Aspies For Freedom

I have never been pitied before,I find people always expect the AS autistic to have mild difficulties,and don't give near enough support or understanding.

It's obvious to me that my AS boyfriend has internalized way too much of the negative feedback he has gotten from NTs.  There have been a million instances where I stated my preference to do or not do something with him, and he interprets that as a reflection of my displeasure with him or my dislike of him.  And it's NOT- it's just that maybe I am tired and want to stay home, instead of going out to do something, or whatever.  I think aspies have to be careful with that issue, perhaps; a lot of times, NTs may be stating their preferences and are actually neutral about the aspie, but the aspie (out of habit, previous experiences) interprets that as the NT being annoyed with them.

I am NT, but frequently am told "You think too much."  These words are usually spoken with some degree of pity.  Other NTs think that too much thinking seems to get in the way of my having a good time-- as in, I think about what I'm doing before I do it, so I think I may not want to [get drunk, have sex, be careless towards my self or others, fill in the blank].

I usually turn this around on whomever is stating that I think too much.  I say, "Well, you think too little."

I am concluding from my first few days on this site, though, that the guilty factor in NT social reality is most NTs trouble with simply listening.  Listening is a difficult skill for a lot of us NTs.  I don't know whether it makes sense or not, but I wish I had grown up both knowing about AS and being in classroom settings with kids who were AS.  It would have been a great opportunity to develop listening skills and compassion.  Compassion is hopefully not the same as pity.  I would define it as seeing clearly what others are going through so that one can respond appropriately, with the aim of reducing suffering and enhancing happiness and well-being.

Yup!
"You think too much, you analyze too much!"
Mantra of my mother....but I say:
You can never have too much analysis..Love it, LOVE it!

ahuman, it's quite possible that what your boyfriend is dealing with is years of people telling him he has to "read between the lines".  Unfortunately, for those of us on the spectrum, there is nothing between the lines - he'd have to make something up, which may be why he winds up feeling that way.  Perhaps you could try reassuring him that there is no "between the lines" to read with you - I know my wife is tremendously relieved to have someone to talk to who she can be completely blunt with, because she knows I'm not analyzing everything she says for some hidden message, or just waiting for my turn to talk (and thus ignoring what she says).

I absolutely loathe being pitied, as it is pretty much the treatment I got during most of my school years. Everyone knew there was something "wrong" with me, and more or less considered me a retard. I do not blame them, considering my outward behaviour (I was clumsy, and when I was asked to do anything remotely complicated in front of the class, I became so afraid of failing that I either did not do it, or failed completely), but I still get incredibly annoyed whenever anyone displays pity towards me. I dont want pity, I want respect.

I think the poll is missing at least one important possible answer:

  People don't care/just ignore us.

At least that describes much of my social interaction (I figure, in any three-way or better conversation, I average about a sentence-and-a-half before someone butts in and I become invisible).  But then, my voice never did carry all that well after the 2.5-octave drop at age thirteen.

I think we are most often seen as an annoyance or just ignored. I don't think we are pitied very much.

I don't see myself as pitied.  When I was younger, people used to see me as annoying because of my AS.  These days, most people don't know that I have AS.

I don't think we are pitied, except by some in a patronising way.

Particularly when I was a child and occasionally now after I make a statement people say 'what are we doing to do with you?'. I know this is a put down and is annoying especially given what I've such said has been a logical thought out comment. Often when I'm asked for my opinion I don't give one and give the reason for this that they will ignore what I say so why say it. That doesn't go down well either. So often I can't win whatever I do.

Pitied? No.
Patronised? All the time.

Z

AS I am.

I have asperger's syndrome and have been diagnosed with it from around age ten, and i have never been neither patronised nor pitied. I have however annoyed people somewhat, due to me correcting their use of either english or swedish in an incorrect way, either grammatically or, more often, spelling and use of words.

This is something i have tried very very hard to get rid of, since i do not think that people speaking with me deserve to be made to feel insecure just because they do not know whether or not i am going to correct them on what they say next. I am fully aware that it is something that they might not care all that much about even though i think it is important and i try to remember that they do not chide me for my ignorance in matters which lie close to their heart.

But anyhow, back to topic, i feel that the reason i have never been pitied or patronised is probably that I've always done well, in school, and I am quite good at a variety of sports, meaning I've got a well-exercised and rather well-muscled body. This coupled with the fact that i am a bit above average length and have a quite powerful build and bass voice gives me an outwards appearance that inspires respect, i think. I think i might have abused this a bit sometimes, because i have a tendency of talking quite loud, which is not a good thing, it intimidates some people and thus stops their opinions from properly entering a discussion, which is too bad. I think everyone should have their say.

Now, that was probably a bit off-topic, but if we try we can probably link it to the topic question