Aspies For Freedom

The teasing/bullying is very familiar. He is unfortunately going through a typical aspie experience, the other children should have been punished, but more often the aspie is focused on as being the problem.

Really the bullies should be the ones who have to change. Does the school have any anti-bullying policy? I am not sure where you live, in the UK currently they are attempting to stop bullying with various awareness messages and have been handing out those message bracelets to schoolkids.

Hi fitzron,

I'm sorry to hear about your son's situation -- unfortunately, as Amy said, many, many Asperger's (myself included) have been or are on the receiving end of bullying.  I can't emphasize enough how important it is for you to intervene here -- obviously you already are and that is terrific.  But, just to let you know -- the bullying issue now is bad -- but the effects of bullying can be lifelong.  The more your son has to endure now, the worse it might be for him in the future (depending on his personality).

I don't like painting such a dire picture here -- I don't want to scare you about the consequences, but I think it's important for you to really understand the gravity of the situation.  I'm so glad for your son's sake that you are trying to help him out with this situation.  Good for you!  And, do keep it up until the problem is resolved.

I fully agree with Amy -- the onus is on the side of the bullies here to change their behavior -- NOT your son (unless, of course, he is instigating something here, but from the sounds of it he is not).  You need to make that crystal clear to the school authorities that your son is not to blame -- and, perhaps, you need to threaten the school authorities with taking the issue farther on -- to whomever is higher up, see what I mean?  (I don't know who that might be in your case.)  These bullies are not going to stop until they are threatened with some severe punishment -- and that is not going to happen unless you press your son's case forward with all intensity.

Also, aren't there any public health authorities or social services agencies you can go to for help in this situation?  Someone in a position of authority who would understand your son's condition should be able to communicate the issue to the school authorities.

Sorry for rambling so much about this, but your son's situation just reminded me of my own at that age.  In my case, I was teased and bullied for several years without any resolve until a couple of kids physically assaulted me.  Finally, at that point, my mother intervened properly and went to the police (and rightly so!).  I was not very popular with any of the 'cool' kids afterwards -- but I never desired that and, thankfully, after that point they left me alone.

I happened to find this book online -- I don't know if it's any good, but you might want to check it out >>

http://www.aspergerinformation.org/

Best of luck to you and your son,
AspieGirl

This is exactly what appeared to be happening to my daughter earlier this year.

Although my daughter is NT she does have a problem with communicating her side of the story, she is very shy towards her teachers and will just agree with what they say as opposed to telling her side of an incident.

Like you I had to intervene. To make the school take my complaints seriously I started by writting a very long letter to the school, in my letter I outlined all incidents over the past year and a half that led up to what was happening at the time. I explained that my daughter will not defend her actions verbally. I pointed out that the school has a moral and legal duty for the physical and mental well being of my daughter, and that they were failing in thier duty. I pointed out that she had become very aggressive (only at home though).

I finished off the letter by asking for a copy of the schools bullying policy. (Al schools in England have to have a bullying policy) Then you can go through it with the teachers to make sure they are sticking to the policy.

Is the problem with the school because they do not understand your childs communication problems? Do you need to explain to them the full implications of your childs problems? Sometimes you have to keep repeating yourself giving plenty of examples.

The school need to look at why your child is behaving in the manner he is, not just look at what he is doing. Is he hitting out in frustration?

I consider myself lucky that I only had to have two meetings with the school to resolve this issue - the outcome was that one child was hitting the other kids involved in the bullying. If they were nice to my daughter this girl would hit them and hit them hard.

At the moment my daughter writes in a diary every day everything that has happened at school both good and bad. Her teachers ask daily if anything has happened and they then check in her diary. So far any small incidents have stayed just that.

If after meedting with the school senco the situation remains unresolved make an urgent appointment with the schools headteacher, after this you should complain to the school governers, legally it is the school governers responsibility.

Have you contacted IPSEA I found them very usefull - they will tell you the exact wording you need to put in any letter - they tell you the laws and when the school find out you know the law and your sons rights  they usually start to take your complaint seriously.

I hope all goes well and you can both sort the problem out quickly.
Stay stong  


paula

"Even w/ a written letter from my daugther's teacher stating that she was being "victimized" by other students in her class, the principal BLAMED my daughter saying she was a classic victim."



The 'blame the victim' rubbish should have died long ago. It has been used for spousal abuse, rape, and sexual abuse, aswell as bullying.
Its a pathetic excuse to avoid putting responsibility on the perpetrators.

