Aspies For Freedom

Has he tried reading any books?  I've read a few.

Hmmmm, If you've told him directly what you do and don't like and he's still too rough with you I'm not sure what to suggest.  It might possibly be a sensory problem, he may experience touch differently to you and doesn't realize that he's not being gentle enough.

There are a few books covering this subject that might help, I haven't read them though so I don't know if they will be any help or not.

http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/book.php/is...1843106050

http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/book.php/is...1843108818

I would recommend What Women Want Men to Know About Women by Barbara de Angelis, I found it very educating, but haven't had a chance to apply it much in the absence of women.

heh, yeah, you did ocampo.

I've heard that this is pretty common for guys, but also a lot of us on the spectrum have difficulty with gauging softness/lightness of touch, or with volume of voice, things like that. I also feel pained by light touch, though, so you can ask him directly if this is so for him.

The suggestion of telling him or having a signal every time he's too rough is good too - after all, if he knows you don't want rough touch, then he's probably not noticing that he'd be considered rough.

Also if he initially changes his touch to being softer, but then goes back to being too rough, then you should keep doing the signal that you guys work out in advance. I know a lot of times when it comes to gauging something, that I'll get it right at first, but then drift off, and have to keep being reminded until I get it down.

Signals of when one is doing something right (moaning, smiling, affirmative murmurs, etc.) are cues that are never offensive during sex.

I think of it kind of like learning to drive a manual transmission and getting the feel for where the friction point is for the clutch of different cars.  Takes practice and feedback.

Oh god, yes.  This is a major problem we're conquering in our relationship right now- only it's me who has this problem, not him.  I don't like to be touched too lightly, it makes me feel HORRIBLE in a way that's very hard to describe; if you're going to hold my hand, hold it hard, if you're going to caress my skin, don't do so softly.  I keep having to remind him; he's used to the idea that it's "romantic" to be super-soft.
On the other hand, he likes to roughhouse really really roughly.  I enjoy roughhousing, but not that roughly.  I get scared if he gets "too violent" although to him it doesn't feel violent at all.
Bedroom relations are probably the most complicated things to work through with an AS partner (in my case, we're both completely different kinds of AS, so it's very complicated!), especially one who is inexperienced or has had really bad experiences, because there will be insecurity, lack of knowledge, false expectations, and all sorts of stuff.  In our relationship, neither of us has any prior experience, so we kind of worked things out together.  He has done tons and tons of research though- reading anatomy books, self-help books, the Kama Sutra- he does intense research whenever he wants to be good at something.  I think it's cute.  But I had no idea what to expect and I was really really nervous.  For a couple months, I wouldn't be able to kiss him for extended periods of time because the sensation was so bizarre and new that it made me feel sick.  Even when I did kiss him, I was very nervous because I had no idea how to do it.  We basically experimented until we found tricks that we both liked.

So I agree with previous posters.  He's probably nervous, due to his inexperience- and additionally, if he knows you have more experience than him, he may be afraid that his inexperience will make him unattractive to you.  He may be trying to project confidence to convince you he's "worthy".  Also, he may have sensory differences that make it hard for him to understand vague instructions like "softer", "harder".
Actually, that's an important point, so let me expand on that.
See, many NTs think they are being direct when they say, "softer".  But "softer" is still extremely vague.  To begin with, it makes the assumption that you are both operating with the exact same level of sensation.  This is not true.  Even just between NTs, there is a huge amount of variation in the level of sensitivity to touch that different people have.  So to him, it may feel like he is pressing more softly, but to you it feels like it's hardly changed.  Or, vice versa, he may think he's pressing as soft as he can when it still feels hard to you.
Once you've dealt with that assumption, there's still a question of "how much?"  Just saying, "Be more gentle" does not indicate how much more gentle.  I don't have this much trouble with language myself, but I know if I said this to my bf, he would get frustrated.  In his case, he'd probably try being as gentle as possible, but I can see that for others, they might just guess at how much more gentle to be, or even give up.
So it may seem like he is not trying to do what you've asked, but maybe he is.  I suggest next time you ask him if he's trying or not- then maybe you'll be able to get at the root cause.  I know this might seem unconscionably rude, but AS people are far more open to blunt questions like that than most NTs.  I can actually ask my bf, "Are you listening to me at all?" or other rude questions and get an honest answer.  It's quite refreshing actually.  One of the things I love about him.

