hi,
I finally got a job, or at least a training course, I’m a student in a hospital. I had my first placement interview this week and my supervisor says I’m too shy and I need to chat to the patients.
Normally I would let the NTs start the conversation, but I've been told since they're taking their clothes off they will be inhibited and it's up to me to put them at ease with pointless chatter. - I don't understand how that helps but I'm prepared to accept it as fact because there is evidence patients like it.
My problem is I don’t know what to say. I only see them for a few minutes each day. It’s more difficult because the patients have cancer and many are nervous, worried, etc themselves. I also have a terrible memory for faces and I’m afraid I’ll give away that I don’t remember what a person said to me the last day.
Anyone got any ideas for neutral things to ask to start a conversation? I don’t think I could stand asking thirty people a day about the weather.
By the way, has anyone ever worked out what the rule is for passing people in a corridor at work? I mean when do you ignore them, make brief eye contact, smile, or smile and say hello? I can’t work it out.
Talking about the weather is fairly usual amongst strangers.
Example:
"What a miserable old day."
"Well, it is January I s'pose."
"It's the cold rain and dark that gets me down."
"Gets everbody down"
"But every day's a day nearer to Spring. :smile: Daffodils will be up before we know it"
"Hasn't the last year gone quick?"
Winstons, quite a responsible job, and well done to you for taking it and helping people.
As Stella said there are common themes with pointless chatter. Weather, holidays during the summer months, such as people often seem to say 'are you going on holiday anywhere?', however if someone was seriously ill that would not be appropriate.
Another one seems to be 'are you going out at the weekend?' again that would not be suitable for very ill people.
These things can be spotted on the tv sometimes.
For older people, and in the summer months, you could try 'do you like gardening?' and they might talk about their garden.
I cant really think of any others. If your boss wants you to chat more, could you ask to sit in when someone else does it, then you can see the kind of things they say.
Actually some writers apparently use a ploy of sitting behind people on the bus and note what they chat about to get 'realism'.
You could employ such a trick to see what patients talk about to each other.
Thanks, I'll try listening to what the other staff say, they must have some standbys that they normally use.
Yeah, the "what are you doing in the summer?" question is probably out. In fact I dread the day that someone answers my "How are you?" greeting with "Dying of cancer, actually."
Maybe it's just me who would say that, but I hate asking stupid questions.
I normally model my behaviour on the other people around to get it right, but I'm in training and constantly being assessed, so I have to be more helpful and enthusiastic than the qualified staff - like having to be extra careful during your driving test, except that it takes two years. I like the work, but trying to look engaged and enthusiastic in a way they would recognise is exhausting.
It would be exhausting, I couldn't do that job so I admire that you can.
You could say instead of how are you - 'how are you this week?' as presumably the patients have to make regular visits and their condition will be assessed often.
And its more specific than a general how are you.
Actually, I like it when people politely smile when they greet me and then it's just fine if they DON'T chatter, since then I'd have to chatter back (but probably most of your patients won't be aspies).
Amy's advice sounds good. Also, maybe you could find a forum or two for people with cancer and pose your questions--see what the patients say. I'd suggest NOT asking how they are (for the reason you state)...you could ask how their day is going. With whatever they say, you could ask a follow-up question.
This is from Dale Carnegie's famous “How to win Friends and Influence People” book. My employer had me take the 12 week course too. I think it’s a great book for anyone on the spectrum that wants to follow simple rules for socializing. I have bolded the ones I think are really important and italicized my own comments/suggestions.
Become a Friendlier Person
1. Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
2. Give honest, sincere appreciation. If you like something about them say it but remember it HAS to be sincere.
3. Arouse in the person an eager want.
4. Become genuinely interested in other people.
5. Smile. I know it's hard sometimes and it seems superficial but it works!
6. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
7. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.Some suggestions: What’s your name? Where do you live? Do you like it there? Do you have children? How old are they? What do you like to do for fun? Where do you vacation? REMEMBER the information they gave to you and use it in future conversations.
8. Talk in terms of other person's interests.
9. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.
Win People to Your Way of Thinking
10. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
11. Show respect for the other person's opinion. Never say, " you're wrong."
12. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
13. Begin in a friendly way.
14. Get the other person saying, "yes, yes" immediately.
15. Let the other person do a great deal of talking.
16. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
17. Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
18. Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas or desires.
19. Appeal to the nobler motives.
20. Dramatize your ideas.
21. Throw down a challenge.
Be a Leader
22. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
23. Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
24. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
25. Let the other person save face.
26. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
27. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
28. Give the person a fine reputation to live up to.
29. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
30. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
Good luck with you new job!
-Rae
Golly, fancy having to remember to do all that when you meet someone! No wonder I've never been a social success. :roll: :oops:
1-9 are probably the most important but I thought I'd list them all because they do come in handy for dealing with co-workers too.
When I was in college one of the upperclassmen I was kind of interested in, from a distance, said to me one day: "You know, there's a book you should read." "What?" said I. "Dale Carnegie, How to win friends and influence people." "Okay," said I, and I got it and read it. It actually helped me. It's been ages since I read it, but as I recall, it was good. (Oh, how my life would have made more sense, had I known I was an aspie!!!!!)
Thanks for all the ideas. I followed your tips- or as many of them as I could remember.
When I finished work today my supervisor said they were impressed that I worked on it and started getting better the last few days. So thanks for the help. :smile:
oh that's very heartening to hear, Winston. :smile:
6. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
This is false for many people. Many people don't like hearing their own name, any yet others prefer being called by something else.
Also, for me, Wojciech is the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
It doesn't bother me talking about the weather as it is one of my interests (but not really an obssessive one) but some other kinds of small talk elude me completely.
hi,
I finally got a job, or at least a training course, I�m a student in a hospital. I had my first placement interview this week and my supervisor says I�m too shy and I need to chat to the patients.
Normally I would let the NTs start the conversation, but I've been told since they're taking their clothes off they will be inhibited and it's up to me to put them at ease with pointless chatter. - I don't understand how that helps but I'm prepared to accept it as fact because there is evidence patients like it.
My problem is I don�t know what to say. I only see them for a few minutes each day. It�s more difficult because the patients have cancer and many are nervous, worried, etc themselves. I also have a terrible memory for faces and I�m afraid I�ll give away that I don�t remember what a person said to me the last day.
Anyone got any ideas for neutral things to ask to start a conversation? I don�t think I could stand asking thirty people a day about the weather.
By the way, has anyone ever worked out what the rule is for passing people in a corridor at work? I mean when do you ignore them, make brief eye contact, smile, or smile and say hello? I can�t work it out.
I don't know any of the answers personally... I don't talk unless talked to... I don't make eye contact unless someone makes eye contact... I find that most people would rather talk than listen, so most of the time it is fine....
How to start a conversation... ask the person how they are.... that will usually do it... people love to talk about themselves... I dislike doing this personally, because in most cases I could careless how they are doing... but I have been told it is important...
I have been told it is important to say hello and goodbye as well... again, personally it means nothing to me... people are offended if you don't, they think you are mad at them, or stuck up...
I think the being an anthropologist on Mars is a fine analogy for the whole situation... Strange creatures, those Martians 