Aspies For Freedom

Hello All,

Our (very recently diagnosed w/Aperger’s) 25 yr. old son (I shall call “J”) came home last week looking like he was beat up.  .. AND he was! J had stitches on his forehead, his eye was very swollen and black and blue and his ribs were hurting him quite badly.  Apparently J had said something to his “girlfriend” to the effect, that he wanted her to put him first before her kids.  She must have repeated this to the father of her children, because this man then decided that he did not like J. Last Saturday J went to the park with his “girlfriend” and two children.  While there, the children’s’ father showed up and proceeded to beat J up.  I, of course, know that what J said to his girlfriend was very dumb .. just one of the MANY things J says and does wrong.  J did not fight back or try to defend himself.  From what his girlfriend said to me though .. he said a lot more very dumb things...

I am VERY afraid for my son.  As mentioned above, J was just diagnosed with Asperger’s this past spring.  He has basically “struggled” his whole lifetime.  In middle and high school he had labels of ADHD, ODD and OCD.  His IQ tested 70/borderline. I took him to a new psychiatrist this past spring and he told us to throw out all of the old diagnosis and for us to KNOW that he very definitely had Aspergers Syndrome.  (If we had only known of this 20 yrs. earlier!!)  

While in middle and high school J did not have many friends, so of course, not much of a social life.  We did get him involved in a local church youth group .. but he even had problems there.  He would get in trouble with his actions and by what he would say to his peers.  He spent most of his high school years in a "special school" because he became to disruptive in his regular high school classes.  This seemed to help .. somewhat.  At least they “worked” with him on his behavior issues.  While in this special school he became involved with a local agency called Hope Network.  They helped find him a job and acted as an intermediary for him.  Someone from that agency would check on him once a week or so and meet with his superiors.  This seemed to work quite well.  J was making good money (for him!) and his employer seemed to be very understanding.  He continued this job for about a year and a half after he graduated high school.  This business downsized and laid off 100 or so employees.  (J, of course being one of them.)  It has been down hill for J since then.  Currently he has a job at a local well-known retail doughnut store as a custodian.  He has held that for a year .. which amazes us.  We have been holding our breath .. waiting for him to come home and tell us he was fired.  He gets “written up” all of the time for things that he says/does.  He cannot count on enough hours from this job though.  They pay him very little and he would NOT be able to support himself on his income.  He, obviously, still lives at home.  He shows no motivation to look for another job and/or move out on his own.  He appears to have no desire to become independent.  He has found “friends” though.  Most of these friends are “undesirable” and take total advantage of J.  He doesn’t care .. at least he appears that way.  He now has a “social life” and he comes across like that is all that matters.  

During the time J has graduated from high school and now (approximately 5 yrs.?) he has gotten into/had a lot of problems.  He lost his license because of too many speeding tickets.  He then was caught (twice!) driving while having a suspended license.  He has been with “friends” and had money stolen several times.  He traveled to a bad area of town to meet with a new girlfriend and was mugged.  He had his wallet stolen and was roughed up a little.  (A friend of the new “girlfriend” said that he was set up.)  He is very careless with his cars.  It seems like he is always coming home with a new scrape or dent on his car.  He does not care how many miles he has to drive.. as long as he can meet with his friends!  These incidents are just a few of the MANY things that J has done.  The list can go on and on!  Also .. J and his dad are at odds all of the time.  I cannot get my husband to understand J’s diagnosis.  At times he will appear to, but when it comes right down to it .. when the next  “calamity” arises .. it’s the end of the world in my husband’s eyes.  There have been SO many incidents that J has been .. it doesn’t take much for my husband to become infuriated with him.  

I have been in the process of gathering all information/medical records, etc.. to present to social security.  I know we need to begin to get things “in place” for J .. for his life.  I keep worrying about what would happen to J if something happened to us?  Because of my job, J has been and is covered under my health insurance until the end of his 25th year.  We haven’t set up an appointment with the social security office yet, but in all of the reading I have been doing, it doesn’t look good for him. J needs health insurance.  I just cannot see that he could go without health insurance!  He also needs supplementation to his income.  He NEEDS to start moving in the direction of a little bit more independence!

