Aspies For Freedom

Hey everyone, my social life isn’t going that well again. Like usual, more of my friends are beginning to isolate me. Usually I put all my effort to keep my friendships stable for a few reasons. Firstly, I don’t want to become a loner, which was one of the reasons contributed towards the bullying I faced. Also I feel limited towards who should be my friends, as I don’t want to end up having ‘forced’ friendships with  manipulative chavs, which that form of bullying that had been ongoing for me at my school. However, with all my effort I try to put in, I still don’t reach the standards of being a ‘friend’ towards my peers. I’m starting to loose my will, that I don’t have a care if I end up loosing contact with most of my friends in the future. So, should I give up or keep trying?

I can't really say as I don't know your situation well enough, but I'd keep going. I know what you mean- I have a hard time maintaining friendships too. I keep trying.

It all depends about why those who are isolating you are isolating you. It could be because you aren't talking to them often enough and they think you've lost interest, it could be because they're being tw@ts, it could be blackmail by chavs, it could even be just because they have closer freinds and don't think they are isolating you.

It’s a bit of mix of that PL. Before sixth form I was bullied so badly that people are scared to be my friend due to the risk of the bullies targeting them as well, but few of the most notorious bullies went to college, apprenticeship or benefits instead of sixth form. Things were looking good for me with my peers, however I wasn’t getting invited out to social occasions and getting shunned out a bit due to the fact I wasn’t considered in their circle of friends. This have gotten worse as I began to feel reclusive, then lost a couple of friends due to the fact they felt frustrated with me. Recently, the friendship between my and one of my close friends is becoming alien, this is the moment when I became a bit more concern.

However, the main reason for this is because like all sixth formers, they went to keep their friendship with their friends strong, so  their circle of friends seem exclusive to acquaintances. This why I’m considering giving up.

It is so hard Joel.
I don't really know the answer, but be careful not to put too much or your energies into trying to find a friend. Look to ways that can make you feel happier at school in your own space. Do you have any special interests or anything that could help you to feel occupied and busy during your spare time at school? I know how hard it is to feel isolated when everyone else seems to have friends, but you have to work hard to convince yourself that it really doesn't matter.
Look to find ways to improve who you are and how you function.
Hope this helps - a bit.

I admire you for being able to write about your difficulties here.

Joel, I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I went through a similar situation as you when I attended secondary school. I found it hard to make friends, however I have a few friends that I consider to be good friends.

I had a friend (don't know if 'have' should be more appropriate) who was probably a close friend to me because I didn't many. Anyway, she had this 'friend' who I didn't get along with. A few months ago, her 'friend' racially abused me. The ironic thing is that my friend is black! I told my friend many times that her 'friend' is bad. Her 'friend' bunked off lessons and was nothing but an ignorant bully (maybe chav with the tacky bling that she wears). Since I left school, I haven't made contact with the friend. Although I wish her the best of luck in the future.

There's nothing wrong with trying. Don't be forced into friendships though. Why don't you try joining a club which shares your interest, for instance. There you might meet new people and make new friends.

Hope this helps...

I was friends with a couple of people from high school for several years before I finally gave up when I was 22.  They weren't real friends, they used me to do their dirty work, slagged me off behind my back humiliated me in front of others and excluded me from many social events.  I was so lonely and craved friendship that I put up with it for a long time.  When I finally decided to not see these people again I felt quite liberated even though I was without friends.

Sorry, that's no help to you, but I understand your dilemma.

The similar thing kind of happened to me also too. Your statement is like Joel's, in my opinion; your friends began leaving you out (not by accident). And it's a horrible thing.

Thanks for all your help, it seems as you lot seem I should stop caring about my peers due to your experiences. But I should  mention a couple things.

Now Lucie, I want friends just for the sake of having friends, not because I want to conform.

JAO, not all my mates excluding me out of spite. Some of them rather keep their friendships with their close associates, which is the common factor at my school for broken friendships. However, there are some people who shunned me on purpose.

Now I don’t want you tow to taker it as criticisms for your advices, you both have been very helpful. Right now I occupy my time doing my secret projects, such as planning to make my website, and listen to my favourite music (like you asked Lucie, to occupy my spare time at school). Also I will keep that in mind of that joining-a-club idea by JAO.

to be honest, i think i was kinda lucky...my experience with sixth form would have been much the same as joel's if it wasn't for the performing arts group i was in...i had maybe 2 or 3 close friends and was universally shunned by most others.

anyway, i'm in one of my misanthropic moods so i'll go down the line of saying, no joel, you shouldn't bother...the vast majority of teenagers are **** horrific people, who will consistently be clicky and prone to pier pressure...adopting a group bullying ethic, rather than appearing too much of an individual at any point...they're weak, they're morally devoid, and they don't know how **** good they've got it...

so i say you do what i did, keep your head down till you get to uni, at which point you can erase your past, and also may get the chance to meet some nice people who aren't complete **** tools.

once you get to uni most folk grow out of the playground mentality...although some never do: ie big brother contestants.

sorry if that wasn't the answer you were looking for but popularity, and catering to everyone else's whim, just isn't worth the effort, good luck in your studies. <3 xanny x

Do what you feel is right. If you trully want to keep contact with your friends, do so. If you don't, I guess that's fine (up to a certain point), too.

