Aspies For Freedom

I have a very good friend who is an aspie whose mother just passed away unexpectedly.  He was very close to her.  I am a NT.

He has closed us all off from him.  He's not answering the phone or his emails.

What can I say on his answering system, or send in an email, or do to help him get through this difficult time when he is not responding to us?

I think a book on the circle of life and a card and send food (pre made). If he is spiritual - a spiritual card and book on the peace (for his mom) of being called away for a new purpose.  
I also think it quite possible that he needs time to process - of course being a mother I think that you may not need to talk with him (hence the book idea) per se , but maybe a hug and make sure he is eating - no one thinks properly without sustinence.  patience and clear comminucation - I see you don't want to talk right now, I'll be back at 6PM tomorrow with food, see you then...

This is hard.  My parents died but it was expected.  They had cancer and it was evident that they were losing physical and mental functioning before they died.

This seems like a very good idea.

Does he have any other family that you can contact so that you know he is ok?

I think I would leave a message or email that went something like this:

Hi ____
Just to let you know that I'm thinking of you, want to be supportive, but don't exactly know how to be supportive.  If there's anything you need help doing, or if you want to talk, I'm here and you know how to find me.

Exactly right.

The food idea is very big help.  My aspie expert/contact in Portland Oregon suggests many Aspies do not know how to care for selves.  Consider also how to help w/ his laundry.  

I did not have these problems.  I am able to do the full range of housework, with prodding.  Not my favorite, but I am trained in the usage of a mop and broom on bare floors, an electric vacuum on rugs, the use of various washing machines (I use coldwater detergent) and drying machines (they're a real gas- pun) , the use of dishwashing machines or I can do it myself with a drip rack, cooking, ironing clothes, cleaning kitchen and bath fixtures, and to some extent, folding clean clothes.

My brother was already living alone at the time.  Gosh, I dunno what he does.  Provides a job to a Latino?  He seems too busy to travel to the family reunion.  The impression he works for a slave driver, that he is earning double what I make, maybe working twice as long as I do.

Ditto the dirty dishes and trash, and housecleaning, and anything else Mommy used to do-- with the possible exception of making the bed.

I would want to be alone if I were grieving. However, material assistance could really help--maybe he needs food, or errands run, or something of that sort. Chances are he is spending a lot of energy with this recent loss and doesn't have much left over.

There is no indication of how long it has been. If it has only been a day or two, I would not worry too much.  Past three days, then intrusive intervention is acceptable. I deal with distress by withdrawing, so I am a bit sympathetic. I have not had a parent die yet, but when my much beloved Grandmother died it was a few days that I really wanted no social contact whatsoever.  If this friend was capable of taking care of himself before, he is still capable of taking care of his basic needs.  After 3 days, however, it is reasonable to go by his place and check on him if no phone calls are being received or returned. Has anyone told him that they will come over and kick his door down if does not respond?  That would probably work.  Better to make a short phone call than have people at the door kicking.

I went through that and, 3 years later, still am somewhat though not as bad.  I could not bring myself to answer the phone though good friends who deserved better treatment were expressing worry. I could not get myself to leave the house to buy groceries or even to collect my mail or deposit my checks.  Everything just seemed too hard. I can't think of any way anyone could have helped, since I woudln't answer the door or phone.  In time, when I was more ready, a few close friends helped by showing me how to do things in tiny steps instead of getting overwhelmed.  Very concrete advice such as "Do not hurt yourself by sorting through your father's things for more than 30 minutes today." One friend listened to me list all the things I felt I had to do then he drew up a plan limiting what I should try to take on each day.  They also pitched in to do physical labor on a large cleanup project I was overwhelmed by.

Food sounds like a good suggestion if you know what sort of food he eats. You could leave it at the door.  

Try not to be offended or discard him as a friend. If you write him, please either fill the note with happy non-threatening things or just say that you are thinking about him and are ready to help with a shopping trip or a few chores.  Concrete specific offers are good.

But please do not fill your letters with emotion about how you miss him, how you dont understand why he ignores you, how you feel hurt, etc.  Try to leave out how YOU feel. The reason is, it feels too overwhelming and accusatory to a person who can't deal with much right now. Like you expect them to also take the burden of your feelings as well as their own.  That is the mistake my sister made. I hated seeing her letters in the box, filled with heavy emotion I couldnt deal with. Her saying she loved and missed me felt accusatory. It was also depressing when she'd tell me about drama and hardships in her life (illness, financial trouble, bad children, etc). It only made me feel guilty and withdraw further from her. That went on for years until I was strong enough to explain to her that I could not handle her strong emotions and that all her interactions felt depressing and hurt. Smaller day to day updates are more helpful about neutral or happy trivia going on in your life so he can feel still connected.  I found email easier to deal with, especially if it was just emailing funny junk from the internet back and forth.

I would like to say thank you to all of you who have replied so far:  atypical, Guess Who, Marcia, energeia, gitchel, Callista, grizeldatee, and silky.  You all are great.  Wish I had some NT friends like all of you.

I really like this guy and I am trying to understand him and not say or do anything that would hurt him in any way.  He doesn't have many friends but he says that he greatly appreciates my friendship.

I have taken your suggestions, emailed him with possible home cooked meals that I would like to make and take over to him, and he did respond just a few minutes ago with his preferred choices.  And, he even let me know what time would be good to drop them off.

Success story ... thanks to all of you.  Have a great weekend!!!

Cool!
I think that most people feel awkward around the issue of how to give condolence.
But a message that says "I care" and "How can I help" creates a space for the grieving person to grieve.  If the person doesn't know how you can help, that's okay--they will still know that you care. You might be able to help a lot later, or you may have helped a lot already, without knowing it.

I'm so glad you got a positive response :-).  I'm sure you'll see other things you can (gently) offer to do while you're there.