I previously thought that I would try to arrange to get him moved into a “supervised” apartment setting.  Both my daughter and husband maintain that I would be setting him up for failure.  We have threatened to him that we would kick him out and that he could just find his own way.  Again, both my daughter and husband maintain that we will find him dead on the streets.  Yet .. the stress our son is causing in our household is almost insurmountable.  What IS a parent to do???  

I know this post is extremely long.  I give anyone that has read the whole thing a lot of credit! (Bless you!)  Even with the lenght of this post .. I have only just touched on so many of the issues we have/are having with our adult son.  Does anyone have input/advice about any of this?

Thanks,  
JustHoping

Hi Amy,

Wow!  I appreciate you reading my whole post.  I also appreciate your total honesty in your reply to me.  

"what he says in private to his girlfriend is NO-ONE elses business! To say that hes says 'a lot of dumb things' is a very negative way to look at it, no-one is perfect, I am appaled that his partners ex beat him up, isnt it the ex who you should be complaining about? Theres no way that he deserved that!

It was a criminal act, words between partners in private does not justify any such thing as that. "

Yes, you are totally right in that how I worded it was a negative way to put it.   This is no excuse, but .. I have to say that my frustration level in regards to J and his problems have hit an all time high.  You are correct in that what J and his girlfriend talk about should be between them ... ONLY.  But we both know that is not the way the world works and "stuff" happens.  The only way an individual can limit the "stuff" that happens to them is to understand/know the right and wrong things to say.  (I guess that would mean being "socially acceptable"?)  Mind you .. what I am saying here is not to get you or anyone upset.  I DO know that how J is, is how he IS and people (myself included) should be totally accepting of that.  But, how long do we have to wait for that. ? .. AND what's to happen to my son until "that time"?  I say I am afraid for my son because I'm not sure how long he will "survive" if he is left to be on his own .. out in what might be called "normal" society and with his so called "friends".  

"There are a lot of cruel people in the world who will take advantage of someone that they see as vulnerable, the human rights of aspies and auties need to be protected, was the attack reported to the police?"

Yes, he did call the police.  They came, made a report and told J he needed to come down to the station first thing Monday morning.  When he showed up there on Monday, they gave him a long form to fill out and told him that he couldn't file a complaint until he found willing witnesses that would back him up.  (I never heard of that before? .. but I've never been in this type of situation.) Needless to say, he couldn't find one.  J's girlfriend refused to make a statement .. of course!  This is the father of
her two children!  Needless to say, they are no longer seeing each other.  At least for the time being.  If I go by J's history, after a month or so he "forgets" what these people do to them and just kind of "gravitates" back to them ..

"He has done very well to have had two long term jobs, to be honest you seem extremely critical, only 12% of aspies have full time jobs, so he is doing well against the odds. Do you think that all parents approve of their adult childrens friends and jobs?"

Again .. I know I seem critical.  Maybe I (still) have not pulled myself out  denial about J's life and future capabilities?  Please know, that regardless of how I "sound" in my original post,  I post here because I love my son, am very worried about his future and am trying to find "answers".  His new dr. typed up a short note to take to the social security office.  These are his exact words:  J has an Autistic Spectrum Disorder (of high level) that is similar to Asperger's Disorder.  This Pervasive Development Disorder is a neurologically-based innate disorder of the central nervous system.  It is developmental, no an acquired, condition.  

