Hi, some of you may know that I am a single parent of a 14 year old young lady recently diagnosed with Aspergers.
I have protected and advocated for my daugher as best as I can. Although difficult it is rewarding when I look into her brown eyes.
But I'm having a hard time explaining her 'abilites' to close friends and family members.
My daughter has HER routine so memorized that she forgets what her enviroment is about. For example, she was reminded to take out the trash...but because some trash was out of the trash bag she left it there. Family gets upset with me that she NEVER forgets her music, or TV programs but she can't remember to dust her room. Or remember when she needs shampoo. One of the biggies is she remembers when it's time to eat but she doesn't remember what to buy in the grocery store (Due to recovery at this time I'm unable to drive or walk long distances so she is going w/ family and friends to such stores.)
So when she finds a cd she likes, she reminds me about it constently. If she gets it, she is none stop talking about it. This makes my family upset because she RARELY remembers her daily chores but is ALWAYS with her music.
I've tried many techniques to help her remember, gosh, I've had sensory stories all over the house...I have reminders in the bathroom. I had different colours all over the house. But I remember she's a teenager AND has aspergers...so I give her friendly reminders. This drives my family CRAZY ~ "you didn't reminder her about that: DVD, CD and/or when that TV PROGRAM was coming" it's all your fault she's being forgetful. Why? Because I'm suppose to take away those very things she remembered because she didn't do her chores.
Worse is if the tv program is a week away. If we go out in the morning, she sets the dvd timer 'just in case'. Since I'm in recovery, my family spends more time helping me (which is a wonderful blessing!) but also more time critisizing my daughter.
Yes she is very forgetful and yes she can't chew gum and walk at the same time. But I am told by family, the reason she forgets is because she is so preocupied with HER things that she isn't fairing well with the necessary things of life.
(I've tired to explain that it's routine....w/ the dvd you JUST push a button. Using the trash example: she needs to remove the bag, look around her enviroment, replace the bag AND remember to throw the trash in the outside barrels.)
Gosh I've got so many other examples but you all have the idea.
Any pointers? My family doesn't think she is doing this on purpose but they don't have the patients to explain or re-explain things (especially since NO ONE needs to remind her to set the dvd) and they get upset of what they call her 'selective' forgetfulness.
Don't a lot of kids forget chores but remember their interests? I would think its fairly normal for any kid to be more interested in their hobby than putting the trash out. :wink:
If relatives are being critical that is their problem, dont let them criticize your daughter, if you are incapacitated at the moment it id probably quite stressful for her too.
"But I am told by family, the reason she forgets is because she is so preocupied with HER things that she isn't fairing well with the necessary things of life."
Of course, because she has aspergers!!!!! Do they know that she has AS and what it is? It is natural for her to have obsessive interests, and for the mundane things in life to be far less important. She is still young and learning.
Yes they know she as AS. And they understand the stress she was under (and still is) due to my illness and recovery. I've explained what AS is all about....although they do not expect to 'cure' her, they want to make her a better adult....I feel they are forgeting that to make a better adult let a child be a child...but they are under the impression that she needs to work a little harder than most kids.... I don't know what else to say or do...maybe I just need to explain and re-explain things to them...makes me wonder who has As now :oops: ...just teasing.... I know they want what's best for her...but I'm just plum out of ideas...thanks Amy...
Hi Anag,
Don't know what to suggest to you except to keep on reminding/explaining to your family about your daughter's abilities and lack of abilities. You might also point out to them that for them to keep mentioning what they view as problems to you is actually causing you more stress at a time when you probably don't need it....
I've found in life that most people like to help -- and sometimes they actually do -- but a lot of time it just amounts to interfering. As an Aspie, I very often just do not 'get' why people concern themselves with how other people run their lives. I mean, I can see getting involved if someone is beating their kid or wife or something like that (interestingly those are often the times when people WON'T interfere). But, for instance, my boyfriend's mother (he is also an Aspie) for a long time tried to get me to "get him to dress better." He doesn't have a particularly odd way of dressing -- in fact I think most people would think he looks like a pretty average Joe -- but he (like many Aspies) likes to wear the same outfit everyday (he has lots of identical shirts, t-shirts, shorts, trousers -- so it's not like he wears dirty clothes or anything! Just pretty much the same outfit everyday.).
It took several years for her to stop badgering me about this issue. Even though I told her directly many times that I thought he dressed just fine -- and anyway what business was it of mine to get him to dress a certain way -- she never listened. I think she just finally gave up when she saw she wasn't getting anywhere with me.
So, in my experience, I guess you could try explaining the situation to your family more -- but they, unfortunately, might never get it. But, they might give up over time.
