Aspies For Freedom

As I've stated in some of the other threads...

My son's pediatrician recently expressed concern over his delayed speech development.  He wants a complete hearing screening to make sure hearing loss is not the problem.  But if his hearing turns out OK, he wants him screened for autism.

Boy!  Didn't that shock my wife and I!  Autism!  Like Rainman!?  Or like that guy I see around town that is a walking encyclopedia, but completely socially dysfunctional?  Or what about the screaming temper tantrems and total brain lock you hear and read about?

This was pretty much the extent of my knowledge of Autism.  And as far as I know, Asperger's was a local burger joint on the corner.  Except, of course for one exception.  I did hear of a woman who "suffers" from autism and went on to obtain a PHD dealing in agriculture or livestock or something.  Very famous in that vocation, conducting speaking tours, etc.  So I knew there were some exceptions to my conceptions.

Totally freaking out, we began researching.  Now, I knew I have always exibited peculiar behaviors and have had a pretty rough time dealing with society.  I've had to overcome alot of obstacles, but have always written these issues off to ADD, childhood experiences, etc.  I have also wondered what impact my grandmother may have had.  She was diagnosed schizophrenic.  But I've never noticed those types of symptoms in myself.  But I also know I'm not quite right in the head either.  I think different, act different, and generally function different than anyone else I know.  But I also am married with two children, own a house, drive to work everyday, and deal with complex problems on a daily basis.  So, surely I can't be autistic...

With this said, I began to wonder if my son did turn out to have autism, if it was me that passed this to him.  So I began reading.

What a revelation!  Holy cow!  Story after story.  One questionare after another.  All this stuff was definitely hitting home.  But not with my son...

It was me.  So, two days ago, I found this forum.  I've read many of your posts.  I can't say I relate to all of you.  But I definitely relate to pieces of most of you.  So, I'm still a little undecided.  I guess I'm still searching for more feedback to reassure I'm in the right place.  Those I've chatted with so far have been extremely kind and helpful.  

I started this thread with the selfish intent in mind to explore some various symptoms so I can decide how I fit in.

Any help from any of you would be greatly appreciated.  Wow, how misinformed I have been.  Autism is nothing like I thought.  And I never new Asperger's existed.  In fact, I'm suspecting several of my co-workers might be in the same boat.  None of us are what you would call normal.  I surround myself with individuals I can relate to.  

Anyway, hope this helps explain this new "Enzo" guy that has suddenly popped up in the thread.  And I hope this will help me continue my quest to understand why I feel like I'm sitting in a cockpit inside my head instead of feeling like I'm actually here.

Thanks all.

Hi enzo, quite a few of us realised we were on the spectrum after our kids were diagnosed, and upon finding out information, it all 'fell into place'.

"And as far as I know, Asperger's was a local burger joint on the corner."
No, that's McDonalds. :lol:  :wink:

Welcome Enzo, I think you'll find the attitudes of most people here are much more positive than the parent forums on curebie sites.  It really isn't the end of the world.

You're right about not quite fitting with the experiences of everyone here either.  Again, it's like the rainman thing.  Most people have just heard of rainman and assume that all autistics are like that.  But just as not all autistics are like rainman, not all Aspies are the same either.  It really does vary to a great extent, it's not just called a spectrum, it is a spectrum.

Read up on the DSM and also the World Health Organisation diagnostic criteria.  I think most of the adult Aspies here find flaws with the criteria, because they're mostly geared towards diagnosing children, but nevertheless as an overall context, they're useful.  And you'll note that within the diagnostic criteria, there are sections that say things like:  Trait/symptom XYZ (meet 2 out of 4 of these criteria), so you clearly *don't* have to meet *all* the criteria in order to be Aspie (or somewhere on the spectrum).  Although, having said that, my most recent session with a psychologist was with someone who really doesn't have much of a clue about AS and he thinks I've not got it because I don't meet *all* the criteria, when even the criteria says you don't have to meet them all.

There's lots of misunderstanding and confusion, because it's such an imprecise science, because we're all individuals, we all have different symptoms and traits, we also have different comorbidities (I suffer from clinical depression, and I know I'm susceptible to OCD-type behaviours), whereas others may have dyslexia, dyspraxia, synaesthesia etc., none of which I have.  There's also, among adults, the residual impact on our traits and symptoms of our childhood experiences, especially if it was undiagnosed, so we didn't receive any understanding or support, or assistance.