"A lot of young people have such incidents, I am sure he hardly asked to be mugged, try and get it into perspective, if your husband gets furious, he needs to work on that issue himself. "

No, certainly he did not ask to be mugged.  But he went to meet this new "girlfriend" after we had warned him repeatedly about how bad this part of town was.  This is something that is very well known, but he chose to go there anyway.  When he relayed the whole scenario to us (after the fact) .. how it all happened, how the girl initially got him to travel down there .. generally anyone would have been able to smell a "rat".  It's hard for us to accept/realize, but he just did not (truly) did not know.  I guess doubly so when we were so emphatic about him not driving down there.  
You are very right about my husband working on his frustration issues.  This is where the "other half" of the tension comes in.  Again, you would think that after living with your parents for your whole life you would "know" what to do (or not) so that you don't push their buttons.  Again, this is something we have to come to terms with .. and understand.  But .. it IS very stressful.  We just never know what the next problem will be.  My husband and I both came from large families.  I figured we would be "somewhat" prepared for our children's teenage/young adult years.  We were for our daughter's, but not J.  As I mentioned in my first post .. what I posted there was just the tip of the iceberg .. definitely nowhere's near all that we have been through with J.

"How is he causing so much stress? You know that he has aspergers, and many adults with aspergers live with their parents longer than average, and can need more support. I don't know which country you are living in so its hard to advise you about accomodation facilities. "

The "stress" is because we know too much about what is going on in his daily life.  We always know when he gets in trouble.  Although this may not be really the case, we 'feel like' we are totally being taken advantage of by J.  We "finance" him way too much and do not require him to give us any rent.  (That is probably our fault  .. the more I think about it?)  Just lately it seems like he spends all of his money for "entertainment".   I just don't know if he could ever live on his own or not .. ?

We live in the U.S., Michigan.  From what I read, we are currently second highest in unemployment of all the states.  Generally "things" as far as jobs, services, assisted living .. I don't think look good.  So much "cutting" has been done.  It's very depressing ...  

Again, I appreciate your honesty with me.  You have made me think about how I am responding to J and his problems.  

Thanks, justhoping

"I am 52 years old, and still way too gullible. I usually don't 'smell a rat' either, when you would think I should. One of the problems with AS is, that it's hard to apply what has been learned in one scenario to another, slightly different one. Meaning, we never seem to learn a lesson from anything. I always learn everything the hard way. And even then I might make the same mistake over and over again, just because it isn't exactly the same, and so I don't remember what to do (or not to do)."

Hi Uschi, Your statement (above) rings so absolutely true for my son!  It seems (at times) like he DOES eventually learn, but as you say .. it is usually the very hard way!  

"But I have learned some coping strategies."

That is great that you have learned some strategies.  J has become very stubborn and just plain won't admit that anything he does is wrong.  His famous last words to us (regardless of what it is that he does) is "what's the big deal???"  Because he won't admit/accept the fact that anything he does/says might be wrong, it makes it very hard to work or talk with him.  Several years ago I took him to a counselor/psychologist and he pretty much as much said that "J doesn't want to be here. .. And unless he does, there is no use in me trying to work with him."  

"Him saying that his girlfriend should put him first might or might not have been a 'dumb thing' to say."

This is true.  What it all boils down to (really) is the unscrupulous people he chooses to hang out with.  The fact that he said (just that) to his girlfriend isn't the crux of the matter.  It was knowing what he was getting into when he got involved with her/her situation .. in the first place.  Unfortunately because of J's problems/personality, it seems these past couple of years that he's gotten involved with a lot of the wrong people.  And no .. this is not just a parent talking .. believing that none of these people are good enough to be with our son.  His drs. have even tried to "advise" him of why the people who seem to be gravitating to him (or is it the other way around?) are definitely NOT good choices as friends.   THAT all said, of course this (again) boils down to him just not knowing/realizing .. being gullible and wanting so badly to have "friends".  

"Actually, a supervised apartment setting might be a great idea. It would get J out of your house, you would worry a lot less, while he wouldn't be totally on his own. It would help him become more independent, and would give you a break (and him a break from being treated like a little kid, which I am sure he doesn't appreciate either)."