Hi.
You mention the sophistication of the other pupils- I was wondering how much of the bullying your son actually both recognises AND understands. If you don't fully understand the bullying (drawing on own experience as child and adult) then you cannot take the initial steps to resolve the problem- sometimes he may be 'fuzzily aware' that he is being bullied but not understand it enough to even be able to explain it to anyone (let alone how it makes him feel). Additionally, an aspie child has to negotiate the line between 'gentle teasing' and genuinely nasty teasing. If he reports 'gentle teasing' as bullying behaviour Teachers will ignore him after a while (even though sustained 'gentle teasing' can be really upsetting for an aspie). Conversely, if a child is unsure, they may end up letting proper bullying go unreported and get in trouble (blamed) for not reporting it. It is a complete nightmare!

   The result of the above, as you have experienced, is what happened to me sometimes as a child. The 'fuzzy awareness' that you are being abused/bullied  happens more often and you end in a state of confusion and sustained high anxiety. Say someone says something with a double meaning combined with an 'indecipherable' facial expression (followed by more of the same in rapid succession from other bullies) - how on earth is an aspie child to cope with that? How is he going to be able to explain it?  Most of the time he can't. The odds are stacked against you being able to deal with the situation in the  instructed way. The pressure has built up and a (seemingly) innapropriate response out of proportion to the current situation ensues. You are then perceived to be the problem.

   So, it is one thing to go through with him what he needs to do and quite another for him to understand what's going on in order to apply this knowledge (the list of actions he should take). Of course, this isn't the point when the bullying is transparent to him.

   I am sorry if this is depressing. It can extend into adulthood too.

   Ok. What can you do?

   Suggestions.
  
    If you think any of what I said makes sense or applies to your son then every time he gets the 'fuzzy awareness' that he is being bullied, then he should be able to tell a pre-arranged teacher(s) that he thinks it is going on but can't explain and is distressed/getting anxious. Then this must be written down- time,place and who's involved. Maybe this way everyone could be in a position to monitor things and take steps to avoid him  taking innapropriate action. Failing this, after any event, there will be a record of reports that can be referred to in a parent-teacher meeting. If he doesn't feel that he has to explain exactly what is going on, but can say 'I think they are bullying me' or 'i feel distressed' then maybe that is a small but positive step.

    None of this addresses the attitude of the school or individual teachers though but what else can we do? Unfortunately, some schools 'deal' with the problem by making things so horrible for the child/parents that they withdraw the child-- problem solved- for them.

   What to do after his 'reports' of feeling stressed because he thinks he is being bullied but can't quite explain, is also going to be difficult. But maybe making the teachers aware at the time in this way may make them keep an eye out for that hour/day etc and perhaps avoid an incident. getting the bullies dealt with is always going to be hard though. Especially, as you say they often club together to defend themselves and implicate your son.

   Have you thought about a dictaphone type device? It may sound extreme but it could conceivably help- even if he can't immediately understand, if he suspects, then you or a teacher can listen and make the judgement.

    Finally, although it sounds unlikely from what you say, it is the teachers who must also strive to modify their expectations and subsequent behaviour in order that they can help your son. Instead of getting angry at him for not responding, staring at the floor or making up a swift lie/excuse (sad isn't it - getting in trouble for not being able to lie well enough?) they should empathise (NTs are supposed to be good at that one) and try a different way of going about things  and not misinterpret his body language (another sadly ironic occurence).

   Hope some of this helps a little - or have you already decided to move on?

Take care.

Hello again fitzron,

I was just wondering how things are going with your son and if you had a chance to speak with the school (or other) authories yet.  Any progress?  I hope so!

AspieGirl   :smile:

Amy, I couldn't agree more. There is no excuse for bullying and for teachers to say the victim brought it upon themselves is just a cop-out because they don't want to tackle the problem.

School bullies who are unchecked end up being workplace bullies and nasty to any poor people who have the misfortune to live with/marry them. I've found that bullying got worse after I left school and all too often, I am made out to be at fault because I don't communicate emotions well and eventually "snap" after continued stress and get very agitated.

I don't get on so well with other women in general because female authority figures condoned the bullying and added to it and most of the perpetrators were females.

I know this really nice young man who has autism. He and his brother were bullied in school but it was put back onto them that they were "inviting it in some way". I think the bullies should have got detentions and if bad enough, got expelled from the school.

The welfare of the child who is being bullied should be paramount even if it does mean being unpopular for defending them. If their family won't help them out, who will?

How often have we all heard that?  

I used to be in the same situation.  There's three things you have to do.

1. Talk to the school directors and tell them to take into account the child's story no matter HOW the child may appear.  Otherwise, it's preferiencial treatment and make it clear that you'll consider this a very serious issue.
2. Talk to the child and explain that he or she must tell his/her side of the story or else the school will only have one side, even if the child thinks nothing good will come of it.  Explain that if he doesn't tell his/her side, then it's 100% sure that nothing will change.  That worked for me anyways.
3. Go to the police if everything else fails.  Go to school board meetings first though.  My dad was great at this.  He'd poke his nose in everywhere's until they took notice, and he didn't even understand what I had at the time.  AS and autism weren't even in the vocabulary of the time.

