Aspies For Freedom

Recently, I told a friend about being an autistic woman.  I told her about preferring non-verbal forms of communication, at least non-cellular anyway (I HATE cell phones).  I told her that even though I can be an uncommunicative ***, that still I care about her and I would like to see her.  She responded by telling me that I am not autistic whatsoever and that my family was neurotic and then gave me her cell phone #.  
   I feel, why should I bother to communicate when I am not heard?  Why am I losing all of my friends to this?  I would love to see her, but I don't want to use the phone, it's too hard.  How do I deal with this situation objectively and appropriately?  Thank you for listening.

If she knows very little about autism, and thats why she thinks you are not autistic, you could try and email her some info and maybe ask her to read a book by someone like Donna Williams or Dawn Prince Hughes.

But she might just be uncomfortable with people with differences as she preceives it.
Some people are nice and politically correct, but then when someone wants to build a school for disabled people near their house they are horrified, for example.

Not likely I'll get her to read about it....Oh well, it's just that I've had the opportunity to discuss it with very few of my friends, and already two have not been supportive at all.  This is not a good statistic but I am going to reiterate   :?  .  
I can't imagine people being horrified at living near disabled housing.  How strange.

Frog, what non-verbal forms of communication did you tell her that you preferred? I am curious.

It sounds like she was anxious and threatened by hearing that you are an autistic woman and that is why she dismissed your words. If that is true, that her disparagement or dismissal of your autism came out of some anxiety I wonder what it was that frightened her.

frog, its called NIMBY. Not in my backyard. People who are nice and say that people should be allowed to be immigrants, and that there should be open prisons, and hospitals for the mentally ill, etc and then when the council decides to build such a place near their property they panic and fight against it.

Good point.


I've told a few people that I am autistic. For the most part I have gotten the same response as you got from your friend. They either pathologize it or dismiss it as some figment of my imagination. I noticed that my admission of autism seems to make certain people anxious about something, but what it is specifically that makes these people anxious  I haven't yet figured out.

It depends on how often she wants to call on the phone and how long she wants to talk.  Chatting on the phone for 15-30 minutes once a week might be reasonable but meeting to have coffee/meal together once a week might also be enjoyable for both of you.   It depends on the nature of the relationship, your common interests and what you like to spend time together doing.  Some friends just meet to go shopping together, that is all.  

It might be better if she is friends with you just because she likes you, not because you have autism.  So just tell her you prefer to use the phone for short messages.  If she just wants someone to call and talk all about her problems then she will just find someone else.  That type of friend might not be worth having.

I have problems with audiotory processing.  When someone calls to say let's go for coffee -  I make sure I write down everything about the meeting:  who, where, when.  I write it down and repeat it back.  Actually, them sending an e-mail would be quicker only I do not check my e-mail very often.

I don't know Frog, I don't think it was very nice of her to dismiss your words and tell you that you're family is neurotic. I make this point because this is how I always get into trouble. I tend to ignore the rude comments that people sometimes make because I fail to attach any importance to their rudeness. I just lump it all in with all the other (to me) inexplicable behaviors that NTs do. So, often, I overlook rudeness that I should not overlook. I think that you should confront her about these rude comments. If you speak your mind about her behavior it will be healthier for your friendship than just ignoring hurtful words.

I used to misunderstand people's intentions very badly at one time, and less so now, but of course we cannot ever know whether we have understood what is meant by something, especially where few words are used, or slang and idiom and sarcasm, where the meaning can only be revealed by tones of voice, "looks," analysis of minute eye-movements and so on. I think I get it right nearly all the time now, but sometimes I realize only afterwards that someone has intended to be really mean and horrid, or make fun of me. There's really no way of knowing with NTs.  :roll:

I had a friend who used to tell me that I was neurotic and weird all the time. I had that "friend" for many years. During all those years I never once criticized her for her obvious failings.  I was desperate enough for friends to put up with her constant rude comments about me without saying anything to stop her comments. In fact, I think we had an implicit agreement that she would "hang out" with me and let me be around her friends IF I tolerated her rude behavior toward me.

After she got married she dumped me because her husband seemed to have a bit of a roving eye toward me.

I am no longer that desperate for friends. I spend time around people who respect me.

Have you tried asking for her email address? If you have it already you could try writing her an email, as it's most likely she would reply by email. If you don't see her often and don't have her email yet, you could try calling (once), talk briefly, and close the conversation by asking for the email address for next time?

Maybe it is worth pointing out that for many people, talking is a pleasure in itself, and if they weren't able to chat with someone, or call them on the phone for a chat and a laugh, there would be not much satisfaction or intimacy or pleasure in the friendship for them. Talk is much more than mere communication for most people.

There are very few people that I enjoy chatting with, but I find it can be fun with the right person. My auditory processing is poor but not hugely disabling.

One of my ex-bfs used to say I was the best gf ever.  Because he could 'recycle' all his old jokes.  

I would often forget the jokes or funny anecdotes he had told me, so he could tell them to me again and I would laugh as though I'd never heard them before.  He thought this made me easy to please and entertain!  :lol:

I can see a bit of both sides of the issue. I like talking to friends on the phone but prefer to see them in person. However, I get very nervous about ringing people at a bad time and don't know how to use a mobile phone (one day, I'll learn).

E-mailing is good for me too but if I had a friend, I wouldn't want to only rely on e-mail unless they were from another town or city far away. If they were in the same town or city, I'd want to see them face to face too.

I do think though, that real friends would respect it if you had trouble with talking on the phone and not force that as the only option.

This nimby business sucks but unfortunately, a lot of people are like this.

I don't think I would've had any of that. I'd feel like, "I'm neurotic? What kind of friend are you? I have a disability. Would you call someone in a wheelchair lazy?"