Yes, I believe the supervised apartment idea might be good too.  Financially ..  I can't afford this type of thing.  So, all of something like this would hinge on what kind of "aide" he can get .. what kind of "services" he can qualify for.  As far as being treated like a little kid .. well, yes it's very hard not to treat him like he is back in high school.  He makes SO MANY bad choices it finally (sometimes) boil down to us even telling him when he needs to be home, etc.  It sounds bizarre I know .. but after time and time again that he is late to work after being out all night .. well, how else can we "teach" him?  I know, I know .. the school of hard knocks .. but he's done that time and time again.  .. And again ... the same ol', same ol'.  He STILL hasn't learned.  So then we institute "rules" for our adult son.  

"I don't know if J is intent on pushing his father's buttons. I sort of doubt it. He is just being himself, and your husband is the one with the issues here. It is time he accepts J just as he is, and stops seeing everything his son does as a provocation. "

No, absolutely I do not believe that he is pushing those buttons on purpose.  He does that time and again, because he truly "doesn't know".  I fully recognize that .. but (at this point) can't get my husband to realize THAT in a full blown "calamity" mode.  

"He does the best he can. Also, you need to realize that Aspies take longer to grow up. I have read that most of us aren't really adults until our thirties, and we're still teenagers in our twenties. That is certainly true of me."

You are right .. and I needed to be reminded of that.  So .. there is research/evidence out there that he just might be able to "be" more adult?  I don't want to sound naive, but I really was worrying/thinking that J would be as he is now .. for life.  His new dr. made some comment to the affect that "kids" with his diagnosis get less and less ambitious, motivated.  I think that was after I made a comment about how much he slept during the day, if he wasn't working or out with friends.  (Again, this is probably because we have "allowed" this .. ?)

"And everybody needs to get off his back, blaming him for all the things that go wrong in his life. It isn't his fault, he was born different."
Do you have any ideas as to how we can get through to him .. in regards to his everyday life?  Yes, he was born different .. but how do we get HIM to see/understand that .. so he can do some proactive things for himself?  I sometimes wonder if he is even capable of doing that.  He comes across so .. I don't know .. just "I don't care .. there's nothing wrong with me" type attitude all of the time.  

"By the way, IQ tests are highly inaccurate, especially with Aspies. His real IQ might be a lot higher than 70."

Yes, back in high school when he was tested by a school psychologist, he mentioned that he thought his score could be low BECAUSE of his problems .. not the other way around ..  

Please know that if I have made any statements here that may have offended you .. that is definitely not my intent.  I truly appreciate your replies to me and (seriously) you .. and Amy have really made me start to change my way of thinking about all of this.  

Thank you! JustHoping

"Would he consider viewing the site himself and seeing how other aspies cope and struggle sometimes like he does?"

Hi Amy,
I asked J last night if he would like to look at this or other sites to see how others with his same diagnosis struggle etc.  His reply to me was "don't be ridiculous, why would I want to do that?"  I tried not to "talk" too much about it, but just told him that sometimes it just helps to "talk, see and know" that there are others out there who are going through the same things.  He just kind of shrugged me off.  Oh well .. I guess the seed is planted .. maybe he will ask me about it another time?  

I have read (somewhere) about "training" that goes on .. in regards to "social" training.  (My terminology may be way off here, I'm hoping you get what I mean, though.)  Do you (or anyone) here know if this type of thing really works?  From what I was told it is more of a one on one "therapy" whereby the coach works on training the individual how to respond.  It's learning to be more "socially" acceptable (for lack of better words) by being drilled over and over.  So then you don't have to count so much on the "intuition" thing that seems to be "lacking" from my son and other Aspie people.  It seems like I have read about something like this at a few sites .. but really have never talked to anyone that it has "worked" on.

Thanks!  JustHoping

Hi Bonnie,

"I don't know what research has been done on the subject, but yes, many aspies mature significantly between age 25 and 35."

