Aspies For Freedom

My 7 year old nephew demonstrates classic Aspie traits.  When he was younger he didn't talk but parroted.  This moved on to become oppositional defiance.  Not sure if that's the correct term but essentially he'd take what you said and turn it around.  "It's a nice day" would become "It's awful outside" and this he'd act as though he believed it.  He has gastro intestinal problems.  He has issues about textures. The kid has poor sense of himself in his environment - constantly banging into things and dropping items.  And he doesn't demonstrate a sense of empathy.  Etc.

The big problem that he has at the moment are his parents.  His Aspie issues cause what appear to be behaviorial issues.  Arguementative.  Doesn't follow directions. Etc.

The parents treat all of this as a fault of their disciplining skills. One screams and yells and threatens to get the boy to behave.  The other folds and allows him any of his childish wants.  They blame the boy for things I don't think he can control.

These two parents know of my son's diagnosis of PDD-NOS, and I've not hidden the fact that my father showed classic Aspie traits.  In fact for two years I've talked about spectrum issues alot around them.  I've even talked to them a little about my issues growing up.

Since I've had my suspicions about their son I've dropped hints that he could have issues that aren't a part of being just 'obstinate.'  And I've suggested that they look into getting him evaluated by a developmental pediatrician or at least by the school psychologist.   I work hard not to bring up the spectrum at all around them on this issue.  I've told them that the testing could only help them with improving his school work.

See, the kid's who he is.  I feel that if the parents had an understanding of why he is the way he is they wouldn't be causing him more problems by a lack of structure.  Or worse by yelling at him.

Well, over Christmas I  let them know more about my concerns about their son's issues and I sent them a list of resources for them in their part of the country.  In response I get an email back saying thank-you but it's not the kid.  It's just their discipline methods.

I'm ticked off.  I'm upset.  And I don't like the idea that I can't help the kid in some way.

Any input or advice out there?  Please be constructive.  I'm doing enough ranting and raving for all concerned on this issue.  Thanks.

Well, maybe you could be a positive person for the kid to get to know--take him on outings, spend time with him, etc, so that as he gets older he'll have someone supportive to talk with and whose advice he might be prepared to listen to.

Nuttyguy, I think how kids cope in school is one inportant factor of whether they get diagnosed or not.

If a child is difficult in school and teachers support or ask for a diagnosis then its more likely to be taken seriously.

I think that is partly why girls go under diagnosed, if they are quiet, withdrawn and shy in school they get ignored.

Does your nephew cope well in school and get good grades?

The problem with that is that he lives two days drive away.  I only see the family when I'm traveling on business in their area or when they come up for big family events (eg. funerals, retirement parties, etc.).

It's not that they're not decent people or that they don't want to be good parents.  They simply refuse to even consider the idea that their boy has underlying issues for the way he acts.  If they understood this they would probably be more understanding.  Maybe even more accepting.

Don't know...

The parents haven't spoken too much with us about his school work.  I do know that he gets extra services in school but that is it.  His parents have told me that his teachers think he's an angel.  He doesn't show the behaviorial problems there like he does at school.  It's part of the structure he has in the class room I believe.

As to whether or not the teachers and educators would recognize the signs of PDD, it's been my experience that you can't count on that.  

For years before my son's diagnosis he received occupational therapy and speech therapy.  He'd gone through a series of evaluations at school and I remember distinctly the educators telling us that we could get more involved testing done but that getting an official diagnosis wouldn't help the situation.  My son's childhood at this point was identical to mine and his skills did keep improving.  It wasn't until we moved into another state in the US (actually one with fewer services) that we were pushed to get a diagnosis.  It was then that I discovered the spectrum and the answers to many of the events in my childhood along with an explanation for my father's behaviors.

The parents are concerned about their son but they won't explore the idea that he could be on the spectrum.  I'd like to find some reading for them that could talk about traits and behaviors that they might see in their son but wouldn't scare them by first talking about Autism.  Maybe something that could bring out the PDD idea towards the end after the parents have identified the traits in their son.

Does that make sense?

Their whole family has turned dysfunctional over this but if they could understand that its not their son's intention to be "bad" then maybe they could figure out parenting alternatives that could work.

If he gets extra services at school then they must be aware that he has some 'special needs' that need extra support.

You could try simply emailing them a list of signs of being on the spectrum, and omit to say that its referring to autism, and see how they respond.

Your dilemma comes up quite a lot on parents forums, where a relative suspects that a child is autistic and doesn't know how to tell the parents.

Thanks, Amy, for the input.  I'll do some searching to see what I come up with.

It's not just your nephew that needs some insight , it sounds like the behaviour of his parents is simply awful!   :shock:

There's actually a British television programme that might prove really informative and helpful for the parents, to give them tips about how to deal with your nephews behavioural problems, but it might also open their eyes about how parents yelling at a child means the child just mirrors that behaviour and yells and shouts all the time.

Over here it's called Supernanny, and they sold the programme format to America and made Supernanny US (or Supernanny USA).   The nanny who 'starred' in the programme was called Jo Frost, if you need to try and google some information and try and find out which of your zillions of channels over there broadcasts the show.

I think all parents should be made to sit through a series before they're allowed to have children!  It's quite revealing, because through the course of the programme, it usually becomes apparent that it's not the child's behaviour that's so problematic, it's the parents' behaviour, and how the child mimics the parents' bad behaviours and the light slowly dawns on the parents.

The programme won't provide any specific solutions re AS, but if the parents' bad behaviour can be addressed, the child's behaviour is usually totally transformed.  Your nephew will probably still have some issues, but at least it will be clear that they are *his* issues (not his parents), and they can be understood and addressed once he's lost all the bad behaviours and issues he's picked up from his parents.