Aspies For Freedom

I hear a lot on this forum about people trying to fit in, trying to act NT, and then, it seems, realising that being NT or something you're not is not a desirable path.

I'd like to know why, because I really don't understand. When I was growing up I didn't have any friends, well, one or two (who I don't think actually liked me  :roll:  ) but I was often teased. It was usually about being fat, or having bad hair. When I was a bit older, it was because I didn't know what certain slang meant (having lived in the opposite end of the country) and now, I am teased (I say teased, but physical attacks are a bit more serious than teasing) because I am a goth. Quite a lot of the time my beliefs and sexual preferences come under attack as well, yet I won't change who I am to please someone else, I've never tried to and I've always thought that those who tried to hurt me were never worth the bother.

So even though I am under considerable pressure to change who I am, and what I am I never will. I don't think the thought has ever crossed my mind, so I was wondernig why you felt the need to change yourself?

"so I was wondernig why you felt the need to change yourself?"

what are you talking about? who has said that they want to change?
I think the point here is that we dont want to be forced to change.
Maybe you need to read more of the site as you may be confused.

I have always tried to be myself, but after a while I gave up and became really shy and quiet. Then I just flung myself to the opposite end of the social spectrum and became anti-social, making enemies and pushing people away. Suits me quite well, I recommend it.

I gave up fitting in by the time I was diagnosed.
But as to why I ever tried to fit in- I was lonely. I was depressed. I felt stupid. I was confused. I was ashamed. I was flunking. I wasn't doing to well, and my peers appeared to be doing just fine. I wanted to be happy, or at least smart, so I tried to be like them.
I had been homeschooling, and started school in fourth grade. I quickly made two friends, neither of whose mothers would let me anywhere near their sons. They were in first grade. In my own class, my teachers put in the top groups in everything, on the basis of having met my brilliant parents. The children in these groups were unmercifully cruel. I admired them because they could speak about five times as fast as I could, and their language was totally foreign to me. I did not have a TV(still don't), didn't know any swear words, etc. Also(I suspect that this is connected to AS) I identified(identfy?) as transgendered, although in fourth grade I had never heard of the word. I didn't, and don't, like girls much. For one thing, they talk faster than boys who talk faster than me. For another, they spend a lot of time talking about inane topics. At the time, I didn't realize that the topics were inane, because they talked too fast for me to understand unless I really focused.
I was also a horrid student. This was due to poor organizational skills, a poor concept of time, awful handwriting, no idea of what was expected of me, no theory of mind(my creative writing pieces from that time are full of self-invented words that I felt sure my teacher knew), and not having been in school for a while.
I didn't like my fellow students, and they didn't like me. However, I loved my fellow students, and wanted to at least blend in.
I gave up after sixth grade, and ironically gained friends almost immediately thereafter.

A reason why I might try to fit in - survival.   Most people judge others by first impressions and by clothing.   It is not fair and sometimes just plain stupid but if you stick your head up above the crowd sooner or later someone will throw a rock at it.  It does not matter if you are smarter, faster, best or the worst, as long as you are different:  you are a target.

I used to dress as one might consider goth or lolita goth.  I did not know what that was at the time.  I just liked wearing black frilly clothing.  Now that I am 40 years old I can not wear such things anymore, at least not in public.  Now my style has some people calling me Amish.  But certain places I will not wear my fluffy dresses and bonnets.

Try to think of a uniform for work or school.  It does not have to be an official uniform.  Because what I would really like to wear all the time does not fit the dress code or causes me to be bullied,  I have an unofficial uniform that I wear that seems to please most others and myself.  You might have to dress somewhat like the others but not exactly.  For example, if everyone wears jeans and t-shirts to school, you might have to wear something like that.  It is some what of a compromise but I am happy.  

For example, I am thinking of applying for a job at a store.  They have a uniform top and have to wear black trousers.  I hate wearing trousers.  I would prefer to wear a long skirt.  I will ask if it is allowed but likely unless it was really plain and boring, it would be a problem.   Then I might have to get the trousers.   People can get fired for not following the dress code if it is official.  The infractions against the non-official dress code could also get someone fired while you may never know it.

As for sexual orientation and other beliefs,  just discuss them with others who share the same.  It is no one else's business.  Most people are not interested and just plain prejudice about everyone else's beliefs and/or sexual orientations.  Usually people who seem interested are just trying to convert you to their way of thinking.    This might make hassles for young people living at home.  You might have to respect your parent's beliefs even if they do not respect yours.  Once you are old enough you can move out if you wish and then they will have to respect yours otherwise you might not want to visit them.  Anyway you should try to respect other's beliefs whether they do yours or not.

Hello Anyana,
I you like this forum because we can be ourselves and we should always be ourselves I you have never felt like I you have to fit in here especially here because most of us are Autistic here too that is why I you come to this forum and hope it stays online for a long long long time. I you think Amy and Gareth are the best to to keep the forum going too even though people give them a very very very hard time too.