That is so VERY good to know!  

"Becoming less ambitious and less motivated and sleeping all day are often signs of depression.  It is not unusual for autistics to become depressed if they feel that they are doing everything wrong, etc.  (I hope this discussion with the doctor didn't take place in front of him.  And I would suggest finding another doctor who has a more positive attitude.)"

No, his new doc made the comment about J sleeping all day when he was meeting with J's dad and I .. after his several consulations with J.  J IS on Prozac and Risperdal.  Maybe we need to be looking at changing his prescription?  I really did think this new doc had a positive attitude.  He just kind-of mentioned the part about loss of ambition/motivation in a  "matter of fact" way.  We are not planning on going back to this guy anyway, as we can't afford him.  He is so well known (in the area) and in such large demand, he doesn't have to conform to any insurance standards as far as rates, etc.  ... And his rates/charges are definitely through the roof!  

"It sounds to me as if there have been so many efforts to "fix" him over the years, he now reacts defensively when anyone makes a suggestion.  My advice would be to back off for a while and to let him make his own mistakes and learn from them."

Gosh!  You hit THIS ONE right on the nose!  I have had him to many counselors/psychologists, he went through a neurodiagnostic "training", we travelled 300 miles away to HRI Pfeiffer Treatment clinic who tested him for chemical imbalances and on and on and on.  All this while he was growing up.  

"I don't think he needs an expensive supervised apartment.  What would "supervision" accomplish, anyway?  Just put him in a small, one-bedroom apartment, pay his rent, show him how to budget for his other expenses, and leave him to muddle through.  You'll probably have to bring him a few sacks of groceries from time to time, but he will quickly figure out that he can't spend all his money on entertainment."

You think I should let him muddle through?  The kid can hardly make it on his own while he is at home.  Any apartment that we would try to "get" for him would NOT be expensive.  And .. from what I understand it might be/could be totally subsidized.  I/we do not have money to put him in his own apartment .. no matter how cheap it is.  

"And I am wondering about the car.  If he can't afford to pay for his own car, is often caught speeding, and drives across town to meet with undesirable friends, why do you allow him to have a car?  If my son behaved like that, he would definitely be riding the bus."

We don't live in town.  We live approximately 20/25 minutes away from J's work AND from where he finds most of his friends .. the bigger city.  There aren't any buses that run from our little town into his place of work, etc.  As I am typing here, J just two-wayed me.  He tells me that the new (used) car that we just helped him purchase, has been in an accident.  But .. of course it's not his fault.  But it was!  He was travelling too close to the person in front of him in rush hour traffic, that guy stopped all of a sudden and of course, then J runs into him.  It is almost like there isn't a week that goes by that he does not have some major kind of problem!! (A little more "ranting" here .. )

Thanks, JustHoping

Hi Darkcode,

Yes, J's girlfriend told me the "details", but then J confirmed that what she said was, in fact, true.  (J at first sugar-coated the whole thing .. as far as what his particpation was in the whole thing ..)  

Oh yes, I DO know this.  It's alright to be reminded though! (Thanks!)  One thing though .. I am not worrying even half as much for J's younger sister (19yrs) as I am for J.  They are like night and day!  J's sister is SO independent and pushingworking hard for that independence.  She mentioned to me .. the other day, that when she moved into her dorm in college last fall .. she was very excited and said to her brother (J) "Aren't you envious of me, being able to move out.  away from home .. out on my own?"  She said that he replied "Why would I want to move away from home?  I like it here."    :?:

So YOU were the one that suggested home schooling?  That amazes me.  I believe that you are probably pretty intelligent ... ?  J (also) ended up in special ed classes and eventually in a different school because he became so disruptive in his classes ..  

.

I wonder about this with my son's employer at times.  I think that they may take advantage of him (somewhat) also.  

