Aspies For Freedom

Ignorance is bliss - right up until it get's you killed. A little extreme I know, but there is some truth to it.


I wonder if some undiagnosed aspies think they fit in and are respected more than they really are, and would it ever be possible to tell them the truth without causing great calamity?

A friend recently told me that it looks like I'm scowling at people and looking down on them and I wasn't even aware that I do this. Rather then being hurt I was curious as to why she thought that as it might explain why I get such a bad reaction from my neighbours and it's also made me think how others look to me. I'm really glad she told me (albeit a little suprised) otherwise I might never have worked it out because I wasn't looking for it. I wasn't offended by what she said because she wasn't being malicious, it was just something she'd noticed.

If this person knows that you aren't a 'bad egg' then I don't think they will be offended, they may be hurt through realisation and a little stunned by it, but it the long run of things I'd say that it would be better for them to know.

I was very glad to learn I was an Aspie because it gave me such a depth of understanding of who I was and why I respond to things the way I do, it certaintly hasn't made my life more difficult and in some respects has actually made things easier.

Knowledge about oneself is a good thing as far as I'm concerned

Actually having a formal diagnosis answered a lot of things from my childhood and gave me closure - it also offered my family to learn about who I really am.  They're really proud of the way I've gained confidence and am more relaxed about being me - they got a few surprises as well.  As I stopped being who I'd learned to be to be accepted, they discovered that I have a sense of humour that I have opinions and that I am intelligent, all things I hid for fear of rejection.

I agree with Brightman wholeheartedly, and can only say from a personal point of view that having confirmation and learning that there was a genuine reason for my differences, made me realise I'm not in ANY way 'abnormal' and most important I'm not alone in the world, there is a huge population like me :wink:

Debs

Good to see you here!  I have to agree, when the boys were diagnosed we were sent away with no information and no back up support and had to research what it meant on our own.  It was  when the children were diagnosed and I began my research it rang warning bells about me, since then we have four generations who've opted to be assessed and all of us have AS.

Debs

I have to say that I dont' entirely agree with blaming AS or NT individuals - if we are going to be fair we have just as many difficulties understanding the subtleties that they produce, as they have with us.  Yes we do speak in comrehensive language terms but we tend to be specific, literal and naturally expect that because we produce language others should naturally understand us.  Is that fair when we often misinterpret meanings, facial expressions and body language.

You're citing a classic situation where a formal diagnosis would be helpful - it would give a family the opportunity to learn about why they may not always see eye to eye with the AS family member.  It gives them the choice to learn about why thought processes differ and gives equality to the AS and NT family members.  If you're on equal footing then it's easier - my family have changed a great deal since I was diagnosed and I've learned that many of the misconceptions from birth to 39 have been mine and my family have been left confused as to interact with me.  We still have hiccups but nowhere near as bad as when we were all in the dark.

Debs

Sorry feet in mouth again!!!  I know what you mean about NT's misinterpreting us far more than we do them.  I don't advocate formal over informal - it's very difficult to advocate formal when there are so few experienced diagnosticians.  I suppose what I'm trying to get across and rather badly is that often it can provide closure or a sense of relief, but we shouldn't feel forced into formal diagnosis which it often feels like.

Oh yeah, that assumtion about our emotions - you know the time I have the biggest problems is if there's a death in the family.  Everyone wailing and sniffing into hankies and then there's me in the corner thinking "Well at 89 she had a good life so where's the fire"!!! :roll:   Do they choose to do it or do they 'learn' to do it?  As you said anyones guess - oh and if 'anyone' can answer that both Lili Marlene and I would be most grateful

I've been forced to 'prove' my diagnosis and it has caused more problems for me at this point - as I mentioned in a previous topic here in the UK Social Services are making AS families the subjects of child protection proceedings and are removing children and placing them up for adoption with NT families :evil:   They have attempted to use my AS against me but thankfully it has backfired and made them look very stupid :lol:

LM, let me ask you this - do you feel a desperate need to be formally diagnosed or are you happy and settled as you are?  Only you can answer that, and all I can say is that like every challenge we as Aspies face there are pros and cons and you have to weigh them up for your personal situation.  Hope my feet have remained out of my mouth on this one :shock:

Debs

depending on what you work as, it may or may not be a good idea to tell your employer. if you are a programmer for example, telling your employer you have AS may be an advantage. however, if there is any reason for your employer to believe that you may be incapable (doesn't matter whether or not you actually are) it is best not to tell them unless you feel confident to educate them. if you need help educating your employer, i suggest you point them to http://www.autistics.org/library

Hi margsol, if you want to chat to other women with AS, you can come tothe AFF chatroom, often there are me and another woman with AS that you could chat too. If you click on the "chat" link on the front page of the site, you will get to the chatroom.  

If there were some kind of legal protection against "social skills" discrimination, there would be good sense in telling your place of work, but that is not (yet?) the case. The question then can only be answered case by case, and my own feeling is that for most people, if you've actually got a job, and are getting by, then it's best to say nothing.

Exceptions would be if you had a sympathetic senior manager who particularly admired your technical ability, say, but even then it's unlikely it would be made known to all the work force (there's no incentive from a manager's point of view). It might just make some difference behind the scenes though (if another manager wanted you sacked, say) but first, one must find that "sympathetic" manager, and my own experience is they are rare (and becoming rarer...).

I think you should tell people why you have it so that way they can find out why you act so "weird" to them when it's normally perfect for you... but I do agree with not telling employeers... I dunno.

I only have access to the internet at work, and I don't think hanging around in a chatroom is appropriate use of the facilities. Does anyone know of any other sourcess of support for women with AS? I asked this question at the Camberwell conf in September (see Announcements), and was told that there was a group in London plus some support groups for married women. I'm ruled out on both counts!

Some people do use the internet at work for personal use, (naughty people),  could you try an internet cafe?
Or a second hand computer at home, even though it may seem expensive, if you can do it all on a budget it is well worth having the access at home.

I spend all my worktime staring at a computer screen; I don't want to spend my leisure time square-eyed as well.

Aren't there any support groups in my area? I can't be the only Aspie in Exeter!

Call me old-fashioned if you will, but I wish I could speak to a real person, not a username or an avatar. (A Real Person is the title of an Aspie autobiography, incidentally)

You could try and set up an AFF local group, let the local newspaper know and they usually have a section for things like that.
I'm not saying you would want to do that, but as there are so few groups, that is one of the aims of AFF, to give people a chance to get together with others with AS.
Would you consider it?

I've never led a group activity in my life, and I'm nervous to say the least about exerting authority. A problem I have had with every support group I've attended is the presence of a small but vocal minority of attenders with nothing better to do but muck around, witter off-topic and swap childish jokes. Presumably telling them to "shut the fuck up!" (which would be my instincitive response) would not be a constructive approach. One Aspie woman I corresponded with reckoned that support groups were inevitably self-selecting in the kind of people they attracted - or put off.

We had a discussion about support groups on Aspergia.com, and someone asked whether anyone had succeeded in organising an Aspie-led group, and whether it had worked. I'm not sure if anyone replied to that.

I dont think it would be easy, but if theres no group in your area it might be worth thinking about.
A notice in the paper could ask people to attend to a pub or whatever and it could start very informally. How many turned up could show if it was worthwhile, and worth continuing with.