Aspies For Freedom

Every year or two, I go on a quest to change things about my life, usually big things. This is an attempt to remain "up to date" with the world around me, and my current condition. Two weeks ago, I started doing research into big issues such as the meaning of life and my own idiosyncratic behavior and beliefs. I discovered a new philosophical view on life that I find very appealing. And I started cataloging what disorders I might have, so that I might better identify myself.

I started with the obvious. I checked out OCD, but I didn't have any worthless obsessions, and no compulsions. My obsessions were purely functional, purposeful, and often improved my life. I checked out body dysmorphic disorder, avoidant personality disorder, social anxiety disorder, and general shyness. None of them explained more than a small part of my problems.

Then I came across Asperger's Syndrome, and it seemed similar to many of the things I had considered problematic in my life. I hit a link to related material on autism. I had never found a more perfect explanation of everything abnormal about me. The more I read, the more it fit. The more anecdotes seemed to coincide with my experiences, the more brief descriptions that fit my actions perfectly, the more I realized that I am high-functioning autistic.

This revelation, if true, has been a blow to my self-image. I find myself wanting to tell other people of my suspicions, yet I realize they will have preconceived notions about the topic, and will remain ignorant despite any pleading I do that they research the issue. I realize they will look at the image I crafted over 24 years of study and careful thought rather than the true me, which I have attempted to bury at all costs.

My life has always been contradictory and fraught with anxiety over my own actions. I believe that the meaning of life is in the connections between people, yet I live like a hermit, with no true friends. I believe that being good to others, helping them, is a prime aspect of any morality, yet I often find myself unable to express empathy to the point I feel I may be sociopathic. I believe that nothing can be known, that every event has an infinite number of possibilities, yet there is the necessity of living from day to day which requires concise, concentrated decision and action. And I haven't been able to change these fundamentals.

I'm scared, confused, alone, skeptical, depressed, and anxious. But I'm also excited, interested, and relieved. Being autistic explains so much that it seems like too simple a word to define me. Just 8 letters marking everything that had made me weird and gifted at the same time, that led to my torture at the hands of my peers and to my praise from professors when I applied my intense focus.

I don't know where to go from here. An official diagnosis would help eliminate my doubts, and would relieve myself from the stigma of "self-diagnosed." It would also blight my records, medical and otherwise, and could lead to prejudice and persecution beyond what I have already experienced. In the end, it would be a label for something I had never thought could be labeled: my uniqueness of thought.

I don't know if I want to be "cured." I don't know if I want to be "proud." Both those extremes seem to deny the reality that there is no cure, and that I will always be ostracized by society no matter the protections I receive from organizations or governments. There is no way to combat human ignorance on such a grand scale; ignorance is part of the human condition. I don't even know if I want to believe that I'm autistic.

I don't know what I want from this site, either. I have no one to talk to, and no reason to hope for any kind of improvement in my quality of life, either from diagnosis or my presence in a community. I find myself overwhelmed.

I don't know. I just felt like speaking.

feeling like speaking is a good reason to do so here.
i was/am much the same as you. finding my self covered in labels so much i could not breathe. then i found this site and i thought a lot about an official dx. sometimes i still want it. i have unofficial dx's of AS. often a good reason to have a dx is to get access to help that you really need.

so what do you really need?
can the community you live in provide it?

also i wanted just one label that would wipe out all the previous labels that made me feel bad. i wanted the REAL name for me.

At the moment i can talk about AS here and with my counsellor and carefully with some other people I meet. The area I live in does not have much support for adults with AS. It is seen primarily as either a developmental disorder or a psychiatric illness.  

It is seen as a problem, a disease, a thing to be fixed.
Is that what you are? I am sure you are not.

I do have a lot of sensory and interrelationship and organisational problems. Learning about AS has helped me clarify these and focus on them. I do not want an excuse for why I should not keep trying.

Your evaluation of your life every couple of years is impressive. Making changes is the hardest but best thing to do. Sometimes the more we seem to lose- the more we find.

Welcome,
becca

Just wanted to let you know that I have the "change/need for change every 2 years" thing too. I tend not to like changes but need them every now and again, so it usually ends up being a case of "sameness" for years and then a major change (for example major shift in interests, moving house etc.).

My special interests slowly rotate over the years - though I sometimes come back to one of them in the context of a new interest.

For example, my special interest now is microscopy, but I am able to use skills and information learned when my sole interest was electronics to do experiments with different sorts of laser illumination and construct power supplies for different kinds of diode, dye and gas lasers.

Stella

I've decided I can't get a professional diagnosis due to my job. It would complicate things unnecessarily. If and when I no longer have this job, or have something less demanding, then I might pursue it again.

Need? I need friends. People to talk to. Any community can provide that. I just don't seem capable of taking it.

It's not that black and white. There are good things about being autistic, and there are bad things, and so far the bad things seem to outweigh the good. If there was a cure that made me perfectly able to interact with others in social situations, and corrected all the weird quirks that I exhibit, but left my intelligence and my focus intact, I'd take it in a heartbeat.