I'm aspie, sort of, self-diagnosed. Autism runs very strongly on my dad's side of the family and I was brought up thinking that our unemotionalness and analytical, objective detachment was normal. My fiance is definitely NT, brought up in a very emotional, 'normal' home. We've been living together for about a year, been going out almost 4 years. We're starting to have problems (or at least, I think we are, I'm not sure if he does) talking to each other. He has a very stressful job, I'm in school and work part-time (at what seems to me to be a stressful job-- the work itself isn't hard, but I hate customers), and he makes the most money and basically supports me right now. I'm not sure if that's a factor. His father also recently passed away in February, so we're having some stress from dealing with that and dealing with his mother (who doesn't like me, never will like me, and is (in our opinion) wallowing in grief).
Lately he's been snapping at me for no reason, not talking to me, stuff like that. I made the mistake of joking with him the other night, and got yelled at and got doors slammed at me because of it. I didn't know he was in a bad mood. He apparently hasn't quite figured out yet that he has to tell me when he's in a bad mood. And I have a very sarcastic, cynical sense of humour. When he does stuff like that, I just shut down, don't talk till I've run through the possible conversations I could have with him about it, and if it's bed time just get into bed and curl in a ball (I used to rock in bed, but that bothers him too much and makes him yell at me). He'll finally apologize, but is there any way to avoid this whole scenario? I'm very afraid of talking to people when they're emotional because I always end up saying the wrong thing and making things worse.
Thanks.
Can't offer much advice, I'm afraid, as my own family are pretty unemotional themselves.
It does occur to me though, that it's only 3 or 4 months since his father died, and this behaviour could be part of his own grieving process. On top of losing his father, he also has to deal with/care for his mother. I don't know how she's behaving that makes you think she's "wallowing" in grief, but I've read that the grieving process normally lasts up to about a year and half.
Does your boyfriend have brothers and sisters that he can talk to about his father's death and how to make his mother more positive about her future?
Things just seem to spiral when I try to talk to an upset person. So, my partner and I have a code word we agreed to use to indicate, in one word, that they are upset or that the topic is upsetting to the point where they won't be able to discuss it calmly. "Yellow" is a warning, "Red" means they have reached an emotional crisis and must stop this conversation or this topic. We almost never have a "red". A yellow topic can be discussed later after both parties have calmed down and had time to analyze things more logically. Perhaps that would help you.
He was laid up with a headache tonight, and so was really mellow. So I pointed out to him that he's more mellow than he's been in a few days, he said he knew he'd been snapping at me and apologized, and I explained to him that he needs to tell me he's in a bad mood, because I can't tell.
Can't offer much advice, I'm afraid, as my own family are pretty unemotional themselves.
It does occur to me though, that it's only 3 or 4 months since his father died, and this behaviour could be part of his own grieving process. On top of losing his father, he also has to deal with/care for his mother. I don't know how she's behaving that makes you think she's "wallowing" in grief, but I've read that the grieving process normally lasts up to about a year and half.
Does your boyfriend have brothers and sisters that he can talk to about his father's death and how to make his mother more positive about her future?
Yeah, I know he's partly stressed out over his father's death, that's why I mentioned it. He's told me in the past that that's part of his stress. He has no brothers and sisters (he's an only, and a miracle baby at that-- his mother was told after being in a bad car accident that she could never have kids, but less than a year after she got married she was pregnant with him); that's part of why she hates me-- I'm taking her only little baby away from her (I don't understand the logic, but that's the reason).
He and I feel she's wallowing in grief because she's doing nothing it seems to try to start learning to cope. We've offered to help find her a grief counselor, but "that's not what Ray (her husband) would want". She's also constantly trying to guilt-trip my fiance into moving back in with her (which implies breaking our lease on this apartment, and him leaving me because I can't live with her (privacy issues, and she's more paranoid than I am (which is saying a lot), and gets my paranoia going)). She has not even really accepted his death yet, and there's some other issues with her but I won't go into gory details right now. I realize her grieving will take some time, but she hasn't even started coming to grips with his death except in a very rudimentary way. My fiance and I just expected a little more progress by this point.
