Why do NTs smile at people? It makes some sense to smile at somebody you know but I have observed that they smile at strangers as well. There is a girl that always smiles at me, I don't smile back at her. Why therefore does she persist in doing this?
Perhaps it is a way of trying to let others know that they are not a threat or that they are just feeling happy. A girl smiling at you may sometimes mean that she likes you- perhaps by smiling they are trying to make you feel relaxed and initiate some form of social interaction (in general, people start talking to each other if the other person seems to be in an approachable mood.) I'm not really that sure though. I don't smile very much but it is not an indication of my mood. Perhaps more people would talk to me if I tried to remember to smile...Mind you, I don't actually like the way my face changes when I smile either.
Sometimes people nod and give a slight smile (usually older people)- again it may have something to do with putting someone else at ease/signaling that they don't wish to be considered a threat, or maybe they are just acknowledging another person's prescence.
I thought I sort of knew when I began this reply but I guess I don't know for sure either.
Also, it should be remembered that some people may smile and use other non-threatening body language to hide the fact that they intend to harm you etc. There are different types of smiles too, apparently.
Hopefully others will be able to explain it better.
Greetings,
I would say the smile is just a silent way of saying good morning / good afternoon etc. Its just a polite gesture. Just smile back (if you can avoid worrying about whether or not your smile looks fake or not and how they will interpret it) :razz:
However there is a deeper possibility to consider. The first reaction of any person upon seeing another person - whether they mean to or not - is to conduct a 'threat assessment' (goes back to the cave man days). If they are unsure about the person, sometimes that smile or 'hello' can be a way of alleviating their initial fear and saying 'I come in peace' or something like that...
Well, ppl also smile because of being in a good mood/happy. Or thinking of something funny - that does not have to have something to do with the one they look at.
They can smile when they are insecure of the situation they are in - kind of in which social relation they are with the one they are smiling at. They even smile when they are angry (and are not in the position to show that feeling to someone superior) to cover their feelings.
And, for someone who can't read all those different smiles (for me they tend to look the same) and who does not know all the social facts to decide what kind of situation one is in, it is really hard to know what kind of smile it is.
But a girl smiling at you every time she meets you, probably means that she likes you and might like to talk to you. It's probably an "initiate social contact" smile unless you look threatening to her then it might be an "I'd rather be a friend than a foe" smile. AND it depends on your and the girls age.
The likelyhood of one or the other type of smile changes with age.
So, depending on your own feelings (are you attracted by her or do you only want to be polite) for the girl you should decide what reaction you show to that smile. Being polite would mean: give her a little nod and make a friendly face, smiling is not neccessary. Then she should understand you are not hostile, but not interested. If you concider her as a possible friend you should try to smile at her, maybe in combination with a nod or a friendly "Hi" (or whatever greeting will be reasonable in your group of age/peer group). Then she can decide if she wants to establish a contact, usually by finding a reason ("What's the time?", "When will the next bus go to...?" etc.) to talk to you or ask a question.
Such a question is not always only to get the answer, it might be a try to get into a conversation. So if you stay to the facts, her attempt fails. To be sure you don't misinterpret such a question, you should give the asked information and do a polite-interested question in return (if you are interested in that girl, otherwise not), like: "It's half past twelve. I hope you did not miss an appointment".
It might be easier if you think of possible answers before coming in such a situation. At least it's been easier for me when I was young.
Sibylle
In my job I'm always having to meet/greet parents when they pick up their kids after class. Because I'm virtually face-blind to all but a few people (I know the kids in my class by their relative body sizes, haircuts and voices) I often don't know which parent I'm speaking to, so find that smiling is a good way of breaking the ice when I can't remember their name. Then of course the child spots its parent and yells "Mummy" or "Daddy" at the top of it's lungs and from that I make the association of who they are.
Because it's work policy I wear a niftly little name-tag on my collar at work so the parent's know who I am. I would wish they did the same!
Alison
My former therapist encouraged me to smile since some people think that smiling will actually make you feel in a better mood. People also were kinder to me even when I do not speak if I am smiling all the time. Usually I just have a natural blank look. I have been told that if I am concentrating on something and have a blank look and hold my mouth open a bit (mouth breather, stuffed up nose) that it makes me look stupid and people start treating me badly.
I've had NT colleagues ask me "have I offended you in some way?" when I'm thinking about something ie not concentrating on projecting emotions for their comfort. Even Vernu has said that my "natural" facial expression is grim and can look a bit forbidding. This has always surprised me as I'm one of the world's natural marshmellows (full of empty calories, but quite sweet :grin: ) and certainly not at all grim in outlook.