So what symptoms/traits do you think apply to you?

And which do think definitely don't apply to you?

Which are you not sure about?

Sometimes, you might think something doesn't apply to you, but if you think about it a little more carefully, you might realise it does.  I don't have dyspraxia or the general clumsiness referred to in the diagnostic criteria, but then when that criterion was put in the context, not of dropping things or falling over (which I thought clumsiness was about, and it didn't apply to me), more about being not very good at sports, I thought:  Wow!  That does apply to me!  I was good at hockey and swimming at school, but terrible at any track and field events, I was always last in any races, and hopeless at discus, javelin, long/high jump, any other team sport, in fact I was always picked last for sports, so maybe that does apply to a lesser degree to me.

Thanks again, EnglishLulu.  Well, the areas I don't believe I fit in are issues with speech, coordination, etc.  As far as motor skills are concerned, I'm fine.  However, I'm not very athletically inclined.  I do much better at individual sports, but can't get the hang of team sports.

I do know I have issues with the following...

never able to relate to and fit in with large groups of people.  As a child, I was generally a loner, and was the target of massive amounts of bullying.  I would always have just 2 or 3 friends.  In fact, I could never handle one on one conversations with more than 1 or 2 people at a time.  I have too difficult a time relating to more people than that at any one specific time.

I have a severe issue when trying to understand what someone is telling me or trying to explain something to someone if it involves the slightest amount of complexity.  I think in pictures.  Precise logical pictures.  As long as your explanation logically fits together and allows me to form a neat picture chain, I get it.  But if you skip key points that some would assume were understood, I get lost.  I have to back up and fill in the holes in order to establish a continuous link.  Only then will I comprehend something.  This may sound like it would only matter in specific circumstances, but it happens to me daily.  People think I'm just not listening to them.

I also have a hard time reading someone or "reading between the lines".  I contribute this to my lack of success in team sports.


I feel disconnected with the tangible world...all the time.  Like I'm driving my body by remote control.  Some days I even feel like my right and left arms are on the wrong side of my body.  I have to concentrate on which hand I want to use.  My legs are the same way, and I have to make a conscious effort just to walk without falling.  Happens every once in a while.  Happened yesterday, in fact.  Usually when something is distracting me.

My mind constantly races... all the time.  Can't turn it off.  I'm bombarded with pictures at enourmous rates.  In fact, the mental image processed by my vision competes with mental images conjoured in my head.  I sometimes feel like my mind isn't devoting enough processing power to process what I see.  I can "zone out" and completely miss something happening right in front of me.  

Sometimes, language becomes unintelligable, like I'm surrounded by aliens.  When this happens, I have to concentrate on what I'm hearing in order to process and understand what is being said.

I have little to no short term memory.  I have to write everything down.  The sad thing is that my grandfather suffers from alzheimers and I don't feel much different from him.  I am often accused of telling the same story to the same people more than once within a few days time.  My theory here is that I'm so busy processing other things, I simply don't have enough mental resources left to retain anything insignificant.  Once again, I'm accused of not listening when I forget something.

I also seem to have abilities no one else around me has.  I have very high spatial reasoning abilities.  Extremely high, in fact.  I have managed to profit from this and my current job depends on it.  

I was tested as a teenager at the Johnson O'Connor Research Institute for aptitude testing.  My mother new there was something wrong with me.  I scored a very high IQ, but could not keep up in school.  I've always been a poor student.  So, she had me tested to see specifically what I was good at.  I scored the second highest score in spatial reasoning the center had ever seen.  I also scored one of the lowest scores ever seen in short term memory and in language comprehension.  

Growing up, I was always depressed.  Sometimes I just wanted to sleep.  When I was a sophmore in school, I almost slept through an entire quarter.  But when I turned 21, things changed a bit for me.  I went into law enforcement.  Boy was that a shock!  I was being forced into uncomfortable situations.  But it got me on the road to learning how to live like a normal person.  I began learning social skills.  Now, I wouldn't really call these social skills.  Rather, they are a library of prerecorded responses I can easily call upon when encountering a new person.  And I've become extremely comfortable using them.  Things continued to improve.  I left law enforcement 3 years later and switched careers.  Now, I'm an old pro at "faking it".  But, I do slip up every once in a while.  My wife thinks I'm a nerd with severe ADD.  My boss thinks I'm just eccentric and extremely creative.  (I am definitely NOT creative in the artistic sense).  But I'm holding my own now.