This independence issue seems like a double edged sword type of thing...
I try to praise him for the fact that he has been able to "keep" this job for a little more than a year.  But when it comes down to talking about him moving out on his own .. without some type of assistance, well, he just won't make it .. no way, no how! So .. then we talk about him getting a better job .. but what?  There's not much out there for someone like him .. especially with the economy the way it is in the area that we live.

You are definitely right here.  Other (here) have also mentioned that.  The fact of the matter is .. I believe, is as long as J remains living with us, we will always know way too much about his day to day problems.  Besides the fact that he is always telling us about what goes wrong.  If I remember back to being in my teen years .. I would work hard at NOT telling my parents what I didn't want them to know.  J is (and always has been) way to honest (is that the word?) and always feels like he has to tell us right away.

Why would helping him apply for SSI make things worse between us?  

.

I can definitely see where our "mixed messages" are a problem.  How to remedy that though .. ?  Yes, I should start having him pay a little for his "rent", etc.  He is currently spending a lot of money ($100 a month) to cover his car insurance (he is in the high risk group) and also paying me $100 a month for what is owed on the car.  He will complain that if I "take" anymore from him he will not be able to go out with/visit with friends/or "live" from paycheck to paycheck.  I'm sure I'll figure something out.

I appreciate you posting so much about your life and trials, Darkcode.  It has helped me in understanding a little more about how J might be perceiving his dad and I and how we are treating him...

Thanks!  JustHoping

Hi Darkcode,

It's been one very busy week and I haven't had time to check back here. This is the first chance that I have had to look back in here.    

This is something that never occurred to me.  To tell him NOT to tell me so much ... ?  I DO think his "need" probably comes from his school age years when he ALWAYS told me what was going on at school, etc.  I'm also thinking that a big part of his need to inform me of everything might have a little to do with his OCD.  But, I totally agree ... this is something that we definitely need to work on.  

Yes, I plan on talking with him about this more in depth.  

When J talks about having money to "live" he means so that he can do what he wants to do.  .. And that would be (for the most part) having money so that he can go out with his friends.  This is (I know) bizarre .. but this is something that has gradually "evolved" .. over the years.  So .. if I "take" money for rent, etc .. he will complain (big time!) about not having money to "live"!

ALL that you have mentioned here, I believe, rings very true in our situation.  As you say .. it's going to take a lot of changing on my part, too!

Again .. thanks for giving me A LOT to think about and to definitely work on!  JustHoping

Hi Bonnie,

J is on only 1/2 mg of risperdal.  I did go to the link that you provided ..
The psychiatrist assured me that 1/2 mg of risperdal is not enough to cause any harm .. but .. ?

J initially went on the risperdal back in high school when he was acting out a lot AND also because he would not/could not sleep at night.  I don't know that it ever helped much with the sleeping, 'cause he STILL gets up a million times throughout the night.  

I'm sorry, I probably did not word it very well.  J is giving me money weekly (when he gets paid) so that he is able to pay his car payment and insurance payment.  They are each $100 a month.  If I did NOT insist that he give me the money on a weekly basis .. at end of the month he would not have the money and just would not pay this. At least that is what he has done in the past .. just ignore the bills/loans.

There is just no way that I/we can pay his rent.  We just are not financially able to do this .. at this time.

Well, I don't wake him up for work .. but there's enough stuff I do do that is probably pretty parallel to that ..

Thanks much for your response/support.  JustHoping

But, isn't this a good thing, if these "friends" are really as as bad as you feel they are, wouldn't that be a good if he didn't have the money to spend with them. I fear that the people he is hanging out with arn't really his friend but just having him around for their own amusment and he does not have the social sense to see it. The problem is that they may end up manipulating him into doing something dangerous or illegal. I have heard of these kind of things happening before.

I don't think he really wants to be living at home.  He sound like he is having doubts about his ability.

From what you said it's sounds like J is having self-esteem issues over his diagnosis. On one hand he is in denial. He seeks friends not for the relationships but so he he can prove to himself that he has no problem. This is what I call ego prop, and they can be disasterous, cause they are based on external things that could fail. The only real way to feel good about yourself is from the inside.

