Aspies For Freedom

Here are the ten types of personality disorders that AS people might be disagnosed with by the ignorant (or people who think they understand psychology because they have read a text book).

from
http://allpsych.com/personalitysynopsis/...rders.html

"Maladaptive Patterns of Interacting

Personality Disorders are characterized by an enduring pattern of thinking, feeling, and behaving which is significantly different from the person's culture and results in negative consequences.  This pattern must be longstanding and inflexible for a diagnosis to be made.  There are ten types of personality disorders, all of which result in significant distress and/or negative consequences within the individual.  These ten disorders are broken down into three personality categories, or clusters as described below.  Keep in mind that for a disorder of this type to be diagnosed, the pattern must be longstanding (often several years) ad must be present in all aspects of the person's life.  In other words, if the exhibit the behaviors only with their spouse or parents but no one else, it does not constitute a disorder.



Cluster A

Paranoid

Paranoid Personality Disorder includes a pattern of distrust and suspiciousness in others.  These individuals are preoccupied with doubts about people's motives, have a difficult time trusting others and often look for the 'real' motive behind behavior.  They may read into benign remarks, be rigid in their views and quite unforgiving of the behavior of others.  Intimacy is difficult as they may be diligent in checking up on their spouse or friends, seeking to expose their infidelity and therefore confirm their suspicions.  



Schizoid

Schizoid Personality Disorder refers to a pattern of detachment from social norms and a restriction of emotions.  They often do not enjoy contact with others, not even close friends or family, and prefer solitary activities.  They are seen as uninterested in social interaction and indifferent to how others perceive them, whether positive or negative.  The individual with this personality disorder may also be seen as lacking emotion, including happiness, excitement, anger, distress, or any other than is considered a normal reaction to people and events.



Schizotypal

The Schizotypal Personality is often described by others as strange acting and/or thinking.  They have eccentric ideas about the world, may be highly superstitious, and talk frequently about their beliefs.  They often spend a great deal of effort on activities related to magical thinking, clairvoyance, telepathy, or ESP.  They also speak in a metaphorical tone, often coming across as confusing and overly abstract.  They often lack close friends and suffer from social anxieties.  Their presentation is seen as odd, as they often dress in a peculiar manner and come across as suspicious and lacking in emotional expression.



Cluster B

Antisocial

Antisocial Personality Disorder is perhaps one of the most recognized and identified in modern literature and entertainment.  It has been called Sociopathic Personality and Psychopathic personality in previous versions of the DSM.  It refers to a pattern of disregard for the rights of others, including the violation of these rights and the failure to feel empathy for victims.  They may be impulsive and act on their anger of misperceived injustice they project onto others.  Some research suggests that there is a large percentage of individuals currently incarcerated with this disorder, as their actions and views of the world very frequently get them into trouble with the law.



Borderline

This is another disorder that has received some attention in the entertainment arena.  It includes a pattern of instability in personal relationships, including frequent bouts of clinginess and affection and anger and resentment, often cycling between these two extremes at a rapid pace.  They fear abandonment and this fear will often result in anger and aggressive behavior or acts that are used to 'make' others love them or stay with them.  These acts include psuedo-suicidal behavior, self-mutilating behavior such as cutting, and instability of mood.



Histrionic

Histrionic Personality Disorder is seen as a pattern of excessive emotional behavior and attention seeking approaches with others.  They are often uncomfortable if they are not the center of attention and may use physical appearance, such as a provocative manner of dress, or explicit sexuality as a means to gain this attention.  They often see relationships as more intimate than they really are and are seen as moving very quickly once they become involved with someone (e.g., they may see a person they just met as their best friend or a person they dated once or twice as their future spouse).



Narcissistic

This disorder is recognized by a pattern of grandiosity, exaggerated self-worth, and need for admiration from others.  They are often preoccupied by fantasies of power, success, beauty, or intelligence.  They often require excessive attention and admiration as well as demonstrating a sense of entitlement.  They may be seen as envious of others, angry, and exploitative.



Cluster C

Avoidant

Avoidant Personality Disorder is seen as a pattern of self-perceived social inadequacies, low self-esteem, and hypersensitivity to criticism.  They avoid activities that involve interaction with others because of these feelings and will avoid any risk taking, even minimal, out of fear of embarrassment of humiliation.



Dependent

Those with this disorder are often seen as helpless and fearful.  They need excessive reassurance from others and will be indecisive without this assurance.  They will often go along with the group without expressing any opposing opinion because they lack faith in their decision making process and feel their own beliefs are not as important as the beliefs of others.  They fear that they will be left alone and will therefore not be able to take care of themselves.  This fear can result in desperate and excessive attempts to obtain nurturance and support.



