Aspies For Freedom

All of a sudden, I was thrown outside into a puddle. But how did this happen? Let me explain from the beginning. It all started when everybody arrived. Uncle Barry, his girlfriend Nikki, her mom Jean, my dad Mike, my mom Kim, Granny, and Pap. As usual, I was first to the presents. I just can’t wait! So I didn’t pay attention to the “TO” names on the large colorfully wrapped boxes. So I opened up Barry’s beef jerky, Mom’s toaster oven, Jean’s broom, Nikki’s air freshener, Granny’s Sprout Your Own Veggies kit, Dad’s wrench, and even a Guinness Book Of World Records for Pap. In a half hour, I had already messed up the broom bristles by playing “air guitar” with it, flipped through Guinness’s book seven times, sniffed the air freshener until I sneezed, potted the veggies, ruined the plumbing with the wrench (I twisted it in the wrong direction, causing the basement to be half submerged), and even set up the toaster oven to cook the beef jerky to the extreme! Yowch! And I thought it was spicy enough before! Then my family came down in the basement to open their presents to find that the broom was ruined, the book had wild pages, the veggies were in the pots, the beef jerky was eaten, the toaster oven was on, the basement was half-submerged, and many other things were already used. And NONE of my presents were even opened, just moved out of the way. “What did you do?” said Mom. “You ruined my broom!” said Jean. “You got boogers all over your face! Did you sniff my air freshener repeatedly?” Nikki said. “Gross!” said Barry. “I know.” “You used my wrench to ruin the plumbing!” “My book looks like Granny’s hair!” “Hey!” The screaming continued along with a couple insults: “You are a total insult to the spirit of Christmas!” “You need some manners!” Yeah, that’s how it went. So then, I escaped to the downstairs bathroom, which was also half-submerged so my head was close to the ceiling. I locked the door. All of a sudden, my whole family was blocking the door so I naturally spent ten minutes in there. Everything seemed quiet for the last six minutes, probably because it was time to start preparing dinner, so I tried to unlock the door. But the door couldn’t budge. Then I found a cell phone lying on a shelf. I picked it up and dialed 1-911-I-AM-TRAPPED-IN-A-STINKY-OLD-BATHROOM-SO-I-NEED-THE-FIRE-DEPARTMENT-IMMEADIATELY. At least that’s what I think that does. I waited thirty minutes (I think) and no ring or anything! Then finally a ring. I picked it up. The caller said, “Pardonez-moi sil vous plait?” Of course I don’t understand French very well. The phone number was in ENGLISH! Some commercials can be such hoaxes. I learned that phone number from a commercial anyway! So I finally pounded on the door and it came open. So I went out of there and went into the kitchen to find seven angry adults just standing there! They all muttered the same thing. “What are you doing here? You think opening and using other people’s presents is funny?” So I started to give them a “good impression.” Actually, a dozen. “It’s-a me, Mario! Oh, Mama Mia! I’m ready, I’m ready! Luke, I am your father. I HAVE FURY!!! That’s all, folks!” I continued until I did twelve impressions. No laugh, not even a snicker. Everybody appeared to be angry and not highly amused. So I walked into the living room. Everybody’s a critic. In the living room, I felt like I was being dismayed by those people out there. I turned on the TV to find a pro skateboarder doing a variety of different tricks. It was good! But at the end, I saw a bunch of beefs. That same skater just flew into the air and fell on his head on the halfpipe. Then he was on the loop-de-loop. He went too fast from it and ended up falling into a nearby construction site. But the worst thing of all was when he slipped off his skateboard on the loop-de-loop and got almost run over by a car. I winced. Then Mom called me to the table. At the table, I scooped all of the cherry gelatin onto my plate. Mmm-mmm! I then picked up my Dr. Pepper and began pouring all of it into my mouth. Then I burped. I burped again. I burped again. I burped so much that I embarrassed everybody at the table and they threw me out into a puddle. That’s where you came in. So I climbed out of the puddle with my wet sweatpants and soaked T-shirt on and into the garage. I was cold and was likely to get pneumonia, but I didn’t. In the garage, I stepped into the car and grabbed a towel. I wrapped it around myself. Then I climbed out and locked the door. I went back into the house through the front door. I scurried into the bathroom and took off all of my clothes except for my underwear. Then I went into Granny’s room and snatched some safety pins. I then pinned towels together around my waist and my body. Then I put my hair into a towel turban. Eventually, it dried. Then I climbed into the back seat of the car and Mom drove home with me and all of my unopened presents. She didn’t even notice me, but she later apologized to me about the anger. I forgave her. THE END.