Aspies For Freedom

Hi, I am an adult with autism and was only diagnosed 2 years ago. Part of the reason I eventually got diagnosed was that all the "therapies" I tried for "depression", "social phobia", "shyness" and the like never worked.

Mainly this is because there is a gap between my being told what to do and actually being able to integrate all my thoughts to do it. Also, it is like the therapist is setting themselves up as a parent figure who knows more than me and that is something that never sat well, even when I was a child. I used to sometimes think that my teachers weren't too bright, when they gave a particularly silly (to me at least) instruction.

Often the child or adult with autism is brighter than the therapist and can soon pick holes in their arguments and instructions even if they don't verbalise these thoughts.

I am rather sick of going to therapists since having hurtful comments made to me such as "you'd be more popular if you dressed better (whatever happened to inner beauty), "you're slower than all my other patients", "you just don't want to help yourself" and "you're lazy".

From conversations with others with Aspergers, I find that they have similar experiences to recount.

I think it is most important to let children with autism be themselves more without submitting them to intrusive treatments of doubtful validity. I would have resisted that kind of thing as a child, even though at the time it was thought I was "normal" but maybe a bit odd.

Sometimes classes in assertiveness will help as autistic children are often bullied; and also specific coaching on some social skills. I personally think that it's better to spend the money that would have been used on expensive treatments to get something nice for the child that they would enjoy eg. a computer.

Yes, I'm one of the luckier ones. There are many ASD adults who can't find work and don't have reliable housing. They are more in need of services. The best thing parents can do for their ASD kids is accept them and not force them into changing into someone they aren't.

Good on you Rae May for resisting the emotional blackmail some people have imposed on you. I'm not completely anti-therapy but think some therapies are far too expensive and intrusive to be worthwhile.

Thanks Tenaciouscj,
I read your earlier psot and I am sorry your therapists made you feel bad.
I've always thought that if it was too invasive or expensive it's probably not being done for the right reasons. I defiantly agree with what Amy was saying about the cost of these therapies too. It's not the government's duty to provide them and the funds would be better spent elsewhere within the autistic community. If a parent or child wants a certain educational path that is not provided by the public schools, I think the parents should pay for it. A line has to be drawn as to what is too much and more isn't, necessarily, better. Not every child is going to be born 'normal', turn 18, live independently and have a financially successful life. A lot of 'normal' kids are not able to accomplish this. I am not giving up or dooming my son but I can, at least, see the possibility. Don't people know this BEFORE they have children? Our son is our responsibility, not anyone else's. Sorry I'm rambling but (to give a little back ground as to why) most parents I talk to that want a 'cure' for their child's autism say it's because they want them to be independent.

I like TEACHH. My son will be doing adaptive ski school this year and I think that's really great too. I don't see anything wrong with the speech therapy he receives either. Actually, I'd like to see him receive more of it (currently he gets an hour a week). Am I going to *** to the school board about it and raise a fuss until I get what I want? No, I think I might hire someone independently to come to our home for more speech therapy - it's probably a better atmosphere anyway. There are a lot of options out there and it's hard to know what paths to take but I think parental instinct is strong and should be trusted. I want him to have fun just being a kid without all of his precious childhood wasted on trying to make him into something he's not.
Thanks for the support and letting me vent,
Rae

I realise it might seem as if I'm blaming therapists for making me feel bad. The truth is (and this is only something I've worked out very recently) that I have many subtle impairments in verbal and non-verbal communication.

There probably isn't any particular cure for these and somehow I have to find the right ways to identify and work around them to avoid the almost constant misunderstandings that happen when I deal with authority figures and professionals.

I was seeing a good counsellor recently but couldn't afford to keep going to see him. I don't expect somebody else to pay for it - it's just bad luck. Continually reading and keeping informed of new developments is the best thing to do in the meantime.

Some people have suggested Rational Emotive Therapy and similar but as they consist of telling a person they are thinking incorrectly, they bring in an element of paternalism that doesn't sit too well with me. They help some people but are unlikely to be much good for all of us with autism.

True, but we didn't move into another culture - we were born into a culture that frequently does not respect our diversity. We didn't move from another culture into the current one.

"Some people have suggested Rational Emotive Therapy and similar but as they consist of telling a person they are thinking incorrectly, they bring in an element of paternalism that doesn't sit too well with me. They help some people but are unlikely to be much good for all of us with autism." - tenaciouscj
Hi Tenaciouscj,
RET sounds like a bad idea for people on the spectrum. Telling someone they are not 'thinking correctly' sounds like a way to lower self-esteem so that the patients become submissive and compliant to what the therapist thinks is correct behavior. I have had many NT parents ask me... who's to say we are not the ones that don't think correctly? Of course, if that were the case there would be a lot more people out there in need of a cure- lol. I love seeing that light bulb go on though. It's just too bad most people will never know someone with autism well enough to see that. Groups like this are an excellent start. I’d really like to be involved in a cure protest the next time one comes around to Southern California. Nothing like making those self righteous goody two shoes see the error of their ways. Ooo, I bet they get mad though.