Obsessive-Compulsive

Like the disorder that shares its name, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder is seen by a pattern of obsessive cleanliness, perfection, and control.  These individuals are often preoccupied with details, rules, and other forms of straightforward indisputable approaches to interacting with the world.  They are often inflexible in their ideas, difficult to work with unless others follow their guidelines, and may be considered overly conscientious and devoted to specific activities (such as work or friendships).  While the disorder known as OCD has a similar name, that disorder is more concerned with a more specific pattern of obsessions (e.g., germs) and compulsions (e.g., hand washing).  The personality disorder is more focused on an overall pattern of perfectionism and control."

Calling it "male" behaviour is every bit as prejudicial as calling it an autistic trait.  FWIW, it's also a very good description of an ex-girlfriend.  I endured it for years because I was so besotted with her, but eventually I escaped, thank goodness.

But I don't attribute the characteristic to women in general.

There may be therapies for personality disorders but someone with Asperger's might not be helped by them if the therapist doesn't know they have Asperger's.    What do you think?

Uschi, that's exactly right - all too often, religion is used as a club to enforce other people into submission. I feel that true Christians would be more tolerant of others and not have so many nit-picking rules like length of hair. I have a personal opinion about people like that, but it isn't very ladylike and as he is your husband, I won't say it.

In pyschiatry, it is not uncommon to have a situation where the sicker partner is not going to therapy because they have projected their symptoms on the the partner who is going to therapy. Sometimes, they are making their partner sick too by "gaslighting" them ie. doing things to make them think they are going out of their mind.

You also get that same kind of thing with parents and kids. That's why it's often the case where the interaction of the family with the person in therapy must be investigated.

The hair thing is very interesting- i have very long hair and i think i get some preconceived ideas from others about that. sometimes i get positive/negative vibes for no discernable reason. i am not the least bit religious although i am interested in others beliefs. older people and little kids are lovely and it helps me talk to them. contrary to uschi- i like the feel of my hair as like an animal around me.

sometimes the way someone responds to us is because of their own way of thinking. apart from my hair, which few others have( it is red also) i tend to mirror other people so i have received a wide variety of interpretations. This results in a different dx from each person who feels they have read enough textbooks to give their opinion.

so whatever i get i could probably find those traits in that person. it is rare to find someone who does not in some way, DX.
becca

Uschi, your husband is practicing some type of legalism.  

I have long hair (a woman) and constantly have to put up with people suggesting that I cut it.  If a Christian woman wants to cover her head, be submissive to her husband, wear long dresses all the time etc, then that is her choice in devotion to God.  It will not assure her salvation.   It is just extra.  It does not make her better than others.  I am a Christian woman who does cover her head, have long hair, choose to be submissive to her husband and wear long dresses.  I have no judgement against Christian women who do not choose to do these things.  

It is truly a shame that your fibromyalgia causes you so much problems that you could not have long hair if you wanted.  It is really stupid of any church people to judge you on that issue.

If people wanted to live strictly by the Bible rules, they could not have cheese on their hamburger or wear a polyester and cotton mix shirt.   But following rules does not make anyone a Christian.   The scriptures do say a man is to love his wife as their own bodies.   (Ephesians 5:22-33).  (notice part about feeds and cares for it)  Maybe your husband hates himself.

My brother and father have beards.  A first they were bristlely.  After they grow more, they are softer except after they get them trimmed.  I would hate it if my husband grew a beard.  His face is scratchy if he does not shave everyday.  

I do think you are doing "good works" posting up your replies on internet forums.  I have been helped and encouraged by many of your replies.  So really, your husband must just be angry about something when he says that you are wasting your time.  If you are feeling sick, there is not much else you can do.  

Maybe I should stop boring everyone with all this religion.

Uschi, it's kind of scary to me that anyone would act that way and I think you're a saint to have coped with this for 26 years. I think there is a special place in heaven for people who've had a difficult spouse.

Lili, I believe it's a measure of both. With him, his order of importance is: Work (he brings it home every night and weekend), church, much of the time twice on Sundays as well as all kinds of meetings and functions during the rest of the week (he is an elder and the head of missions), volunteer work in the community (oh, he is such an angel to be helping troubled youth, and soooooooooo kind and loving), more work, canoeing and camping in the summer, and maybe finally, his family. We come definitely last most of the time.

He just loves to be surrounded by people all the time, the more the better. And of course, I am unable to participate in all the social stuff he does. He loves parties, he recharges his batteries by being with lots of people. I, on the other hand, get drained by people, and recharge in peace, quiet and solitude.

And Ken doesn't have any idea who I really am. He consistently reads me wrong, but when I tell him that, he claims that he is right, and I don't even know myself  :roll: . He'll tell me I am angry when I am not, he'll say I am yelling even though I've explained to him that my 'volume control is broken', as in not realizing it when I get louder, he'll tell me that 'scowling and frowning is unbecoming of a Christian woman' when I am concentrating on something I am doing, he'll claim I don't appear to be joyful (and of course, Christians should always be joyful  :? ) when I look serious and unsmiling, even though I've explained to him that I don't naturally smile unless I make a conscious effort to do so, and the list could go on and on and on. Everything I say seems to be invalid, because I am not like him. Only his way of being is 'right'.

