Aspies For Freedom

Gareth, just in case you haven't already done so, if I were you I would completely cut off contact with your family until they regain their sanity.

My mom did this sort of thing to me....would NOT let me leave home even though I was 18+ years old. She claimed that even though I wasn't ***, "something" was "wrong" with me and I could not live independently (they also refused to help me with any skills in that area, so at the time it was true). I tried to get away, they hauled me back and screwed all the doors and windows shut!!! This was illegal, but I didn't know it then.....

I would change your phone number and address, and don't give it to anyone who will give it to them. Ideally, move and don't give them that info either...

Oh lord, your family make my mom seem benign.

I'm just recovering from a tailspin caused because my mother sent me a letter saying, "you weren't abused and neglected like I was!" WTF? What was the deal with the belt, then? This from a woman who has never in her entire life said ONE NICE WORD to me. Bah!

And what I've learned is, if your mother hates you, the entire world hates you. Because everyone thinks it's so unnatural for a mother to hate her child, they think it must be your fault and therefore, they're obligated to treat you like ***.

It's not even the style of corporal punishment that makes it abuse. It's the sheer arbitrariness of it. If you knew that doing x would get you wacked with a belt, then not doing x would keep you from getting hit with a belt. While I'm not a fan of corporal punishment, I wouldn't say it's abuse in that instance (assuming no physical damage). My father used to spank me, but only when I bit my brother. Ergo, not abuse. It would never matter what I would do or not do to set my mother off. One time, during a ceremony when I won the most prestigious prize at my high school, my mother tried to break my hand right in the middle of the ceremony. I was yelping in pain, but the ceremony continued as if nothing was happening, and everyone pretended my mother wasn't breaking my hand. No one looked at me and no one tried to stop her. Afterwards, I was utterly invisible. I held my mangled hand as everyone walked right by me without even looking at me or acknowledging my existence. I won the most coveted prize and NOT ONE PERSON congratulated me. But because my mother tried to break my hand right in the middle of the ceremony, I ceased to exist. And everyone thought it was my fault and that I deserved it. To this day, I have no idea why she did it.

That said, I am not a fan of corporal punishment, not because of the potential for abuse, but because it's inefficacious. All my dad's spankings never did get me to stop biting my brother. I even told him much later that had he sat me down and asked me WHY I was biting my brother, it would have stopped that behavior in its tracks. "But you could barely talk at that age." But that's the point. The sheer effort of trying to put it into words would have been such torture to me, I would never have dared set my teeth on my brother ever again.

Anyway, I told my dad that had I disappeared, they wouldn't have needed dental records (which at the time they didn't have because they never took me to the dentist) they could have just taken my little brother to the police station and photographed his arm. :smile: My dad didn't think that was funny.

Gareth, this is terrible. I wish there was more I could say to help but how is that people who are obviously so unstable are getting away with what they are doing? It seems that whatever we say is only believed until somebody in more authority eg. parents contradicts it and then the other people believe them instead.

Anyway, I think you have done so well in getting this website started up.

Is it like Harry Porter when his uncle put bars on his window and his friends had to rescue him in their flying car?

I was so angry when Harry had to go back to that family after the first year at school.  I could not believe it.

Do you want to start a new thread on this subject of family communication?  This is so noone will take away the focus of Gareth's situation.  People are trying to give him support and care.  It would be great to have a separate thread to talk about other people's families and their methods of communication.  It would probably help some people who are parents too.

Gareth it is sad that your family is bad to you.  

Gareth, it seems to me that your family are holding your 'things' over you.

I know it might seem tough, but let those 'things' go, it seems to me that your family are just being petty, spiteful, and vindictive, because like you said, those bits of paper are no use to them, they're just using them to cause you pain and anxiety.

I'm not entirely sure, but I think it's unlikely you would actually need those examination certificates, it's enough to put on your CV your qualifications, you don't usually need to produce the actual certificates.  

If you do need proof of your qualifications, maybe your school or college where you took those exams can provide you at least with a formal 'To whom it may concern' letter, detailing the exams you took and the grades achieved?  Or maybe if you write to the examining bodies concerned, explain the situation to them (and your financial circumstances, i.e. living independently, still in education and not able to afford expensive replacement fees)?  Maybe they would waive any charges and issue replacements free of charge?

I cut myself off from my family a very long time ago and I don't regret it for a minute.  If people cause you harm and try to hurt you, you don't need them in your life.

To you and Amy: {{{hugs}}}

How could someone get their exam certificates replaced or receive an official copy of them if their home burned and they were destroyed?  I am sure that could happen.

Usually the organization has a impressed stamp on the paper of the certificate and they can be notarized.  It seems reasonable if they asked you to pick them up in person or produce identification to prove who you are.  You do have a valid passeport.  I guess you are more concerned about the fee involved.  

See what happens in the next month or so.  Your family might start feeling sorry for what they did.

Gareth, I'm so sorry all this garbage is happening to you and can't believe a person's own family could be so vindictive. It seems they are cranky because you have got out from under their influence and are making a life of your own. Just remember a lot of people are thinking of you, myself included.

I am shocked and saddened by all this.  :cry:
I am so glad my parents aren't that way. I'm so sorry for you.

I have no idea for what reasons relatives would do such things. They must think that they are right and you are wrong or that you have done something terrible wrong.

Whatever you did for their miscomfort should only be a reason for discussions, but nobody has the right to make somebody elses life miserable only because they won't agree their ways of life.

This is your life and from a certain point (usually the date one is of legal age for anything to decide on his own) you should even be "allowed" by your relatives to do your own faults (if they are faults in their views). If they want to warn you, that is ok, but any decision is your own thing.

Keeping anything of your property (passport, exams or whatever) in my eyes is just the same as stealing it from you.

I don't always do things as my parents would - and then they tell me, but they won't try to force me into it. I can tell them: You got your ways, I got mine.

I think it is very sad, how family can react if someone decides independent to do something.

Sibylle

Flardox, this was a while ago but I think they were able to get some of the problems sorted.

It's a sad theme here that a number of the people are having trouble with their families: some with family members who don't understand them and expect them to act "normal" all the time ranging to family members who have been out and out abusive.

Congratulations!

I'm really pleased for you.

And I hope against hope that the unpleasant behaviour you've suffered will now cease forever and your family will now feel respect and admiration (as we all do) for you.

You have been invaluable in creating a space here where those of us who have failed to 'fit in' elsewhere can be ourselves and be respected for who we are, rather than vilified for who we aren't.

For those of you with awful relationships with natural parents:
Thanks to the sterling efforts of Gareth and Amy in creating this community there are plenty of us older ladies here who would happily step in as 'cyber-mums' and will dispense congratulations and beam proudly upon the efforts of you younger 'cyber-sons' and 'cyber-daughters'!

My parents are like this too.

I genuinely wish you the best Gareth because I really do understand what it is like.

Take care and kind wishes.

That's what every abusive family tells the one who tries to escape their abuse.