On the other hand he is leaning on the safety net of his parents becuase he doesn't believe he can make it on his own. And you seem feel this to from your posts so far. this may be feeding his doubts, so you got to be carefull how you deal with this.  And this thing with your husband  disagreeing has to be dealt. If he is getting different message from different parents, it's going to add to his doubt.  My parent disgreed over my problems. they tried to keep it from me, but I knew. and it really made me feel bad about myself.

My unproffessional advice is to seek faimily counciling on this. J may be more amicable to this since it does not single him out. And it will help you and your husband come to terms with Aspeger's Syndrome.

I maybe compleletly wrong about this. I don't want to act like an expert on your sons problems cause I am not. The reason i desided to say this is that the things you describe reminds me of some of the things I have done in the past and even to this day(Athough I think i was a lot lucker than your son).  One thing that has really affected me as of late is a something that Jerry Newport said about aspies and relationships. he said that "You will only find love if you love yourself"(Or something to that effect). At first i rejected this, cause it wasn't what I wanted to hear. But I realised that it is true. I don't love myself. And I have been seeking that love from other people. this applies to more than just love but life in general. I am not going to be trully happy until I truly accept my self for who I am.  And I think it is the same for your son. I can't tell you how to get there cause I am not there yet. And if I was I couldn't tell J. And neither can you. This is something that he must discover on his own. And myself too.

I wish you and your faimily luck!  :smile:

It's taken me years to realise I don't have to tell my mum everything. I just wish I could have been more independent a lot earlier but lack of confidence is and was the main thing holding me back. At least with a diagnosis, I have some hope of moving forward.

If your son doesn't want to move out, is it possible to have a "granny flat" built on the same block of land? Another possibility is to see if there are any one-room places nearby. I don't know if your son gets anxiety attacks like me when he is on his own too long. That is something to consider.

At first, living on my own was great but the social isolation got to me after a while.

I wish I could think of some better answers, but I don't know.

I am resurrecting this thread .. that it appears I began last year (2005).

Well, here we are almost a year away from what I posted as our son's previous problems and he has even larger problems.  

Our son lost his job in Feb. 2006.  He received unemployment to the tune of $228 every two weeks (up through the end of last summer).  In May, he broke into a (local girls) car to steal her purse (money.)  He also took a credit card out of a former associates car and used it to the tune of $500.  He also was "arrested" for A/B.  A girl (supposedly his "friend") called the police after he put her in a head lock, after SHE charged at him.  (He said he put her in a headlock because he was trying to stop her/defend himself.)  My husband and I worked with the girl that he broke into her car and stole her purse.  We paid her large amounts of money so she would not press charges .. and she did not.  Our son then went to court for the A/B .. received a misdeamenor charge, we paid his fines and he had to do three days of community service.  On the credit card .. he had to pay all resitituion (of which we did) and was put on probation for six months.  He also attends a behaviour class once a week during this probationary time.

Every time our son had to go to court to handle/process his different charges, he really was physically ill because he was so worried about what his "sentence" would be.  I (and his dad) really believed that he had learned from his last springs criminal activity.  

Now .. just this past September .. he was in a local grocery parking lot and he saw a window open and a women's purse sitting in the car.  He reached into the open window, unlocked the door and took the womens purse.  Apparently, there was nothing in it, and he dumped it in a nearby dumpster behind some other businesses.  This was all recorded on the security cameras that were in the parking lot. Our son was also driving his car illegally.  His license has (once again) been suspsended because of too many tickets.  (He cannot heed speed limit signs and has had too many accidents.)   I believe that this is the third time that his license has been suspended .. for these same exact reasons!  