BTW - I'm so glad for you and your daughter that you understand her and accept you the way that you do. Good for you! Also, I hope your recovery goes well and you are better soon.
All the best,
AspieGirl
It might be a help to tell your relatives that your daughters emotional age might not be the same as her biological age is. So they can start to see a much younger girl in the body of an 14 year old. This is not perfectly a description of all that is different in your daughter, but it might give them a hint.
I can see it in my 8 year old son. Althoug his speech and scientifical knowledge is far above of his age (speech tested at 6 years was developed as much as a 10 year old), his emotional development is sometimes behind that of his 6 year old NT brother.
And I know that I was very much behind in my emotional development when I was a child. But that I realized only much later... kind of recently :wink:
Sibylle
"It might be a help to tell your relatives that your daughters emotional age might not be the same as her biological age is. So they can start to see a much younger girl in the body of an 14 year old."
I definetely agree with that.
Anag, you say that your relatives feel that she has to work harder to than an average kid, to kind of overcome her asperger ways, but really she will be working harder all the time just to do everyday things, like communicating with people, and coping with sensory issues, from what you have said.
I've explained what AS is all about....although they do not expect to 'cure' her, they want to make her a better adult...
I have a problem with the above statement in that:
a. they won't succeed in making her a "better" adult, and
b. being aut does not necessarily turn you into a "worse" adult.
I think you might have reached the point where family and friends (and possibly school) need psycho educational interventions from a professional. The person who diagnosed your daughter will be able to do this, or any therapist who understands autism.
Sometimes it is necessary for a professional to interfere and explain things to others.
What I am concerned about is what this behaviour from other people does to your daughter's unconscious mind. It could condition her believing she is less worthy than others and she can develop depression and other problems from that.
You should look into it.
Hello and thanks for the input.
First AspieGirl, the life situation about the clothing and the coment of added stress on me really helped. (I'll explain how later.)
Sibylle, the emotional and biological age difference was also a great reminder.
Amy, the fact that my daughter ALREADY works harder than most kids was also a helpful reminder.
And Karms, thanks for your concern of her unconcious mind. That is one thing that I am very up on. My daughter is able to voice anything to me. And being an aspie, I believe she takes full advantage of that. She knows that she can share ANYTHING with me, even if it's about how I responded in a situation. Even when she doesn't know how she is feeling, I will come to her after someones not so postive reaction towards her. She is even getting her voice to tell people, "That's not true, I forget my things too." No matter if it's school personel or family and friends, if they misunderstand or make her feel overwhelmed or even ashamed, she comes to me and says that we need to talk. (And I will speak up right then and there if it's shaming her!) I make it a point that every day that we get our alone time - that I praise her specifically for what she does, has done and I know will do in the future. I try and have her understand other peoples points of view - which of course if very difficult for AS persons. So thanks for your concern, reminders are very helpful.
Earlier today I read your info., and I confronted my family. I told them that it is more stress for me, that they needed to remember what it means to have AS. How emotionally she is not caught up biologically and how hard she is already working everyday. Once we all became less defensive, it was great. Even to the point that someone from the family gave her info on one of her TV programs...big step. I even had a chance to talk alone with my daughter, which she broke down and said that sometimes when family and friends are 'forcing' (couldn't think of a different word) her to grow up, it makes her feel like I'm going to die. And she said it's scarey because she was there when I almost died back in April. See, here they are trying to help her and her reasons for shuting down was very valid. (which usually are but because most people don't see As points of view.)
Thanks again to all.
Hello, I'm the AS father of a 13 y/o Aspiette. She was dx'd about 4 years ago. My wife's family is accepting of her unconditionally and both my wife and myself have had to fight the local school system many times to get her the support she needs. So far we're winning!! :? :?:
I have had a number of people ask me, "What's wrong with her?". And that gets my dander up BIG TIME!! Of course I look them in the eye and say there's nothing wrong, she just thinks along different lines. LIKE I DO!!
Peace
Hi again Anag,
Oh, I'm really glad you were able to sit down and talk with your family and that they were so receptive (after everyone stopped being on the defensive, like you say - a natural reaction!). Hope it all moves forward more smoothly now. It certainly sounds like your family does mean all the best for you and your daughter and that they truly want to help -- just sounds like they needed a little guidance. :smile: I hope now that some (or all!) of the stress is taken off both you and your daughter.
You know, discussions like these can really be beneficial to everyone involved -- you and your family and your daughter -- but also to us on the other side here on the board! I had figured out about myself a while ago that emotionally speaking I matured pretty late. In fact, at age 39, I seem to be still learning things that many NTs probably work out in their early 20s (slightly more complex social stuff like "office politics" for instance as well as how to be aware of my own feelings). So, it was good to hear it brought up here on the board -- it reminded me of the fact that I am still "growing up" and that I should cut myself some more slack sometimes!
