of story -
http://www.autismnews.co.uk/modules.php?...le&sid=143
While I can understand the desire to see your kid to be perfect. I can also understand how that can make things even worse. It was hard when Amber went thru that time, but, after my upbringing and with my wife's guidance we both decided and have stuck to our guns that Amber will be a kid/teen at her own pace. With the right mix of coaching and time to be herself, which also allows her to absorb her lessons. And it's been more relaxing for all of us to do so.
It's hard in society to do that nowadays. Letting a kid be a kid and be different, seems to be frowned on. :?
Peace
I'm glad you were able to let go enough to make this decision and to help Amber live her best life.
I think more should have that chance.
It is hard when my "mother" was the meddling, controlling person that she was. So I thought that was the way to do things, then I realized that, that was NOT the way to do things. Fortunately, my wife notices when those learned behaviors start creeping into my behavior. She can bring my attention to it and divert it.
Peace
Is an over-controlling style of parenting a learned behaviour? I'm not so sure, as I have observed too much of this type of parenting by aspies or aspies-in-denial. Autistic people do often like to be very much in control of situations, and this just doesn't work when you are dealing with people. This is why I believe it is important that parents of autistic kids be made aware of the fact that they are likely to have some autistic traits themselves, so that they can put their own behaviour in perspective.
One form of over-controlling parental behaviour that I particualrly can't stand is parents who seek evaluations of their children's abilities, then they obsess over their kid's weakest points and do nothing to develop their children's special abilities. What will count most when their kids grow up and want to establish a career, a complete lack of flaws, or an outstanding talent?
I have often challenged the claims made about how much parents can do to alter the course of their children's development. Some of the ideas that are being marketed to parents are plainly absurd. The other day I was looking through the baby section of a department store, and I spotted some incredibly expensive baby toys being marketed under the brand name "Baby Einstein". So if I buy this over-priced junk for bubs it will boost my child's chances of becoming an eminent physicist? As the real Einstein was an aspie, and this was probably a very important factor contributing towards his unique achievements, what chance does any parent of an NT baby have of turning their baby into a little Einstein? Buckley's, I'd guess!