I don't think there's anything you or your fiance can do to make his mum stop grieving at a given time but whatever else, he must stand firm and not move back in with her.
When someone is grieving don't say or suggest anything. Let them talk. If you must, ask, why is that? to everything. Sounds mechanical. It is, but its extrodinarily effective. YOU LISTEN.
Agreed - it can take years to get over the death/loss of a partner, particularly in older people. The best thing to do is let them talk and get it out of their system because then they have a better chance of processing their loss and recovering faster. I don't think it's possible to put an arbitrary date upon when a person "should be over" losing somebody dear to them.
I experienced grief this year. It is the worst thing I have ever experienced. It sounds like you and your fiance are being incredibly unfair on his mother. Who the hell are you to judge when his mother should stop grieving or be "making progress?" Grief is complicated and devastating and different for everyone. Some people grieve for a short while, some block it out and have delayed grieving, some never get over losing someone. People should be given the freedom to deal or not deal with it in their own way and time.
I agree with Pakrat about the other issue. Your fiance must stand firm and not move back in with her. His mother is most likely terrified of losing her only child but she has to realize he is grown now and needs to live his own life.
I experienced grief this year. It is the worst thing I have ever experienced. It sounds like you and your fiance are being incredibly unfair on his mother. Who the hell are you to judge when his mother should stop grieving or be "making progress?"
Ahem.
... who doesn't like me, never will like me, and is (in our opinion) wallowing in grief.
Sounds like she's taking it out on compgrokker. Grief is one thing, but taking it out on other, innocent people, over a long time, months after it happened -- that's something else entirely. I can tell you that if someone I knew were giving me a hard time due to grief, I might put up with it immediately after whatever happened happened, but if I had to put up with crap for months without end, it doesn't matter how much there's grief in the picture, I would be angry. I don't think that's unfair.
People need to be given the opportunity to grieve as much or as little as they need, but at the same time they cannot stop caring about others just because of it.
It's a shame the mum didn't have some friends she could speak to so she didn't have to rely solely on her son and daughter-in-law for emotional support. She might indeed need professional grief counselling but nobody could force her to go, she has to want to go there of her own accord.
I experienced grief this year. It is the worst thing I have ever experienced. It sounds like you and your fiance are being incredibly unfair on his mother. Who the hell are you to judge when his mother should stop grieving or be "making progress?"
Ahem.
... who doesn't like me, never will like me, and is (in our opinion) wallowing in grief.
Sounds like she's taking it out on compgrokker. Grief is one thing, but taking it out on other, innocent people, over a long time, months after it happened -- that's something else entirely. I can tell you that if someone I knew were giving me a hard time due to grief, I might put up with it immediately after whatever happened happened, but if I had to put up with crap for months without end, it doesn't matter how much there's grief in the picture, I would be angry. I don't think that's unfair.
People need to be given the opportunity to grieve as much or as little as they need, but at the same time they cannot stop caring about others just because of it.
Point taken 
I'm sorry if I came across as a bit harsh Compgrokker
My fiance....
Congratulations on your engagement! (Or on your wedding, if it has already occurred.)
Lately he's been snapping at me for no reason, not talking to me, stuff like that.
I've heard (and believe) that getting married, even though it is joyous, is very stressful.
I made the mistake of joking with him the other night, and got yelled at and got doors slammed at me because of it. I didn't know he was in a bad mood. He apparently hasn't quite figured out yet that he has to tell me when he's in a bad mood.
I've learned that when people are upset, their breathing often changes. Less relaxed, more shallow, noisier, more rapid. Sometimes they go, "Huff...(long pause)...huff...(long pause)...." Some people also rub their heads or necks, as if to alleviate tension or headache.
These things don't help me know *why* the person is upset (anger, sadness, physical ailment, etc.), but recognizing a bad mood is half the work, right?
And I have a very sarcastic, cynical sense of humour.
I try to avoid using sarcasm, the same way I would avoid playing with a stick of dynamite. The reward just doesn't seem to be worth the risk.
Doctor Boy I couldn't help myself I had to copy that JPEG of Beaker I've had my share of accidents in a lab.