I currently find great enjoyment learning about new things.  But I am extremely obsessive.  When I strike out to learn something, I want to know everything about it.  And I can't stop until I do.  It gets pretty bad.  I sketch diagrams and flow charts of things I'm either working out or planning to do.  I love doing that.  I decided to plant new bushes in the backyard.  I have detailed blue prints.  LOL

I can't hang a picture without a level and a measuring tape.  

I can't stand for someone to disturb something on my desk.  Makes me go crazy.  And if I set my mind to do something and am interrupted, I get incredibly irritated and hostile.  This is a problem for me on Saturdays when I wake up with intentions to do one thing, but my wife has planned soemthing else.  I've learned techniques to calm myself down, but sometimes still get pretty cranky about it.  But I don't throw things anymore.

Boy, this forum is digging up some really old baggage.  I've really been suppressing alot of myself...more than I realize.  I've got to be careful I don't let it all out at once.  I might scare people.  :grin:

I can't think of much else at the moment, but I think I've covered most of it.

DO NOT PANIC!

1. speech delay can be due to hearing loss.  One of my brothers did not talk until he was four years old - he did not have to.  Older sibling would just give him whatever he pointed at.  He started talking when he HAD TO.  I think mostly he just did not have alot to say anyway.

2.   we are not freaks.  Many of us are married, educated, employed etc.  We are different but what is wrong with that?  

3.  Many people with autism were wrongly diagnosed in the past with schizophrenia and tortured and supposedly "cured" with electro shock therapy or whatever.  They just learned to act normal.  It did not change who there were.  

4.  you have many many positive attributes:  high intelligence, visual thinking, intense thought processes,  creativity,  ability to act normal at will (something I have not mastered)    SO YOU ARE NOT IN A BAD WAY.

After an eight month process during which I saw three doctors and three different assessors who filled out a total of 24 pages of forms I have finally finally at the age of 40 years old been declared a Person with a Disability by the Ministry of Human Resources. It's a wonderful feeling of relief. I have a freedom from fear now that I have never felt before in my life. I am now free from the threat of bullying NTs in the workplace and the humiliation of trying ever so hard but never being able to meet the employer's standard.

Hallelujah.

oh I am glad for you Nanda!  :smile:  what a relief that must be!

Stella

Thank you Stella.

Boy can I relate to that... Have also read this in a few autobiographies of autistics. For me hormones additionally seem to make this problem worse, so during certain times of the month it gets especially difficult - I've actually had to have people help me put shopping bags on my hands because I couldn't will my fingers to move temporarily when I was distracted by thinking over an item I bought.  :oops:

  
I'm pretty sure those pictures are just your thoughts... if you think entirely in pictures (which I do not), your inner monologue is going to be in pictures. Over time, you might be able to control it better, but whatever you do, do not tell a doctor you are seeing things everywhere. They'll attach the Schizophrenia label to you before you can say "Visual hallucination".  

enzo, such floods of thoughts and images could also be the manic phase of bipolar. Do you have extremes of high and low? The high can be hard to distinguish, if you simply feel full of energy, have rapid thoughts, feel you can do anything, the lows would be more obvious as a depression that affected your ability to function as you normally do.

It might be worth just having a google for and reading a bit about it, I am not saying that its highly likely, and it also does not rule out aspergers as you can have both.

I often can't keep up visually (not when at the same time I have to switch gears etc.) so I don't drive, but when I did I used a similar technique. I also do when walking in pedestrianised areas, to be honest  :oops:

I tried driving for a while, but  have always been very clumsy, and sooner or later this physical clumsiness was translated into undesired combinations of velocity, acceleration, momentum,   direction etc.


After a few  serious crashes, I decided it would be safer for me and for others if I drove no more.


Stella

Yup, pretty much. Hormones add to the fun for me, there are some days where I can hardly make sense visually of anything I am not familiar with. On days like those I sometimes find myself staring at women in head scarves thinking they are a pretty rucksack or bag on the lady stood next to them.  :oops:

(Her scarf *would* have been nice as a bag mind you)

I am aware of having rather poor coordination, and being clumsy. I am not good at hammering nails in straight, drawing straight lines, catching things thrown in my direction, and so on. I often drop things,  knock things over, and stumble on the pavement where others might not be tripped up.

Translated into driving, this adds up to an obvious risk.

Stella

Yup, that's precisely the kind of thing I mean.