I totally agree with Xanderbeanz.

There is no bigger mistake than mistaking high school for real life.

Most people don't stay close friends with those people they befriend in high school anyway. University's not much better either - most of the time its a drinking partner and someone to team up with when you go out on the pull. I see Joel's point and I can't offer much except to say that from my observation, a lot of friendships are pretty superficial regardless of age. I think lifetime friends are hard to find, regardless of neurotype.

I tend to agree with Ocampo on friendships. Most are very superficial. Coming together for a common purpose. That means going to school, work or whatever.

Then there's your partner. If you are lucky enough to find someone and that is every bit as hard for an NT as us. Most potential partners are just plain selfish, selfabsorbed a/holes. A rare person.

As for uni I'm still getting sized up by potential partners as I am very gregarious around people if they aren't bullying or other crap and are sharing the same interests. They are very disappointed to find me married. And these would be NT's so its not easy for them either.

If you go to uni for the purpose of making friends or finding a life partner that is most unrealistic. Most classes suit your own specialty and therefore potential time together can be very sparse. And most lectures rarely go beyond 2 hours. Basically everyone does their own thing and goes their own way.

I have a good solid dose of 'flu at the moment so I'm at home recovering.

Hey joel,
I have been down that road. When I was at school I would hang around with anyone just to fit into the crowd. It was a special needs boarding school. The people I was hanging around with were mugs and always did naughty things that I joined in with to fit in even though I knew it was wrong. On top of that I didn't have many local friends and was desperate for some. I knew that if I started liking football (everyone loves that) that I could probably make friends and that's what happend. I joined a footy club which was a special needs team but had a huge section where nts played and I made loads of friends. I have played for this club for 7 years and got myself really involved in the club and I also have lots of great friends on holiday who in their own words "love me for who I am and that my AS makes me who I am and if I didn't have AS I may not be the great person I am." I must say that dispite having all these friends that in fairness are abserloutly brilliant and they do look after me. I do doubt them a lot because so many people and even some people now say they will do things for me and then they advoid me. My advice fella is that you pursue an intrest that is strong to you and that you genuely want to get into. Go and join a club or organisation where you can take part in that intrest and meet others with that intrest. When you first meet people, try to see what they are like and see the personalities they have by seeing the way they act, the body langerage and even the tone of their voices. See also if they are inclusive of new people etc. The amount of clubs and organisations I have tried I have lost count. I'm very lucky that I have a great bunch of friends that do seem to look after me but I always doubt them and they know it and the amount of times they have to reassure me they still my friends I have lost count. Also try to realise buddy that if people don't want to be your friend then that's their problem not yours. You do not have to change who you are because proper friends accept you for who you are. May I also say that I don't always understand my friends points of view because this poxy AS seems to reduce me from doing that but I tell them to be 100% honest with me and tell me the reasons not the excuses. They know only to well I have this poxy condtion but they encourage me no matter what. I somtimes don't belive it when they tell me I'm worth something but deep down I know they are right. Me and most of my friends are involved in sport of some kind and I find when I meet others other intrests come in too from proper friends. I always tend to personally tell friends that I meet that I have AS and I try to explain to them what it is so that if they are going to be friends they will accept me for who I am but that depends on the person. I'll tell you my secret to making friends that I use. I'm an abserloute chatterbox who doesn't shut up because I have the enthuasuim and desire to pursue my love for football and sport and others who I meet through those sports share that and that's what bonds a connection with them. I also am very caring and always offer to say help clear up after training (like putting the goals away etc) which people do apprate and even if they don't want your help they are grateful you asked. There are some winkles in the world buddy but try to focus on the real people not the twots who have their own lack of self confidence and so try to take it out on others. Just think, these winkles who look popular who take the mick out of others in a horrible way they are only looking pouplar because people who hang round with them are using them. If they really needed those people they wouldn't be there for them, trust me I know groups of people like that. I know it's hard fella because there are some abserloute twots out there but people are not all bad. Do't try too hard, be relaxed and be yourself. Soz such a long message but hope it helps. If you want any further help feel free to email me at footymadian@googlemail.com. Cheers mate and keep your head up! Regards. Ian