Aspies For Freedom

Encourage Your Child Not to Abandon a 'Weird Kid' Friend

By Marguerite Kelly
The Washington Post
Friday, January 20, 2006; Page C04

Q. My daughter, now a seventh-grader, wants to be kind to a friend she's had since first grade, but she also wants new, more satisfying friendships.

The school psychologist says that this child, though an excellent student, may have Asperger's syndrome because she says and does inappropriate things when she's under stress and she also flies into tempers. This made many people, and many parents, dislike her in elementary school, but my daughter remained her friend, even though the girl had hit her twice.

  
Their friendship somewhat limited my daughter's social life, but now she has many friends in her new school. Unfortunately, this has made her old friend much needier, and she keeps seeking out my daughter, waiting at her locker between classes and tracking her down during their free time.

My child continues to be kind to her but most of the middle-school students are not, and some even play cruel, humiliating tricks on her. Her parents don't realize how much hostility their daughter faces every day, and I don't want to tell them. The mother got quite angry when a teacher suggested that they send their child to a school for emotionally disturbed teenagers because she had threatened to kill some students who had played a trick on her.

My daughter tries to protect her difficult friend, but some of her new friends walk away when she joins their group and other students ask my daughter if she is a friend of "that weird kid."

I don't want my daughter to abandon this child, but I don't want her to sacrifice her own happiness either.

A. Actually, your daughter should be extra kind to her old friend, and to anyone who isn't as smart or as pretty or as talented or as popular or as stable as she is.

If she doesn't want to do that, ask her to imagine what it must be like to live in that child's skin -- to be friendless and the butt of jokes at school.

She should also ask her favorite teacher to tell the other teachers about those students who are intimidating her friend. A school should never put up with bullies, even if their target does act strange and wild. There could be a good reason for that.

Perhaps her parents shout at each other, night after night, or maybe they are permissive with their daughter one week and autocratic the next. Either behavior would make a child anxious and uncertain and at times quite explosive.

Or does your daughter's friend have outbursts because her brain isn't wired like yours? If she does have Asperger's syndrome -- or AS, as it's called -- she probably doesn't understand or use language well or communicate easily, and she undoubtedly has poor social skills. These and other AS problems range from mild to severe, and the IQs of AS children vary, too, from below normal to very superior, with most scores in between.

Although it takes an experienced evaluator to diagnose Asperger's, a child should be tested if the parents, the pediatrician or the school psychologist thinks she might have this disorder, or any disorder on the autism spectrum.

Tell the principal that you're concerned about your daughter's friend and ask her if she could encourage the parents to get her tested -- a free service offered by every public school system in the country. Their daughter needs help, but she may not get the right kind if the school doesn't know what she needs.

If tests show that the child has AS, the school will have her see a speech-language pathologist regularly, since this disorder can make it hard for some children to understand the sounds that letters make while others can't figure out what the words mean. Still others need help because they take casual slang literally or because they talk too much or too little. Or they speak too slowly or too quickly, too quietly or too loudly, or their voices, their inflections or the rhythm of their speech sounds almost robotic. These problems won't disappear without special help.

An AS child may also need occupational therapy if her senses are underactive or overactive, and she will need still another type of therapy to learn how to read -- and give -- the social cues that most of us know instinctively.

Therapy can also help an AS child become more empathic and more interested in others. Until that happens, she may seem emotionless, awkward and bored by the people around her, and then suddenly get angry or anxious or scared and explode like a rocket.

The better you can help your daughter understand Asperger's syndrome and other behavioral problems, the more empathic she will be, too. This will give her the courage to be as nice to her old friend as she is to her new ones.

Questions? Send them toadvice@margueritekelly.comor to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.

Source:  http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/con...rint/style

Oh, poor little girl!  (The Aspie girl, not the NT).  How cruel.  The kids who do that sort of thing should be the ones sent to a special school, a reform school.  How come assault isn't assault when it's teenagers doing it in school?  No wonder she's become emotionally disturbed and clings to the one friend she's made who stuck by her, with all that happening to her.  Where are the teachers when all this is going on?  Both Lauren and I have had similar experiences but dealt with it differently: Lauren by fighting back, me by being a big sook and going and reporting everything to the headmaster (NOT the teachers, I thought they might not report it on and used to bug him about it personally until I got a result.)  Ostracism because you got some of the "cool" kids suspended I found preferable to any other forms of attention.

Alison

"The mother got quite angry when a teacher suggested that they send their child to a school for emotionally disturbed teenagers because she had threatened to kill some students who had played a trick on her."

Because of school killings like in Columbine, school officials take threats seriously.  I remember when I was in school kids were always saying "I am going to kill you".  It was just an exaggeration, more like "I am going to get you."  When I became an adult I had to realize that I could not longer deal with my problems by saying such things even if I really did not mean that I would harm anyone in revenge.  I could be charged with making a death threats or uttering threats.  Children has to be taught that they can not say or write these threats since they will punished as an adult.

