Do you guys think its possible to have a girlfriend if you have asperger's syndrome. Im 22, never had a gf, a virgin, and never kissed a girl. I want a gf though. What do you think?
Guess what? I've been married for 18 years. ADVICE: never appear desparate, always invovle yourself with like minded people (join a club)and that doesn't mean the pub.
And get used to rejection, it comes with the territory. Most girls don't want to know a guy at first and DON'T stare, don't follow around like a lost puppy.
And work on your personality.
A book by Newman about sexuality and Autism explains much more than I ever can. Google it to see if a copy is for sale or whatever. It cannot be emphasied enough for the information contained within for both sexes.
I'm sure the girls here could give you some tips.
Above all have fun in public. laugh, Its infectious.
Oh well Ocampo, I can't understand my wife after 18 plus years, there's no chance. Biggest rule, don't stare. And gotta be fun to be around. But apparently the motherly type of woman (they try and change you) likes aspies males. Aspies women, I've no idea.
Appreciated, thats a hard one. Damned if you do damned if you don't. As far as I can work out spend endless hours talking in inane conversation about nothing in particular. Then again, a comment like "where were you?" is loaded. The simple answer is the wrong answer (work). Hence a problem. read "I was lonely and I needed you call me I ned someone to talk to"
Its that special social communication. Inane conversation over a dinner, out and about, it doesn't matter where. always conversation. Anything else pales into insignificance. Gifts? No. Night out? No. D & M about nothing in particular is the way.
Should try being a male trying to talk to a female. My wife loves being talked with especially if its a load of crap that is not logical. No pressure, certainly don't try and "fix', thats dangerous. and opinions don't agree or disagree thats dangerous. If I try to ask about the day I might cop a crack about "why don't you join the police or something" so that doesn't work. But what does is a cuppa and a hug, then some weird sort of mutual nonsensical shared conversation about the day.
Oh I give up its impossible to explain in words. its that darn body language, and those darn pesky social skills learned so well with my wife after a lifetime.
Well you call at lunchtime or during a break just a short call trying to match it to an appropriate part of the day. Its a woman thing and neglect it at your peril as I have found out over time. But call too often "what are you checking up on me?" Its a fine line. You can't win.
So, we have consensus: nobody here gets women. Even the women.
Especially the women. Its a social thing. I know from what my wife has said to me about social relationships women are the cruelest of all when it comes to social isolation of others. especially at school.
Do you guys think its possible to have a girlfriend if you have asperger's syndrome. Im 22, never had a gf, a virgin, and never kissed a girl. I want a gf though. What do you think?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Definitely. There aren't that many out there like this, but you might try to look for someone who doesn't care about being social, like someone who seems like a misfit or is awkward around social situations or who doesn't fit in and see if you can be friends first.
But if you feel comfortable socializing with others but just not so good in the romantic world, I guess you could learn what normal women want. But it's very hard. Women to have a lot of the same insecurities that Aspies have, but they don't know it and will get highly insulted if you point it it out. So you have to make them feel secure without letting them know that they are insecure. I have heard of an anti-communication technique that you might try where you pretend to listen to what she tells you to do, but you really do what you think she wants you to do instead. It involves using another tecnique called mind reading. (Sorry, I'm getting a little bitter here.)
As a woman I agree - we don't even understand ourselves. Sometimes I do/feel something so stupidly female I say out loud "GOD! I HATE being a CHICK!". I am never more a chick when I am in a relationship. I am in one right now with someone w AS, and while there are challenges, I don't think it's that big of a deal. Some good things that AS brings to the relationship is I know when he says something he is being honest. I am confident that he will not cheat on me, not because he can't, but because he says why look for something else when I have something good right here.
One of my chick behaviors that pops up is jealousy. If I see another woman hit on him that emotion slams forward to the front of my head and I am seriously ready to throw down. I do not act on it of course, but it's like what the hell? Where does that come from? I'm a very mellow person! He does not even understand jealousy. He is not insecure because he trusts me and to me that means I can trust him.
I highly recommend reading some books like the others stated. We will do the same eventually. For now he is just reading his first book on AS.