Alison
I'm NT and new here. I can tell you that I smile because I am happy, because it is a neutral way of saying hello to people walk by on the street, because it shows interest in the person. There are many reasons to smile, and most of them are positive and show that you acknowledge the other person.
When someone knocks on my door and they want to sell me something, why exactly are they smiling then? As a confidence trick?
When you said 'it shows interest in the person' how are you interested in the person if you dont know them? Or are you interested in people in general?
The question is, how do you know when someone's smile is because they are mentally laughing at something they are thinking about, or even about YOU.
Ths is the problem, how can you possibly tell, and then act accordingly.
you can kind of tell because it isn't as much as a smile as a smirking at you
That is one problem, detecting more complex facial expressions.
There is a smile test, and a facial expression test online, and it is hard to tell the fake smile, or the smirking etc.
Hmmm, okay I'm gonna do my best to explain why I smile at people in the street.
I guess first and formost it is a way of boosting my confidence - the old saying "smile and the world smiles back" is certainly true and it can be a real buzz to have someone smile back at you.
Someone mentioned earlier the link back to when we were cave dwellers which interested me so I did a little research into it and discovered this little extract which expresses it better then I can.
Why did our ancestors need to smile?
Though they did not attend a lot of cocktail parties where they needed to smile and make small talk, our caveman ancestors did run into other cavemen they did not know. So they smiled as they approached a stranger to say, “I am harmless. Don’t pick up your spear and kill me.” In fact, it is the oldest form of expression --to show a desire to cooperate. So even when the smile was a football field away, the caveman noticing his approaching knew the smile was safe and he shouldn’t be afraid.
I wouldn't be overly surprised to discover this was still one of the main reasons why we smile at each other in the street. It helps to mask any insecurities we may be feeling about our situation and if you smile long enough it can give you a huge sense of well-being.
So yeah, friendly non-threatning gesture. Oh yeah while researching this also found this.
How can you tell if someone is giving a sincere smile?
Look at the eyes not the mouth. When looking for a real smile we usually look for a zygomatic smile because it uses the zygomatic major muscle that runs from the cheekbone down at an angle to the corner of the lips. In a zygomatic smile, the lips turn up significantly at the corners and the cheeks seem to lift up. This smile makes us look happy. When the media outlets like US Weekly send me photographs of celebrity couples, I look first for that smile.
The lower part of the face however is easy for someone to manipulate, so the person could be giving a fake smile.
The upper part of the face is key. We often look for the little wrinkles at the middle outside corner of the eyes. Most people call them crow’s feet, but I call them happy feet. Michael Douglas inevitably has those wrinkles when he has his wife on his arm. Again that still may fool us. We still don’t know just from crow’s feet if someone is happy or he wants to look happy.
Typically, when someone is really happy their brow lowers and their eyes seem smaller. So look specifically at the muscles that surround the eye socket. The muscles around the outer part of the eyes are hard to consciously control; only ten percent of the population can do it. So a real smile, that is one from joy, contracts the circle of muscles around the eyes. You also look at the brows overall and see if they lift from the person’s normal resting position.
Movement is key. If are you with a person as they smile, look for the wave. No, not the football stadium arm wave, the face wave. A real smile seems to crest over the face like a wave, changing very rapidly from a small facial movement around the lips and lifting the sides of the face and the eyes then the brows into a broad open expression. Put your hands flat over your face right now. Let your face relax. Now think of a cute puppy, your favorite sitcom star or say money and smile. Did you feel your hands move up? Did you also notice saying the word "money" creates the wave; kind of funny isn’t it?
Timing is important. Just like other facial expressions, the smile occurring with the person’s words and emotions tells you if it is heartfelt. Typically, a person will feel happy, smile and then say something happy. Feel -show - say. If you ask them if they are in a good mood and they say, “Sure.’ Then they hesitate, then smile, they are not feeling that smiley.
Listen to the voice. The timbre of the voice of a real smile is so distinctly different from a fake smiler that the blind have no trouble distinguishing the voice of someone giving a real smile. You can tell when someone is smiling when you talk to them on the phone.
I hope that provides some insite.
Yours in randomness!
RG
This is difficult. Maybe I could learn by watching other people in coffee shops or such. I watch films alot but I usually struggling with trying to understand the dialogue that I miss the faces. I watch with the captions on because of auditory processing disorder. I find I am too busy to watch the whole face when I am busy watching the mouth when people talk.
[quote="itsok4) Basically as an NT I think the whole non-verbal stuff is just NTs stimming together. [/quote]
:lol:
I am surprised at the many shop clerk that do not smile or make eye contact. They must do this only at job interviews.
I was working at some place where they called people on the phone alot. They would do this really happy cheery voice but they would be giving people the finger while they were talking.