Hi Sibylle,
You mentioned your son has a very low motion index. Is that like a delay in gross motor skills? I have noticed that Aspies tend to have difficulty with gross motor skills but classic Autistics do not. My son has exceptional gross motor skills. He is very coordinated. We have actually thought about putting him in gymnastics because he is so flexible too. His fine motor skills are another story. Writing with a pencil (no problems typing on a computer though), opening, getting dressed, twisting etc. are all very difficult for him. Has anyone else here seen, read or heard about these differences between classic Autistics and Aspies?

I was reading what you wrote here:
"As we have to live in a NT's world, we should learn to follow and respect some main rules. It's like: if I'd move to another culture and wanted to live there for the rest of my life, I would expect from myself to learn the language and try to adapt to some major rules. Like: being in Japan it would be very rude, I think, to walk into another persons house with my shoes on..."
and I think it's important for everyone to remember that this is your world too! Perhaps, you are lucky to have this ability and therapies to become more in tune with the NT mind? It's great if you want to adapt but I worry for those individuals that can not or, even better, do not WANT to. What about the people getting shot at the airport because they can not immediately 'comply' with orders because of their disability and are mistaken for a terrorist enemy? I think awareness and acceptance on everyone's part (especially the NT population) is the right path to take. It must be very sad to feel like a foreigner in your own home.

I really like it here.
Thanks Everyone!
Sincerely,
Rae

Rae-Mae, I often get people telling me I'm not thinking properly. I think in fact they make a mess of their own lives and want to deflect attention from their shortcomings by making me look bad.

I agree with your comment that we shouldn't have to feel like foreigners in our own country but yet plenty of people do marginalise anybody who is different in any way.

I'm not sure if this is common but mum says I had very good fine motor skills from an early age. At 8 months, I could undo the wingnuts on my pram. Mum could not understand why they kept falling off until she saw me unscrewing one of them one day. At the same age though I had to be propped up into a sitting position.

Most of the books I've read on autism suggest we're likely to have problems with fine and gross motor skills but I know a lady with a possible diagnosis of autism who is really good at painting and drawing.

Someone was trying to tell me about some of the NT world's expectations but it was too much for my poor little mind to cope with and reconcile. Not because of stupidity but because I couldn't see the sense in being expected to be so insincere and untruthful in some things.

For instance, why would you say to visitors "do drop in if you're ever passing by again" if you don't want them to do just that? I'd only say that if I did want them to - otherwise I'd say nothing of that sort. Also, I'd ask them to ring first to give some time to get ready for the visit.

Sibylle, that's fine - I can understand what you say. Trouble I have is I just find too many social customs too perplexing to think about too much.
People act as if I should know these things already so I don't want to look stupid and say that I don't.

Sibylle, that's good to know and here's just some questions?

Why is it considered attractive for women to pluck their eyebrows?
I think it looks ugly when they pluck too many out.

Why are people friends with you in one social setting but then ignore you when you see them in the street?

:lol:
That made me laugh so much!
I know this question was not addressed to me but I want you all to know that if you ever have questions about female NT's I will be happy to answer them from my POV.
The eyebrow thing, I think, goes like this:
1. Starts plucking to rid of unibrow.
2. Plucks to create an arch in brow.
3. Plucks to many on one side.
4. Has to pluck more on the other side.
5. Before you know it there gone and they won't grow back! or
6. There are all of little hairs that would take forever to be normal length brows again so they just continue to pluck them and sometimes draw them on. I have known girls that shave them off completly!
People that ignore you in the street might not recognize you outside of the environment they are accustomed to seeing you in. They might think 'hey, she looks familiar but I can't place where or when I've seen her' so instead of possibly embarrassing themselves by saying hi to a stranger they might just 'blur you out'. I do this sometimes if I do not have my contact or glasses on I can't see anybody's face with clarity from a distance.
NT's have their own social rituals and routines too. I think you should be able to relate to this. i.e. I am at the market, my frame of mind is set on shopping, thinking about what to make for dinner this week, price comparing, getting my son to enjoy the shopping trip etc... I see a friend in the store and I am distant because my thoughts are where I planned them to be - on shopping, not socializing. I wasn't expecting it.
If they do recognize you and they are intentionally ignoring you, then they are snobs and not worthy of your friendship.
I have a question though... Do you ever say hello first?
Thanks for the laugh,
Rae

Happened to me (yet again!) just a couple of days ago.  This guy, who clearly knows who I am professionally, is trying to make conversation with me in the bakery across the street from where I work, and I'm desperately trying to figure out who he is--AAARRRGGGHHHHH I'm sure I came across to him as a total dolt.

Oh no, I think overplucked eyebrows are very ugly and nothing would make me change that idea. Ditto with people sticking on too much mascara, particularly when it cakes into the wrinkles around their eyes. They are kidding themselves if they think it makes them look younger and nicer. A more subtle approach always works better where make-up is concerned.

Rae, I don't mind switching off one train of thought to talk to people in the supermarket if they greet me but I do have trouble recognising people I know unless they are fairly close.

I think much of the reason teachers are impatient is there is too much expected of them these days, plus they need more teacher aides. It would also not surprise me if there were a number of people in the teaching profession when they shouldn't be.