I`m very worried about my 12 year old son . He has been diagnosed with a Social Communications Disorder although the paediatrician says there is almost no doubt that he has Aspergers . We are seeing another paediatrician soon to get a clearer diagnosis .
He is very bright and learns easily He has Gr.4 piano and Gr3 french horn .He can be caring and considerate . He is totally obsessive currently his interests are tropical fish/rugby and 70`s rock , So far so good!!
He does not however moderate his behaviour at school and lacks subtilty .In the last two schools he was at a group of sophisticated children kept making fun of him . He will not tell an adult and eventually hits or throws something at the other children Our son does not seem to tell his side and comes across as rude and even aggressive . We have stepped in on frequent occassions and then you gat labelled as unsupportive parents which can make life even more difficult for our son.How can we help him??
We have seen a familiar scenario reoccur in 3 different schools and keep talking it over with our son but he seems unable to change his pattern of response . Non AS children can be very convincing when explaining their side to teachers but my son and I am sure many A.S children do not have the social skills to put over their side and so they get in trouble which is added power to those who want to taunt them.
Thanks for your understanding.
Thanks .It is good to remind me of the long term effects of bullying .I have now made an appointment to see the SENCO to ask for help .
My fear is that I will run into conflict with the school as I did in another school as they would not believe that my son was being bullied . They said that he was the bully .They eventually excluded HIM for two days
Some times in schools I think that you can get a type of collective bullying where one child is turned on by a gang of cool kids and they will all back up each others stories to the teachers . My son will just sit there looking angry and saying nothing and this can be taken as a sign of guilt .There is so much lack of understanding in schools . I know I`m a teacher as well as a Mum and I know from the staffroom how little real sympathy there is for Aspie kids . Its`often seen as an excuse for bad beahviour
This is a very tricky subject for schools. Even w/ a written letter from my daugther's teacher stating that she was being "victimized" by other students in her class, the principal BLAMED my daughter saying she was a classic victim. How? By walking the halls with her head down and preferring to be alone. Along w/ Aspergers she has difficult with her eyesite, and I found this unreal! I told my daughter, speak up for yourself ~ guess what? She was then considered a tattle tail AND the aggressive one for taking the other kids too personally.
You need to find out what the schools have on bullies...ie here in my state they have the No Tolerance attitude (As you see it's not always inforced) And keep making it known as a parent what's going on.
Another thing to help your son is sensory stories...I don't know if you've heard of them, but it helps literal teaching what to do in such situations. An example might be:
If I am bullied by so and so my options are: Tell a teacher right away(state an example of what one could say.)
Walk Away.
(use an example of what child can do away.)
Speak up to the bully.
(thus have what someone might say in that situation.)
It takes time, a lot of time...And ususally when Teachers see that a student has changed schools ( I did w/ my daughter) they assume that student might be the problem. So you need to be the advocate many many times in a school year.
Hope this helped....hoping you the best success w/ your son and his school...
Reading all this makes me so grateful for my son's current school. I know not all schools are like his, and I know his next school is not likely to be the same but, for now, he is in a (relatively) safe place.
How bullying is dealt with at a school goes beyond the school's policy and even beyond the personality of the children involved, and carries onto the parents. I was uncomfortable talking to parents about things I discovered had happened, but I have since learned that these parents WANT to know. They don't want their kids to be bullies. The attitude that teasing and bullying is NOT OK is carried through from every teacher and aid, to the principle, and to the other parents.
The parents for my son's friends know about his diagnosis. Their kids know that my son's brain works a little different. The pervasive attitude is to be patient with him, although that does NOT mean they have to accept hitting or problem behaviors from him - those are for my son to work on, and he knows it.
This year we are even getting friendly overtures from the one child my son long ago proclaimed his life long enemy. The two have so many friends in common, who have all told this child that sure, my son is quirky, but he can be pretty cool, too.
It also helps that I am involved in the school and in a position to be "nice" or "not nice" to kids, helping with transportation to events, and so on. When one of my son's good friends tried to put my son's head in a toilet (he swore he wasn't ever going to actually do it, and it was a big kid's idea), him and I had a little heart to heart - first, that he has to take responsibility for his own actions and not do something he knows is wrong, even if another kid is trying to force him to, and second, that if he isn't nice to ALL the kids at school, then I see no reason that I have to be nice to him. That did the trick. My son says things have been GREAT since then.
Some people may wonder why I didn't try to get the child into more trouble over such a serious incident. It's simple, and that is I felt all along that what I said would be more powerful. I never told his mother, for I know he would have had severe consequences, and I felt I could get the message through without that. My son needs these kids to become friends, not entrenched enemies, and resolving it the way I did allowed that.
But, I guess I'm not living in the real world right now. I really dread the day that we have to. I hope I can give my son all the right tools before then.
Still, one thing to learn: relatively safe places DO exist, and it may be worth changing schools. Yes, we have had unfortunate incidents, but it means the world to how they affect my son when those incidents are resolved with everyone agreeing they should never have happened.
This thread brings back bad memories for me - part of the reason I've completely blocked most memories from elementary school out of my mind forever. It was 6 years of living hell - I'm 20, and I'm still trying to learn to forgive those who did that to me. The bully culture in schools is a troubling thing for me, based on my experiences. People complain about the rise of violence in schools, but still consider bullying to be socially appropriate behavior.