He refuses to read any more books on AS to understand me better, since after reading Liane Holiday-Willey's book and a couple of others (which only one I now consider even helpful) he considers himself an expert now and knows all about me, and there is more important stuff he could be reading (like books on how to evangelize more effectively, and of course, the bible).

On the other hand it's impossible to seriously hate him. He works hard and always provides financially for us. Of course, with his legalism, I can be absolutely certain that he'd NEVER be unfaithful. And when I get myself in trouble, he'll always bail me out. Like fourf weeks ago, when I had an appointment in Toronto (the next really big city), which is an hours drive away (and he works there), and the car broke down right on one of the busiest streets on my way home (I managed to get myself into a side street and find a phone). When I called him at work, he quit work early and came by subway and bus to rescue me. Within an hour of calling him, he came jogging (literally) around the corner towards the car, knowing that I'd be upset and needed somebody.

Since the van (which he drives most of the time) gets parked in a big parking lot half an hour north of us, from which he takes a bus to Toronto and then the subway to work to avoid the traffic jams and high parking costs in Toronto, he drove the car there (nursing it carefully in a way I wouldn't have known), and I drove the van to our mechanic, where he brought the car right away on our way home.

So, even though he drives me out of my mind, I can always count on him to look after me when I am in serious trouble. Which, of course, makes things even harder in a way, because it is confusing and puzzling to me how somebody can be so inconsistent, almost like two entirely different people.

Actually, almost everybody assumes that we have a perfect marriage, and that our family life must be 'heaven on earth', especially because our kids are so beautiful, happy, loving and well adjusted. Our 22year-old son has just been commissioned a full pastor of our church a couple of Sundays ago (with the full blessing of the higher up authorities), even though he has only finished one year of theological college (he will still be taking correspondence courses and go back to college full time when that is necessary to get his degree), and he genuinely deserved it (he is now our youth pastor and is responsible for worship, including the music, he is a fabulous musician). Nobody can see that they turned out so well thanks to me, not Ken. If I wouldn't have always stood between them and Ken, taking the flak when he was (and is) so very unreasonable, they would have ended up like the troubled youth he is helping.

Because of that, sometimes I doubt my own sanity, and the validity of my perception of who he is. But then I talk to people like Ken's cousin's wife, Mindee, who I visited last week for a whole day while in Ottawa (visiting my oldest daughter and her family). She is one of my best friends, and I can always talk to her. She told me that she prays for me every day, because of my hard life. She has spent enough time with us over the years to see that everything I say is true. She and her kids can't stand the sight of Ken, he makes them so mad. She clearly sees the way Ken treats me, with condenscension and unreasonable expectations.

It makes her furious that a few years ago, after I found out I have fibromyalgia (which she has also), Ken talked to her about it, asking her advice. She, wanting to help me (and knowing that he assumed I was just lazy when I was too sick to do the housework), told him what worked for her to function better, and told him about all the problems. She felt really good about this talk, hoping that it had made my life easier.

Little did she know, until I told  her (knowing that she meant well), that Ken dismissed all the stuff that might have helped me, and focused entirely on everything she was able to do that I couldn't, expecting me to be like her. Like her being able to walk every day, and having lost weight because of that. He told me I ought to do that, so I would lose weight as well (he is obsessed with wanting me to lose weight). Well, Mindee is one of those people with fibromyalgia who is able to exercise and is helped by that, while I am one of those people who get much worse when exercising. But Ken won't accept that fact. He always and forever finds people who are 'better' than me, and tells me that I should take them as an example on how to improve.

Mindee's daughter despises Ken (and Janet, our second youngest, to a lesser degree as well). She and her dad went on one of Ken's camping trips last year, and she said that NEVER is she going with Ken again, she hated every moment with him.

I've always said that Janet is Ken's obvious favourite, but he vehemently denies that, and most of the other kids don't see it, either (being used to it, thinking our family life is normal, they don't see a lot of things). So, I thought that maybe I was imagining it. But Mindee told me last week, that her daughter has always been appalled by Janet getting away with murder with Ken, wrapping him around her little finger, to the detriment of the other kids. And that she always felt that Janet was entirely obnoxious (which is why she is the one kid driving me insane!). So, I feel validated on that, finally. But even Janet can't stand being around Ken any more, and is planning on moving back out (she came back from college after finishing her photography degree) as soon as possible.

If anyone's spouse was beating them or taking all their money and abusing them, they should leave.  But most of the time people do not leave because if they do, they will be living in a homeless shelter.  