Oh, and as far as the more maternal women picking up AS guys - I think most women are mother types, as we are meant to be right? I don't doubt that it's the really patient/understanding ones that don't mind a little social oddness. And all women think they can change men. Also, ask any woman... all men want to be taken care of by their mommy to some degree. I guess it works out, eh?
Be yourself. Improve on yourself. Have goals for your future. Learn to listen and to share about feelings. HAVE FUN!
None of you are lesbians though. Someone feel sorry for me here.
Of course I feel sorry for you. I like women and can't work the strange creatures out.
I suck at relationships with females.
I have a lot of sympathy for your plight.
(Tough now I have worked out that they are both not "evil" nor "pointy at one end and blunt at the other and glide through the water" ............
None of you are lesbians though. Someone feel sorry for me here.
I feel extremely sorry for you, I actually feel sorry for anyone that goes after females. I can't think of anything worse , they are crazy and irrational.
It's nice to hear a normal female ranting (well my version of normal). I've never gotten on very well with females friendship wise, I prefure to avoid them.
I will now attempt to explain them. Heh.
Females need to feel like they are the most important person in your life.
Females are generally very insecure, especially they ones that are the most confident. Therefore always find a way to tell them how great they are.
Of course, just to make it more difficult there are females that hate having someone tell them they are great the whole time and prefure someone who is distant and mysterious so that it is a challenge. So it might be worth being a bit distant at a start of a relationship.
Females will over analyse everything you say and do and try and give everything meaning. And I mean everything, e.g trying to decode the amount of x's you put at the end of a text/ email. Female's think that if they work it out then they will know how you truly feel about them.
Females want someone to show off to their friends, they want their friends to feel jealous and they want to win (Females always need to win, they are competitive). Therefore do acts of love that they can show off and talk about e.g. buy them jewelry, flowers, do a drawing if you're good at art, a subscription to their favorite magazine, etc. Females don't care how useful a present is, just as long as they can show it off.
The golden rule for females is that they are always right. Even if they are wrong, they will only sulk if you tell them this.
All females will get moody and irrational from time to time, when they get like this they will act like they hate you and push you away. THIS IS A TEST. This is the time when they want to talk to someone about their feelings, they don't want help, they just want someone to pretend to understand. To do this, practice a concerned face, nod your head but not too much, say "I understand" and agree with them. Also ignore anything cruel they say about you, or act hurt if you want revenge. But if you act hurt too often she will feel like you are taking the attention away from her.
Thanks to the OC it is cool to have a nerdy boyfriend. Females like them because they are sweet and clueless about the opposite sex, putting them in control. Also they think it will make their boyfriend be more appreciative of them. Therefore being an Aspie can be a benefit for getting a girlfriend, but only for those that watch lots of tv (so most of them)
Thanks Moo.
(Think that I may remain a bachelor)
Yeah, in this case, I'm pretty sure I've lost, so I'm going to do the only sensible thing at this point, and see if she stills wants to be friends. I value her to highly to lose her friendship. I am going to give her a day or two to cool off first, as I don't want to irritate her further.
What about beinf friends with a girl? I mean, if you've messed up royally, and she asks you to be friends for the meantime and let her get to know you again... won't you just slip into friendship mode?
Well, at this point it's the question I gotta ask myself "Would I rather try to be friends with her, or would I rather just not have anything to do with her?" She was never really my girlfriend, to begin with, so I'm of the mind that I can't know if it'll work out if I don't at least try.
ahhh, sorry about that then. I was probably having a bit of trouble following the conversation. oh well, all's well that ends well
I'd say MY rule of thumb to determine meaning. In a sentence, 5% spoken, 20 % voice inflection, 25% eye contact, 50% body language.
I'd say breaking it up like that doesn't really work. It's more like the spoken words have different meanings, which can be determined through interpreting body language and voice inflection and through context, and with a bit of guessing. But when you hear a spoken phrase you can know there is a very limited set of things it can mean, and it's usually possible to detect the meaning even if you aren't looking directly at the person purely through voice inflections and context (this is what I do most of the time.) Unfortunately this takes a lot more processing power than it would take if you could take in all the available information.
And of course, sometimes you're just guessing. I cope mostly by not talking until I'm really, really sure, or in some cases by just not worrying about it.