And, now that I think of it, your daughter might experience something the same throughout her life. Something for both you and her to keep in mind -- that she might grow emotionally and in social understanding throughout her adult life -- more so than the average person (NT) I mean.
Take care and all the best!
AspieGirl :smile:
Dear Anag. I do not know if I can actually help you very well, but it appears that there are a lot of other people here who can, judging from the responces on the topic. But what I can do is to say that you seem to have a very nice understanding and respect for your daughter, who by the way sounds like a very nice person. As an young aspie who has had his diagnosis since he was 7 years old, I too have had problems with doing things that I've been assigned, like homework or meetings. I find it hard to keep control over all the stuff in my head, it's like a million pieces of informations are trying to get access to my mind at the same time, which makes me stressed and almost always ends up with me focusing on something I'm not "supposed to do". Notes and calendars doesn't really work for me either, since I forget about them. But that doesn't mean that I'm lazy or don't pay attention, like some people claim that I do. And all the efforts to make me more "effective" by forcing me to try to keep the same pace as NT's always ended in disaster and almost completely destroyed my self-esteem. But it actually became much better later in my life, since now I'm allowed to learn and create at my own pace, which suits me fine. I don't know if I'm any help for you, but I do want to tell you that you seem to let your daughter develop at her own pace and terms, which more parents should. I'm also happy to see that you seem to support her interests, which is VERY good. I know that hearing an aspie constantly talking about the same thing over and over can be frustrating for many people and I know that many people I know finds it boring to listen to my rantings about a comic I've read or a norse god, but it feels very important for us (or at least me) to express these interests, even if they can appear strange to outsiders. So I would recomend that you keep on encouraging her interests and listens to her, even if you get tired of it. It's at least one of the only way to talk to others that I know of, and it always makes me sad when people tells me to shut up or ignores me.
Thanks for reading, and best wishes of happiness, knowledge and understandment to both you and your daughter!
Thanks to all again. Just being able to express myself here, has been a wonderful release....thanks thanks thanks...
Ozymandais, congrats w/ the school dept...keep up whatevery you are doing...as a teacher and a parent I've lost for seven years....so I'm homeschooling my daughter...in our situation the best thing for her, wished I could have done it sooner. As for that comment "what's wrong w/ her?" rubs ME the wrong way too.
A quick story for you: A friend of mine has a son, and brought him to the house when I was first recovering. Abs went OUT OF HER WAY to make him feel welcomed. I mean she didn't want to play video games but she set it up anyways...she dug out ANY video she could possibly have that a boy would like. (and she so wanted to watch Ice Princess...) do you know that the son no longer wants to come visit us because "what's wrong with her"? Just because she TALKED to him for the whole night. Imagine that, she talked to him. The mom said that's ok she has issues, she's not normal. Gosh Abs was so hurt that she didn't know what to do, I told her, if he choose to visit again, he can sit there and watch HER routine and then maybe he'll see nothing is wrong with her.
AspieGirl, awww what a wonderful way to put it. I even wonder about myself because I'm starting to learn stuff at 35 that some friends learned at 25...and I just took my daugther to the dentist after having an insurance laps and the dentist was impressed w/ how mature she has gotten. So yes, let's cut us some slack.
Joel, I love to hear my daughter's stories. There is never a dull moment in our house. Sure I've heard the story a thousand times, but to see her eyes light up every time she tells it is great. Plus I learn stuff too..so if you want to tell us about your comics or like go for it. A story will never be forgotten if it's told over and over....and you were a great help Joel because reminders of how Aspies think shows us a new view of the world.
BTW what does NT stand for?
I've never heard that term before...thanks...need to use it in my vocabulary now....
Anag, I also wonder if she is getting too many chores to do. If her emotional age is behind her chronological age, she might not be able to cope with so many. If the rellies are so worried she isn't doing all "her" chores, why don't they pitch in and help instead of whinging and putting pressure on her and you.
I still get people trying to "force" me to do things I can't do and it makes me feel like either smacking them or more often, like I just want to disappear into a hole in the ground. It adds to the free-floating anxiety that I usually have most of the time.
It's very disappointing that the boy who came over didn't appreciate your daughter's efforts to be nice to him. That's more a commentary on the immaturity of most boys of that age rather than anything being wrong with your daughter. I have a 14 year old daughter and she often bemoans the immaturity and "silliness" of boys her own age. I don't think she is Aspie but she has a very high intelligence and strong individuality.