Aspies For Freedom

so I was supposed to dogsit for 2 weeks starting Wednesday, but that's not going to happen now.  It means my diagnosis will be put off again due to lack of funds.  But that's besides the point, it's more distressing than that.

The woman that owned this dog, she's really a sweet person.  The dog was old, and thy found out she had a splenic mass, and she'd gone down hill fast the last few days 9in addition to mobility problems, kidney problems, etc.), and she was euthanized.  I just got a call from her owner telling me this, I call i chose to let the voice mail answer...I knew when I saw who it was it couldn't be good news, and I was driving anyway.  Me on a cell phone while I'm driving = NOT GOOD.

So I just don't know what to do.  I know I'll have to contact her eventually to let her know I got the message.  But...what else?  I want to console her and comfort her so badly, but I don't know how. I'm going to send a sympathy card, but I don't know if that's enough, or if it will get there before they go on their trip. This dog meant the world to these people.  I've worked in a vet clinic for 2 years, and I've seen death, I don't have a problem with it.  It's the dealing with the owners afterwards part, and the clinic hasn't done a thing to teach me about that.  All I do is sign the card and be on my way, I don't deal with the owners in most cases.  

I avoided answering because i don't know how to say what I want to say, and honestly, is she starts to cry on the phone I'm screwed, I'm terrible at that sort of thing.  I want to keep it professional, but at the same time, i consider these people to be friends, not close friends, but friends nonetheless.

I just don't know what to do, what to say, how to act...

You could always say - Maybe call and leave a message on their machine when they are not home- (and the card) This is ____, I recieved your message, I am so sorry -(about dogs name) you were so close, I can't imagine how you are feeling.  My condolences, take care.  Or you can say that in person, or on the phone.  Also the cars is a nice thought - if the first time you see them and you haven;t spoken yet (just a message) then you just say, Hi, how are you? again so sorry for your loss, and they say thanks - at that point you can keep a professional distance ...

I feel sorry for you but really suck at thi kind of thing too.
Sorry. Maybe just to say something genuine and not soppy.
You liked the dog? Tell her and say that you are sorry she is upset and that he was a good dog.
More than that probably is going to be repetitive and not much use.
I hope this is useful.

I hesitate to post advice, because the above is very helpful.

But I want to add something. It's not bad to say or write that you're sorry the dog died and that you're lost for words. People often really appreciate that. It's an honest reaction. You don't have the words to comfort them. They are probably not even ready to appreciate words of comfort. They are at a loss too. You saying you don't know what to say is acknowledging their sadness. There's nothing wrong with that.

If you are doing that via phone they will probably do all the talking, and that can be comforting for them.

I hope you'll be OK

Thanks for the advice don't worry, I'll be fine.  I like the idea of just saying I don't know what to say because, like you said, it -is- honest.  I'll probably just send a card.  She said in the message to call if I wanted to talk or if I had questions, so I'm guessing that means I don't -have- to call back (see what listening to it multiple times can do?).  i don't have questions, I see this sort of thing all the time at work, and one of my own dogs died of complications from spleen cancer 10 years ago.

Exactly; I would be quite comforted, I think, to hear someone honestly say they don't know what to say, because it would mean they really do want me to feel better, that they aren't just spitting out something socially acceptable.

I can understand you a little bit. I don't feel grief rather well, the only time I felt strong greif is when my two pet rats died, Ms.Brisby and Bao Fu.

With humans and other animals it's diffrent. An act of kindness does wonders. If you can afforded it get her some flowers and a card.

I'd invite her out to a neutral resturant (no not McDonalds) of sufficent quality and something you know she can't refuse. (Italian??). Organise for something to happen while there. EG big cake, song?? This works wonders with my wife anyway. Worth a shot.

Usually simply saying that you are so very sorry this happened, and you know that there are no words that will really comfort her.  I would add that if there is anything at all you can do to help please let you know.  

Short sweet and to the point, and offering actual help.

Emm....this is the "consoling an aquaintance whose dog has died" thread.  Are you perhaps looking for the "Oops, forgot our wedding anniversary!" thread?

I think the OP's looking for advice more in the line of really just what to say and how to say it to the lady who's lost her pet.  Not sure that cakes and song were quite what she had in mind somehow...well intentioned though I'm sure your advice is.

Yep An OOPs. But a dinner out may be a good idea though.

I thought when I read that "What on earth are you talking about?" LOL

No, not at all, I don't like eating in front of people other than my family. I'm not -that- close to them

Yeah, me neither. I'm horrible at this kind of thing.  I fake-cried when my cat died because I figured my mom expected me to cry, and everyone else was crying...I just disconnect from it as much as I can.  When my neighbor/ex-employer's husband died, I avoided her for months because I didn't want to face her and stand there like a heartless fool with nothing to say.

I was really bonded to the girls thats probably why I cried when they died. But I was better in a day. I missed them both...but when my grandmothers died and my aunt of cancer.

..I neither cried for them...

The last time I really, truly cried for a pet was when my little white dog Dusty died back when I was in first grade.  I only had him for 2 or 3 days, then he got parvo. And he was, supposedly, "at the vet" for weeks, and even according to my mother "getting better" and I was always promised visits to see him that never panned out.  Then one day when I was alone with my dad I asked to visit Dusty and he told me "Dusty died" and I was heartbroken.  Looking back, I'm sure I was duped the entire time, dogs don't last that long with parvo before dying.  Maybe before they tried to fool their kid they should have realized she's be working in a vet clinic some day.  I resent that more than anything else in my entire childhood, being fooled. The dog was probably euthanized the day he got sick, we didn't have money to treat a dog with parvo, now that I know how expensive it is.  I cried because he was supposedly getting better, than all of a sudden he was dead.

Yep I just gave an example of my main problem. How not to handle a social situation.

However, having dinner with people from work or other situations has been quite useful to myself in coping with unusual situations and obtaining contacts so its not be underestimated. The last purpose, obtaining useful contacts for business purposes is excellent. I was literally forced by my wife (who operates her own business) to go to such events, now I look foward to them. We have been invited in return and to some of the better establishments.