I was so totally dumbfounded when I found out about his last offense!!  Our son is living at home .. is not wanting for anything .. he said he had $20 in his pocket .. but he still "felt" like he had to have more money!  We believe that our son is so intent on having/keeping his "friends", that he feels always like he has to have more money to "woo" those friends with.  

I was just absolutely positive .. from his responses to all of last springs offenses, that we would not have any more problems (criminally wise) with our son.  Well, that was not so.  

He now faces jail time .. for probation violation.  So he has to go to court a couple more times now .. to face the recent purse taking charges AND  his probation violation charges.  

His dad and I pretty much decided that we were not going to help him this time.  We were under the impression that he would not  make it in any kind of a jail setting because of his serious "social interaction problems".  At this point and time we are at a loss as to what more can be done .. except that our son now face the music.  

My husband and I are so terribly heartbroken over our sons "actions" this past year.  We are beside ourselves as to what more we can do for our son.  

I guess you can call this a "just venting" post.  I am feeling like there really aren't any answers for us (or are son.)

JustHoping

So sorry to hear this and I wish I could think of something good to say. It certainly seems that your son is not learning anything while others are paying his fines for him (no matter how well intentioned) so I agree with your idea of not paying fines any more.

Pam,

Thank you VERY MUCH for your response!  Posting your situation and your perspective really has "helped" me!!

I am very nervous about our son living on his own.  He has demonstrated (repeatedly) that he is not able to budget his money and continually makes very poor life choices.  

While in middle and high schools, my son did not really have any "friends".  After he got his job and a car, he "discovered" that he could have "friends" .. if he did many favors for them.  He would drive them all over the place and buy things for them and on and on ..  

This seems to be his new(er) obsession .. getting and "keeping" those friends.  And he will do "anything" to do that.  In my perception .. his most recent "criminal activity" is because he is so concerned about having money to "finance" his keeping his friends.  (???)  He lost his job in February and had no criminal record.  After being out of work for two months .. he somehow got in his head that he could "steal".  We can't understand "why" because he has everything (in our perception) that he needs!

Our son is making no move towards independence.  Since he lost his job, lost his driver license, and has had all of the legal problems, he spends most of his time sleeping and/or eating.  I might add that his doc just upped his risperdal dosage by 1/2 mg .. hoping that it will help him with his impulse control.  

Anyway .. for him to be able to make any moves towards independence .. assisted living or otherwise, we need to get him "processed" through the system.  We are in the process of filling out forms for his application for SSDI.  

This is all so overwhelming for me .. and I am worried about how I fill these forms out .. and also how he should.  The questions are so basic .. its hard to know how to point the finger at (his) disability.  Also, my son is in total denial about having any kind of a disability .. so I'm thinking that I am going to have to coach him as to "how" he should be filling his forms out.  

Do you have any suggestions for filling these forms out correctly? .. In regards to all of his aspergers symptoms/diagnosis?

Thank You!
JustHoping

Hi JustHoping,
   I hope you won't take what I'm saying the wrong way-- you seem a great mum, considering the many parents who wouldve just given up on their adult kids.
  I know all the problems and worries you have written about are very real, very pressing concerns, and i am in no way trying to trivialise them. But so far, we haven't gotten to hear one single strength of your son. What is he good at? What do you like about him as a person?
   Also, you mention that he is in "total denial about having any kind of a disability". I'd be interested to hear more about how you explain or talk about his AS to him.

     Yes - and also do you have a centre in your area that offers support or social groups for those with aspergers. We have one in our area where young people with aspergers discuss and work on issues and socialize. For example parental attitudes and interference might be seen as a problem and brought up but they get feedback and guidance from peers and specialists in aspergers. This I think is much better than psychiatric counselling because they will be working on things that concern them. Issues like friends, jobs etc. will be worked on through the examples of others if not themselves- feedback will be more appropriate and meaningful coming from those who are in the same situation as them and from those who are expert in dealing with those with and aspergers and asperger issues.
     Also - I so agree that you have to supportively and lovingly require him to be more responsible for himself.