Hi,
I'm new here. I'm NT and my husband is undiagnosed, but almost certainly aspie. He's been having a meltdown over the last few days (serious, unavoidable overstimulation at work). I'm trying to help him bly removing obvious stressors, taking care of household crud, and leaving him alone to pursue his special interests. What coping techniques work best for you in these situations? I was hoping someone on this board had some ideas.
Thank you!
Does he use anything to relax, like meditating, long walks, watching repeated Month Python videos? If so, can he indulge in them for a while until he feels less stressed.
Its good of you to consider his feelings like this, and take care of other business so he can calm down.
If this happens repeatedly, are there any options to prevent the overloads?
Is his work very stressful, is he depressed?
He's got lots of veg-out dvds, books and magazines to read, and relaxing CDs. He also likes surfing the web. Yoga sometimes helps. But it really seems like the only thing that really works is lots of quiet personal time-and it's very hard for him to get enough of that.
The key thing I'm looking for help with is specific things that help other Aspies enhance their personal time to make it richer and more satisfying. Also anything that helps them relax/recover from an acute meltdown.
Btw, GL with your expected child! We have a 10 month old son.
"Lots of quiet personal time" is the key for me. I usually need to retreat completely (and do what I enjoy doing -- surfing, watching old movies, read). And, by completely, I mean completely! Don't want to - can't! - go to the store or do any silly errands or talk on the phone or even have anyone ask me how I'm doing. All pressures of any sort have to be removed -- the number one, unfortunately for the NTs in my life, is to become completely asocial.
Hope he feels better soon. And, kudos to you for supporting him! Make sure to take care of yourself, too, though so that you don't get stressed out supporting a stressed out husband and taking care of a 10 month old baby.
You sound like a wonderful, understanding wife! I'm an AS woman dealing with a situation similar to your husband's: too much stimulation at work, then when I get home, a grown stepchild and spouse who frequently drop in on us unexpectedly and stay for hours, chitting and chatting just for the sake of chitting and chatting (and getting my husband to work on their vehicles). I love them, please don't get me wrong, but they are mega-extroverts, very talkative, and they simply wear me out. I feel like I'm the red target on a bull's eye, both at home and at work: having to deal with so much social stimulation is extremely tough for an Aspie. It tends to make me feel like a trapped, exhausted animal with no safe refuge.
What I've been doing to try to cope and to decompress is to go straight to the bedroom after work / supper, close the door, sprawl out, read, then take a nap. My husband doesn't mind since he's a night person anyhow, and if people come over, he can entertain them while I'm napping. Then by the time I get up, any visitors are usually gone and he and I can spend quiet time together.
I don't "hide" all the time to avoid people, but I do it when I need to. It's the only way I can find to recharge my batteries. It's pretty much a matter of psychological / emotional survival. And my husband, thankfully, understands. :smile:
Thanks for your replies, but I'm still not sure what to do. My husband is doing exactly what you suggest, but he just isn't getting enough time to decompress (he usually gets home around 6:00 pm., family leaves him alone by 7:30 or so, and he needs to go to work around 8:00 a.m). It's basically impossible for him to get the amount of time he needs (and changing jobs isn't an option-long story).
He's been in meltdown mode for pretty much a whole week now. We're not sure what started it.
He got a day off today, and it helped a little, but not nearly enough. I'm trying to find out if there's anything we can do to make the personal time he does get more effective, or to make work less stressful. I figured this board would be the best place to get ideas.
He's been in meltdown mode for pretty much a whole week now. We're not sure what started it.
You know, stress like this can, unfortunately, build up over a long period of time. Looking for "what started it" like you say might not be so easy -- this meltdown mode could be a reaction to -- who knows -- a lifetime of AS-related stress. 
I'm sure you've already considered this, but is there any chance he could take some time off work? A week or two maybe? You both really need to be careful -- this could pass over -- but it could also lead to an even worse meltdown. I don't mean to be a scare monger, but it really wouldn't be good for any of you if the stress built up to a point where he would have a hard time functioning at all (I know what I'm talking about -- I let things go too far for myself and wound up "out of commission" for over a year...).
Any time off might do him a world of good. Also, I know you said it's a long story -- but a job re-think might be in order.
I wish I could suggest more. The thing is, he would know best what relaxes him the most -- there's not one "cure-all" for every Aspie. We all have our own interests and different relaxation techniques -- I like old movies and surfing the web for vintage clothing -- my boyfriend likes more geeky, computer-related surfing. Each to his own.
You guys might also consider getting some professional help, if you haven't already. Although many Aspies have issues with getting professional help (often with good reason) -- professional help can be good. My boyfriend has learned quite a few relaxation techniques from his psychologist -- positive feedback, controlled breathing sort of stuff -- that has helped both him and me. It's worth looking into.
And, don't forget support for yourself! And, take care of yourself, too. I hope things improve for your husband and you.
Best wishes,
AspieGirl
Well, I can't think of much more that you could do. Maybe you could do a weekend trip with your baby and leave him at home for rest? You might visit some relatives and have fun (that might be good for you) and he'd have much spare time. That's what I usually wanted most then (except it was me, who had to care for the kids, which made it complicated). For me it wasn't an option to leave for a short trip or holiday, for that would've stressed me even more. Being home (where one is "save") without any people around was all I wanted (and still sometimes want).
So each of you would be able to get what you need. And there'd be no reason to feel bad about it.
Sibylle
my emergency melt down kit consists of:
earplugs- for controlling aural stimulation
low lighting/natural light- taking care of visual stimulation
duvet/massage/bath,shower,swim- tactile stimulation.
some rhythmic action happening in the environment, such as music.
This helps to re establish internal rhythm. So sleep/wake, meal times should be as routine as possible.
Initially i put my earplugs in, close my eyes, wrap myself up and hang on for half an hour. i can put earplugs in if i am away from home, but i have to get home quick. it is like dealing with a migraine. you have to deal with it quickly or it will be worse in the long run. i decide to stay still for half an hour.
usually i dont think i can, but i end up being able to relax a bit.
this is for emergencies. But practicing how to manage stress everday is important. So i do not use my earplugs etc too often. i try to control my sensory diet. i know processing auditory information uses more energy for me. But it is different for other people.
i am glad your husband has you. i know it may be a silly question, but have you asked what might help best right now?
I ask this because i recently had an operation and i had a lot of trouble in recovery trying to deal with the anaesthetic and i physically went into meltdown and panic. i was given lots of drugs that didn't work, but a nurse asked me what would help. i said a foot massage. And guess what?
I got one and it worked. i was able to relax enough to manage my body and thinking. i was lucky the nurse practised complementary therapy as well.
This episode will provide lots of information for you both to consider what to do in the future. Look forward and also look after yourself too.
becca
I'm really sorry to not be able to offer much help apart from the comment that you and your husband are certainly not alone. In recent years, I've been having repeated meltdowns and it is scary not being in control.
The last one was 10 days ago on the plane, flying down to Melbourne. Noise stressors and worry triggered it off and I just "lost it", starting to cry and get hysterical on the plane. I explained to the attendants that I have autism and was getting a panic attack and they were so good and helpful. A nice young man came and sat with me for a while and then they moved me up to the front of the plane away from the noisy kids.
I'm racking my brains for solutions but find that doing things I enjoy can be helpful (this is not always possible - for reasons I won't go into).
Maybe the workplace could be modified in some way to reduce stress (depending I guess on how sympathetic and well-informed the boss and co-workers are - a letter from the doctor could help there). I think it would be a good idea to have your husband see the doctor if at all possible as he could possibly be suffering depression on top of his autism.