Why wait until they're adult?  The time to do something is when they say it.  There was a program on TV last night about how out-of-control some youths are - drinking, hard drugs and violence at all hours of the night in groups.  Police saying that the parents need to take more control, the parents saying that they're not *allowed* to do anything, high school teachers saying that it's dangerous to go into their classrooms for fear of physical violence.  And when they showed some of the teenagers, threatening the cameramen and reporters, stealing cars and threatening passersby, it struck me that none of them appeared to be Aspie.  No, all of them were quite capable of meeting the reporters eyes, they were articulate and aggressive to an insane degree.  These are NTs who are out of control, who say there's nothing for them to do, who find it funny to torment the "nerds".  We need to amend the laws so that these people can be charged and dealt with properly, not just a slap on the wrist and let off again and again.  That's only teaching them they can get away with such behaviour.
Alison (sorry, rant over now!)

No.  What I meant is that years ago, children were treated as children.  A child who made an idle threat might be punished, made to apologize.  Now the children are being punished as adults are punished.  Now these kids are being kicked out of school and put into schools for problem children.  Kids with AS are the perfect victims in these schools.  Instead of assessing some children problems:  learning disability etc., they are being suspended or expelled from school because of "zero tolerance" for violence laws.  

Some kids get into trouble who are NT.  They just never receive any discipline at home and just think they can get away with anything.  They tell their parents they will call the police if they get a spanking or sent to their room.

"Unfortunately, this has made her old friend much needier, and she keeps seeking out my daughter, waiting at her locker between classes and tracking her down during their free time."

This does not sound good either.  I do not think that stalking is good either, done by anyone.  And someone is right,  the author's daughter should be friends with whoever she wants.

I think the bullies should be trapped in a room with fart gas for a while. It is the kind of company they deserve for having such malodorous personalities.  :twisted:  :evil:  :mad:

Seriously, if the lady's daughter wants to be friends with this girl, what is the problem? Everybody needs a good friend sometime in their life. So what about the popular kids? If they don't like it, that is their problem.

I've been told I am too needy sometimes and it hurts.

Most kids get angry and lose it sometimes. I agree with the comment that kids are sometimes being treated as being as culpable as adults. If someone has been subject to torment for a long period of time, especially one who is very sensitive like many aspies are, it is only to be expected that they will feel murderous towards the bullies.

They might not understand that it's not considered socially appropriate to express these feelings outwardly.

This gets me everytime. The victim is emotionally disturbed for defending themselves. The bullies are considered not emotionally disturbed? What the heck?! The bullies are the ones who need a school for the emotionally disturbed, some of them are like mini-Hitlers. That's ok?

And these "mini-hitlers" grow up to be bullies in the workplace and in the home unless something is done to stop them when they are children.

Luckilly if they grow up to just be bullies. Alot of them show signs of being murderers, or just plain violent abusive *beeeep*s.

Both sides are right! Poor weird girl and poor friend!

I can identify myself with the weird girl - I was in the same situation as a child, except for the fact that I had no long-term friend until I was in 7th grade. And then it were my parents who found that girl not ok for me. I still wonder, what they might have thought - there were no other girls who gave a damn for me! So did they think I'd send the only girl away that was caring and talking to me and gave me a hint of what could be if I had more friends?

By the way, I met that friend today and her little one year old girl is my "godchild" (except that we are all not in a church, so it's the modern variation of godchild).

I can understand the mother of the friend as well. She's wondering if her daughter will have enough social contacts in future, for a lot of long-term friendships are made at school and if one misses that phase... And it's a need, young kids have, to have a lot of friends and to find out who will match or not. But on the other side, the friend might learn to stand for her own believes and to tell others off, who come bullying her weird friend.

There is not one-and-only-truth. That's a problem a lot of young kids and it seems a lot of aspies (just like me, and I always have to remind me of that), too, have - realizing that the world is made in shades of gray instead of clear black-and-white.

It would be easier the other way.

Sibylle

Yes, it's all very good to have "feel good" statements such as "our school has a zero tolerance towards bullying" but if this isn't followed up with concrete action, what use is it?

dadman, I can completely understand what you and your son have gone through. I went through the same stuff, when I went to public high school. Which really wasn't that long ago, I'm 24 years old.

The schools so totally lie about the bullying, you're so right on that. I think Columbine was caused by this ignoring the bullies situation, not that violence is the answer. Clearly if the school was more focused on helping those boys, rather than contributing to them being seen as "freaks" things might've turned out differently.

I think the school that asked you to enroll your son in karate class, should've been told "Why, your solution is to turn my son into another bully since you allow bullies invincibility here?" There are alot of people in the education buisness that should not be there.

My mom has been to countless Special Ed meetings, trying to explain to them what was going on. I didn't even find out I was depressed until after high school. I was heavily into Marilyn Manson and the Goth movement, and nobody noticed I was depressed. That's a travesty.

I am willing to help you with any further problems your son may encounter, being that I've been there myself. I don't know of any real solution. My mom said that if she had thought about it again, she would've had me homeschooled. That isn't a option for everyone though.

Yes, and teachers and head teachers often fail to realise that bullying doesn't just consist of physical violence and tormenting and name calling.

It can also be hiding or damaging property, leaving the child out of games and other activities, playing mean tricks on them, getting them into trouble and so on.

Girls can be particularly subtle with their bullying, although the effects are far from subtle.

This sounds like a brilliant idea and would also help your student as it gives him some predictability and continuity in keeping up with his old and new friends. It would be great if more teachers could do this kind of thing.