So when we sit down and really thing about how our marriage is, it is not so really bad.  Having friends to talk about our problems helps make people feel better, even if the problems do not causing the distress do not get solved.  When someone has no friends, there is no outlet for feelings and when a spouse does not listen, there is not much help.  I have read some statistics that 80% of marriages with one partner is AS fail (as compared to 50% for all NT??)  

Fibromyalgia is difficult to suffer because people seem to always say "but you do not look sick."   People do not understand and say the person should do all these things even if they are sick.   If someone was living alone with fibromyalgia, they would have to do some cooking, shopping, housework, laundry anyway, but just the minimum.  If the wife or husband can not do this, the rest of the family should be helping clean or at least not making a mess.  I have this article which explains which chores can be given to children at what age and it starts at age 2.  

Some of the really old and sick people in my building have "home care aides" come in to help them.  The government pays some of the fee (the agencies charge $14/hr but the workers get $8/hr).  They might do their laundry and clean abit but they only get 2 hrs/wk help.  Even people who are bedridden, only get 2hr/day and that is diaper changing and bathing and feeding.  So someone with fibromyalgia is just expected to do their own care if they are living alone.  Some of them are even expected to work full-time.

"11 years isn't long when you consider that marriage is supposed to be forever."   not forever, it is until death due them part.  

Unfortunately, some people take that literally and murder their spouse either deliberately, by neglect, or in rage.  Not good.  Best get divorced than come to that.  

I do not agree with the article about divorce that was posted.  It is sexist.  Some men abuse their partners.  Some women abuse their partners.   That goes for heterosexual and homosexual relationships and other types.  

I do think that many people do not go into committments with any logical reasoning.  Some people tend to think that if they love each other that all their problems will work themselves out.  A marriage or live-in relationship should be considered a serious contract not just ruled by emotion.  For this reason, I believe that arranged marriages should be used more often in Western culture.

Well, if my mother would have arranged my marriage, I'd likely be in a worse situation than I am in now. Or else, I'd never have married (which might have been a blessing, but I'd also not have kids and grandchildren), because by the time I was in my early twenties, she had me thoroughly convinced that nobody would ever want to marry me. And she had told me, that if anybody would ever be interested, she'd tell him what I was really like, and he'd lose interest. I am not sure it was a curse or a blessing, that she didn't speak English, and Ken doesn't speak German, making sure she couldn't tell him anything (she was a pathological liar, and never liked me)  :evil: .

Oh, now I understand!  This is why you've put up with the way your husband treats you.  You've been taught by your mother that your feelings and well being don't matter.  But that's wrong and you know it.  Your life is very valuable and no one has the right to make you feel otherwise.

You seem like a strong, opinionated woman and very smart.  Yet you're allowing your husband to treat you in ways that make you wish you were dead.   I know it's him that has control issues and there's no excuse for him to ignore your pain whenever you mention to him how his behavior affects you.  He may be incurable or maybe seeing a therapist  could help change his perspective but Uschi, the issue isn't whether he can change his behavior.  You can't control him either way.  

The real issue is how it's affecting you, now,  psychologicaly, emotionally and how you've allowed this treatment from him for so long you don't know if your feelings are valid anymore.  It's wonderful you love your husband but Uschi....whether you love each other or not is not as important as whether you feel validated, loved and respected in your marriage.    You said that you hope spouses don't have to stay together in heaven?  That is a huge wake up call that you are extremely unhappy.  

No, your husband doesn't beat you.  He does provide for your family and he isn't an all out villian, either.  Yes, things could be worse, but  is this how you want things to be in your household for the rest of your life?  There's this saying that we teach people how to treat us.  If we put up bounderies on what's acceptable in relationships early on, then our whole person is valued and respected by others.  

But if there are no clear bounderies, then that person learns that it's okay to disrespect you, control you, etc.  Your husband treats you this way because he's had years of practice and few attempts from family to set rules on how they'll engage with him.  Of course he believes he's okay because he's been given that message by the family's acceptance of his actions whether by passivity or positive feedback and is further reinforced by his religious beliefs.

You said the only person you can change is yourself and you're right.  You said you can change how you respond to your husband when he's doing something that distresses you.  You can also change the standard you've set for your marriage.  That means putting your foot down and declaring you will no longer be subject to his controlling ways and that you want him to respect you as the person he loves.  You have to tell him exactly what you need from him and if it takes a therapist's help, then visit one.  If he refuses to go, go alone.  But please, life is short and you do not deserve to live under so much distress.

Uschi, I agree with Nirrti - from what I've read of your contributions, you are a strong and intelligent and compassionate person who deserves far better than the type of treatment you've been getting.

If only there was a way you and your young daughter could get away for a holiday for a while. It makes me particularly angry when people who represent themselves as good Christians treat their wives and children badly. That is one reason I became very disillusioned with Christianity when younger.