Actually, yeah, that sounds like my bf too.  He still can't remember what month my birthday is and it took him an entire year to memorize his own phone number after moving here (he came from a different state to live with his Dad).  He tries very hard to remember things that are important to me, especially things that please me, but he still forgets some very basic things sometimes.
Me, on the other hand, I have an excellent recall memory for facts (not for things I'm supposed to do in a day, though!), so I have almost a sort of mental catalogue of all the things he's told me and the things he likes, etc.  He's still amazed by this.  He's amazed that I can remember minor things he told me once a year and a half ago; he's forgotten that by now.  He's forever telling me stories and things that he's already told me and then he's amazed when I remember them (he doesn't even remember having told them).  It hurts a little bit until you realize he's just a space case and it doesn't have anything to do with whether or not he cares about it.  He's just forgetful.

If I forget stuff, it is an Academy Award performance.

After some difficulty I even managed to remember a woman's name, Ah-nish-ka.  Hint: I broke it down into syllables and remembered the syllables.

Heh.  I remember how difficult it was when my husband and I were touching each other at the same time during intimacy.  Trouble was, I wanted a lighter touch and he required a firmer touch. It was easy to unconciously start being lighter if "I" wanted it lighter, so I assumed he might accidentally get harsher when he was craving more pressure. Trying to remember to do the opposite to him while I was wishing he'd be lighter was like trying to pat your head while rubbing your tummy at the same time.    Sometimes it was easier just to take turns.

I'm male + I'm autistic + I'm straight = three good reasons for a most problematic sexual relationship??

LOL, welcome to AFF, Scooter.

Hoooh....  That's an awkward moment.    Welcome, Scooter, and hope you don't feel too embarrassed!

Heehee, the various threads about my relationship troubles are the main reason I *don't* encourage my bf/husband to come here.

Heh. There are a few extended speeches my dad will go into every couple of years or so, and each time it's almost exactly the same, word for word, and a few years ago when I mentioned that he'd said almost exactly the same thing a few years ago, and again a few years before that, and he was incredulous, didn't even believe he was that "predictable", though I think it has more to do with AS-type repetition and forgetfulness.

Ironically, I can remember little things like this, yet have trouble with birthdays and times tables. That's one thing cool about my friends, is that they haven't held it against me that I have a hard time remembering their birthdays, or with facial recognition (mainly for the first few months I knew them).

It's like, on the whole I have a hard time remembering things like rote memory stuff and facts, but when I do remember something, I remember it often with extraordinary detail, even if it was completely innocuous and I don't care about it, whereas I may completely forget where a classroom is located, or where I've sat in that classroom for six weeks or six months. It can be easily misconstrued as me caring more about the innocuous things than the people, but really it's just my brain working oddly.

Hah, we've been together almost 2 years and my bf/husband STILL cannot remember whether my birthday is in January or February.  But then, it took him an entire year to memorize his own phone number.  I guess he's just bad with numbers.  To be honest, I often have similar trouble, but not as bad as him, and although b-days are hard, phone numbers are actually pretty easy for me.
Do you do any tricks to help you remember stuff like that?  Like, for example, when I started riding a school bus in the morning, I couldn't remember the bus number, so my Dad told me, "Just remember that 107 is the same as 53+53+1".  53 was my bus number, and after that I never forgot it, because it was now associated with a number 7 in my head!  7 is my favorite number and it makes anything easier to remember.