Pakrat. Of course she can (therein lies the answer I think). Marriage or girlfriend / boyfriend or friend is a social relationship and just doesn't stop between 9.00 an 5.00 I would love for it to. Call it maintenence. Last thing I want to do is do the process all over again. A relationship is hard sensitive work with no shortcuts contrary to movies.
"nough for now my brain is shutting down.
Man i wish i was more crazy. I was more wild when i was a kid but when i was a teenager, i was involded in religion. They taught me never date unless she was the one. I am an agnostic now and have become more relaxed in my views. Plus i feel so much better about myself.
I dated so many times I became an expert. OK some dates barely lasted an hour or two, some a day or two, some for six months etc Even though I'm married today. In fact I was steady with a woman when I met my wife.
How do you know who is the one if you don't go shopping, so to speak. Or get the required social skills. At least most women never thought I was weird unlike guys. Yes I am a "nerd" and detest football and other such "manly" pastimes.
But I certainly could hold a conversation on te particular womens obsession for long periods. maybe therein is the "secret" of attraction. I let them talk.
OK it doesn't come naturally to me or to NT's I suspect, but I'm a fast learner and use my intellect to compensate. This did mean a crash course into something less than interesting. eg Horses for one girlfriend. It was her obsession why would I deprive her of it?
As for asking what is on your mind? Never would I ask that. You lose every time.
Yes I do love women especially my wife. Other guys, NOT, I don't fit in except with fellow aspies where can have a good talk about obsessions that aren't football.
I've been told that before by girlfriends, let's be friends. The real meaning is get lost I hope I don't see you again. Not possible to wind back to a friendship mode. Doesn't work.
I've been told that before by girlfriends, let's be friends. The real meaning is get lost I hope I don't see you again. Not possible to wind back to a friendship mode. Doesn't work.
QFT. It basically means "I can go out with anybody I please but I will graciously give you a few scraps of my time when I don't have a steady and you don't get to complain. However, if you find another partner, I get to whinge about how short a time it took to get over me". Better to keep some of your pride intact and say, let's just go our separate ways and that's that.
Perhaps after a few months or years, you can salvage a bit of a friendship but you have to let yourself heal first if you were seriously romantically involved.
Pakrat couldn't say it better myself.
Naturally that is supposed to be an aspies trait, correcting. Every person I know absolutely hates it. Even my own children. Sometimes I can't help myself and the correction just happens. OUCH. That is trouble.
Yeah, I get a bit irritated if somebody corrects me but if I realise they are right and I am mistaken, I will concede. If I think I am correct, I might say "no, this is the way it's pronounced". I really have to restrain myself from correcting others when they say "haitch" - it annoys so much because it should be "aitch".
I learned the hard way at a young age not to correct adults because it didn't matter if they said the correct thing or not; by definition they were correct simply by virtue of being adults and in a position of power.
Of course one would concede a mistake when using logic. Without logic, NOT. WWIII
Does that mean I might be too logical for my own good? I seem to find other women as mystifying as some of the men here.
No nothing wrong with logic. It just doesn't seem to come into play in social situations. Sigh
I still can't understand some of my wifes communication practices after 18 years. I still do pretty good though.
The problem remains saying one thing and meaning the exact oppossite. And the worst thing I could say if for instance, "you didn't do such and such" Ok what is the problem?
Read, you don't love me enough to take out the garbage. Logically you would simply take it out. Sorry doesn't work. A great big hug and a kiss works and I love you works. Then just take it out quietly. Much later.
How on earth does something logical mean something entirely different is the challenge.
More examples please.
Even my teenage daughter is a good one for saying something and meaning something else. eg You are always on the computer. Translated, means get off the computer now I have urgent need of it to contact one of my friends now. And stay off till I say so.
Its how its said that gives the clue. Taken literally I would say so what. Then that escalates into a full blown argument.
Remind her who pays for the Internet service, and suggest she get her own machine.
End of story. At least in my non-parental mind.
And yes did try that line of reasoning once and had to dodge the book coming my way. Teenage girls even more difficult to understand.
I still can't understand some of my wifes communication practices after 18 years. I still do pretty good though.
The problem remains saying one thing and meaning the exact oppossite. And the worst thing I could say if for instance, "you didn't do such and such" Ok what is the problem?
Read, you don't love me enough to take out the garbage. Logically you would simply take it out. Sorry doesn't work. A great big hug and a kiss works and I love you works. Then just take it out quietly. Much later.
How on earth does something logical mean something entirely different is the challenge.
More examples please.
There's the one where you're at a party or some other "do" at a friend or acquaintance's place and if you ask if they need any help with tidying up and washing the dishes, they probably say "no". I would take that to mean they have everything under control and my assistance isn't required.
But then some people told me it means they do want some help. Well, if so, why on earth don't they say so? That's so ridiculous.
As for taking out the garbage, I always put the bins out myself. It doesn't bother me to do that and nor does it bother me to put the toilet seat down when it is up (although I'm not overly thrilled with wet patches on the floor or skid marks in the bowl).
It really bothers me when women act like martyrs over things like putting the bins out. Why don't they just say "would you please put the bin out"?
Of course the hosts of a party say no if you ask them to clean up. They would hardly say anything else. I just jump in and help without saying anything. That works.
Although a party at my sisters place is a bit different where she does tell me what to do precisely and without attached loaded meaning. She is used to my aspies, but states I have improved dramatically by use of observation techniques.
I know heaps of women who go nuts in an entirely unrelated non-logical direction over very minor things that don't make sense. Its the real communication that is missed and it applies to everyone not just aspies.
I'd say MY rule of thumb to determine meaning. In a sentence, 5% spoken, 20 % voice inflection, 25% eye contact, 50% body language.
Damn. That means I'm missing/misinterpreting 95% of what someone is 'saying'.
No wonder I have practically no friends off the spectrum.
Yes its an ongoing problem for me but I've moved it to something intellectual to cope with. I can get away with for a little while until a meltdown happens then I'm found out.
Thererin is the problem. I need to process multiple streams of information at the same time while ignoring certain items as irrelevant. I cannot do that. I for one must process each piece of information in a linear fashion rather than together in a very quick switch between the multiple strands of information. Very exhausting.
In other words I take in all information available and must make a conscious decision to determine what is relevant. Someone else will take in the relevant information automatically.
Besides the multiple interpretations of the conversation you are actually trying to concentrate on, if you add the background (auditory: other conversations, music, passing vehicles, distant sirens, dogs barking, bird calls etc.; visual: passers-by, flickering lights, all sorts of intersting stuff in interesting colours etc.) and realise that we cannot passively filter any of it out - it makes melt-downs much more understandable!
Yep I average about one or more meltdowns a week and my wife has never been able to figure out why. I try and explain.
She turns on the stereo, the computers are on (networked for business). The children are up, she is talking on the phone. Then there is traffic, school across the road, noisy neighbours, printers you name it etc.
All I can do is just get away from it fast.
Going for a walk around the block can be very calming. All this noise and stress is probably the reason men often go to the pub. I used to think it was a bit mean of them but now I can see why some want to get away from all the nagging and screaming kids.
Problem is the pub is a social atmosphere with noise so its not going to go well with a meltdown and nowdays no-one really wants a ride at her majesties expense in a blue light taxi after a skinfull.
I suspect most of that nagging and screaming is disguised communication and is wrongly interpreted by the guy who must "fix" everything.