Tyler

I only found out that I was actually different from NT's this year and I'm 31.  All my life, I thought there was only one type of human being.  ie. no NT and no Aspies.... just human.  And I was having a problem acting like the other kids.  I thought I was failing as a human being (not really... but that I was failing somehow where the others seemed to have it so easy).  I wasn't living up to expectations.  And I just simply didn't want to do what the others were doing and I was having problems fitting in.  So I kept trying my hardest to be like the others because I thought I was somehow not motivated enough or some dumb shit.  

Now that I know why I'm different, it's no use fighting who I am.  So basically, before I didn't think I was who I was supposed to be.  Also consider that I had no other frame of reference than what I was seeing from NT's.  And I didn't fit that criteria... so how the hell was I supposed to know I was ok?  edit: when everyone is telling me otherwise.

To some degree any differences I had were put down to having "a highly strung" or "artistic personality" or being "something I would grow out of".
I didn't feel too much pressure to change or conform until I was about 15 or 16 and then thought that all teenagers went through the same thing.

Now I try and be "myself" but find it hard at times to define exactly what that is as I have spent so many years trying to please other people at the expense of what was best for me.

That doesn't mean I shouldn't have done some things to please others, to make compromises and to avoid antagonising people - it means that I should not have allowed myself to become a doormat or a martyr.

Well, trying not to be too eccentric helps to get more acceptance from other people. And even though I can't stand to be with others some times I still need social contacts other times. So somehow I havt to find a way to "fit in", whatever that may mean.

For me it is, trying to learn the rules of politeness (which I accept is a good thing, even if I sometimes not completely understand why some things are polite and others are rude) and try to follow them. This does not change what or who I am, it's just I'm  not offending other people then.

I have no wish to hurt people who don't deserve it, but having not the slightes touch of natural diplomacy is making this a hard task.

Sibylle

Don´t ask me how i do it but people just laugh at my odities and never give me a hard time about it. It might have to do with my low voice and standard serious expression combined with my maturity and reasoning (you can´t realy bully someone who obviusly have not the slightest fear of you and to whom you feel inferior). Even the NTs who are of the standard half neanderthal breed respect me. I am also improving my social skills all the time, i always say thank you whenever i see a situation that might need it (in sweden that is all the time, getting the ciggarete pack: Thank You, recieving the change: TY...), . I try and look people in the eyes when they are talking to me sometimes just to make sure they don´t get nervous. That sort of thing i do not feel is too hard to try and think of from time to time. Then again im not officialy diagnosed so i can´t realy say if im speaking from the perspective of an NT with autistic traits (which is a posibility, but thats a long list of traits, i recognise things all the time from reading the forum), or from that of someone on the spectrum.

The main social problem i have is that i can´t realy keep in touch with old friends, nor increase the time i spend with friends at school, i feel doomed to only have some friends at work and my relatives. Having a relationship with somone of the opposite sex seems almost redicolous.

Im thinking about pressing the submit button because especialy the last part seems to personal. Just writing stuff like this down is theraputical.
In no ways do i mean that you just have to trie harder, im just saying that  for me confidence has been the key and i have been lucky to have been able to grow confidence as a child. I got bullied from time to time in 1-4th grade by the older children, but once i pushed someone up against the wall. I think that i after that more and more grew the attitude that "i am much more intelligent than you and if you still give me shit i can just push you up against the wall".

This confidence is the key to standing up for ourselves and what we believe in. We might just have to do a few things to "fit in" but it shouldn't be to the major detriment of who we are. Slavish adherence to fashion is one of those things that I consider too much of an accomodation to make to the wider society.

Dress for what makes YOU feel good is my motto, fellow goth here, and I wouldn't dress any way for anyone else (apart from my girl in some ways though, I want to make her happy of course), but I like the style, so it stays

Welcome to the forums btw

We have no official stance on it, thus it'll continue.

It is still relevant as there was a recent thread in another area about selecting clothes to wear at work. I'd argue that if we can't wear clothes we feel at least a little comfortable in, we will have trouble coping with other aspects of work.

I got chatting to a very pleasant chap outside the shops today. When he said "Try looking at my eyes when you are talking" I knew I had failed the 'normality' test!

He just happens to be a psychologist whose only contact with adult Aspies tends to be with those who were so good at their jobs and at 'fitting in' that they made management - and then fell to pieces. He has to try to help them to pick themselves up again.

He has asked to keep in touch, as he is intrigued by the idea of meeting adults on the spectrum who aren't falling to pieces, but know and accept their differences.

I explained (re the eye thing) that I can either concentrate on his expression, or on the words I'm saying or listening to; he noticed that my otherwise fluid speech became tangled and muddled when I was forced to look into his eyes!

I now declare this thread to be well and truly resuscitated!