Most of the time we love our families and they love us, but it often involves clashes between NT and AS communication styles.
I wonder if i can request other members stories about the difficulties with family? I realise this is personal so please do not feel obliged. At the moment i am having some frustration and try to remember that this time will pass and if i hang on and be honest then things will improve.
My mother broke into my place a few weeks ago and i became very frightened for a while. I wrote my mother a letter and she wrote one back. I prefer to use written communication at this time, but she is a very verbal person and lives just down the road. She cannot understand why i do not want to speak to her yet. I suggested having a mediator but this she does not understand. I would feel less focussed on if someone else were there. It is a stalemate at the moment. But I feel better for having this break from her, although i know it is hard for her. I have found someone to talk to and physically i am not so jumpy. I realise i need to learn from this.
Does anyone else have stories they would like to share?
becca
What makes your mother think that she can "break into" your place any time she chooses? Does she have a key? I can understand giving a family member an extra key in case your key is stolen or lost or you need someone to feed the cats and water the plants if you are on vacation. They should not be going into your place for any reason without your consent. You could ask for your key back unless she agrees not to do that again. Ask her if she would treat a dear friend that way? and why would she treat her own daughter so badly if she would not treat her friends that way.
My parents have given me a key to their home but I never use it. They always think it is silly when I knock on the door. They say, you used to live here, why do you need to knock? I feel I have to respect their home and their space. They respect my home. I admit that I could invite them over more often than I do.
Writing letters is often a good way to communicate because you have time to think about what to say. I find I sometimes say the wrong thing if I am talking to someone.
You might like to set a regular time for visits or phone calls weekly or what suits you. Not everyone likes to have visits daily or daily phone calls. She can save up her news and gossip for one visit or phone call. Just as long as she still feels that you love and appreciate her, it will be fine.
I remember one friend who would just unplug her phone when she did not want to talk to anyone. Her father became frantic when he could not reach her for a few days. He honestly thought she had some accident. He came over to her place and had her landlady open the door. She was in bed, quite surprised. I suppose she had also refused to answer her door as well. She eventually got a phone answering machine to use to screen her calls when she did not feel like answering the phone. She lost a few friends by just angrily telling them not to call or ignoring them instead of telling them to call her just once a week at a certain time where she could give them her full attention.
I used to have a problem with my mother constantly nagging me about buying a house. We can not afford to. She seemed to think that this was the most important achievement in life. I also got sick of her asking when we were going to have a baby etc. I do not wish to discuss these details with her. It is hard enough to talk to my husband about certain subjects. I just told my mother one day that I would not like to discuss certain subjects with her, ever. I asked her not the mention those topics and I would walk out of the room if she started. She know understands that certain topics are taboo with us. Now there is somewhat peace.
I'll assume everyone has read my thread in treatment in society on this subject so I won't bother repeating my story here, but i'll just make some comments:
If ANYONE breaks into your property, regardless of who they are, that is a criminal act and should be treated as such. As I mentioned on the other thread, my mother and grandmother have attempted to push their way into my house and this will be dealt with in the appropiate manner. For those who wish to preserve a relationship with their family taking legal action may not be the best choice - in this case, a simple verbal warning (or a letter
) is more suitable.
I've been going through this, my family blames me for the fact that I endured severe bullying in elementary school, that I should have "learned" not to come across as "rude" something I wasn't even aware of. I did have speech therapy as a child, which was one of the reasons for the bullying. When I was growing up, they didn't know about Asperger's, only the low-functioning autism, so I was only diagnosed within the last year. I become extremely anxious during social situations around strangers, which is common among Aspies, and when I was finally diagnosed as an adult, the psychologist recommended medication for the anxiety which is something my family is very much against. I seriously believe that if there was a prenatal test for any autism spectrum disorder, they would have aborted me.
I just had a bad psychiatrist who once gave me something I did not need only because I mentioned a family history of bipolar disorder. That drug just made me too drowsy to function in my college classes, so I had the doctor take me off it after about a week. I was seeing him for depression before I was even aware of having Asperger's. They think that all psychiatrists are like that quack, which is absolutely not true.
I am lucky and have an Aspie dad and a Cousin mom. I do, however, have a whole bunch of social people on my aunts side who are not exactly the brightest people. I usually avoid them, just can't take it over there.
I think my mum in particular believed that if I could just show more of an interest in other people, I would have got on better. This could easily be true but I didn't know how to do this and am still learning years later.
This caused a certain amount of conflict between us until recently. I think she was also annoyed that I was too "clingy" and lacking in confidence but she can understand about the lack of confidence thing as back in the days she and I went to school, children were not encouraged to think very highly of themselves and their abilities.