I would definitely continue to make sure the school emerges from the 1955 mindset and takes a look at reality. Bullying is not acceptable under any circumstances. If I ever have a child being bullied or am in a position where other kids are being bullied, the proverbial gloves will be coming off. Don't let your son be haunted by memories like I have been - keep up the good fight and force the school to deal with it.
I am really grateful to all who have replied and as a result of reading the responses I feel empowered to put pressure on the school to take action against those that are bullying my son.It is so sad to hear from those whose lives have been or are blighted by school bullying
Too often for my liking. Much as I hate to say this, some bullies will only desist after one of their targets gives them a thorough hiding. Other bullies can be reached if you get them away from their peer group and teach them to be more considerate of other people's feelings. There is usually a ringleader and if a teacher is vigilant, they will pick up on who that person is.
Teachers have so much expected of them these days but I still think it is a severe cop-out to say that the victim was to blame. What? for existing? And as for the advice to "keep away from the bullies" - they make it a point to stalk and target weaker children.
thanks for all the comments ..I have found all contributions veru useful. My son has not been involved in any other incidents recently but I am maintaining an on-going dialogue with the Senco , Head of Year and class teacher .
I have also found a very useful book called Perfect Targets by Rebekah Heinrichs which focusses on the complexities of bullying in relation to Aspergers Syndrome . I would recommend it very highly to any other parents struggling with thes issues .
My son (now 10) never accepted bullying in a passive way. In fact he always reacts to it, o rather, "overreacts", i.e. punching the bully. The ridiculous results is that then my son is punished and sent home from school for the punching or hurting of the other child :roll: Of course, school staff barely believes that my son reacted to an act of bullying.
It is a very difficult situation because then at home we do not know how to deal with the aftermath of the punishment. In a way I am happy that my son does not let bullies stomp upon him, but on the other side I strongly disapprove the use of violence and I would like that he'd reach for one of the teaching or aide staff rather than seeking justice by himself.
I agree with whoever pointed out earlier that it seems to be a life-long problem for an Aspie.
Martina
Your son has the right idea.
However, were I his father, I would calmly go into the school and explain to its supervisor, be it a principal or whatever, that I will not tolerate further attempts to convince him that pacifism is a socially acceptable way to deal with bullying. During one schooling year, I was getting sent home for things other children said I did when I was on the other side of the grounds. This is really nothing more than the school participating in the bullying, in a manner it has managed to make legal.
My son (now 10) never accepted bullying in a passive way. In fact he always reacts to it, o rather, "overreacts", i.e. punching the bully.
My daughter Lauren is the same, although not as much now that she's nearly fifteen. We were once in the ridiculous situation of a mother coming up to me with her HUGE seventeen year old son in tow, and giving me a hard time because my then-twelve year old daughter had got fed up with this guy whacking her with a ruler during recess and given him a black eye. (I should mention I've taught her a lot of Tae Kwondo moves!) This woman only shut up when Lauren joined us to give her side of the story and it was pretty obvious from the size difference alone that her six foot tall son was laying it on a bit thick about how he'd been "bullied" by this big (four foot eleven) mean girl.
Alison
Your son has the right idea.
However, were I his father, I would calmly go into the school and explain to its supervisor, be it a principal or whatever, that I will not tolerate further attempts to convince him that pacifism is a socially acceptable way to deal with bullying. During one schooling year, I was getting sent home for things other children said I did when I was on the other side of the grounds. This is really nothing more than the school participating in the bullying, in a manner it has managed to make legal.
The problem is that my son does not go anymore in that school and that we ended up almost in legal litigation with the principal (who has in general a very arrogant attitude towards parents). It was *impossible* to speak calmly with this man.
I am now more covinced than ever that school do more damage than good to children. Any child, Aspie or NT :mad:
My daughter Lauren is the same, although not as much now that she's nearly fifteen. We were once in the ridiculous situation of a mother coming up to me with her HUGE seventeen year old son in tow, and giving me a hard time because my then-twelve year old daughter had got fed up with this guy whacking her with a ruler during recess and given him a black eye. (I should mention I've taught her a lot of Tae Kwondo moves!) This woman only shut up when Lauren joined us to give her side of the story and it was pretty obvious from the size difference alone that her six foot tall son was laying it on a bit thick about how he'd been "bullied" by this big (four foot eleven) mean girl.
Alison
My son is the same. He's quite small for his age and, until a couple of years ago, also quite thin (now, i must say, he's becoming quite muscular and athletic :wink: ). One of the worst incidents happened around that time when he was quite small and thin: a quite BIG girl, more or less the same age but at least three inches taller than him was a famous bully in his class (she changed school soon after, thank goodness). She had pestered my son all year around (I had eye-witness stories from other kids in the class and even from the teacher) when, one day, he could not take anymore of her bullying him and in the yard reacted very badly kicking and punching her. She pretended to lose consciousness (the teacher herself recognised that this was a common tactic of defence for her), and my son was suspended for three days, missing also the school's sports day that he was really looking forward to. Moreover, he got very upset because he thought that she REALLY lost consciousness (which of course wasn't true...) and felt terribly guilty afterwards. Her mother had also the cheek to complain to the school (at the time there was a more intelligent principal who ignored her), which was really surreal, as this woman also complained in the past for the presence of another ASD child in her beloved daughter class. No wonder the daughter was a bully.
Now you know why I don't like schools.
Martina
I told my father not long after the book-burning thing that if some principal proposed to do to my child what one did to me, I would tell him that he best get out of my sight and treat my child with reverence before I decide... well, let's just say Vlad Tepes would approve.