Aspies For Freedom

What is intimacy? The dictionary says "A feeling of being intimate and belonging together" but how do people know when they are being intimate? What is it like to be intimate? How do you know what is intimate?

Please describe times when you were being intimate?

Do Aspies feel intimacy?

Android

Some autistics have problems recognising their emotions, or actually have fewer emotions, such as not feeling jealousy (true for me).

Intimacy is felt by me mainly when I care for someone, such as fixing clothes for them. It does not have to be physically immediate.

I dont want to take Guests thread too far off topic, but does anyone understand the difference between envy and jealousy? I dont feel either, but I'm not sure what the difference really is.

Intimacy is feeling joy,security, a sense of wonder, warmth and/or a feeling of wellbeing in the presence of another, it is a "give and take" and "take and give". Giving is caring for the other person and trust is involved in the taking.

This can sometimes lead to sexual expression(if it is a appropriate and respectful), and sexual espression can lead to back to  intimacy.

I know that my ASPIE husband gets so much less from intimacy on all levels  than I do. Though we have our moments.

I think it has to do with the way his brain processes/ or /produces seratonin and other "feel good" chemicals.

Tiah: NT woman married to AS man.

Tiah said "I know that my ASPIE husband gets so much less from intimacy on all levels than I do."

How do you know that? Has he expressly said that about everything that could be felt as intimate? How could he compare how he feels directly to you?

Because many times he does not react to intimate situations. And because he has told me that interactions on an emotional level do not mean very much to him.

Often times he reacts with nothing when I have feelings of well being, or warmth.. (I am not referring specifically to sex- I mean a psycho emotional reaction for example, to sharing a beautiful sunset, meal, walk together).

I used to think that he does not love me.  But I now realize he does-very much.

I think maybe that seratonin, or dopamine or something is processed differently in his brain than my NT brain.  

He is depressed when everything points to happiness, and little things that go wrong - the effects of which would be alleviated by "feel good" brain chemicals- can be devastating to him.

It is a problem,because I love him dearly and hate to see him stressed, and it does affect the quality of our relationship.

  Certain foods help him cope.. like turkey.

Tiah

Because many times he does not react to intimate situations.

Is it possible that he is reacting inside, but not having a strong facial expression? I have very strong emotions but my face often doesn't show it.

If you are looking for common signs of how someone will show emotion, he will not be expressing them in those ways. Overt body language and facial expressions is not usually our style of communicating.

He said yesterday that he thinks I am much more complex than most women

How often I have been told that by NTs!!!

That must be stressful for you. Personally I would try and tell him as the waiting and wondering would make me anxious. And you are still the same person he married.

M said "It is a really big thing with our minister that he will not marry people who do not disclose their "mental illness" before marrying someone."

You are ok then cos you dont have mental illness. :smile:

M- Neither of us knew that my husband was ASPIE when we married.

When we found out, it helped us both, because there are ways to explain what was before inexplicable.

I love him, maybe even more now than before, and knowing has probably saved our marriage.

Tiah.

Possible pitfalls: BOTH of you using AS as a crutch to avoid issues.

Possible pitfalls: BOTH of you using AS as a crutch to avoid issues.

I get it now....

NTs marrying NTs..possible pitfalls, BOTH of you using NTism as a crutch to avoid issues.


:roll:  :evil:

What is intimacy? I guess being an aspie I'm expected to answer that I have no idea, as I'm supposed to be tragically isolated from my surroundings and other people.

Like many ideas that NTs are fond of, I don't think most people use any precise and meaningful definition of intimacy. It's a feeling. It's whatever you think it is. There seems to be a consensus that intimacy is something to do with sharing or closeness.

I sometimes experience a feeling of closeness when I share a joke with someone else, but there aren't many people in the world who have a sense of humour like mine (my husband is one of these people). Humour is a form of intellectual closeness, as two people see the same situation in the same way and react in the same way. It seems like something is being shared, but what is really happening is that two minds are really doing the same thing separately. It's still fun.


Some people (NTs generally) have this strange idea that emotions can be shared between different individuals, and this is what they call intimacy. Obviously this is technically impossible. I can't shove a lead into someone's ear and plug the other end in my ear and share their emotional brain processes. It is possible to alter someone else's emotional state in some way, and this can feel like a sharing of an emotion. For example, you could smile at someone, and that might make them feel happy then they might smile back. It's a game that people play that gives them the illusion of being connected in some way, but it is only an illusion. We all live inside our own brains.

If your sense of humour or body language or emotions are so unusual that you never meet anyone else who can understand them, then you know what it is like to be an aspie! If you are in a relationship with someone who does not understand your humour, body language and emotions, then I hate to have to inform you that you aren't really in a relationship.

My own experience as an aspie in an aspie family is generally very contradictory to this conclusion. The most moral and moralistic people who I know are aspies. I know for a fact that aspies can be religious, by that I mean they actually live by the rules of their faith, and don't just go to church to make friends. I believe I have met an aspie nun and an aspie religious "fanatic" (for want of a more respectful word). I've known aspies to put their own interests in danger to make a moral protest.

I have no idea how socializing is supposed to make a person more ethical. We have a family in our community who I believe are like the opposite of autistic. They have short attention spans, behavioural and discipline issues, scant regard for government laws and rules, and seem unable to cope for any length of time without social interaction. It isn't an unusual thing to see the family, kids and all, hanging about in thier own front yard half inebriated with loud music playing from their parked car, trying to start a party with passers-by. This is desperation to socialize. It can't be healthy.  :roll: These people don't seem to have a good grasp of basic moral principles, they just seem to think something is OK if other people think it is OK. They seem to make up morality by popular consensus, and this kind of morality is of course only as good as the moralizers. These people know half of the suburb, and are constantly going out or having visitors over, but they are sadly deficient in emotional maturity. Wherever they go there's some drama.

M wrote

But why don't they want to get smashed on their own? If chemical addiction is the main motivation, why the need for company? For safety reasons only? On the rare occasion when I enjoy alcohol, it makes little difference to me if I have company.

Ahumanbeing wrote

Are you referring to a situation in which rules and ethical principles are the best way of considering the situation, or is this the kind of social situation in which"harm" can only be judged by direct observation of the idiosyncratic reactions of individuals?