Make sure to imply that you'll make them all just as miserable as your kid is until this is resolved.  That this is a VERY serious issue that should be dealt with.  You have to basically be a *** while not appearing as such.

Another thing is you have to talk to your kid about how to get help and also what ratting and being a momma's boy is about.  After he tells his story, he's most likely to be labelled a rat.  Your son needs something to say to contradict this or else he'll have the beating of his life.  He needs to be clear and say to the bullies or whomever else calls him a rat that they brought this on themselves and that he's not prepared to protect anyone who treats him that way.  That whatever trouble they get, they brought it on themselves.  The kid has to make it clear that he's fed up and will not back down.  There is a code on the playground that if they don't cover your back then you don't need to cover for them.  If he makes this clear by spelling it out, it COULD save him from some trouble.  But then again, you never know.  Your son has to say this while looking straight at the person though.  May be harder than it seems.

If the other kids told their story, then he can just say "you did the same, so there".

Second, asking a teacher or especially a parent is sure to be disaster for the child.  This is worse than being a rat I think.  A better way is to tell your kid to stay in view of a teacher if he's being teased and tell the teacher after recess where the other kids don't all see him.  He should also explain the reason why he waited.  If he's getting beat up, that's a whole other story though.

There are tricks to the trade and a lot of them aren't that hard.  Unfortunately, there's just no way to solve all the problems.  Probably the best is to just stay in view of a teacher for a while until he gets the hang of it.  Little by little, he has to make friends even if they're not the strongest or popular on the playground.  With high enough numbers, at least there's a group effect there.  If he defends just one friend/person no matter who, then he's part of the group.  He has to use his loyalty to his advantage but at the same time not get one pulled over him.  If he helps someone out, then they will owe him one (but make sure that it's never spoken of.  That's a no-no and voids the owing him one and will probably cause some backlash.)

There's just too much to handle though.  No one's gonna be able to tell him how these games are played but you, the parent.  No kid even knows what is actually going on.  Plus, there are others getting picked on.  You'd be amazed what just defending one person, even if only by presence or vocally, will do for your "rep".  Also, as kids, they can be made to believe things if you look convincing.  Tough? yes, but doable.

Is it the junk food that he's obsessed with, or the machine itself?  Maybe he's fascinated with the workings of the machine and doesn't really care what kind of food is in it.

Have you asked the school officials to put healthier foods in the snack machine?  Kids shouldn't be stuffing their faces with junk food, no matter what their neurological type may be.

Welcome to AFF!   :smile:


edit... another thought, if they won't put healthier foods in the snack machine at school, maybe you can find another vending machine somewhere else that has healthier foods, and you can take your son there as a reward when he behaves well.

He should also be punished when he takes money from you (he's likely to get himself into serious trouble with the law if that sort of behavior isn't punished consistently).

Hi LostmetoAB, is it a regular school, or special school?


At home I would not buy any of the junk food that he is obsessed with, except for one item per day of something that he liked, then each day he could have one treat if he had behaved.

I would make sure any money in the house was secure/hidden so that he would not be able to take it and would hopefully lose interest in it once it became impossible.

This phase should pass and something else will take its place in due course, as often happens with these type of obsessions. My son has had a stream of them.

As Bonnie says it could be the workings of the machine, the fascination with it, as much as the food itself.

If he just has the one treat a day at home, it may gradually seem less exciting and he can move on to be interested in something else.

It is a shame that schools use machines like that, as they know its a great attraction.

Does he play games online, such as neopets? They have games with food machines where you win food for the pets. It could be a safe alternative if he got interested in playing on such a site, as you could then limit the computer time to what was reasonable.

I personally wouldn't push him to go to the Youth Group unless he enjoys it, otherwise it's teaching him that socail interaction is uncomfortable. Ask him how he feels about it, and if there is something he would prefer, like swimming.

How long is he banned from playing the video games for?

If he has a strong special interest in the games then it will be really important to him. It would be like you being told that you were in solitary confinement for a week and not allowed to talk to anyone else at all.

The enjoyment that other people get from social events (which it seems he is not interested in, thats not uncommon) he will be getting from the games.

Is there anything else you can use to punish him, or only deny them for 24 hours?

LostMe2AB, I hope you are not telling your son that he can't have "what the normal kids have."  That would be very distressing for a child to hear because it would make him feel like a defective person.

If your son has medical issues that prevent him from eating certain foods, it would be kinder and more considerate of his feelings not to bring such foods into the house.

Also, if he is on an "alternative" diet because of his autism, have you discussed this with his regular pediatrician or another mainstream doctor?  There are many quack diets and supplements being marketed, and some of them can be harmful to a child's health.