06-02-2008, 08:08 PM
This post is moving forward from another which was moving somewhat offtopic. I had posted about the past history in my marriage, and how sometimes being married to someone who has a different neurological makeup than you can "eat away" at you.
I mean absolutely no offense. My story is a good one. I trust and love and value my husband immensly. However, not all marriages end up with such good results.
It can be easy to stop and think about all of the differences. It can be easy to not talk about things. The really hard part, to me, is to talk and communicate honestly.
Often times, when my better half and I have a discussion, and I get a bit flabbergasted, or he does, we tell each other something along the lines of "I am going to say this and the words may not come out right, please ask me to clarify if you do not understand." We have also used the "repeat what I am saying to you in the way that you are hearing it" method.
When I got together with my husband, he told me that communication and honesty were, above all else, critically important to him. That he did not do well with hints or innuendos. Keep in mind that this was 14 years prior to diagnosis, LOL!
We have times where we talk honestly, and there can be harsh words said, but we try to put them in context and make the words "work for us" to solve the problem.
It has been my AS husband who has kept us talking. Often times I shy away from it after a few hours of discussing a topic to death. I have complained, in the past, about him beating a dead horse. Now I look at it and realize that he feels the emotion differently. He is able to pull back and look it through objective eyes, while I am looking at it through emotionally spent ones. I have learned from him to take the time to remove as much emotion as possible so that we can both see more clearly.
I can give an example: Recently we were discussing marriages, and the struggle that can occur within them, especially when one partner is AS and the other NT. We talked about how things can seem peachy when you get together (when the AS person is heavily focused on their partner) and how, when that beginning of the relationship is over, and the day to day starts, it can be a struggle. He explained to me that he felt like it would have been different for him if he were not so financially dependent on me. Which implied to me that in fact, had he not needed my money, he would have possibly made a run for it!
I had some choices here. I could have shut myself up with that anger and hurt and not said a word. I could have been mad for days. Or just let the words hurt me for as long as I remembered them. Instead, I expressed to him how terrible that sounded, and asked him to explain what he meant.
It took some time. In fact, it took days, for him to get the right words together. He eventually told me that he had entrusted his life and well being with me. That he knew that no matter what, I would not abandon him by leaving him unable to financially care for himself (he was a stay at home Dad for a few years.)
His words were actually a testament to his trust and love for me. But they sure did not sound that way.
It took time and patience, on both of our parts, to figure out what the real meaning was, and that my hurt/anger was misplaced.
It is the choice. The choice to make it work, that makes the difference.
I mean absolutely no offense. My story is a good one. I trust and love and value my husband immensly. However, not all marriages end up with such good results.
It can be easy to stop and think about all of the differences. It can be easy to not talk about things. The really hard part, to me, is to talk and communicate honestly.
Often times, when my better half and I have a discussion, and I get a bit flabbergasted, or he does, we tell each other something along the lines of "I am going to say this and the words may not come out right, please ask me to clarify if you do not understand." We have also used the "repeat what I am saying to you in the way that you are hearing it" method.
When I got together with my husband, he told me that communication and honesty were, above all else, critically important to him. That he did not do well with hints or innuendos. Keep in mind that this was 14 years prior to diagnosis, LOL!
We have times where we talk honestly, and there can be harsh words said, but we try to put them in context and make the words "work for us" to solve the problem.
It has been my AS husband who has kept us talking. Often times I shy away from it after a few hours of discussing a topic to death. I have complained, in the past, about him beating a dead horse. Now I look at it and realize that he feels the emotion differently. He is able to pull back and look it through objective eyes, while I am looking at it through emotionally spent ones. I have learned from him to take the time to remove as much emotion as possible so that we can both see more clearly.
I can give an example: Recently we were discussing marriages, and the struggle that can occur within them, especially when one partner is AS and the other NT. We talked about how things can seem peachy when you get together (when the AS person is heavily focused on their partner) and how, when that beginning of the relationship is over, and the day to day starts, it can be a struggle. He explained to me that he felt like it would have been different for him if he were not so financially dependent on me. Which implied to me that in fact, had he not needed my money, he would have possibly made a run for it!
I had some choices here. I could have shut myself up with that anger and hurt and not said a word. I could have been mad for days. Or just let the words hurt me for as long as I remembered them. Instead, I expressed to him how terrible that sounded, and asked him to explain what he meant.
It took some time. In fact, it took days, for him to get the right words together. He eventually told me that he had entrusted his life and well being with me. That he knew that no matter what, I would not abandon him by leaving him unable to financially care for himself (he was a stay at home Dad for a few years.)
His words were actually a testament to his trust and love for me. But they sure did not sound that way.
It took time and patience, on both of our parts, to figure out what the real meaning was, and that my hurt/anger was misplaced.
It is the choice. The choice to make it work, that makes the difference.
